Recently I’ve been feeling immense pressure with the sensation that I’m somehow running out of time.
I feel a lot of frustration and anger in my chest.
I feel like I have no time anymore to work on the projects, and making progress in my own WordPress. I feel burning rage and frustration in my chest and stomach.
It might be the I am out of control wound.
I’m really angry at myself for procrastinating and not being able to get anything done.
Today I did come up with a really cool idea for an AI benchmark for:
Creative writing
Problem solving
Research
Contracts
I also feel overwhelmed. I feel like there is so much work to do, I don’t know where to start. I am overwhelmed. I am not able to deal with it.
I have a lot of projects I’m working on and it is scary to feel that I don’t know how to handle that.
I feel pressure because there are all difficult challenges that are important to me.
I failed big at succeeding in them…I’m so proud of myself!
This is a good thing. To fail big is to learn big.
The lessons are slowly being revealed.
The first question is…what did I need when I was in the overwhelmed state?
Well, I needed to feel the feelings, to be ok with just processing first.
After feeling the feelings to the fullest, what I need next is to find the courage in myself to face the challenge. To remember that I’m capable of anything.
And after feeling embracing the challenge, thinking tactically how I want to face it, and specifically, what small steps I want to take.
I want to take everything that I know as a small task and add it to my todolist. We will start there.
I wonder if I have prediabetes since I do not feel well after eating sugar. I feel a bit numb and my stomach doesn’t feel good. I feel it in my kidneys as well.
I really want to tackle my bloating and take it seriously. I was able to find way to tackle my knee issues, I should be able to tackle them too. My first thought is just to massage right below the belly button softly but for a long time, it tends to work and is very gentle.
I want to refocus on my businesses, maybe create some challenges around them now that I’m excited and motivated to work on them again.
I want to do what I set out in the last workpost, cleaning out my to-do list as cleanly as possible.
Ok here are some of the symptoms of prediabetes:
Increased thirst – yes at night
Frequent urination – nope
Increased hunger – nope
Fatigue – not really more than usual
Blurred vision – nope
Numbness or tingling in the hands or feet – nope, more on the back
Unexplained weight loss – nope
Dark spots on the skin – nope
Skin tags – nope
Slow healing of cuts and wounds – nope
So I probably don’t have prediabetes, just don’t respond well to glucose spikes or processed sugars.
In terms of bloating, I want to keep it simple, just doing very light circles right below my belly button really is causing me to feel like my gas is leaving. I want to make it a habit to do that when I’m feeling bloated.
Also, when I feel stressed, I want to focus on breathing. I want to charge my watch more often and use it to check my stress levels.
I’ll leave my business planning to dedicated blog posts, but overall, my next step is to improve my working tools and setup.
I was just on the border of a panic attack when I went to go exercise.
My Head Hurts
Eyes are swimming in a pain in the back of my head
Heart beating like its a race
And no matter how fast it beats
It isn’t fast enough
To catch up
With the work I want to do
After hanging for a little bit, I decided something. I need to go back to basics. As the level of work, my ambition, my organization go up…so have my stress levels. It is beginning hard to relax, hard to feel in the moment. It feels like I’m in an endless race with no chance to catch my breath.
So here are the basics:
The planning I’m doing in these blog posts give me a huge edge in terms of direction and thought process in a huge number of goals at the same time. However, I now need to do the opposite. The basic I have in mind is this – focus on one thing at a time. Make a todo list. Create prioritization. Make it emotionally make sense (choose what emotionally feels important to focus on first, not logically). Clear all distractions and focus on one thing.
Use the taoist approach to achieve fulfillment. Work until you feel empty.
Use the coaching mindset…let the world come to you, have patience.
I also realized I did not work on the product research goal.
So here it is:
Goal: Create free products in 1 month | UNIT ONE: Complete research | Part 1 Transcribe and think, what is the million dollar problem or breakthrough?
I feel exhausted. My head feels numb. I feel hot and tired. My back aches.
My heart feels heavy. I feel angry at myself. So helpless. My mind in a fog.
My apartment is a mess. I just want to cry.
I can’t work. I just play games all day long. my eyes feel tired.
It’s 2 o’clock in the morning. All I want to do is eat and play video games. The pull is so strong in my heart like there is a strand of honey getting pulled.
I feel a numb panic deep in my chest. I’m afraid of failure. I’m scared I will disappoint myself and everyone around me. Pushing myself to make my business cards is only making me curl up even harder.
It was a long week. I’m exhausted. But the work just keeps coming.
I guess I can cancel tai chi tomorrow. Sleep in.
Tonight I can clean my apartment until I feel more peaceful.
I know I can use the gym as a way to process emotions, but I don’t use it.
I feel this pull, this overwhelm, like the honey being pulled, from my heart.
I’m capable of anything. Even rising from this challenge. This is important because as I get more successful, there will be days I feel exhausted, and in those moments, I need to find a way to find balance, to find peace.
I also want to learn to embrace failure. Failure is so scary to me. There is an image in my mind of my business cards being a complete disappointment and I feel a pit in my heart. A horrible amaturish website I’m not proud of and I can’t fix it.
Everyone starts somewhere. Everyone starts at the beginning. The people who are exceptional, who are savants are not people who started at the middle. They are people who enjoyed the beginning.
But how can I enjoy this? I feel so scared it won’t be good.
Makes me think of this video:
In this video, Jesse talks about how play allows us to feel pressure while still being able to learn.
That fun is the key to this.
But what is the key to fun? What would make this fun for me, regardless of the outcome, what would make designing and drawing fun for me?
What would make it an infinite game, not just a finite game focused on an end goal?
It’s true, the thought of designing business cards does not sound fun to me at all. It sounds like a slog. But maybe that’s because I’m worried about failing.
Ok, what if I tried to merge my painterly style with “woodcut” style prints. What if I created a new drawing technique that I could use to create cool stuff for friends and to sell as products?
That definitely sounds more like play to me.
So what about going to the gym, because I like it so much when I actually go, but I find it hard to go to begin with.
What if I saw it as supercharging myself – which it really is doing. Whether I go to lift weights or just to hang from the bar and stretch it really is building my body up to full potential. It might even solve my sleep problems.
And what about sleep, why do I not want to go to bed? Because if I go to bed, tomorrow, I wake up with tons of problems. Well maybe, that’s not a bad thing. Maybe before I go to bed, I fill my to do list with questions that I want to search out the answers to.
Here are the questions I have today, that if I knew the answers to I would rest easy:
What am I going to do about my art coaching and AI gaming companies?
Am I behind schedule and if so what do I do about it?
Should I extend the schedule?
Am I losing money?
How do I get out of my procrastination phase and get working?
What do I do about my art coaching website?
How do I get everything done in such a short period of time?
Should I start registering for fairs?
Should I pay someone to design the website for me?
How am I going to get the motivation to start drawing? How do I start drawing consistently?
How do I start going to the gym and working outsite the apartment consistently?
How will I start cooking again and cleaning up my apartment? Where will I find the time?
How will I prepare for the next week of work? How do I balance my other businesses?
When will I continue to work on my Javascript projects? What is the breakdown between AI work time and coaching work time.
I feel very tired at the moment, but I’m glad that I’m taking a step back and returning to my fundamentals.
What was the purpose of “Workposts” to begin with? It was a chance to practice being in the higher energies that I tap into with my coaching and plan out my days with it:
You’re in my house
Have patience
Be ok with silence
Take big risks
Today I am feeling into going fast and slow with two main projects.
First project, I want to move fast, with some long stretches of work, which is my YouTube video that I intend on shooting today. Here is the general structure of the video I’m pondering over:
“Shorts shorts short shorts shorts” while holding up different shorts and smiling at the last one with a YT shorts logo
“Ok so today, I’m taking these three viral Youtube Shorts and creating my take on them. My name is Jack and you’re watching episode 12 of the Youtube Challenge.”
“Welcome back to the Youtube Challenge, the challenge where I work through my emotional blocks to find out how to make the Content Creation process fun for myself by posting a new video every single day.”
