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What We Owe Ourselves
I’ve been making everything a workpost these days. Because I like it. I like feeling the pride that I’m getting work done. But today, I’m going to try something a little different.
I want to write a little different. Not as a workpost, but a journal entry or maybe an essay.
I want to try writing with more of my emotions, seeking to express and be understood rather just recording my thoughts.
Today I felt very angry with myself. I felt like a failure. It’s been days and every day feels like a repeat of the same nightmare. Wake up, work, play Valorant, go to bed.
The deadline for my entrepreneurship endeavor feels like it is creeping closer and closer, and nothing feels like it is getting done. I feel like I’m drowning under the waves of my anxiety and stress. What if three months pass, and I get nothing done, just like I’ve gotten nothing done in the last 3 months?
In times like this, I feel desperate for answers. I search and I search for some answer to hold onto, some insight that will unlock my mind and set me free from this torment.
The answers didn’t come cleanly. But they did come.
First, I thought about my worries and wins. I wrote them down.
I thought about how really big goals aren’t completed by thinking about the goals, but about who you want to become, and being that person every day.
I thought about how focus was about letting things go, being ok with certain things slipping away.
I remembered my theories: connection theory, and flow theory. I used flow theory to feel my discomfort and soothe myself. Flow theory told me to hold my arms up in the wide circle, almost as if I was giving a hug to an imaginary friend. I needed to do this when I felt the feeling of letting myself down. Like I needed to hold myself and remind myself that I really cared.
I asked myself what I was willing to give myself, what I was willing to do today in order to prove to myself that I cared. And I wrote this:
Website Copy Draft
The path to greatness doesn’t have to be a lonely one
Have you always wanted to write a book, create a comic book, or start a youtube channel?
I specialize in helping people who are retired start one their second career…a career in creative expression.
I believe that there are 3 pillars to success in creating any artistic masterpiece – structure, creativity, and emotional honesty.
Master all three and you will have a work that will feel honest, raw, playful, and beautiful.
But it’s a lonely path to seek this on your own.
That’s where I come in.
With a unique background of both art and engineering, I uniquely understand the feeling and structure, and psychology required to complete the masterpiece of a lifetime. I won multiple awards for art as a child, and got a full scholarship to college for fine art. I am versed in multiple forms of art be it painting, videography, writing, music, and dance. I also studied mechanical engineering and have won awards in the corporate setting for my dedication to the details, practicality, and results orientation.
Together, I can help you express what it is that you want to express in a beautiful, deep, and artistic way.
Tomorrow, I will ask myself the same question. What am I willing to do for myself, my future me.
Valorant 19: The True Warmup
In my Valorant journey right now, I’m very interested in perfecting strafe shooting and proper clearing.
I heard that one of the elements of getting really good is about focusing on fewer things. What I’m really working on right now is getting something out of my warmups.
I usually play deathmatch until I feel like I’m hitting my shots and then jump into a match. But, now I’m thinking I need to let go of trying to push off from the confidence in a good deathmatch and instead working on making the mechanics more intuitive…meaning I need to deathmatch until I can hit shots even if I’m not match mvp, my clears, peeks and jiggles feel COMFORTABLE. Even if that means going into some deathmatches where it is really hard and everyone on taps me. The point of warmup should be when I feel like I’m not having trouble hitting shot anymore.
From Mortal To God
“Every man is a divinity in disguise, a god playing the fool.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
The last few weeks have been exhausting and emotionally draining. I came to Austin to find myself and focus on building myself up and I need to focus my energy on myself.
I need to focus on my physical and mental health and I intend to use my blog as a way to track my thoughts, struggles and progress.
Things I want to focus on:
- Thais Gibson’s personal development school – to focus on healing childhood trauma
- Self massage, gua sha and posture – to align body and remove tension
- Dance – to regain body awareness
- Food and nutrition – to feed the healing of my body
- Sleep – to regain energy and heal myself
Now the next piece is to break down every bit of resistance or difficulty in every aspect.
Personal development school courses
- Lots of long videos
- Worksheets
- Poorly organized
Love and connection: work with Jenny or someone else
Certainty: Timebox, skim through entire course to get understanding
