I’m Afraid To Let Go

Byjack
I’m Afraid To Let Go

One day you will see
How you were so focused
On self-soothing
On finding your comfort alone
You forget that you ignored
A man who loved you
For a game
So trivial
You may lose interest in the next month
For you, it’s a question of winning
Of being right or wrong
But for me
It’s a question of love
I wonder
If I have so little self-respect
To spend so much time
Money
Effort
To cheer you up
Just for you to go back to the game
And put me second
Or perhaps this is what love is
And I should keep believing
That you just need
More time
To see
That you can let yourself
Need me

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Valorant 31: Class in Session – Unit 1 Day 1

Byjack

UNIT 1: VOD Review | Day 1 – TenZ

Exercise: Imitate Tenz and imagine I am him

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsgDk8ojQjg&ab_channel=ValorantDAILY

Lessons learned:

  • I’m exhausted – fell asleep for a long time after watching and imitating for a short period of time
  • Knife to gun transition – keeping knife out until dangerous angles, then switch to gun or do a jump peak while switching if no room
  • Hold for peeks – clear where they might peek, not where they might be, continue to hold it or switch to another angle they can push you from
  • Set graphics to low
  • Don’t push smokes unless with flashes or off of someone else’s contact
  • Spray with good spray control – pulling down
  • Fall after spraying to reload
  • Jiggle if holding close to an angle
  • Warm up at the start of each round by flicking onto teammate heads

In game what I did very successfully:

  • Spamming through smokes – I got many headshots through the smoke
  • Holding peekable angles – I felt I got a lot more intentional to where I was staring
  • Holding off angles when watching for the flank (specifically I utilized the place Tenz hid on Pearl in the first round to get kills
  • Being more intentional of when the knife is out, I rarely got caught out with my knife. I figured out how much time it takes to pull out the gun, and I always timed it so that I pulled out my gun before peeking anything.

What I can improve on:

  • Pulling out the knife more often when I know no one is close
  • Spam more boxes
  • Utilizing jump peeking more
  • Making sure my peeks are still tight and clean and fast
  • Being much more focused on holding specific peeks when slowly scaling up

To the People I Love

Byjack

Today I came up with a realization. I was sitting on the couch just tired of dating, tired of trying.

And I realized that I shouldn’t think of dating as just a chore that I have to do, something that is tied to an end goal. Dating and making yourself vulnerable, trying to go outside of your comfort zone makes helps you confront the deepest parts of yourself. Your insecurities, your fears. Dating will make me a better person. But it’s not just dating.

This is also true for many other things in life. For starting a business, a Youtube channel. Going to the clubs at night. Anything.

I wrote this post with one friend in particular in mind. She is someone really special who I love on multiple levels. And whether or not I ever date her, or if we will just be two people who love each other platonically, I know one thing for sure. I love her because she has accepted me and loved me for everything she knows about me, not just the shiny good parts everyone likes to see. I want to be the kind of person who is able to support her, just like she has supported me. In every way, I can. Emotionally, financially, and strategically.

But it’s not just her. I want to use my love for everyone that I love in my life as motivation. Motivation to pursue what I want despite the fear in my heart that I will fail. To be me, even when I am afraid of being rejected. To be so successful and have learned to embrace my emotions so deeply I can support them in ways they cannot fathom.

XOXOXOXO

To the future!

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Workpost 19: Rejection

Byjack

I am slowly getting back into things. After completely messing up my bedtime, getting it back, getting sick, losing my bedtime again, I am finally getting back into the swing of things.

I want to refocus on the things that I set out to focus on: Health, AI Consulting, Art Coaching.

I want to have an 11-12 PM bedtime, journaling at night, morning walking meditation, and morning todo list and blog post.

Today on my morning walk I contemplated rejection.

You know I always felt that working on yourself made you more prepared for life in general and I always felt my fear of rejection was holding me back from a lot of things in life, initially from getting a girlfriend, but later from being a life coach.

Recently I had the experience of meeting with a client for a free session for which they were super impressed by but when I sent them my rates, they did not respond. This immediately triggered the rejection wounds within me. I also just had an artist interview who was late to our conversation, did not agree to the full hour, and did not want to schedule another time to complete our conversation which triggered rejection wounds within me.

I feel scared that if I ask for things, people will reject me. I’m afraid it will be awkward to talk to them afterwards, I’m afraid how others will view me after getting rejected.

