I’m Afraid To Let Go

Byjack
I’m Afraid To Let Go

One day you will see
How you were so focused
On self-soothing
On finding your comfort alone
You forget that you ignored
A man who loved you
For a game
So trivial
You may lose interest in the next month
For you, it’s a question of winning
Of being right or wrong
But for me
It’s a question of love
I wonder
If I have so little self-respect
To spend so much time
Money
Effort
To cheer you up
Just for you to go back to the game
And put me second
Or perhaps this is what love is
And I should keep believing
That you just need
More time
To see
That you can let yourself
Need me

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Workpost 3: Pleasant Uncertainty

Byjack

Today I feel a bit like there is a lot of uncertainty. There is uncertainty with my coaching business and with my career as an AI consultant, but there are also lots of opportunities moving forward.

I want to strive to move forwards and not start to distract myself from the emotions via games and videos.

The first thing I want to tackle is sleep. That is my main priority today. I want to understand why I feel unfulfilled at night, like something wasn’t quite done.

My intuition tells me that I desire to create art. I don’t know why.

Perhaps my first step is to start working on art at 9:30 PM.

Before that I want to achieve something in Valorant, so I will need to do some gaming earlier in the day.

I also desire to work on myself more, I think it really helps to think about emotional development as work. When I think about it as vulnerability, it feels not productive. But when I think of it as emotional work, it takes on new meaning and purpose.

Ok so lets take a look at my two projects right now:

So for my AI Consulting plan, I want to stick to the plan, but the timeline has changed a bit.

I wanted this current goal (Be known, give preview of consulting) to finish by Feb 27th. That leaves 7 days to film, shoot, edit and get feedback.

UNIT ONE (ends 23rd): Shoot 3 videos

  • Spend total of 3 hours per video (9 hours total)

UNIT TWO (ends 24th): Write 2 LinkedIn posts

  • Spend total of 1.5 hrs per post (3 hrs total)

UNIT THREE (ends 26th): Get feedback, harden process

Looking at my goal for art coaching, I feel dissatisfied with my current structure on process for that. I feel I need to work on finding more ambitious and exciting goals at every step of the way (even if I have a lot of time to get there). I realized in order for the syllabus method to work, you need to have very ambitious exciting goal…then think about how to make it difficult to expect anything other than success.

So let’s revisit the master plan here.

Goal: Ramp up to an income of 8333 per month (100k per year) within one year

I want to choose a new goal…make 1500 per week in coaching.

I want to achieve this within the next 3 months.

UNIT ONE (1 month): Focus on my craft – become a coach I would hire for 1000 per month

  1. Create plans (10 days, ends March 2nd)
    1. Deeply understanding clients
    2. Creating extreme focus and presence in life and sessions
    3. Developing connections clients need
    4. Materials and exercises to create and track strategy
  2. Execute on plans (10 days, ends March 12th)
  3. Research and refinement (10 days, ends March 22nd)
    1. Interview other coaches
    2. Read books
    3. Further brainstorming

UNIT TWO (1 month): Build 100 hot leads – depends on having free stuff

  1. Random try posting (10 days, ends April 1st)
  2. Get feedback and do networking and outreach (10 days, ends April 11th)
  3. Turn warm leads into hot leads with offer (10 days, ends April 21st)

UNIT THREE (1 month): Meld and combine top level coaching with leads machine

  1. Talk about my clients achievements, use it to push their art (10 days, ends May 1st)
  2. Clients have voice on my platform to talk about concepts in my coaching (10 days, ends May 11th)
  3. Refine call for action to get warm leads to ask for my offer, then turn into hot leads (10 days, ends May 21st)

Okok, I finally have a good framework, but working on this framework makes me realize I really do need to work on free products in the meantime.

Goal: Create free products in 1 month

UNIT ONE (10 days, ends March 2nd): Complete research

  1. Transcribe and think, what is the million dollar problem or breakthrough?
  2. Collate results, come up with solutions
  3. Research competition

UNIT TWO (10 days, ends March 12th): Develop products

  1. Planning and gathering materials doing research
  2. Create products

UNIT THREE (10 days, ends March 22nd): Continue development

  1. Testing and creating more products

Sova Fanart 3: Class Unit 1 Day 3

Byjack

It’s been a full week since I last drew for this drawing competition. I’ve been feeling a lot of dread because there are so many details in drawing Sova and I don’t feel any closer to getting better at him because it takes so long to draw a full figure.

I drew for a full hour but didn’t get very far.

Here was the reference:

Here is my rough sketch:

And here is my lineart:

The lines don’t feel that confident and don’t seem to be creating forms, more just tracing lines.