“A quick update from yesterday, I was feeling very sad and depressed about my progress thus far on YouTube, and today I’m doing a little better. I noticed that in the process of shooting a video every single day, I’ve neglected the rest of my health and my day job and today I returned to the routines and systems that work for me. Like journaling in the morning and planning out my day.”
“One big epiphany I has was that every time I reach for my phone for distraction, I am feeling some intense physical discomfort and that I could feel much better by not picking up the phone but instead physically self soothing myself with stuff like rocking.”
“Well anyway, this video is about the shorts, so lets get into the shorts”
Viral short 1
React to short
Broll of editing my take
Viral short 2
React to short
Broll of editing my take
Viral short 3
React to short
Broll of editing my take
“That’s it for today, make sure you like comment and subscribe, peace”
The second project is going to be a slow thing that I chip away at throughout the entire day. Slow and steady wins the race right? This project has to do with a client I have, and I want to get them to an overall perfect state with at least no complaints for a while.
Let’s create a DOD:
Project: Undisclosed Client
Facts:
This project should improve product accuracy and usefulness The deliverables I expect to see are new feature successfully deployed with a 60%+ first try success rate This must be completed by today
Feelings:
When this is done, I will feel in control and confident about the product and customer relationship
Future:
When this is done, I will be able to focus fully on marketing efforts
I’m really struggling to process some feelings right now.
I am working through the stressful emotions that come up when I see an attractive girl
I am working through overwhelmed and frustrated emotions with my current project for my AI consulting
I am working through fear and stress I feel working on my pipelines
I am working through feeling of fear and anxiety around money
Let’s work through them one by one.
Attractive girl
Guilt, shame, deep desire
Center of my chest, painful clenching
Stomach clenching
I am bad
I am defective
I am ugly
I am guilty
I am rejected
I won’t ever find beauty or be happy
What if the perfect one is out there
It’s not about the perfect person who meets all your needs. It’s the relationship that meets all of your needs.
Why do I place all my hopes and dreams on a person? Because I want to be happy and I’ve only felt that in shallow relationships. I like meeting people. I like the feeling of possibility in life of variety.
Can I meet those needs in a relationship? Can I find novelty and excitement in a relationship?
Why is desire such an important need for adventures for me? Just because I’m in a relationship, doesn’t mean I can’t be attractive. But I want to find someone attractive, then for them and me to do the little romantic dance. I worry when I’m in a relationship, that’s not possible anymore.
I think honestly the fear comes from lack of needs being met in the relationship. Specifically around safety, social needs, chemistry, and inspiration. I feel if I felt if I felt safe to talk openly about people that are attractive and my partner is secure enough in herself, I felt my social needs are met, I felt strong chemistry, and inspired I would not find others attractive.
I want to switch my mindset over from comparing and wanting to meet my needs via others, and focus more on the relationship. Looking elsewhere is giving up on the relationship and if I really want to look elsewhere, I want to first end the relationship.
I don’t want to neglect my needs anymore.
I want to first meet my needs myself, then in the relationship:
Safety – self acceptance and kindness
Social needs – be in touch with moment, who people really are
Chemistry – spending more time on self care, self massage
Inspiration – reminding myself of the greatness I am capable of, of the change I can create
For the relationship, I want to continue working through needs course.
I feel fear in my chest when I think about my relationship. I feel uncertainty.
No matter what happens I will find peace and happiness because of the way I engage with the world.
My little emotional processing toolkit for meeting my needs:
Radical acceptance, hold myself, be curious, somatic
Self love, massage
Be in the moment, see things how they are
Chemistry
The indescribable feeling
Like the beauty of the red in the roses
Unfurled
Cutting in the corners, filling then in
This feeling of a world around you
That you carry everywhere you go
Our worlds meet
The openness to connect with me
Ok, this raises so many questions it is time to move along
Project Frustration
I feel lost, overwhelmed, and misunderstood.
What if I fail? What if its all for nothing? I don’t know what to do. It feels like so much work.
I don’t know what to do to be effective. I feel the time is running out so fast.
I need to focus on the end goal. Ignore everything else, its just a bonus.
Today I feel a bit scattered between cooking and working on multiple things at the same time. I feel the need to create some order or at least some vision for today.