To Love and Lose Love

Byjack

A dear friend of mine who I was deeply in love with just cut ties with me. And I’m surprisingly calm.

Part of it is because I don’t think there is much left unsaid or anything I really regret about the whole friendship/relationship we had. I loved so many things about her. The way she made jokes, the sound of her voice, the patience and love she showed me at my worst. I will never forget that and I think she’s changed my life in ways she probably doesn’t even know.

I only wish she felt safe enough, trusted me enough, to tell me about how she truly felt. The worries, the emotions, the anger she was going through, I wish she trusted me enough to be open about it – so I could be as loving as she was for me and be closer today for it. In the end, she gave up on me – just like I had almost given up on her earlier in the friendship.

There are two things that still make me feel like someone is ripping apart my heart with a fork:

  • The fear that I wasn’t ever really special to her. That maybe she will turn around and say and do all of the things she said and did for me to the next person down the line. Maybe she has already found that next person. Maybe that is why she left. This hurts me somewhere so deep it’s hard for me to face fully.
  • The hope that she will come back. Hope is pure torture. I’m afraid it will drive me mad if I dwell on it too long.

There are more steps of grief, more growing I will need to do. But this is how I feel right now.

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Valorant 38: Day 1 – Apas – 6/3/23

Byjack
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHsBpSit-kc&t=382s&ab_channel=valorantpromatches

I didn’t really know how to copy the apas style, but I noticed that he wide peeked a lot.

I also used the ideas earlier about hyping myself up and it seemed to work.

We didn’t win this game but I was incredibly aggressive and confident in my peeks. I entried with the classic and was not afraid to push very aggressively, buying my team space.

In this game I started feeling frustrated with my team and that I was starting to overheat and not aim as properly.

After running a deathmatch and focusing on taking a second to aim, and to fully face the enemy, looking for the kill, I had this game.

I felt this was by far the most successful, with aggressive peeking but also utilizing util and gamesense to the fullest.

My sense is that hyping myself up is probably the biggest strategy for me, with some additional adjustments afterwards for aim technique.

Workpost 1: Coming Back

Byjack

I realized something about my structure today. I stopped making these posts. I lost my progress with going to sleep on time. I started feeling really overwhelmed and like I never had enough time to do anything, even though I have more time than ever.

What I realized that I love working. Intentional, driven, honest work. I don’t like the work where you have to ignore your feelings, your values, your morals, or your intelligence. But I love the work that is driven at improving yourself, being present, and making enough money to set you free.

I did an experiment when I stopped calling these posts “Profit in Peace” because that name comes from a program that isn’t mine, a program that had a similar premise to what I’m describing (making profit while being at peace emotionally), but it wasn’t actually about profit in peace, it was about selling things on Amazon.

So I’m trying out a new name for these posts. Workpost is my new name for my daily posts that use my blog as a working space for my ideas, businesses, personal development, and creative process.

Tired

Right now I feel tired

My stomach aches like the sour candy left on your teeth for too long

The bleariness drenching my head

Yet I seek

I seek for more

I dream of great profits

And when I wrote

Why I wanted them

“Life can be a magical place”

“And I want to live that life”

It is starting to make so much sense why I often write poems because they are such a good way to express where I am without resorting to logic.

Today I want to focus a bit on two things, AI Consulting and my art research and my art program.

For AI consulting, I want to tackle the first step of my plan which is to make a name for myself in AI.

My focus is primarily Linkedin, Facebook, and Twitter because those are probably the three main areas I will pull clients.

The aim of step one is to build up credibility amongst people that I may contact. It can be credibility with people who aren’t particularly savvy in technology so the content needs to be directed at my potential audience.

In a way, I would like the content to be a preview of what consulting will look like.

I have 10 days to do this step. Counting today that would be until the 27th of February.

Lets break it down further.

Goal: Be known, give preview of consulting

UNIT ONE (3 days): Bootstrap trial and error

  1. Make a ton of shit
  2. Get feedback
  3. Make more shit based on feedback

UNIT TWO (3 days): Harden process

  1. Choose my favorite processes
  2. Try to pump out tons of stuff
  3. Tinker and document process

UNIT THREE (3 days): Pump out content like a machine

  1. Make as much as possible (pump out content!)
  2. Feedback and reflection
  3. Pump out more

BONUS (1 day): Look for automation/outsourcing, try to make as low effort as possible

Switching gears to Art/Creative Coaching, the point of the first 4 months is to change the lives of my clients, and sort of start my group coaching program. I want to use this to increase my rates drastically. The end of this part will be June 18th.

