|

Silence Speaks In Terrible Ways

Byjack
Silence Speaks In Terrible Ways

She told me she thought I wouldn’t notice

When she only replied to a handful of things

Of a series of long letters I wrote

How could I not notice

When I spend an hour

Pouring my heart out

Waiting every second of the day

For a response

She tells me she likes it when I write long letters

But I have grown wary of them

When I know

Most of it

Will never receive a response

She probably thinks that no response is better than a bad response

But silence is a response

It’s a blank check

For the deepest fears

And paranoia

Lurking in your brain

Letting your mind fill in the spaces

With explanations

For why the reason why the truth was too hard to say

Similar Posts

| | |

Knee Challenge: Looking Ahead

Byjack

I completed my knee challenge in terms of going hiking in Zion national park. I felt like I succeeded in a big way but still have a long way to go in terms of getting where I need to go.

What is next for me? I know in the long term, I want to be very physically active. I want to be able to practice martial arts, do a little parkour and gymnastics. I know it will take a lot of effort and time to get there and it feels quite overwhelming for me.

I’m going to set a few large goals and then look at some of the very short term goals getting there.

2 year goal – the ability to practice martial arts, parkour gymnastics and skiing. My goal isn’t to go too hard in any of these areas, just to be able to do them safely.

1 year goal – to get back to preinjury levels

1 month goal – be able to sleep, walk, stand and light exercise with zero discomfort. I will call this goal little freedom.

I don’t really know what the next step in my process is. It feels too soon to set a schedule yet.

I just want to slowly rest and explore for now.

My feelings are that challenge videos make for really good productivity but I need to slow down sometimes and feel the feelings.

Maybe I will write a poem:

Creaky Knees

When I bend my knee

It feels like I’m grinding

Hinges made of old stone

Like the kind in movies

That open secret magical passages

And grate against themselves

I say that I want to be able to do martial arts again

But the truth is

I don’t know what I want

I am afraid to dream again

Of a world where I can be active

I’m so used to being scared

Of clutching my knee close

So as not to hurt it

I feel like I’m too old to have these dreams anymore

Of flying

Like I did when I wanted to learn parkour

Everything scares me

I feel that

I need to understand this part of myself first

Listen to what it wants to say

“Everything is a danger”

It tells me

The protector of my knee

Of my body

It feels safe to not move at all

| | |

Workspace 22: Relax

Byjack

I had a slower start to the day. I started the day on my phone, waking up a bit early because my new retainer is bothering me when I sleep.

I watched some Valorant, talked to my girlfriend, and now I have a flight in about 3 hours. I want to leave in about 2 hours. I still have to take out the trash, eat up some more food and load the dishwasher.

I did a bit of a workout and I found out a couple of things that help with regaining energy, and gathering chi:

  1. Butt-clenched breathing: sounds a bit weird but it works. Lie down, clench the sphincter muscle (what you use to hold in poop) breath in. Then relax and breathe out. Repeat.
  2. Tummy circles: put the left hand over your stomach, then your right hand over that. Make circles over your stomach in the clockwise direction. Do it lightly. Then put your hands in the same area in your back and repeat.
  3. Extremity exercises: this can be any exercise that works your extremities. For example, doing a dead hang and focusing on clenching really hard with your hands but leaving everything else relaxed, or doing heel raises with the tips of your toes super engaged with everything else relaxed.
  4. Meditation: lie down close your eyes and walk down a staircase while counting to 10. Imagine the smell of wet stone, always puts me in a meditative state really quick for some reason.