This morning I came up with a couple of nuggets to handle and process rejection:

  1. Take up space: there is a part of me that wants to hide when people reject me. I want to take up as little space as possible. This concept is doing the opposite. I deserve to be here like everyone else. Take up space! Make the ask!
  2. Enthusiastic yes: I don’t want people to feel pressured. I am going to follow the philosophy on the Prosperous Coach. It’s either an enthusiastic yes, or its a no. Maybe is a no. And tell them that. If they are not sure, they know where to find you.
  3. Slow down: I realized this new revelation in Valorant has implications in life too. When I feel stressed about rejection and awkwardness, shame, and judgement, slow down. I usually try to speed up, to move past it. Slow way down, focus on what is going on before charging ahead.
  4. Stay busy, focus on the process not the outcome: one thing that I noticed, when I’m busy doing what matters, I won’t care as much about anything else. I want to focus on health, coaching and consulting. Don’t let anyone’s rejection take away from that. It’s like what they say about cold calling. Focus on the process, not the outcomes (focus on improving your process for cold calling, not for the outcome of every call).

Core Beliefs 1

Byjack

Today I got into an argument with someone who is very close to my heart. Thinking about the argument later makes me think about what is painful about the relationship in general and the core wounds that it brings up.

Core wounds are damaging beliefs that we have about ourselves that we repeatedly look for evidence for (and traumatize ourselves constantly with). 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy teaches us that core wounds can be reprogrammed by finding evidence to the contrary. Thais Gibson recommends doing this for at least 21 days for the new beliefs to set in.

This is day one for me.

Core Wound 1: I’m not good enough (attractive physically and personality-wise)

Evidence to the contrary (I am good enough):

  • A girl in college who was very beautiful who I liked blushed every time I talked to her and liked me back. She was mean to other guys who showed interest.
  • When I was being myself and feeling confident recently, lots of women from girls on the plane, on the trail, at rental properties all seemed really eager to talk to me and help me. I’ve been told I have really good energy.
  • A girl that I love told me she likes the way I look, likes my thin frame and my hands.
  • A girl in high school once had a crush on me after flirting with her once. I might have made an impression on her.
  • A girl who I met playing a mobile game with, added me on her Snapchat and would talk to me for hours, there must have been a reason.

This is a really strong core wound for me. I often compare myself to others and feel like I’m less attractive. I feel that no one really likes me.

Core Wound 2: My emotions are not good and push people away

Evidence to the contrary (My emotions are good and bring people closer):

  • A lot of my art tends to come from my emotions and feelings and lots of people like them
  • Because of my emotions, I tend to be more honest, open and empathetic in support groups
  • I tend to connect with a lot of women by emotions. It’s why I like to have girls as friends and a lot of girls like me.
  • Emotions make me experience things more deeply, like when I cry watching Moana.
  • My emotions help me read other people much better because I can feel what they are feeling.

I always feel, especially with some people, that my emotions are too much and push people away. I worry people like hard and cold unemotional guys since they are stronger and don’t need anything. I also sometimes want to be strong and dominant and I don’t know how to reconcile that with emotions.

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Cardioid Dreams

Byjack
Cardioid Dreams

The is one thing

That keeps me from showing everything to her

The true me

All the parts I hide from other people

Is the part of me

I’ve tried to reject

To hide inside

To ignore

She says it makes her want to throw up

That some things are better hidden

And I worry

If she knows

How I dream of her warm skin touching mine

Of raw passion like a hunger

That can’t be satisfied

Until there is nothing

Between us

Not even air

I can’t tell

Where her body ends and mine begins

Our hearts like

Two djembe drums

Under a desert sand

Beating in our veins

Our breath

Like the sound of trees

Swaying in the wind

I don’t want to hide

But if she knows

Will she would see me anew

A monster

And would her love flicker and go out

Extinguished by disgust

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Valorant 38: Day 1 – Apas – 6/3/23

Byjack
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHsBpSit-kc&t=382s&ab_channel=valorantpromatches

I didn’t really know how to copy the apas style, but I noticed that he wide peeked a lot.

I also used the ideas earlier about hyping myself up and it seemed to work.

We didn’t win this game but I was incredibly aggressive and confident in my peeks. I entried with the classic and was not afraid to push very aggressively, buying my team space.

In this game I started feeling frustrated with my team and that I was starting to overheat and not aim as properly.

After running a deathmatch and focusing on taking a second to aim, and to fully face the enemy, looking for the kill, I had this game.

I felt this was by far the most successful, with aggressive peeking but also utilizing util and gamesense to the fullest.

My sense is that hyping myself up is probably the biggest strategy for me, with some additional adjustments afterwards for aim technique.