Growth: Capture video blogs throughout to see progress
Massage and Posture
Certainty: Every morning and night, indulge in the sensations
Growth: Capture pictures to see progress
Dance
Certainty: Watch old lessons every morning, feel body
Uncertainty: Try to create something new
Love and connection: Share on social media or with friends
Growth: Create videos of progress
Food and nutrition
Certainty: Cook enough food in the morning to sustain throughout the day, cook food prep that will make it easy and fast, have ritual around eating food (no electronics)
Love and connection: Invite someone over for lunch, share on social media or friends
Sleep
Certainty: Start brushing teeth around 10 PM
Love and connection: write a core wound post before bed or a poem or do some art
I also want to focus on weekly health audits and setting up a really nice space to shoot videos and work and play games.
Core Beliefs 1
Today I got into an argument with someone who is very close to my heart. Thinking about the argument later makes me think about what is painful about the relationship in general and the core wounds that it brings up.
Core wounds are damaging beliefs that we have about ourselves that we repeatedly look for evidence for (and traumatize ourselves constantly with).
Cognitive-behavioral therapy teaches us that core wounds can be reprogrammed by finding evidence to the contrary. Thais Gibson recommends doing this for at least 21 days for the new beliefs to set in.
This is day one for me.
Core Wound 1: I’m not good enough (attractive physically and personality-wise)
Evidence to the contrary (I am good enough):
- A girl in college who was very beautiful who I liked blushed every time I talked to her and liked me back. She was mean to other guys who showed interest.
- When I was being myself and feeling confident recently, lots of women from girls on the plane, on the trail, at rental properties all seemed really eager to talk to me and help me. I’ve been told I have really good energy.
- A girl that I love told me she likes the way I look, likes my thin frame and my hands.
- A girl in high school once had a crush on me after flirting with her once. I might have made an impression on her.
- A girl who I met playing a mobile game with, added me on her Snapchat and would talk to me for hours, there must have been a reason.
This is a really strong core wound for me. I often compare myself to others and feel like I’m less attractive. I feel that no one really likes me.
Core Wound 2: My emotions are not good and push people away
Evidence to the contrary (My emotions are good and bring people closer):
- A lot of my art tends to come from my emotions and feelings and lots of people like them
- Because of my emotions, I tend to be more honest, open and empathetic in support groups
- I tend to connect with a lot of women by emotions. It’s why I like to have girls as friends and a lot of girls like me.
- Emotions make me experience things more deeply, like when I cry watching Moana.
- My emotions help me read other people much better because I can feel what they are feeling.
I always feel, especially with some people, that my emotions are too much and push people away. I worry people like hard and cold unemotional guys since they are stronger and don’t need anything. I also sometimes want to be strong and dominant and I don’t know how to reconcile that with emotions.
Sova Fanart 5: Class Unit 2 Day 2
UNIT TWO: Dynamic Figure Drawing | Day 2 – Copy a pose from memory, trace, and correct original
I am going to interpret this as just using real life references.
Again, since we had so much success last night we are going to break things down again.
Suggested time: 90 minutes (30 minutes per unit, 10 minutes per part)
Unit 1: Gather images
- Part 1: Look for reference photo sources
- Part 2: Brainstorm action poses
- Part 3: Brainstorm perspective poses
Unit 2: From memory
- Part 1: Pose 1
- Part 2: Pose 2
- Part 3: Pose 3
Unit 3: From life
- Part 1: Pose 1
- Part 2: Pose 2
- Part 3: Pose 3
Unit 1: Gather images
Part 1: Look for reference photo sources

10 Best Free Pose Reference Sites For Figure Drawing – Improveyourdrawings.com
Part 2&3: Brainstorm action and perspective poses
023 Male Action Pose — Characterdesigns.com
011 Gun Action Pose Male Model — Characterdesigns.com
*Not a pose, but a really cool course I might want to check out
(155) The 6 Types of Joints – Human Anatomy for Artists – YouTube
Now I need to decide on the specific poses I want to try:






Unit 2 & 3: From memory & life
So the poses I most want to choose in order of precedence are:
- Pose 7
- Pose 3
- Pose 1
- Pose 2
- Pose 6
- Pose 8
- Pose 5
I’m going to try the first four (7, 3, 1, 2).
Part 1: Pose 7


Part 2: Pose 3



Part 3: Pose 1



Part 4: Pose 2



Overall Takeaways
Rough Sketch
- Recreate the pose as itself instead of memorizing the image
- Visualize the twist of the torso
- Try to visualize the space they are holding with their arms (like a beach ball) and space with their feet (like a pyramid)
Refined Sketch
- Focus on the different sides of body parts, what side is facing where
- Mark the attachment point of the neck