Poetry | Writing

What Makes Me Cry

Byjack February 26, 2022February 26, 2022

What Makes Me Cry

It’s not the fact that I loved her

Or the fact she used to read my blog every morning

Or the sound of her pretty voice

Or her jokes

Her emotions

Her caring side

Her acceptance of everything about me, even the dark parts

Her deep love for me

Or her photographs

Not her neediness

Or her eagerness to please me

What makes me cry

Is thinking about

How I always thought

I would be the one

To take her

Away from all the pain and suffering in her life

Hold her in my arms every night

Give her a space to heal and blossom

I thought I would be the one

To save her

But I’m not

That

Makes me cry

Poetry | Writing

I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

Byjack December 21, 2022December 21, 2022

I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

I was standing in the morning

And jumped in place

When I heard her come down the stairs

She was going to catch me

Wasting time

She told me to do exercises

But I wanted to focus on my breathing

Stare into space

Feel my thoughts

I had to bring reasons

Like armor

To defend myself against her assault

Wash your clothes

Go outside and exercise

Take a nap

Or the screaming

Rejection comes next

Anger

Chaos

Danger

Like a time bomb

Set off by too many times

I didn’t give a reason to her

That I knew what I was doing

In my room writing this down

I await the assault

And brace myself with a list of explanations

Of why I’m up here

Poetry | Writing

Don’t Show Empathy

Byjack November 30, 2023November 30, 2023

Don’t Show Empathy

He told me

He looked matter a fact

Almost amused

He looked over to my boss

At least that’s what I was told

Because then they will try to negotiate for more

He said

My boss nodded slightly

I asked them how to do this with empathy

And they told me not to

They told me to use words

To make him feel good

As if I valued him

They didn’t know

I’m not scared of this conversation

But I did value him

I don’t need to pretend

But they are asking me to wait until the last minute to tell him

I talked to him today

And he looked at me

And I felt so caged

Unable to meet his eyes

Unable to be honest

They want to wait

To spring it on him all at once

As if this is something that needs to be done

With the fear of retribution in mind

My boss told me that it would be kindness to drag things on

But I didn’t sleep last night

So tired

Wound up tight

Like something is squeezing my heart shut

Like a hydraulic press

I wonder if it is worth

Being in a place

Where I feel this way

Poetry | Writing

To Explore Love

Byjack November 15, 2021December 2, 2021

Who She Is For Me

When I’m with her

I feel I can be so ugly

So weak

So bad

So hurtful

And yet I feel safe

Like I can stop checking

Her face for signs of anger

Stop feeling ashamed, worried

It surprises me how calm I feel

When my mask is off around her

Her acceptance like a balm for my soul

Her love can

Make her helpless

Like the most beautiful creature

So vulnerable

She would endure

Pain if it means my pleasure

I like to explore life

And uncover it’s discoveries

Now I can have someone to share them with

It’s like

She can hear music in my mind

Of imagination, of beautiful ideas, of glory

And she smiles at me

Like we have a joke only we know

When I am struck with pain

Like an animal looking for its home

I seek her warmth

And her love is like a blanket

I can snuggle deep within

Protected from the world

Sometimes, we are just laughing

She’s shining as brightly as a star

It’s like the kind fun

You only find

As a kid on a playground

When she is hurting

I want to take her pain

Spread it around

So I can see her smile again

She is strong-willed

And I’m grinning

When she leads me by the hand

And shows me the world

Through her eyes

And all I can think sometimes

Is how much I love her

I Was Wondering What Would Happen If

I feel open

Like a canvas ready for paint

No future

No expectations

No obligations

Only action

Or no action

I didn’t pick up the phone

Except for the time

When I really felt like it

When I open my mouth

My words are driven

By the moment

In the freedom

Of saying fuck it

I’ll do what I feel like

I dream at night

For a relaxed afternoon

Sipping tea

And beauty

Both sweet and ordinary

When when I’m done wondering

We pass on

With happy memories

Like the lasting sweetness

Of a candy

Melted in your mouth

These two poems are comparing the feelings I have for two things – the girl who I want to wait for, and the experience of dating around that I want to explore in the meantime. I was trying to reconcile them and understand how they can coexist.

