I’m Afraid To Let Go

Byjack
I’m Afraid To Let Go

One day you will see
How you were so focused
On self-soothing
On finding your comfort alone
You forget that you ignored
A man who loved you
For a game
So trivial
You may lose interest in the next month
For you, it’s a question of winning
Of being right or wrong
But for me
It’s a question of love
I wonder
If I have so little self-respect
To spend so much time
Money
Effort
To cheer you up
Just for you to go back to the game
And put me second
Or perhaps this is what love is
And I should keep believing
That you just need
More time
To see
That you can let yourself
Need me

Similar Posts

Practicing Courage

Byjack

Today I felt overwhelmed. Work felt like a huge heavy complicated mess.

Making a smoothie felt like it would be hard and painful (to walk around).

I played games to avoid the feelings…for hours.

I was so desperate for a solution I spend time with AI to work through the emotions.

First, the therapy led me to the wisdom that I needed to spend some time to feel the fears I was feeling:

  1. The fear of death – the great unknown of my injuries and with work
  2. The fear of inadequacy – letting my carefully maintained image of myself as successful and smart and talented crumble before me
  3. The fear of abandonment – feeling that if I let others know how bad of a place I am in, that they would know how defective I am

The fear of abandonment and being defective was so strong I felt I needed to remember a time when I felt safe and whole. And that led me back to New York, many years ago, approaching women on the street with a dating coach.

I felt free. It wasn’t until I thought about it more that I realized why. daygaming gave me a glimpse of ultimate self love. A time when you bare your soul on the street and allow people to reject you is the most freeing emotions of all time.

I will say though that daygaming also traumatized me. Majorly. After mulling it over some more I concluded the main difference was that when I was alone, I was scared. And instead of seeking support, I beat myself up and criticized myself.

I’ve been seeking the daygaming formula for freedom for so long I feel excited I figured out a part of it:

  1. Courage is the currency of self love. Ask yourself what the courageous thing to do is and make a decision to do it. If possible involve someone in on this decision (can be yourself).
  2. Let the energy carry the action. Instead of being spurred forward by pressure, feel the moment, let the tension of the moment stand your hair on your arm. Let the noisy energy of fear and anxiety make you feel alive, spur your action.
  3. If the fear becomes too great, seek comfort, reassurance from someone else, someone you trust (this can be yourself)

Follow what you feel.

Core Beliefs 5

Byjack

I don’t know exactly if this is a core wound, but I strongly believe that I am responsible for people’s emotions and that I am a bad person.

In order to process this (a rebalance my emotions), I am going to focus on a time when I hurt someone and focus on the part right before it so I can remember that there is a good reason for doing what I did and perhaps have a little more compassion for myself.

The Phone Call

She was a lonely girl

Quiet and shy

I wanted to be kind

By being a good friend

But she seemed to want more

When she asked me

If she could sleep in my bed

What to do

If she was sexually frustrated

I did my best to set my boundaries

I did my best to be firm

But she kept pushing

And it was too much

I knew too little

To do anything than

To push her away hard

After years

Of sending me letters and emails

She must have know

I didn’t want to talk

I just wish

She knew

It wasn’t her fault

That I didn’t like her

But I needed

To be able to say no

Failure & David Goggins

Byjack

I’ve been thinking so long about the fear of failure and embracing pain since the fear of failure holds me back in almost every area of life.

David Goggins is famous for being someone who has made his thing embracing pain.

It’s interesting because I always wrote people like Goggins off, and I still feel like he is missing the subtle touch, the emotional and artistic, but I actually think he is onto something,

Some of the main takeaways:

  • Embracing showing how messed up you are don’t care what anyone thinks
  • Everyone is messed up, if they are judging you, they are just better at hiding it than you
  • Use every naysayer as motivation
  • When you embrace your faults, you will find the who you really are and pursue that
  • Self discipline is creating self respect

This self discipline thing has always been interesting to me because I’ve heard this before. But I don’t really understand it. Isn’t discipline yelling at yourself?

The embracing failures and not hiding your failures to see what you really want to be is really telling to me as well. I always wonder what I should do, but I can wonder what I could do. And being willing to show everything wrong with me just will get me closer to clarity on who I am.

Profit in Peace 9: Day Five

Byjack

I’m sooo tired. This is completely the wrong energy in the morning for me.

It is disrupting my peace.

My thoughts:

  • I’m about done with this challenge
  • I feel absolutely horrible tired and I don’t want to continue
  • This is the opposite of peace for me
  • A line of credit is better than a loan for businesses
  • I don’t know why JT is with this 7 figure profit guy, seems kinda scammy
  • It is important to know the right question to ask
  • The question sometimes isn’t how, it is who
  • Your potential is relative and contextual
  • It is about the place and the people

Workpost 17: Sick

Byjack

I’ve been sick in the past two days. Not a terrible sickness thankfully. I credit that to the copious quantities of water I consumed as well as the zinc I took and the lymph node massage to clear my stuff nose. I can’t smell anything, I feel tired, and my mind feels fuzzy but other than that I’m actually doing ok.

Earlier my throat was hurting and I woke up many times in the night, but overall I slept pretty good. I’ve been self-medicating a lot by playing games, and I want to stop. I did go for a walk this morning and workout, and I feel that helps.