I’m Afraid To Let Go

Byjack
I’m Afraid To Let Go

One day you will see
How you were so focused
On self-soothing
On finding your comfort alone
You forget that you ignored
A man who loved you
For a game
So trivial
You may lose interest in the next month
For you, it’s a question of winning
Of being right or wrong
But for me
It’s a question of love
I wonder
If I have so little self-respect
To spend so much time
Money
Effort
To cheer you up
Just for you to go back to the game
And put me second
Or perhaps this is what love is
And I should keep believing
That you just need
More time
To see
That you can let yourself
Need me

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Workpost 8: Crawling

Byjack

I did not wake up feeling good. I went to bed at 11:40 (much earlier to my credit! I ended up not working on one of my projects and didn’t play Valorant). However, I couldn’t fall asleep because I just showered and my body was too hot.

This morning, I went for a walk and I crawled for about 30 minutes. Crawling feels EXTREMELY good. I found a way to do it very naturally. I think it is funny how great hardship yet again provides so much value. I know how to crawl because I had to learn how to walk properly after messing up my knee so much that it hurt to walk. In learning how to walk I have a clear idea of how to shift my weight and do the same thing when I crawl. I’m going to try to crawl more throughout the day.

Other than crawling, I did feel extremely happy last night driving around but again in the morning I feel kind of lonely and depressed and I wonder again what I can do to soothe that.

Perhaps, I will play some Valorant today, do some art and music, and more crawling because those things all make me happy. I also reached out to a lot of friends yesterday and a lot of people wanted to talk today so maybe I will talk to them too. I am excited to go on the trip to California with my brother and sister!

As for the different projects, here are my thoughts:

  1. AI Consulting: I’m happy with the new direction, but nervous about shooting the videos
  2. Art Coaching: Really excited about my new ideas, interested in creating the materials that I’ve been planning for
  3. Art Coaching Product Research: Feeling pretty anxious about this since this is what I dropped yesterday due to time constraints
  4. Demo work: feel bored by it
  5. I also want to revist my knee challenge for my spar with my friend coming up and my knee challenge for the same reason

A Taoist Approach to Productivity

Byjack

I’ve been meditating on productivity and I was curious as to a more taoist approach. I’ve come up with a couple of ideas:

  • Make things more empty
    • Pursue each task with the goal of emptiness
      • Focus on one thing at a time and do work to make everything feel empty
    • Look to make your to do list more empty
      • Delete things off the to do list
      • Schedule time sensitive things
      • Clear off small tasks immediately
      • Moving it to tomorrow
  • Reduce the size of mountains
    • Create simple steps to kick off each task
  • Seek balance
    • Seek out more risk when things are stale
    • Seek out more structure when things are too risky
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Workpost 30: Refocus

Byjack

My mind feels wild

Like a disordered pair of weeds

Blowing in the wind

They seek home

Somewhere to rest their aching knots

And yet

I cannot find any purchase

The loose threads of my mind struggle

To connect into anything cohesive

Today I was feeling confused about a question:

Why do I no longer feel any motivation to do coaching? Is it because I’m scared to propose a $20,000 product? Am I scared to start a community?

And so I went for a walk. On my walk, I determined that it was because I desire to focus more than anything. Currently, I am focusing on posting for 50 days on LinkedIn and it’s taking a lot of energy. I need to be able to have fewer things on my plate.

However, when I sat down to write this journal. I realized that I’ve lost my way in these posts. I no longer do the hard work to grow and articulate how I am feeling. When I did, my poem revealed to me that I feel extremely lost and scattered in my mind. I’ve forgotten the helpful intentions I use to set myself into the mode of preparing my day:

  1. You are in my house
  2. Take your time, be patient
  3. Be ok with silence
  4. Take risks
  5. My house is a place where anything is possible
  6. Connection theory + flow theory

When I immerse myself in these intentions, I feel the distinct taste of possibility coming back to me and my world is opened wide enough to do the planning that I want to do in these posts.

Today I want to continue the work of yesterday and I want to focus on three things:

  1. AI project
  2. Linkedin post process
  3. To do list

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Profit in Peace 22: Feeling Like Shit

Byjack

I feel like total shit. I didn’t sleep well and the back of my eyes hurt and I’m tired and bleary and a little cold. It is taking everything to not play games all day. I feel what gives me anxiety in this house isn’t just the expectations from my parents…but also the amount of stuff. There is too much stuff to feel comfortable around here. To feel calm.

I have been thinking about this idea a lot. The idea of “Whatever you feel the world is withholding from you is what you withhold from the world.”

I feel that this can help with a lot of the turmoil in my mind.

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Workspace 21: Be the Underdog

Byjack

I’ve been thinking more about rejection and working through some of my thoughts with it.

I want people to validate me to feel confident being myself. But validation and confidence are completely different.

Confidence is all about being ok with not getting other’s approval and validation, being ok with not being the strongest, the smartest, the most attractive. I want to find a way to let go of seeking approval from everyone. That is seriously holding me back.

The first thing I realized is that I need to be clear about what I value outside of approval.

I love solving difficult problems. I love learning, growing, and improving myself. I love creating. I love meeting new people and connecting with those people on a deep level. I love consuming art and music, writing and dance.

Being rejected doesn’t stop me from pursuing those things. In fact, people who reject me might realize my path is one they admire and want to follow.

The second thing I realized is that I can use rejection as motivation. It’s just a challenge to my ego. It makes me stronger.

I don’t want anything handed to me. The hero has the slay the dragon. I want to be the underdog, and I strive for greatness.

Mr. Beast’s Tips For Youtube

Byjack
  • Get a good friend group
  • Have a controversial opinion – make them think “what the fuck did he put in the video”
    • Match expectations immediately
    • Then exceed them
  • Change the word algorithm to audience
    • If the algorithm didn’t like your video, your audience didn’t
  • Mr. Beast just wants to make the best video ever, period no matter how much time or money
  • If a viewer liked the last video, they will like the new one
  • It is a lot easier to make one video go viral then get lots of views on lots of videos
  • Have a payoff at the end so more people watch