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Water In the Basement

Byjack
Water in the Basement

There was water in the basement today

My mom handed me a garbage bag

To throw away things

That we couldn’t wash

The saddest thing

Was a cardboard sculpture of myself

Because I knew

It was sodden and sad

Paper hair plastered on the side

Like a sad version of a bad hair day

I remembered when it was new

When my art professor told us about Chris Gilmour

The sculptor who used cardboard instead of stone

Intricate cars and motorcyles

Precisely detailed in warm brown

And gave us the assignment to create a sculpture of ourselves

But my sculpture

Wasn’t like Gilmour’s at all

It was all messy cardboard

Hot glued together

It didn’t look like me

But it felt like me

When I looked into the eyes

I remembered the way I felt

My mind was all stars and night and imagination

Some part of me

Is afraid to let it go

It’s a familiar sad feeling

Like what I felt when I let go of the girl I loved

Only

This time

The person I’m letting go of

Is the person

Who made the sculpture

Years ago

When I look at this sculpture that I made in wood and mixed media class, I remember what I felt in college. So young and full of promise. That I could be anything, do anything. That I didn’t have to think about the rest of my life. Part of me always wants to go back. And it is hard to admit that that part of my life is over.

I think about this when I wait for nighttime. It is nighttime when I will see how things are going to unfold. I hope she will show me her vulnerable side, her emotional side again. The parts of her that I knew I needed in my life when I first met her. But I know, I cannot force her to be that person for me. That there is a possibility, that she won’t. That she will be closed and I’m so sad that I may have to say goodbye to the person I was when I was in love with her.

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Unsure of What I’m Doing in France

Byjack

* I wrote this on Jan 15th…gonna leave it as a journal entry for now.

I feel unhappy right now. I feel like I can’t work on the things I want to work on. I feel stressed out that my relationship won’t work out. I don’t know what I’m doing here in France. I actually very much dislike the country. I am worried that coaching is not the thing that I actually want to do. I find it hard to find myself and feel myself in this relationship. I wonder if that is because of me not knowing myself, coaching not being the thing I want to do, or if this is the wrong place for me.

Right now I don’t feel like working on coaching or thinking about coaching.

I want to work on something that is purely interesting to me and something that is actually fun.

I think that thing right now is making a story creation bot in python using large language models.

In order to write a halfway decent story, I believe you need a couple of things:

  1. Strong characters
  2. Strong plot
  3. Premise, moral or lesson
  4. Great dialog
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What If It Wasn’t Real

Byjack
What If It Wasn’t Real

She used to message me and beg me to get on to play
I thought she needed me then
Loved spending time together
We would joke
And talk about life
Little things
These days she plays
Without me
It’s me who asks
And she reluctantly accepts
In the game, she’s all anger and frustration
She hates the game
She hates the teammates
She hates me
And she hates herself
She denied that she ever had fun with me today
Says she can’t remember the last time we played
That I annoy her
That we need to win if we play
That we just don’t work together
“I like small talk,” she says about her new friends
“We are too busy asking about favorite colors”
“For me to be mad”
I remember a time we asked each other our favorite colors
I wonder if it was less special than I thought
Or if her new friends are more special than me
Its doubt that destroys love
Not hate or anger
Doubt eating away at a foundation so strong
It promised forever
Today I worry
If I left
Would she even notice
Over the laughter
Of her new friends

This poem is about feeling like what you thought you both cherished, only you actually cherished. That there wasn’t a connection at the level that I originally thought.

If that is actually true, I don’t feel heartbroken. Only depressed. So incredibly disappointed that everything was not as special as I thought it was. It takes me back to my dark places, wondering if anyone could truly love me.

Part of me knows it’s more complicated than that. That there is still hope for us. Still hope for me.

Workpost 39: Making the Most of It

Byjack

This morning I had a very slow start. Seems to be the same for a lot of days.

I really really focused on the idea that everything could be turned into an advantage. And today, I realized that the reason why I have slow starts is because my stomach burns, aches, and has gnawing empty pain. It is so bad, it is hard to focus and feel motivated to work.

The opportunity this morning is to devise some techniques to help with my stomach and be able to test it with the worst possible conditions. In other words, if the techniques work now, they will work anytime.

I tried this video first, and it was pretty helpful.

Then I tried this video which was helpful, but too boring to finish:

Finally, I tried drinking hot tea, which seemed to help some as well.’

And then, even though my stomach starting feeling better, I ran into another problem with avengance.

This problem was simple. Absolutely no motivation to do anything, being that I still felt tired and overwhelmed. Instead, I wanted to play games and watch tv shows.