Some thoughts:

I used to think I had to be super upfront about not wanting anything serious when dating. I don’t think so anymore. I will only explain if asked by the girl or if there comes a time where I feel I need to explain it (she is getting too invested). Most girls don’t even care until they develop feelings since they have an abundance of men.
I used to reach out to people even when I didn’t want to (usually because I felt guilt since I knew the girl liked me and I didn’t want to hurt her/lose her). I’m not gonna do that anymore. I’ll basically treat them like guy friends. If there is something I want to say, or do with them, I will reach out. Otherwise, I’ll say nothing, make no effort.
I’m afraid that I will mess up the beautiful connection I have with the girl I am waiting for by dating. I decided to stop pushing down that fear. It is happening for a good reason. As soon as I feel scared, unsafe, or distracted I should just stop dating and refocus on her. I never went into this to replace her and I should keep her as my top priority.
I worry about meeting women so attractive I will forget about the girl I am waiting for. Honestly, this might happen at first, but I think at the end of the day, personality matters much much more to me. I think I would only be distracted by looks because I haven’t dated before. As long as someone is attractive ENOUGH, if I love them, they will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
Overall, I should worry less about hurting women since they aren’t like men (have only one or two women to talk to). They usually have lots of men and could care less if I stopped talking to them. I can still be compassionate without overcompensating (for my fear of being an asshole).

Poetry | Writing

My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard

Byjack December 21, 2022December 21, 2022

My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard

As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams

I was so caught up in listening to his objections

And explaining to him how it would be successful

I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive

I forget to tell it to him in a way

That he wouldn’t respond with judgement

And disgust

As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap

Not the energy

That created the great figures

He admires so much

Poetry | Writing

Stuck Between Two Worlds

Byjack December 2, 2021December 2, 2021

Stuck Between Two Worlds

She told me she got used to it

Being gone

But I don’t ever want her to be used to it

I want her to feel a pain deep in her chest

Like a part of her is missing

When I’m gone

That all she wants

Is to be whole again

I’d do anything to feel that love again

But I realize, that in order to make room for her love

I forgot some of my own

I forget the world where everyone tries to be kind

Where people push themselves to learn and succeed

Where facing your fears is exciting

Where nothing is impossible

And I wonder

If she has anything else to give me

But her love

And when that love is faint

I feel

Bored

It is sometimes a difficult thing to be in love. All you want is to be together all of the time but if you are moving at different speeds it can hurt so much. You worry if you want to move forward, you will be doing it alone. It’s hard to feel like the only way you can be with someone, is if you stay where they are. I think there is hope though. Relationships that aren’t in person will also struggle with connection. But I worry sometimes there is no hope. And that worry fills my heart with fear.

