Ugly Water
My little sloth talks about her ugly water
In a roaring ocean
Of fear and hatred
Roaring outside
Inside her little room
She stands by the room
Holding it closed
Always holding
As she feels the pressure of it
About to overwhelm everything
Leaking
Like the seeping of dread
She looks and
It was a mistake
Because she forgot to hold the door closed
I’m trying to clean as fast as I can
I wonder what feeling I’m running from
When I look at the art supplied filling the closet
That I slept in last night
I feel like I want to cry
My heart hurts
Is there a point to setting up
My own place
If I have no one to share it with
I miss
Feeling safe
Everything just feels
So empty
Just like me
I’ve been playing pokemon go so much recently. I’ve made a lot of progress in the game, but I really worry that I’m getting addicted because of how stressed out I am right now.
I stressed out about my relationship and about my career path moving forward. I want to make sure that work does not take over my life and that it stays aligned to what I want to do moving forward.
Every time I feel stressed, I reach for the pokemon go. Holy shit, I am addicted.
I feel very tired, but no longer sick. That is a good thing at least.
I’m going to walk around the airport. And this time, instead of catching pokemon, I am going to meditate and think.
On the plane I meditated on some of my issues and I came to a big realization. The first step to feeling or processing any pain is to notice and name the pain that exists. I spend so much time avoiding thinking about painful emotions or experiences, avoiding thinking about how things hurt me it makes it hard to face the pain at all since I’m not taking the first step,
I want to focus on doing that more now as the first step to processing more emotions.
As Alex Hormozi said (or am I just saying this?) everyone needs to know sales. Because sales lead to money and everyone needs money. If you don’t know how to sell, then you end up working for someone who does.
Before I try out the leads techniques on my coaching business, I am using it for my AI company.
And for that company, I’ve been feeling extreme pressure and stress around talking to my warm and lukewarm or cold leads.
I’ve processed some of these emotions and came up with some of a process:
The other part of this equation that I still am scratching my head about is delivering fast and big value. Alex talks about that but I don’t know what that value means, and I don’t know if I am allowed to give away things. I need to think about it some more and come up with some ideas. Perhaps my time can be split between developing value and content and reaching out.
I’ve been thinking of way to provide people value and the only thing I can really think of is having some time with me.
Maybe one way to think about it is I need to establish myself as an AI expert or someone with a lot of prior success. Perhaps one helpful detail is that I’ve worked with companies where we saw a 10x increase in efficiency in specific areas.
Maybe it would be helpful to show them the website as well for use cases or a list of ideas for their specific area.
Today I feel mentally and physically drained. I went to bed at 3 AM last night. I feel defeated, anxious, and sad about my relationship. I keep asking myself what it means to own a startup, what it means to be in charge. I think what it means is to be able to take a day off if you need to.
Let’s take a look at some of the different areas of my life right now:
STARTUP
What might be the next steps?
LIFE
What might be my next steps?
COACHING
What might be my next steps?
RELATIONSHIP
What might be next steps?
Ok, it has been three days and every single day this week, my peace has been disrupted. Things are blowing up at work yet again and I don’t have the space and time that I need to think and introspect and work on my own things.
A couple of big wins:
So today’s challenge is not about working to further my coaching practice in any way, to work on reviewing VODs or editing my Instagram page or Instagram videos. It is simply about how to transform the chaos and stress that dominate the middle of my day and transform it into peace.
I have the French challenge coming up, and I want to be able to reliably work on that without being pulled all sorts of directions.
A little of introspection and meditation about it reveals to me that the reason why I’m so stressed is because I’m trying to control things that are out of my control. However, I feel the need to control things because I feel that there are many things threatening my boundaries.
The key maybe to have strong clear boundaries and needs, and to work on communicating them and to let go of controlling everything else.
Boundaries & Needs:
What I would like to do today, is before going into any meeting, remind myself of these boundaries and needs and ask myself, what is out of my control, what is within my control.
I did not wake up feeling good. I went to bed at 11:40 (much earlier to my credit! I ended up not working on one of my projects and didn’t play Valorant). However, I couldn’t fall asleep because I just showered and my body was too hot.
This morning, I went for a walk and I crawled for about 30 minutes. Crawling feels EXTREMELY good. I found a way to do it very naturally. I think it is funny how great hardship yet again provides so much value. I know how to crawl because I had to learn how to walk properly after messing up my knee so much that it hurt to walk. In learning how to walk I have a clear idea of how to shift my weight and do the same thing when I crawl. I’m going to try to crawl more throughout the day.
Other than crawling, I did feel extremely happy last night driving around but again in the morning I feel kind of lonely and depressed and I wonder again what I can do to soothe that.
Perhaps, I will play some Valorant today, do some art and music, and more crawling because those things all make me happy. I also reached out to a lot of friends yesterday and a lot of people wanted to talk today so maybe I will talk to them too. I am excited to go on the trip to California with my brother and sister!
As for the different projects, here are my thoughts: