Core Wounds 9

Byjack

I kind of dropped the ball on these because I don’t know if I feel like challenging my core wounds, but I think I need to keep going for the 21 days at least. It is interesting because you are supposed to focus on one core wound. I don’t know which one I would focus on, but maybe if I just keep going there is one that I will want to focus on.

I was talking to a friend about how it is hard to work on yourself sometimes. What I told her is that it is sometimes scary to think about who you might change into, but I think there is another reason. Sometimes it is hard to work on yourself because in order to work on yourself you first need to look at yourself in the mirror and face who you are, and that isn’t easy to do.

I think a big core wound or belief is that there is something wrong with me, that no one will actually like me if they know who I really am, that I’m weak and creepy and unattractive.

She Said I Made Her Day

Walking up to her out of the blue

On the streets of new york city

On the college campus

They both told me

I made their day

The next girl

Will think you are the one

She told me

And when I asked the girl

Lost in her own world

In a song she just found

Whether or not she thought I was attractive

She said yes

I felt she wanted to say more

But was too shy

Core Wounds 8

Byjack

Today I wanted to look at the core wound of feeling like no one will truly understand me and or truly love me.

Sharing Circle

I was in the circle

Of kings they said

I didn’t want to be there

I was just too sad

But they opened up the space for me

To tell my story

Of how I fell in love with a girl

Who I felt others wouldn’t approve of

But I still loved

How I felt like things went wrong

But not because I broke them

But because life

Sometimes

Isn’t easy or simple

I cried

When I thought about it

Felt safe to feel it

Like the time when I was at the party

Solomon turned to me

And said

I know how that feels

And Tim asked me to

Channel it into the karaoke 

My pain my loss

I feel that pain now

An Absolute Puzzle

Byjack

I am completely confused and upset by how this girl that I play Valorant went from having so much fun to always getting annoyed and mad.

Facts that I know:

  1. Used to beg me to play constantly, only stopped because I was too busy with work so I said no all the time
  2. Used to laugh and think I was very funny in games
  3. At first, was resistant to smurfing, but after she was convinced, had a ton of fun trolling on smurfs including doing frenzy only challenge
  4. Used to be afraid to talk in voice chat, only talked to me
  5. Spent all her time talking to me on Valorant and ignored her relationship because of how much she liked playing with me

She used to be my favorite person to play with for several months:

  1. Was always fun and chill
  2. Could make jokes or talk about deep stuff
  3. Made me feel special because she only wanted to play with me
  4. Would actually listen to strats unlike some girls who would get defensive when given any feedback
  5. Was very smart and improved a great deal in the time we played

However, somehow, after months of having lots and lots of fun, everything has taken a dramatic turn:

  1. Gets annoyed when she isn’t doing well and takes the game very seriously
  2. Gets annoyed when I’m taking the game too seriously but also gets mad when I goof off
  3. Wants everyone to be mean and toxic yet gets upset when people are toxic back
  4. Is mad when I’m goofing off and think I’m somehow trying very hard to be funny
  5. Claims that unrated it doesn’t matter if she wins or loses but gets mad when she loses
  6. Claims smurfs don’t matter but somehow gets mad when she loses on a smurf
  7. Somehow is able to have fun with other people and refuses to play with me now
  8. Cannot seem to remember any of our happy times and insists that she never had fun

Some factors that I think may contribute:

  1. May have been taught by someone that being slow and boring is a very bad thing, seems to be overly concerned with it and projects onto other people
  2. May feel a really strong pressure to do well, seemed to take the game extremely seriously after her friend started playing on it
  3. May also feel a great deal of pressure to play well and be less toxic around me because she wants it to work out, the pressure may cause her to do worse, and be even more toxic
  4. May feel a sense of superiority or arrogance? When we first started playing, she kept telling me she was afraid I would stop playing with her because she was lower elo than me. I never did, but always wondered if she would stop playing with me if she got better than me.

Altogether I can’t really make sense of this phenomenon and it does bother me a great deal. I suppose on some level I must accept that something about Valorant and playing with me triggers her in some deep way and that I shouldn’t let that stop me from having fun. It does make me sad that things have changed so dramatically and I lost my favorite Valorant buddy.

Valorant has become significantly less fun for me now. It almost feels like work, instead of a game that I loved. There was a period of time when I was playing with her that I truly let go of the need to win and actually just had fun. I don’t know what I need to do to get that feeling back. I hope she finds a way to have fun as well, but it breaks my heart that it isn’t with me.

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To A New Place

Byjack
To a New Place

I’m in a new place

And I feel lost

When I asked her why

She told me

It’s because I am coping with the emotions

By not feeling them

That my old life

Gave me a lot of my needs

And that it will take time

For me to find it again

I asked myself

In the men’s group

What I should do

And the answer

Was to be alone

In nature

And to be ok

With everything

Being a complete

Mess

Core Wounds 6

Byjack

Today I want to address the core wound that I am undesirable and a bad person specifically because I want to make other people happy.

He Looked Sad

He looked sad in the sharing circle

I’m having a rough time

He said

He didn’t say much more

And I don’t think

Anyone else knew

That this was a call for help

Only me

I see that you usually are very happy

I said

I feel that you must really be going through a lot

And I want to tell you

That it will be ok

He smiled

And I felt

Happy

 

I Felt Powerful

I knew

During the meeting

He was judging me

Trying far too much

To try to speak for me

I was angry

But I bided my time

When he tried to take control

And asked if I wanted to show the customer something

I said no

Then

After the meeting

Fresh from my success

I let myself be still and quiet

Let the doubt creep into his mind

Let him understand

That I knew exactly what I was doing

That I was the one

In control

Core Beliefs 5

Byjack

I don’t know exactly if this is a core wound, but I strongly believe that I am responsible for people’s emotions and that I am a bad person.

