My girlfriend is leaving soon and I want to focus on her and the relationship.
I have a pretty good work system set up, but I’m not sure how to balance work with time with her.
I think the answer is just to wake up early, plan out my day and do as much breakdown as I can, then work while she is next to me in the couch reading, and if not just work during the morning.
My Way
Anger in my heart
Ripping tearing
Destroy all the people
Who don’t understand me
Who want to tell me what to do
What I’m worth
I hate them all
With every fiber of my being
If I could burn their existence and wipe them from the planet I would
I’m so tired of fighting
I’m so tired of having to rely on others to do what I want to do
I’m so tired
I feel hopeless sometimes
Like there is no way out of this horrid existence
Where I am trapped
I breathed and breathed
And in the breath
I remembered
That I don’t need to let anyone control me
Only one person can live my life
No one else can touch me
They can’t hurt me and they can’t control me
I can do things my way
I did a little IFS therapy on myself and here are the parts that came up:
I reminded Black Hatred that I am 31 years old and he no longer needs to protect me since no one has any hold over me anymore. I can do whatever I want to do. I promised him that I will remain true to myself.
I reminded Mind Reader that I am 31 and I am fully capable with dealing with failure, and that at my age, failure helps keep the boredom away. I promised him that I will take care of myself and give myself time, space, comfort, and support.
Today I feel tired. My kidneys ache. They feel bloated and stagnated. My stomach feels slow. My head iches on the top. My eyes are dry. I feel burning inflammation up my back and spine. My skin is flaking on my face.
These past few days have felt exhausting, extremely stressful, and demoralizing. Last night, I asked myself the question, how do I get out of this.
I didn’t know the answer then, but my answer today during my walk was to take my stress seriously.
And just now, I had a realization that I have the systems developed to do extraordinary things. I just need to utilize them and follow their principals.
Systems in place:
I have absolutely everything I need to build a life where I can do almost anything I want, achieve anything I want.
Right now, I want to focus on two things: recovery and priming
Priming are stuff like cleaning, wiping off my whiteboards, clearing out tabs, filling markers, mealprep, todo list grooming
Recovery means lots of sleep, rest, hydration, and exercise. Specifically paying attention to anytime I want to game to see if I feel stressed or uncomfortable, taking a break when that happens.
To top off this post, I want to attach something that I want to erase from my whiteboard, but want to save forever:
Reasons Why I’m Ready
I feel like I’m stagnating in all areas of life.
I feel frustration as aching in my chest cavity and stomach.
I am helpless wound coming up. I am overwhelmed. I feel hopeless. I feel undermotivated. I am lost.
I am tired.
I discovered some things yesterday. I realized that I was obsessed about getting the brand and vision correct, but my goals for my consulting project are actually much more simple:
The brand and vision just serve as a tactical basis for getting the funnel right because having no vision leads to pretty shitty, unclear websites and ads and makes decision making much harder than it needs to be.
Another thing I recognize is that mission, vision, and values are all things that need to evolve and change as what I want becomes clearer and clearer.
My mind feels wild
Like a disordered pair of weeds
Blowing in the wind
They seek home
Somewhere to rest their aching knots
And yet
I cannot find any purchase
The loose threads of my mind struggle
To connect into anything cohesive
Today I was feeling confused about a question:
Why do I no longer feel any motivation to do coaching? Is it because I’m scared to propose a $20,000 product? Am I scared to start a community?
And so I went for a walk. On my walk, I determined that it was because I desire to focus more than anything. Currently, I am focusing on posting for 50 days on LinkedIn and it’s taking a lot of energy. I need to be able to have fewer things on my plate.
However, when I sat down to write this journal. I realized that I’ve lost my way in these posts. I no longer do the hard work to grow and articulate how I am feeling. When I did, my poem revealed to me that I feel extremely lost and scattered in my mind. I’ve forgotten the helpful intentions I use to set myself into the mode of preparing my day:
When I immerse myself in these intentions, I feel the distinct taste of possibility coming back to me and my world is opened wide enough to do the planning that I want to do in these posts.
Today I want to continue the work of yesterday and I want to focus on three things:
Need to shoot a gaming video today
Today I feel tired. Coming off of a early morning and a workout, watching a lot of Valorant, I’m in a position where I still feel a bit tired. I’m excited to update my blog, but I’m not so sure about the marketing call.
I really hope to make money off of my passion and find success in the AI space finally and I hope today’s session will help with that.
I feel strongly that I want to preserve boundaries with this coach because I feel he doesn’t respect boundaries for some reason.
I feel nervous and uncomfortable with the call. For some reason I feel he has a bit of a temper and is not good at listening.
But I can protect myself, I am his client and I have a bit of a temper too if it comes down to it.
I’ll take my time and be as clear and direct as possible with him.
My main issue is that I feel uncomfortable disagreeing with him. I feel unsafe. When processing it, I decided to be very clear about what he is saying and then say my views/opinions.
I’m having trouble getting work done today. I’m going to focus on the taoist productivity – work until I feel empty. Also, I want to leave the apartment to feel more productive.