Poetry | Writing

To A New Place

Byjack January 28, 2022January 28, 2022

To a New Place

I’m in a new place

And I feel lost

When I asked her why

She told me

It’s because I am coping with the emotions

By not feeling them

That my old life

Gave me a lot of my needs

And that it will take time

For me to find it again

I asked myself

In the men’s group

What I should do

And the answer

Was to be alone

In nature

And to be ok

With everything

Being a complete

Mess

Poetry | Writing

I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

Byjack December 21, 2022December 21, 2022

I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

I was standing in the morning

And jumped in place

When I heard her come down the stairs

She was going to catch me

Wasting time

She told me to do exercises

But I wanted to focus on my breathing

Stare into space

Feel my thoughts

I had to bring reasons

Like armor

To defend myself against her assault

Wash your clothes

Go outside and exercise

Take a nap

Or the screaming

Rejection comes next

Anger

Chaos

Danger

Like a time bomb

Set off by too many times

I didn’t give a reason to her

That I knew what I was doing

In my room writing this down

I await the assault

And brace myself with a list of explanations

Of why I’m up here

Poetry | Writing

Don’t Show Empathy

Byjack November 30, 2023November 30, 2023

Don’t Show Empathy

He told me

He looked matter a fact

Almost amused

He looked over to my boss

At least that’s what I was told

Because then they will try to negotiate for more

He said

My boss nodded slightly

I asked them how to do this with empathy

And they told me not to

They told me to use words

To make him feel good

As if I valued him

They didn’t know

I’m not scared of this conversation

But I did value him

I don’t need to pretend

But they are asking me to wait until the last minute to tell him

I talked to him today

And he looked at me

And I felt so caged

Unable to meet his eyes

Unable to be honest

They want to wait

To spring it on him all at once

As if this is something that needs to be done

With the fear of retribution in mind

My boss told me that it would be kindness to drag things on

But I didn’t sleep last night

So tired

Wound up tight

Like something is squeezing my heart shut

Like a hydraulic press

I wonder if it is worth

Being in a place

Where I feel this way

Poetry | Writing

To Explore Love

Byjack November 15, 2021December 2, 2021

Who She Is For Me

When I’m with her

I feel I can be so ugly

So weak

So bad

So hurtful

And yet I feel safe

Like I can stop checking

Her face for signs of anger

Stop feeling ashamed, worried

It surprises me how calm I feel

When my mask is off around her

Her acceptance like a balm for my soul

Her love can

Make her helpless

Like the most beautiful creature

So vulnerable

She would endure

Pain if it means my pleasure

I like to explore life

And uncover it’s discoveries

Now I can have someone to share them with

It’s like

She can hear music in my mind

Of imagination, of beautiful ideas, of glory

And she smiles at me

Like we have a joke only we know

When I am struck with pain

Like an animal looking for its home

I seek her warmth

And her love is like a blanket

I can snuggle deep within

Protected from the world

Sometimes, we are just laughing

She’s shining as brightly as a star

It’s like the kind fun

You only find

As a kid on a playground

When she is hurting

I want to take her pain

Spread it around

So I can see her smile again

She is strong-willed

And I’m grinning

When she leads me by the hand

And shows me the world

Through her eyes

And all I can think sometimes

Is how much I love her

I Was Wondering What Would Happen If

I feel open

Like a canvas ready for paint

No future

No expectations

No obligations

Only action

Or no action

I didn’t pick up the phone

Except for the time

When I really felt like it

When I open my mouth

My words are driven

By the moment

In the freedom

Of saying fuck it

I’ll do what I feel like

I dream at night

For a relaxed afternoon

Sipping tea

And beauty

Both sweet and ordinary

When when I’m done wondering

We pass on

With happy memories

Like the lasting sweetness

Of a candy

Melted in your mouth

Some thoughts:

I used to think I had to be super upfront about not wanting anything serious when dating. I don’t think so anymore. I will only explain if asked by the girl or if there comes a time where I feel I need to explain it (she is getting too invested). Most girls don’t even care until they develop feelings since they have an abundance of men.
I used to reach out to people even when I didn’t want to (usually because I felt guilt since I knew the girl liked me and I didn’t want to hurt her/lose her). I’m not gonna do that anymore. I’ll basically treat them like guy friends. If there is something I want to say, or do with them, I will reach out. Otherwise, I’ll say nothing, make no effort.
I’m afraid that I will mess up the beautiful connection I have with the girl I am waiting for by dating. I decided to stop pushing down that fear. It is happening for a good reason. As soon as I feel scared, unsafe, or distracted I should just stop dating and refocus on her. I never went into this to replace her and I should keep her as my top priority.
I worry about meeting women so attractive I will forget about the girl I am waiting for. Honestly, this might happen at first, but I think at the end of the day, personality matters much much more to me. I think I would only be distracted by looks because I haven’t dated before. As long as someone is attractive ENOUGH, if I love them, they will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
Overall, I should worry less about hurting women since they aren’t like men (have only one or two women to talk to). They usually have lots of men and could care less if I stopped talking to them. I can still be compassionate without overcompensating (for my fear of being an asshole).