I feel that I need to slow down. I like the idea of the exercises but I feel that they need to be broken down further into smaller syllabi. Since I don’t have much time to draw every day and each task every day feels a bit daunting and overwhelming, I need to break them down further to learn at a fast rate.

I also wish I could draw from the live model, but the issue is that you can’t hold an active shot (like shooting or doing the ultimate).

At the same time, I said I would embrace failure and I did. I still believe in my overall plan and I believe when I look back, this will actually be helpful even though its painful right now.

Workpost 40: Refinement of the Game

Byjack

Today I made some definite progress. Even though I have the exact same feeling of lack of motivation, no interest in working. Wanting to just play games, I felt significantly better, having done spleen chi exercises both before bed and after waking up in the morning. As a result I started working 3 hours earlier than yesterday.

Today, I want to improve upon and refine on the game that I created for myself yesterday.

Firstly, in my walking meditation this morning, some wisdom came to me.

Relaxed > Easy > Fast

This was the wisdom first introduced to me in the book, Born to Run where the author talks about how you run completely relaxed first. Then you make your running more smooth, more efficient. If you are able to make it efficient and relaxed, you WILL be fast.

This is the same thing in Valorant. In your warmups you aren’t instantly trying to one tap everyone. You aren’t trying to do it fast. If you do, you probably are going too fast and the warmup won’t work.

You want to start slow (or even in the Miyagi technique, don’t even follow through with a shot, just track the target). As it becomes easy for you to hit headtaps, then you start to gradually speed up.

I want to implement this in my warmups. First, start off doing intense workout with the aim of expansion. Then focus on some brainteasers (Miyagi, completely relaxed). After a few minutes of that, work on to do list, trying to make my relaxed thinking more efficient and clean. Finally, at the tail end of the warmup, try to go fast. My thoughts are:

  • 5 min physical warmup
  • 2 min brainteasers
  • 5 min todolist
  • 3 min buffer

Then for the actual match, I would like to break it up more often with some deep breathing every 5 minutes, like I do with Valorant between rounds.

The Way Star Signs Might Work (A Theory)

Byjack

One of my good friends is obsessed with star signs and by proxy, I’ve gotten pretty into them as well. However, I’ve had my doubts. While it seems possible they actually tell you about what kind of person someone is (although I find it to be far less precise than systems like Myers Briggs and the Enneagram) one thing has always bothered me. Star signs make no logical sense.

How can the position of the sun and the moon determine your personality? Do all people who are born at the same time and place have the same personality? Where did they even come up with the correlations? Isn’t this based on mythology?

The first thing you should know about star signs is that everyone has multiple signs. The sign that most people focus on is the “sun” sign (basically the positioning of the sun when you are born) as it is supposed to be the dominant sign. However, there are signs for the positions of all the planets and the moon.

The three most “important” signs according to astrologers at the Sun, Moon, and Ascendant signs (in that order), and actually gave me this idea of why star signs are not completely bogus.

The Sun, for example, is dependant on the month of the year you are born, the moon the time of the month, and the Ascendant the time of day and location of your birth.

What first got me thinking was that it occurred to me that the personality attributed to each sun sign seemed to match the general climate and weather of the months the signs were connected to. For example, Capricorns are people born between December 22nd and January 20th the coldest times of the year for many places. Capricorns are incidentally known for being cold, calculating, and driven by a need to succeed. Taurus, known to be easygoing and mild are born April 20 – May 20 the most warm and mild times of the year. Leos are known for their fiery passion and confidence are born between July 23 – August 22, the hottest times of the year. 

I asked before how everyone born at the same time in the same place had the same personality – perhaps they DO in some small part. Perhaps the climate and the time of day and month, the location on the planet have a profound effect on who we become and what we like because it determines the environment we are born in.

It is not inconceivable to me, for example, that babies born in winter may grow up to be harder colder, and more driven people (as a large generalization). And it’s not inconceivable that people born with the same Ascendant sign (with the same time and place of birth) might share a thing or two in common.

Even more beautiful is the thought that just as the position of the sun affects us with our seasons, perhaps the position of ALL the stars and planets affect us in some way – even if the effects are unseen and mysterious. Perhaps we are more a people of the stars than we know. I know I’d love to believe that.

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Ugly Water

Byjack

Ugly Water

My little sloth talks about her ugly water

In a roaring ocean

Of fear and hatred

Roaring outside

Inside her little room

She stands by the room

Holding it closed

Always holding

As she feels the pressure of it

About to overwhelm everything

Leaking

Like the seeping of dread

She looks and

It was a mistake

Because she forgot to hold the door closed

The Uncool Kid

Byjack