I’m going to take the same approach here: use this as an opportunity to test out some new ideas with productivity.

So I have many many techniques in this area already, but I want to innovate further today in a different direction instead of meditation, letting go, focus, etc.

I want to look at why, even in my overwhelmed state, do I want to play Valorant and Fallout Shelter, and how I can fundamentally apply the same things to the things I want to do.

Things I Want To Do

  • Consulting work
  • Linkedin posts
  • Coaching work
  • Working out

Before I forget, here are some additional mindsets I can add the useful pile:

  1. Walking to vent stress, find peace, ask tough questions, get answers
  2. Workpost is to innovate something

Main Reasons Why I Want to Play Valorant

  • Can work on a specific skill like aim, movement, gamesense
  • Want to level up really quick and be a top player
  • Inspired by demon1, tenz, oxy, and aspas – want to be the best as well
  • Like working with a team, getting clutch plays off, good vibes

Main Reasons Why I Want to Play Fallout Shelter

  • Get control of my vault
  • Satisfaction in optimizing my vault
  • Satisfaction in leveling people up, and getting new weapons

Why It Is difficult to get the same feeling with work?

  • There is no specific simple skill to work on
  • Nothing I want to level up in
  • No one to inspire me
  • No team to work with
  • Don’t feel in complete ownership of the project
  • In a hurry to get it done

What skills am I excited want to work on in terms of work?

  • Faster problem solving skills
  • Intuition + precise logic for accurate but rapid decision making
  • Ability to think deeper with less effort
  • Memory and recall with less energy

What do I want to level up in terms of rank?

  • Money
  • Intellect
  • Thought leadership
  • Communication and charisma

Who do I draw inspiration from?

  • Elon Musk
  • Alex Hormozi
  • Khalid Sharara

How might I work off my team more?

  • Showing off the results of my work

How might I feel more in control of my work?

  • Understand that charisma, leadership are part of what I need to own and protect my work, just because there are other players involved doesn’t mean I don’t own it

Using all this information, I want to develop a unit of work, called a “game” or “match” to simulate what I do in Valorant. In Valorant you play a match with a clear objective, and you warm up before the game, and take breaks after the game.

Game Structure

Warmup: 15 minutes

Use to do list, practice one skill at a time:

  1. Faster problem solving/solution creation skills
  2. Intuition + precise logic for accurate but rapid decision making
  3. Ability to think deeper with less effort
  4. Memory and recall with less energy

Main game: 45 minutes

Fights:

Capture questions and answers.

Level up in:

  • Money
  • Intellect
  • Thought leadership
  • Communication and charisma

Result Calculation:

  1. How much do I think this work is worth?
  2. How difficult intellectually was this work from 1-10?
  3. What percentile do I place this work in terms of innovation?
  4. Gains in communication and charisma?
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Sales All the Way Baby

Byjack

So I’ve been thinking a lot about, well sales. This video sums it up pretty well.

I have been focusing on a lot of things recently, coaching, youtube, France and my girlfriend and on top of all of that, work and my day job in AI consulting. I recently decided to say fuck it for everything but three things:

  1. My girlfriend and relationship – we don’t have much time together and I want to enjoy it
  2. Exploring France – again not much time, amazing opportunity to relax and explore
  3. Going crazy as an AI Consultant and bringing in a crazy amount of business

My relationship is going pretty good, and for France I don’t want to think about it, I just do whatever I want. So let’s focus on the last thing.

I want to do exactly what Mark Cuban said. I want to be the best-performing salesman at my job. I want to take that experience to build my coaching business. I want to use my success to do consulting like I do coaching and have a lot of fun. I want to use my success to request more pay.

I want to learn how to master content creation. Build a social media presence. Build my connections. Get the reputation and respect that I’ve always felt I deserved.

The main conundrum I’ve been facing is this:

  1. How much information do I give away?
  2. If I give away tons of free information, what are they hiring me for?
  3. If I give away free 30 minute sessions, does that mean I will never talk to them ever again?

After some meditation, I came up with the following thoughts:

  1. I can give away everything
  2. For focusing on their specific problem. The most difficult thing is not to come up with a solution it is to come up with a solution to the right problem (just like coaching)
  3. No, I can always talk to them again. In fact, I can give away unlimited 30-minute sessions. However, it isn’t about the 30 minutes in the session that costs me a lot. It is the 30 minutes of research that I need to do before the call. It is the structure of writing out a plan for them that is costing me more.
  4. I can always have more conversations with less prep or even more 30 minute conversations with them.
  5. In the future, if they pay for consulting, they are paying me to invest more deeply into their solution. That means more research outside of the calls. That means more knowledge of their product and aligning my goals with theirs (just like in coaching).
  6. If I wanted to sell educational products, the cost for me and the added value for them would be in the way I packaged the information. Not the information itself. For example, a special website, platform, a book or an app.