Poetry | Writing

My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard

Byjack December 21, 2022December 21, 2022

My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard

As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams

I was so caught up in listening to his objections

And explaining to him how it would be successful

I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive

I forget to tell it to him in a way

That he wouldn’t respond with judgement

And disgust

As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap

Not the energy

That created the great figures

He admires so much

Poetry | Writing

Stuck Between Two Worlds

Byjack December 2, 2021December 2, 2021

Stuck Between Two Worlds

She told me she got used to it

Being gone

But I don’t ever want her to be used to it

I want her to feel a pain deep in her chest

Like a part of her is missing

When I’m gone

That all she wants

Is to be whole again

I’d do anything to feel that love again

But I realize, that in order to make room for her love

I forgot some of my own

I forget the world where everyone tries to be kind

Where people push themselves to learn and succeed

Where facing your fears is exciting

Where nothing is impossible

And I wonder

If she has anything else to give me

But her love

And when that love is faint

I feel

Bored

Poetry | Writing

To A New Place

Byjack January 28, 2022January 28, 2022

To a New Place

I’m in a new place

And I feel lost

When I asked her why

She told me

It’s because I am coping with the emotions

By not feeling them

That my old life

Gave me a lot of my needs

And that it will take time

For me to find it again

I asked myself

In the men’s group

What I should do

And the answer

Was to be alone

In nature

And to be ok

With everything

Being a complete

Mess

Poetry | Writing

I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

Byjack December 21, 2022December 21, 2022

I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

I was standing in the morning

And jumped in place

When I heard her come down the stairs

She was going to catch me

Wasting time

She told me to do exercises

But I wanted to focus on my breathing

Stare into space

Feel my thoughts

I had to bring reasons

Like armor

To defend myself against her assault

Wash your clothes

Go outside and exercise

Take a nap

Or the screaming

Rejection comes next

Anger

Chaos

Danger

Like a time bomb

Set off by too many times

I didn’t give a reason to her

That I knew what I was doing

In my room writing this down

I await the assault

And brace myself with a list of explanations

Of why I’m up here

Poetry | Writing

Don’t Show Empathy

Byjack November 30, 2023November 30, 2023

Don’t Show Empathy

He told me

He looked matter a fact

Almost amused

He looked over to my boss

At least that’s what I was told

Because then they will try to negotiate for more

He said

My boss nodded slightly

I asked them how to do this with empathy

And they told me not to

They told me to use words

To make him feel good

As if I valued him

They didn’t know

I’m not scared of this conversation

But I did value him

I don’t need to pretend

But they are asking me to wait until the last minute to tell him

I talked to him today

And he looked at me

And I felt so caged

Unable to meet his eyes

Unable to be honest

They want to wait

To spring it on him all at once

As if this is something that needs to be done

With the fear of retribution in mind

My boss told me that it would be kindness to drag things on

But I didn’t sleep last night

So tired

Wound up tight

Like something is squeezing my heart shut

Like a hydraulic press

I wonder if it is worth

Being in a place

Where I feel this way

Poetry | Writing

To Explore Love

Byjack November 15, 2021December 2, 2021

Who She Is For Me

When I’m with her

I feel I can be so ugly

So weak

So bad

So hurtful

And yet I feel safe

Like I can stop checking

Her face for signs of anger

Stop feeling ashamed, worried

It surprises me how calm I feel

When my mask is off around her

Her acceptance like a balm for my soul

Her love can

Make her helpless

Like the most beautiful creature

So vulnerable

She would endure

Pain if it means my pleasure

I like to explore life

And uncover it’s discoveries

Now I can have someone to share them with

It’s like

She can hear music in my mind

Of imagination, of beautiful ideas, of glory

And she smiles at me

Like we have a joke only we know

When I am struck with pain

Like an animal looking for its home

I seek her warmth

And her love is like a blanket

I can snuggle deep within

