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Core Wounds 7
Today I want to address the core wounds of feeling creepy and uncomfortable in my own skin.
Awkwardness in the Library
I remember wanting to feel free
To say anything to anyone
To have the power to
Take my destiny in my own hands
And walking up in the library
Feeling so much fear
What if she gives me a weird look
Like the man in new york who beckoned to me
The girl who walked away
No I don’t
She said
We all exist
Here
Perhaps, they are only trying to do the same
To be themselves
To make the world
A safe place for themselves
I can live with them
Leaving
But I’m sad
That it makes me feel alone
Valorant Challenge 1: Spike Rush Cypher
Today I didn’t have the time or the pc to play competitively. I played a couple of spike rush games as cypher.
Impressions:
- Hot damn it’s hard to play cypher. So much to put down in so little time. The cages are HARD to use as well.
- I don’t know if playing different agents will help me play. Maybe I should just refine my mains.
- I think agents like cypher play around their utility (they almost never peek unless they have to). I wonder if I should do that more with all agents (play around flash and grenades, shockdarts and mollys)
- Makes me think flashes are waay worse at getting info. It’s all or nothing. The timing needs to be right and you need to be able to push with your team to gain ground rather than flashing randomly.
- To counter a cypher I need to guess where the camera is and shoot it out. Requires knowledge of common cam spots. Dunno how I will get that knowledge without watching tons of videos. Poopers.
- Cage + wires can be OP since wires reveal and cage block their vision.
- You need to be f*cking fast on the camera or they will shoot it out.
- Crouch and shoot wires head level to get wires you cannot jump or crouch over or under.
I feel like my posture was pretty terrible after the practice. My left shoulder blade was hurting and my stomach was clenched.
I need to work on processing the emotions better and feeling my body more (using the sensual feeling technique I will discuss later). I will also need to work on posture exercises way more. After working my body for about 20 minutes with shaking, stretching, and posture exercises, my should mostly doesn’t hurt anymore and my digestion feels much better.
My Darker Side
Today I wanted to talk about a side of myself that I felt was missing. A part of myself that when I reclaim, I feel powerful and clear. Strong and true.
I’m talking about my darker side. The parts of myself, that until recently, I was afraid to face. The parts I locked away because I thought they were too ugly to look at. The anger, the hatred, the rage, the lust, the desire for control and domination.
I have a very hard edge that I hold back a lot of the time these days. I always try to approach everything from a positive light because I fear that if I let myself react in the way that I want to, bad things will happen. That I will be unlovable, hopeless, and lonely.
There is someone in my life, who I count very special who has been the only one to see clearly enough to embrace my darker side. Who understands how honest and real it is, despite the fact that it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Who will understand instead of judging and admonishing when my darker self makes an appearance.
When I embrace my full self, I wonder how important youtube is. I wonder how important it is to win the approval of others. It makes me want to be less kind, that kindness simply feels overused and boring if I do it too much. That it is a drug and a sweet poison if I turn to it as a way to ignore the darker thoughts.
It makes me want to bring my hard edge into my youtube more often. It makes me want to be harder with the people around me. It makes me want it to pervade through everything I do and attempt.
Breaking Down What Racial Discrimination Really Is
I believe that racial discrimination exists primarily in today’s day and age in two forms:
- Attractiveness. We know attractiveness is partly biological, but it is also in large part cultural. White people are considered more attractive than other races. We also know “pretty privilege” exists and has a profound effect on how trustworthy, successful and smart someone is. We are biologically and socially hardwired to like attractive people.
- Social economics. We know that white people own most of the wealth. We also know wealth is generational and can give you a huge advantage in life.
Let’s just run through a few examples:
- Who has a better chance of being an actor? What about a tik tok star? An attractive person or an unattractive person?
- Who has a better chance of being a banker? Or a real estate agent? Someone who’s parents are investment bankers, or if their parents worked at Mcdonalds?
I believe that affirmative action and other tools to remove bias are not meant to “even the playing field” or create an “equality of outcome” (even distributions) but rather to counteract biases that may be counter to the correct action or truth. For example, hiring a more attractive person even though they are lazier, dumber and have less experience.
I do believe that race can be very complicated and there are many instances that are not being considered here. However, I feel that those cases are more niche and require more thinking as to the best solution, such as:
- Perceptions of blacks as more capable of crime.
- Women not succeeding as much because of childbearing.
Broadly it is clear to me that this has two main implications:
- Mainstream ideas about race discount the disadvantages of “ugly” low-income white people.
- Mainstream race theory overcompensates for perceived roadblocks of “attractive” wealthy minorities (as they are not only privileged but are often touted as the beacons of hope when they are benefitting from the same system that is currently creating bias).
The only two things I would support affirmative action for would be affirmation action for looks (I don’t know how this would be measured exactly) and for social economic status. I believe that affirmation action in these two areas would:
- Disproportionally benefit minorities as they are considered uglier and are often poorer
- It would call attention to bias that we have very often in our own lives, a bias that affects our ability to make clear and rational decisions
- We would see many competent and talented people who were formerly ignored, be brought to the top
Finally, I would say that all races and all people struggle with issues. There is little to no point in trying to make everyone happy. The main point is to somehow come up with a system where our biases have checks and balances that will guide us to making the most rational and clear decisions.
Being someone who has grown up a minority in America, there is a big wound racism creates within you, a feeling that there is something wrong with you. However, those wounds are opportunities to heal and become wiser, they are not something that everyone else needs to carefully tiptoe around (and be politically correct about). Wounds and pain are not bad things. We can show compassion without enabling people to not grow emotionally and not face their own demons.
Sova Fanart 5: Class Unit 2 Day 2
UNIT TWO: Dynamic Figure Drawing | Day 2 – Copy a pose from memory, trace, and correct original
I am going to interpret this as just using real life references.
Again, since we had so much success last night we are going to break things down again.
Suggested time: 90 minutes (30 minutes per unit, 10 minutes per part)
Unit 1: Gather images
- Part 1: Look for reference photo sources
- Part 2: Brainstorm action poses
- Part 3: Brainstorm perspective poses
Unit 2: From memory
- Part 1: Pose 1
- Part 2: Pose 2
- Part 3: Pose 3
Unit 3: From life
- Part 1: Pose 1
- Part 2: Pose 2
- Part 3: Pose 3
Unit 1: Gather images
Part 1: Look for reference photo sources