There are three parts of a solving a problem:

  1. Having the knowledge
  2. Transferring it to someone
  3. Using the knowledge to solve the problem

When you create free content, you are mostly some #1 and some #2. I use a lot of my current knowledge + a little research + some production (design, videography, writing).

When I get on random calls with people, it is a little #1 and a little #2. I’m using my current knowledge with no research, and trying my best to transfer it to someone on a call.

When I get on “free” high value calls with people, I’m doing some of #1 and some #2 and a tiny bit of #3. I do a lot of research, use my current knowledge, trying my best to transfer the knowledge, and might even implement a small deliverable (like a roadmap, plan, strategy, or diagnosis).

When I’m doing consulting for them, I’m doing a lot of #1 and a lot of #3 with some #2. I’m doing tons of research, using my own knowledge, leading the charge on actually solving the problem (either building it myself, finding the right solution to buy, or hiring the people needed to build it), and doing a bit of education.

When I’m selling an education solution, I am doing a lot of #1 and a lot of #2. I’m doing tons of research, and spending a lot of effort on transferring the knowledge.

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Cardioid Dreams

Byjack
Cardioid Dreams

The is one thing

That keeps me from showing everything to her

The true me

All the parts I hide from other people

Is the part of me

I’ve tried to reject

To hide inside

To ignore

She says it makes her want to throw up

That some things are better hidden

And I worry

If she knows

How I dream of her warm skin touching mine

Of raw passion like a hunger

That can’t be satisfied

Until there is nothing

Between us

Not even air

I can’t tell

Where her body ends and mine begins

Our hearts like

Two djembe drums

Under a desert sand

Beating in our veins

Our breath

Like the sound of trees

Swaying in the wind

I don’t want to hide

But if she knows

Will she would see me anew

A monster

And would her love flicker and go out

Extinguished by disgust

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Workpost 54: Fears

Byjack

I’m starting work on the new branding project but I’m feeling some fears:

  1. Fear of failure
  2. Fear of being misunderstood and not heard
  3. Fear of being seen as bad, lazy, unproductive, dumb

I feel trapped. Shoulders, fear in center of chest. I don’t know what to do to be seen as productive.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel out of control. Nerves vibing in my chest. Clenched stomach. I don’t know what will work.

I feel like a failure. Pain in my chest. I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m imagining failing. I feel worthless. Head, chest, cold, numb tingling.

Grounding

I may not satisfy other people’s ideas of productivity, but I can satisfy what I see as productive. I can focus on my personal growth and the growth of my companies.

I don’t know what will work but I know what I can try.

I’m adventuring into new territory – that’s why I don’t know what I’m doing.

This gives me the opportunity to process the I’m unworthy wound.

Reframe

This is my opportunity to help other people grow in what they understand as productivity.

Embrace people knowing what you are working on, practice being proud of your process (like emotional processing). -> Big trigger from dad being skeptical of my process and feeling like I need to justify

Big failure literally always leads to big growth and learning. Let’s chase failure. I shouldn’t feel guilty as failure is all on me.

Ok, that makes me realize a lot of this comes from my dad constantly being skeptical, not trusting me, and dismissing my process. I feel always I need to justify myself.

It leads to a very strong I am trapped wound. Shoulders compressed and pain in chest.

Also some I am misunderstood, I am a failure, I am not trusted.

I wonder if that’s how he was treated? I wonder if he has those wounds too.

To grow from it, it occurs to me that he needed an explanation, a justification, and was skeptical because of his own internalized judgement – not because there was something wrong with me.

His comparison of me with other people was all due to his own shame.

Demanding an explanation is from own lack of trust in himself, he can’t understand my trust in myself.

Additional processing:

I did some more processing later in the day. I felt super tired but I kept feeling pressure to work. I feel fear that if I don’t get a certain amount of work done, that I will be rejected.

My dad would say that I didn’t plan the day out well enough, I was not efficient enough, or that I need to work harder.

I felt that fear in my chest as a I am not good enough wound.

In reframing I came to the conclusion that even though my dad had no boundaries around the amount of energy he could put into work, doesn’t mean I cannot.

I choose to put boundaries around my work, and to stop working or move on when I feel I’ve given as much as I can give within the course of the day.