Protected from the world

Sometimes, we are just laughing

She’s shining as brightly as a star

It’s like the kind fun

You only find

As a kid on a playground

When she is hurting

I want to take her pain

Spread it around

So I can see her smile again

She is strong-willed

And I’m grinning

When she leads me by the hand

And shows me the world

Through her eyes

And all I can think sometimes

Is how much I love her

I Was Wondering What Would Happen If

I feel open

Like a canvas ready for paint

No future

No expectations

No obligations

Only action

Or no action

I didn’t pick up the phone

Except for the time

When I really felt like it

When I open my mouth

My words are driven

By the moment

In the freedom

Of saying fuck it

I’ll do what I feel like

I dream at night

For a relaxed afternoon

Sipping tea

And beauty

Both sweet and ordinary

When when I’m done wondering

We pass on

With happy memories

Like the lasting sweetness

Of a candy

Melted in your mouth

Some thoughts:

I used to think I had to be super upfront about not wanting anything serious when dating. I don’t think so anymore. I will only explain if asked by the girl or if there comes a time where I feel I need to explain it (she is getting too invested). Most girls don’t even care until they develop feelings since they have an abundance of men.
I used to reach out to people even when I didn’t want to (usually because I felt guilt since I knew the girl liked me and I didn’t want to hurt her/lose her). I’m not gonna do that anymore. I’ll basically treat them like guy friends. If there is something I want to say, or do with them, I will reach out. Otherwise, I’ll say nothing, make no effort.
I’m afraid that I will mess up the beautiful connection I have with the girl I am waiting for by dating. I decided to stop pushing down that fear. It is happening for a good reason. As soon as I feel scared, unsafe, or distracted I should just stop dating and refocus on her. I never went into this to replace her and I should keep her as my top priority.
I worry about meeting women so attractive I will forget about the girl I am waiting for. Honestly, this might happen at first, but I think at the end of the day, personality matters much much more to me. I think I would only be distracted by looks because I haven’t dated before. As long as someone is attractive ENOUGH, if I love them, they will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
Overall, I should worry less about hurting women since they aren’t like men (have only one or two women to talk to). They usually have lots of men and could care less if I stopped talking to them. I can still be compassionate without overcompensating (for my fear of being an asshole).

Poetry | Writing

My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard

Byjack December 21, 2022December 21, 2022

My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard

As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams

I was so caught up in listening to his objections

And explaining to him how it would be successful

I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive

I forget to tell it to him in a way

That he wouldn’t respond with judgement

And disgust

As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap

Not the energy

That created the great figures

He admires so much

Poetry | Writing

Stuck Between Two Worlds

Byjack December 2, 2021December 2, 2021

Stuck Between Two Worlds

She told me she got used to it

Being gone

But I don’t ever want her to be used to it

I want her to feel a pain deep in her chest

Like a part of her is missing

When I’m gone

That all she wants

Is to be whole again

I’d do anything to feel that love again

But I realize, that in order to make room for her love

I forgot some of my own

I forget the world where everyone tries to be kind

Where people push themselves to learn and succeed

Where facing your fears is exciting

Where nothing is impossible

And I wonder

If she has anything else to give me

But her love

And when that love is faint

I feel

Bored

Poetry | Writing

To A New Place

Byjack January 28, 2022January 28, 2022

To a New Place

I’m in a new place

And I feel lost

When I asked her why

She told me

It’s because I am coping with the emotions

By not feeling them

That my old life

Gave me a lot of my needs

And that it will take time

For me to find it again

I asked myself

In the men’s group

What I should do

And the answer

Was to be alone

In nature

And to be ok

With everything

Being a complete

Mess

What Makes Me Cry

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