Goal: Change the lives of my clients via one on one, group coaching and any other methods available to me

UNIT ONE (1 month): Take risks, experiment

  1. Brainstorm ideas for each client
  2. Explore ideas of how to change the client outside of the sessions
  3. Bring other people into the mix
  4. Experiment with my routine before a session

UNIT TWO (1 month): Reflect on coaching sessions, meditate, innovate

UNIT THREE (1 month): Take big risks with group coaching

BONUS (1 month): Document journeys, testimonials

I haven’t quite figured out the structure for advancing in coaching. It was extremely difficult to come up with things for UNIT ONE and those aren’t even steps and subunits, they are just ideas I can try. I think it is because coaching is such an intuitive thing for me. It is hard to structure it. What I feel I almost need is another coach. Maybe I will build my bot for that and utilize Dan.

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To A New Place

Byjack
To a New Place

I’m in a new place

And I feel lost

When I asked her why

She told me

It’s because I am coping with the emotions

By not feeling them

That my old life

Gave me a lot of my needs

And that it will take time

For me to find it again

I asked myself

In the men’s group

What I should do

And the answer

Was to be alone

In nature

And to be ok

With everything

Being a complete

Mess

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Workpost 26: My Way

Byjack

My Way

Anger in my heart

Ripping tearing

Destroy all the people

Who don’t understand me

Who want to tell me what to do

What I’m worth

I hate them all

With every fiber of my being

If I could burn their existence and wipe them from the planet I would

I’m so tired of fighting

I’m so tired of having to rely on others to do what I want to do

I’m so tired

I feel hopeless sometimes

Like there is no way out of this horrid existence

Where I am trapped

I breathed and breathed

And in the breath

I remembered

That I don’t need to let anyone control me

Only one person can live my life

No one else can touch me

They can’t hurt me and they can’t control me

I can do things my way

I did a little IFS therapy on myself and here are the parts that came up:

  1. Black Hatred: This is a protector of some sort that prevents other people from taking me off course of what I want to do. It does this through extreme anger against people who don’t understand me and box me into what they feel my limitations are.
  2. Mind Reader: The mind reader is always calculating what other people want in order to prevent the painful feelings around rejection and failure.

I reminded Black Hatred that I am 31 years old and he no longer needs to protect me since no one has any hold over me anymore. I can do whatever I want to do. I promised him that I will remain true to myself.

I reminded Mind Reader that I am 31 and I am fully capable with dealing with failure, and that at my age, failure helps keep the boredom away. I promised him that I will take care of myself and give myself time, space, comfort, and support.

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Valorant 19: The True Warmup

Byjack

In my Valorant journey right now, I’m very interested in perfecting strafe shooting and proper clearing. 

I heard that one of the elements of getting really good is about focusing on fewer things. What I’m really working on right now is getting something out of my warmups.

I usually play deathmatch until I feel like I’m hitting my shots and then jump into a match. But, now I’m thinking I need to let go of trying to push off from the confidence in a good deathmatch and instead working on making the mechanics more intuitive…meaning I need to deathmatch until I can hit shots even if I’m not match mvp, my clears, peeks and jiggles feel COMFORTABLE. Even if that means going into some deathmatches where it is really hard and everyone on taps me. The point of warmup should be when I feel like I’m not having trouble hitting shot anymore.

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Profit in Peace 20: Boundaries

Byjack

I was thinking today about boundaries and needs, and how I’m starting to work on recognizing them. I’ll add a new one to the list:

  1. Honesty – truth is important
  2. Empathy – emotions are important
  3. Respect – it is important to be valued and value others
  4. Time – control over your time and space
  5. Possibility – belief anything is possible
  6. Health – lifestyle is important

Needs are interesting, because I think boundaries are used to protect needs. I’m not entirely sure whether or not these are needs or boundaries. I also don’t know if they are values. In doing a little more research it seems that some people would consider these values, not needs. Maybe I should switch up my terminology.

In any case, health is a value that I recently added to incorporate my dedication to sleep, digestion, and exercise all in the service of feeling happy, strong, and energetic (for the long run).

I also recently thought about possibility. The most often neglected of all my values/needs but I feel equally important. I realized recently that possibility is what drives solutions. Boundaries are important, but communicating them, enforcing them, often requires compromise and communication. And what helps with that is the feeling of possibility.

Recently, I was feeling resentful of my parents not wanting me to go to a social gathering with friends. I felt it was violating my boundary around health (mental health), empathy (where they would value my emotions) and honesty (I did not feel like I could be honest about any of this).

However, I didn’t know what to do because I respect their boundaries around health might be a bit different from mine. Being older and frailer, they were more worried about my health and their own. I know that I cannot protect them from getting sick, but I felt increasingly stressed.

The possibility value came into play when I thought about how anything is possible. I started to think about how I could meet my need for emotional health in different ways, for example, talking more to my friends and meeting more of them (in a more one on one setting) that would potentially reduce and control the risk to my parents. At the same time I still see possibilities in meeting up with my friends working out as possibility is always there.