Protected: Workpost 51: First Proposal

I’m really struggling to process some feelings right now.

1. I am working through the stressful emotions that come up when I see an attractive girl
2. I am working through overwhelmed and frustrated emotions with my current project for my AI consulting
3. I am working through fear and stress I feel working on my pipelines
4. I am working through feeling of fear and anxiety around money

Let’s work through them one by one.

Attractive girl

Guilt, shame, deep desire

Center of my chest, painful clenching

Stomach clenching

I am bad

I am defective

I am ugly

I am guilty

I am rejected

I won’t ever find beauty or be happy

What if the perfect one is out there

It’s not about the perfect person who meets all your needs. It’s the relationship that meets all of your needs.

Why do I place all my hopes and dreams on a person? Because I want to be happy and I’ve only felt that in shallow relationships. I like meeting people. I like the feeling of possibility in life of variety.

Can I meet those needs in a relationship? Can I find novelty and excitement in a relationship?

Why is desire such an important need for adventures for me? Just because I’m in a relationship, doesn’t mean I can’t be attractive. But I want to find someone attractive, then for them and me to do the little romantic dance. I worry when I’m in a relationship, that’s not possible anymore.

I think honestly the fear comes from lack of needs being met in the relationship. Specifically around safety, social needs, chemistry, and inspiration. I feel if I felt if I felt safe to talk openly about people that are attractive and my partner is secure enough in herself, I felt my social needs are met, I felt strong chemistry, and inspired I would not find others attractive.

I want to switch my mindset over from comparing and wanting to meet my needs via others, and focus more on the relationship. Looking elsewhere is giving up on the relationship and if I really want to look elsewhere, I want to first end the relationship.

I don’t want to neglect my needs anymore.

I want to first meet my needs myself, then in the relationship:

1. Safety – self acceptance and kindness
2. Social needs – be in touch with moment, who people really are
3. Chemistry – spending more time on self care, self massage
4. Inspiration – reminding myself of the greatness I am capable of, of the change I can create

For the relationship, I want to continue working through needs course.

I feel fear in my chest when I think about my relationship. I feel uncertainty.

No matter what happens I will find peace and happiness because of the way I engage with the world.

My little emotional processing toolkit for meeting my needs:

1. Radical acceptance, hold myself, be curious, somatic
2. Self love, massage
3. Be in the moment, see things how they are

Chemistry

The indescribable feeling

Like the beauty of the red in the roses

Unfurled

Cutting in the corners, filling then in

This feeling of a world around you

That you carry everywhere you go

Our worlds meet

The openness to connect with me

Ok, this raises so many questions it is time to move along

Project Frustration

I feel lost, overwhelmed, and misunderstood.

What if I fail? What if its all for nothing? I don’t know what to do. It feels like so much work.

I don’t know what to do to be effective. I feel the time is running out so fast.

I need to focus on the end goal. Ignore everything else, its just a bonus.

To-do list

1. Decide on clear file structure for AI gaming
   • Github
   • Jupyter notebooks
   • Python code
   • Project documents
2. Designate a coding notebook
3. Think about alternative coding spots or ways to optimize effectiveness at home
4. Connect tablet with laptop and phone
5. Decide a clear structure for both branding sketches and other sketches
6. Designate sketching notebook

Results

1. Decided to start with Google Collab and branch out from there
2. There aren’t any really good coding notebooks, will buy a new one eventually will use bad one for now
3. Not sure
4. Done
5. Done
6. Done

“This is gonna be harsh, but you aren’t a model”

“If you’re deadset on using yourself”

“I think you’re not adding very much by being in there”

“You seem robotic”

Anger, frustration, feeling misunderstood, feeling hurt.

I feel pain and cracks in my heart like cracked glass.

I don’t think my looks matter on an ad. I don’t even think being robotic matters. I think the message is what matters the most. Also, I feel I’m plenty relaxed and attractive for the ad to work.

Processing the emotions I feel that maybe different people value looks and appearance on different levels. I value the message because I know that definitely works. Others might value looks and performance more. Some people also might be turned off by my demeanor or my appearance, but that has more to do with them than me.

I also feel the difficulty processing how I feel about myself on camera.

I don’t feel the camera captures me in the best light. I see a lot of flaws.

I feel a clenching in my heart, neck, and stomach.

I feel too skinny and small, my face too pudgy and soft looking, my nose not enough definition.

Processing it further, I understand that I’m not done growing, everyday I can work to become healthier, stronger, and more attractive. Also, I accept the way I look in the camera like I accept my art. Instead of thinking of how other people look, I want to let myself look the way I want to look. Like letting the art be what it wants to be. There is something charming and right about how I look exactly as I am, imperfect me.

I want to live a full life, and worrying about how I look on camera is not what I want. I want to spend my time and energy building my business and I KNOW I can do that with videos of myself.

The next thing I want to process is how unproductive and lethargic I feel in my apartment. I don’t even want to get out of the apartment to work.

The first thing I noticed is that the apartment is a bit hot and the oxygen feels much thinner in here. I turned up the AC, put my standing desk up to standing and drank some cold water.

There is also an emotional part of this. I feel safe here. The outside world feels unsafe with unsafe people and lots of unsafe places.

It feels like a light buzzing numbing fear in my chest and stomach.

I feel like a good cleaning of the apartment can help.

Tidying and clearing out the mental baggage.

A great thing that standing desks allow for is pacing and I’m going to take advantage of that.

It’s interesting. Being at the standing desk feels the same way as leaving the apartment feels. Less cozy and comfy. More open, free, unknown, and some low level buzz of anxiety.

It almost feels like morning vs night where night is full of comfort and imagination and mornings feel more energetic and open but devoid of magic.

It almost feels like emptiness. When emotionally processing that, I feel from space comes peace, comes inspiration.

After spending more time emotionally processing this, I have a couple idea of what I can use to reframe going outside, leaving, standing at my desk and going to the gym from empty to more meaningful:

1. My coaching mindset:
   • You’re in my house
   • Take risks
   • Be comfortable in silence
   • Take your time
2. Make the impossible possible
3. Taoist productivity
   • Focus on one thing only
   • Do it until you feel empty

One more thing today, I was confused on how to work with my blog and my to do list together as they sort of fill in the same needs. They both help me get structure and work through issues.

What I decided is that I’m going to use my to do list as a mental dump and use it to organize my thoughts. If any part of those parts, I want to work through in a workspace, I will combine the necessary elements together, cross them all out and transfer to my blog to work out.

I now have 3 forms of organization:

1. To do list – braindump and prioritization tool
2. Blog – workspace
3. Calendar – time planning tool, reminder for future tasks

Overlapping areas:

1. Takeaways from prioritization or working out prioritization can be a overlap of blog and to do list
2. Long terms tasks can be overlap from calendar and to do list
3. Calendar event and work can be overlap between blog and calendar
4. Large tasks can be overlap from to do list and blog

Current thoughts about order of operations:

1. Journaling in blog
2. To do list forming and prioritizaiton
3. Long tasks added to calendar
4. Add more to journal if needed
5. Follow to do list, clumping and converting to blog as needed