In order to process this (a rebalance my emotions), I am going to focus on a time when I hurt someone and focus on the part right before it so I can remember that there is a good reason for doing what I did and perhaps have a little more compassion for myself.

The Phone Call

She was a lonely girl

Quiet and shy

I wanted to be kind

By being a good friend

But she seemed to want more

When she asked me

If she could sleep in my bed

What to do

If she was sexually frustrated

I did my best to set my boundaries

I did my best to be firm

But she kept pushing

And it was too much

I knew too little

To do anything than

To push her away hard

After years

Of sending me letters and emails

She must have know

I didn’t want to talk

I just wish

She knew

It wasn’t her fault

That I didn’t like her

But I needed

To be able to say no

Core Beliefs 3

Byjack

Today I was talking to someone who thought that reprogramming your core beliefs and I’ve given this some thought.

  • It can be cringe if it isn’t genuine (forcing yourself to believe something that isn’t true)
  • It isn’t actually meant to be mindless affirmations but rather trying to get your mind to see a more balanced version of the truth. 
    • Ex: We are bad and our emotions do push other people away sometimes. But it’s not all the time. When you have a core wound, it’s something you are deeply afraid of and look for evidence for instead of looking at things clearly.
    • For example, if you believe you aren’t attractive, if ten people say you look good, and one person says you are ugly, you will believe the ten people are lying and the one person is telling the truth without being rational or logical about it. It doesn’t mean you aren’t ugly to some people, it just means it’s not as simple as you think it is.
    • If you successfully reprogram, you will take negative things less personally.
  • Reprogramming your subconscious means countering your habits of looking for evidence for the opposite of what you believe so you can see the fuller picture.
  • It can also be cringe if it is very surface level (mindlessness listing out five things)
  • Perhaps I want to take a more artistic approach and revisit different memories that contrasts against my core beliefs that takes me back to the feelings

Today I’ll do a little poem.

Zubats

It was nighttime in the art studios

Brandon’s smiling face

Shiny in the lights from above

He told me that the zubats were talking

And that he asked 

Jack or Michael

Jack of course

He told me that they said

Even though

They thought

I was a bit too arrogant

Core Beliefs 1

Byjack

Today I got into an argument with someone who is very close to my heart. Thinking about the argument later makes me think about what is painful about the relationship in general and the core wounds that it brings up.

Core wounds are damaging beliefs that we have about ourselves that we repeatedly look for evidence for (and traumatize ourselves constantly with). 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy teaches us that core wounds can be reprogrammed by finding evidence to the contrary. Thais Gibson recommends doing this for at least 21 days for the new beliefs to set in.

This is day one for me.

Core Wound 1: I’m not good enough (attractive physically and personality-wise)

Evidence to the contrary (I am good enough):

  • A girl in college who was very beautiful who I liked blushed every time I talked to her and liked me back. She was mean to other guys who showed interest.
  • When I was being myself and feeling confident recently, lots of women from girls on the plane, on the trail, at rental properties all seemed really eager to talk to me and help me. I’ve been told I have really good energy.
  • A girl that I love told me she likes the way I look, likes my thin frame and my hands.
  • A girl in high school once had a crush on me after flirting with her once. I might have made an impression on her.
  • A girl who I met playing a mobile game with, added me on her Snapchat and would talk to me for hours, there must have been a reason.

This is a really strong core wound for me. I often compare myself to others and feel like I’m less attractive. I feel that no one really likes me.

Core Wound 2: My emotions are not good and push people away

Evidence to the contrary (My emotions are good and bring people closer):

  • A lot of my art tends to come from my emotions and feelings and lots of people like them
  • Because of my emotions, I tend to be more honest, open and empathetic in support groups
  • I tend to connect with a lot of women by emotions. It’s why I like to have girls as friends and a lot of girls like me.
  • Emotions make me experience things more deeply, like when I cry watching Moana.
  • My emotions help me read other people much better because I can feel what they are feeling.

I always feel, especially with some people, that my emotions are too much and push people away. I worry people like hard and cold unemotional guys since they are stronger and don’t need anything. I also sometimes want to be strong and dominant and I don’t know how to reconcile that with emotions.

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On The Shuttle

Byjack
On the Shuttle

Today I got into a metal box
It’s not the kind you put into the ground
But the one that takes you from gate to gate
On the airplane filled tarmac
Except today I’m not leaving for a trip
It’s not a trip
It’s a move
And while it hasn’t quite hit me yet
Maybe I’m leaving a part of myself behind
Forever
Life though
Is always more gravel than dream
More grounded and real
Made up of experiences
Not places
Or cities
Austin
North Potomac
But I’ll miss them
Myself
My old comfortable life
That I snuggled in for so long
I’m afraid to grow up
Poke my head out from under the covers

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We Played A Game

Byjack
We Played A Game

The other day

We played a game

It had butterflies in it

My heart felt like a butterfly then

Light in my chest

Now it feels more like the stones

I picked off the ground

Heavy

And painful

As if I swallowed it

And it got stuck

Halfway down

We joked about her being a housewife

I would like that

To put everything that stresses her out

Safety away

And the only thing she would have to worry about

Is me

My desires

And the hunger I have

Like a fire

So ravenous, it threatens to take us both

We could take care of each other

Like in the game

But life isn’t a game

It’s not enough to just don’t starve

You have to forge your path through life

Create the road you walk on

I would be happy to be her home

Her comfort

If she could just find her way to me