On Being Alone

I am completely confused and upset by how this girl that I play Valorant went from having so much fun to always getting annoyed and mad.

Facts that I know:

1. Used to beg me to play constantly, only stopped because I was too busy with work so I said no all the time
2. Used to laugh and think I was very funny in games
3. At first, was resistant to smurfing, but after she was convinced, had a ton of fun trolling on smurfs including doing frenzy only challenge
4. Used to be afraid to talk in voice chat, only talked to me
5. Spent all her time talking to me on Valorant and ignored her relationship because of how much she liked playing with me

She used to be my favorite person to play with for several months:

1. Was always fun and chill
2. Could make jokes or talk about deep stuff
3. Made me feel special because she only wanted to play with me
4. Would actually listen to strats unlike some girls who would get defensive when given any feedback
5. Was very smart and improved a great deal in the time we played

However, somehow, after months of having lots and lots of fun, everything has taken a dramatic turn:

1. Gets annoyed when she isn’t doing well and takes the game very seriously
2. Gets annoyed when I’m taking the game too seriously but also gets mad when I goof off
3. Wants everyone to be mean and toxic yet gets upset when people are toxic back
4. Is mad when I’m goofing off and think I’m somehow trying very hard to be funny
5. Claims that unrated it doesn’t matter if she wins or loses but gets mad when she loses
6. Claims smurfs don’t matter but somehow gets mad when she loses on a smurf
7. Somehow is able to have fun with other people and refuses to play with me now
8. Cannot seem to remember any of our happy times and insists that she never had fun

Some factors that I think may contribute:

1. May have been taught by someone that being slow and boring is a very bad thing, seems to be overly concerned with it and projects onto other people
2. May feel a really strong pressure to do well, seemed to take the game extremely seriously after her friend started playing on it
3. May also feel a great deal of pressure to play well and be less toxic around me because she wants it to work out, the pressure may cause her to do worse, and be even more toxic
4. May feel a sense of superiority or arrogance? When we first started playing, she kept telling me she was afraid I would stop playing with her because she was lower elo than me. I never did, but always wondered if she would stop playing with me if she got better than me.

Altogether I can’t really make sense of this phenomenon and it does bother me a great deal. I suppose on some level I must accept that something about Valorant and playing with me triggers her in some deep way and that I shouldn’t let that stop me from having fun. It does make me sad that things have changed so dramatically and I lost my favorite Valorant buddy.

Valorant has become significantly less fun for me now. It almost feels like work, instead of a game that I loved. There was a period of time when I was playing with her that I truly let go of the need to win and actually just had fun. I don’t know what I need to do to get that feeling back. I hope she finds a way to have fun as well, but it breaks my heart that it isn’t with me.