Anyway goals for today. Just relax! I want to get all the chores sorted out and just spend the rest of my time relaxing.

|

I Wish I Could Hold Her

Byjack
I Wish I Could Hold Her

You can’t willingly choose to be with someone

For 308 days

And not love them

I feel unsure as to whether I want

To be with her

But I love her so much

I don’t think she knows

Because last time we spoke

I was all harsh and tired and angry

I cry every time I think about what she said

That she looked up airbnbs for me

That she was excited for me to visit her

I love the way she swings her feet when she is excited

I love the little snuffles she makes when she sleeps

I was afraid she had no empathy

But she always did for me

How sad she felt when I am sad

I wish I could hold her

Protect her from the world

It’s complicated because

I feel like maybe 

I can’t be in a relationship now

That I need to be able to explore freely

See what else is out there

Why do I have to hurt my little sloth

For me to get what I want?

I’m happy when she is happy

And I hurt when she hurts

I want to be her friend forever

To comfort her when she cries

To make her laugh and smile

To be there for her when no one else is

Thoughts From the Conference

Byjack

It’s been a few days since I last wrote in this blog. I sometimes, I feel like I’m pushing a heavy bounder up the hill when I write. But I decided today I’m going to work through that and deliver something special. I remembered something that inspired me today. Writing isn’t about putting words together, it’s about clear thinking. And I love clear thinking.

Today, I was at the CLIO conference. CLIO is a software that law offices use.

During their keynote, author James Clear gave a speech about his bestselling book, Atomic Habits.

Clear on how to remove bad habits.
Clear on how to form new habits.

He said a lot of things I already knew like that fact that forming habits are about creating small triggers for bigger actions (like putting on your shoes is the habit for running) and that powerful habits that are about who you want to become instead of achieving goals.

However, there is one new thing that stuck me.

He said that your physical space determines how successful your habits are. Look at the spaces that you are in for most of the day and that will tell you a lot about what habits are.

I want to institute these new habits:

  1. Meditate more
  2. Journal every night
  3. Involve more people into my work
  4. Create more videos

And here is how I plan to implement them:

  1. Meditate
    • Atomic habit: Put on my mask, lay down on my couch, and turn on shamanic drumming
    • Changing my physical space: Place an eyemask next to my couch
  2. Journal
    • Atomic habit: Write the date, and the words wins and worries
    • Changing my physical space: Using pillow in my lap to write
  3. People
    • Atomic habit: When I have a big project write down people’s name who I can ask for help
    • Changing my physical space: Keep space clean enough for guests
  4. Videos
    • Atomic habit: Set up the camera
    • Changing physical space: Create multiple shoot locations in apartment

In other news, the CLIO conference was so good for business. Everyone was friendly, looking to network. We had so many good conversions and met a lot of potential customers and partners. Some thoughts:

  1. When people are at the top 1% of success, they tend to be far more relaxed and composed about success. They aren’t in a rush for a quick win. In that way, they may already be winning.
  2. A huge part of marketing, partnerships, and sales is about finding the right place to find the right people who want to work with you. Something I think about my coaching business is where might that be?

To the People I Love

Byjack

Today I came up with a realization. I was sitting on the couch just tired of dating, tired of trying.

And I realized that I shouldn’t think of dating as just a chore that I have to do, something that is tied to an end goal. Dating and making yourself vulnerable, trying to go outside of your comfort zone makes helps you confront the deepest parts of yourself. Your insecurities, your fears. Dating will make me a better person. But it’s not just dating.

This is also true for many other things in life. For starting a business, a Youtube channel. Going to the clubs at night. Anything.

I wrote this post with one friend in particular in mind. She is someone really special who I love on multiple levels. And whether or not I ever date her, or if we will just be two people who love each other platonically, I know one thing for sure. I love her because she has accepted me and loved me for everything she knows about me, not just the shiny good parts everyone likes to see. I want to be the kind of person who is able to support her, just like she has supported me. In every way, I can. Emotionally, financially, and strategically.

But it’s not just her. I want to use my love for everyone that I love in my life as motivation. Motivation to pursue what I want despite the fear in my heart that I will fail. To be me, even when I am afraid of being rejected. To be so successful and have learned to embrace my emotions so deeply I can support them in ways they cannot fathom.

XOXOXOXO

To the future!