10 Best Free Pose Reference Sites For Figure Drawing – Improveyourdrawings.com
Part 2&3: Brainstorm action and perspective poses
023 Male Action Pose — Characterdesigns.com
011 Gun Action Pose Male Model — Characterdesigns.com
*Not a pose, but a really cool course I might want to check out
(155) The 6 Types of Joints – Human Anatomy for Artists – YouTube
Now I need to decide on the specific poses I want to try:






Unit 2 & 3: From memory & life
So the poses I most want to choose in order of precedence are:
- Pose 7
- Pose 3
- Pose 1
- Pose 2
- Pose 6
- Pose 8
- Pose 5
I’m going to try the first four (7, 3, 1, 2).
Part 1: Pose 7


Part 2: Pose 3



Part 3: Pose 1



Part 4: Pose 2



Overall Takeaways
Rough Sketch
- Recreate the pose as itself instead of memorizing the image
- Visualize the twist of the torso
- Try to visualize the space they are holding with their arms (like a beach ball) and space with their feet (like a pyramid)
Refined Sketch
- Focus on the different sides of body parts, what side is facing where
- Mark the attachment point of the neck
Singing Relaxed Solved
I’ve always wanted to find a way to sing relaxed no matter what position I’m in, standing, sitting, playing the piano.
I figured it out finally.
It’s actually quite simple.
Relax everything, specifically the jaw, shoulders, and stomach.
Put all the tension right above the stomach (at the diaphragm).
