I’ve been thinking more about rejection and working through some of my thoughts with it.
I want people to validate me to feel confident being myself. But validation and confidence are completely different.
Confidence is all about being ok with not getting other’s approval and validation, being ok with not being the strongest, the smartest, the most attractive. I want to find a way to let go of seeking approval from everyone. That is seriously holding me back.
The first thing I realized is that I need to be clear about what I value outside of approval.
I love solving difficult problems. I love learning, growing, and improving myself. I love creating. I love meeting new people and connecting with those people on a deep level. I love consuming art and music, writing and dance.
Being rejected doesn’t stop me from pursuing those things. In fact, people who reject me might realize my path is one they admire and want to follow.
The second thing I realized is that I can use rejection as motivation. It’s just a challenge to my ego. It makes me stronger.
I don’t want anything handed to me. The hero has the slay the dragon. I want to be the underdog, and I strive for greatness.
Results from day 3 while tired and a little stressed.
Match 1
Reflections:
My mind is kind of sluggish, but this way of working where I’m warming up, then taking breaks to walk is genuinely very relaxing. I don’t feel tired at all from the work.
Result Calculation:
How much do I think this work is worth? I feel this work was worth less maybe $100. I feel like there were some programmer heavy tasks in here but not a huge amount was accomplished.
How difficult intellectually was this work from 1-10? I’d say this work was middling difficulty. Maybe around a 4. It was deceptively simple in the sense that it’s very basic information added, but takes a bit of thinking.
What percentile do I place this work in terms of innovation? 5%. Not very innovative, business as usual.
Gains in communication and charisma? Fair gains in communication and charisma, it is amazing to be able to show some of the information that I exposed in the data.
Match 2
Reflections:
I tried to do some chess as a mental warmup, but I feel like it left me drained, perhaps next time as a mental warmup, I can try playing chess for creativity not for the win
Overall I felt my energy draining in this match. I felt pretty tired.
I did some extra work after the match and I feel pretty tired. I felt I needed to squeeze that extra bit out.
Result Calculation:
How much do I think this work is worth? $120. It was pretty not special, some of the work I did programmatically could have been done by someone very cheap, but overall I ran tests that required a lot of deep level troubleshooting that is not easy.
How difficult intellectually was this work from 1-10? 6-7. It was debugging which can be extremely difficult, especially for someone who doesn’t know my code.
What percentile do I place this work in terms of innovation? 5% I don’t know if anything got innovated here.
Gains in communication and charisma? Good gains, gets me much closer to the final goal of presenting results.
Match 3
Reflections:
Focused a lot on thinking smart not hard
I noticed that taking a break is important, staying on the train of thought only makes you want to choose the easiest path, not the most intelligent
Changed work time to 15 minutes
Still need to let go of going fast in the warmup
Like to dance on the breaks
Result Calculation:
How much do I think this work is worth? $150. I was able to output results which is worth a ton, but to just hire someone to do this step, it’s probably less money. There was a lot of data and data manipulation involved as well as some troubleshooting.
How difficult intellectually was this work from 1-10? The output file is quite complex. I give it a 7 in intellectual difficulty. Not achievable by people of lower intelligence, but easy for people of high intelligence.
What percentile do I place this work in terms of innovation? 10% Not much was innovative, the data is quite interesting though.
Gains in communication and charisma? I laid the groundwork for much better result communication, I think it was great.
There was a big journey I went down in terms of working on myself, becoming more mature and being able to live a free and meaningful life.
I started by thinking that you needed to meet your own needs
Then I thought you needed to be good at asking for your needs
And finally, I thought you needed to process traumas and emotions
But I realized that they are all part of the same things and have different parts to play.
In a way, everything is about not abandoning yourself and taking care of yourself. You surround yourself with people who you can talk about what is on your mind truthfully and emotionally. They help you understand what you need. You are able to then give yourself what you need and walk down further along the path of understanding different parts of yourself that are in pain.
From processing emotions, we can truly love ourselves, and the people around us, and be present in the moment.
There is a sense that being with people who don’t accept us, don’t allow us to feel safe speaking our truth is self abandoment. In a way, even if someone meets some of our needs (for example is attractive enough to make us feel special), if we settle for someone who doesn’t love us or allow us to be ourselves, we are putting ourselves down.
Not allowing ourselves to meet our own needs (for example, asking for validation from others because we refuse to give it to ourselves) is self abandonment.
Refusing to look deeper, and shielding parts of ourselves from the world (for example, keeping a confident outward appearance when we feel anxious) is abandoning parts of ourselves and placing the outside world’s comfort above our own.
I feel a lot of frustration and anger about not seeing any results with my ads.
I feel anger because:
I worked so hard and intelligently compared to so many people, yet I didn’t really get any sort of results, not even site clicks
I don’t understand why this is happening. I get it if people come to the website and don’t convert. I don’t get it that no one even goes to the website?
I feel extremely angry that my client will take it as further evidence that they are correct (“you just need to be viral” “its not words and images that will get you there” “no one cares about your values” “people wont buy even if its free”)
I think the reasons why it’s failing is because the offer or the video is not good in some way. There must be something wrong with it.
Maybe its possible that the audience settings are not perfect either.
The reality is that my client has no idea what is going on and just wants us to succeed.
He knows that I’ve been working super hard at this project and I’m sure he appreciates it.
He has certain biases that he wants to enact, but those will have to wait until after my period.
My intuition tells me that three things will unlock the money making potential that my abilities have.
Focus. I need to be ok with saying no to more things, focusing on one thing at a time. Lack of focus is creating overwhelm, which in turn costs me my productivity.
Fear of rejection. My fear of rejection holds me back from doing things that would instantly make me more money.
Youtube and content creation. This is a communication/art skill that has tremendously high leverage if I can figure it out.
Currently, I don’t have much time every day because I go for a run everyday and I am working on my vision and taking care of my health. That means I have perhaps 3 or 4 hours of good working time.
I originally was thinking about giving up or changing this practice I have so I’m less tired and can work more, but I’m actually gonna practice something different, which is saying no to more things.
Goals: I really want to feel less shitty and tired and I want to come up with a direction for my podcast edit and how I can edit it in 40 minutes or less.
Here are the metrics for scoring:
Energy rejuvenation (1-5)
Confidence in solution (1-5)
Creativity (percentile)
Raw efficiency, work over energy (percentile)
My plan for my warmup is just for go for a long 15 minute walk.
Plan for work session:
UNIT ONE: Analyze video (10 min)
Might want to create a good intro
who are you and what have you done
What would help her as a writer?
Creative process from start to end
Talking about book in a way people want to read it or get greater insight
Greatest struggles as a writer
What like to write about
What do other people probably want to know about a writer?
Where come up with ideas
Interesting passages from book
UNIT TWO: Process/look at other ideas (10 min)
Going all in on Judy Blume masterclass video:
As soon as you tell me I can’t do something, I’m going to do it.
I hope that in sharing with you what I’ve learned over 50 years of writing that it will help you find your way as a writer.
As a 12-year-old, I was obsessed by the idea of growing breasts and getting my period. But there was no place that I could read about it. When I started to write, I was determined to be honest. So I’m going to share with you the practical side of writing.
There’s nothing more important than character. You’re living with these people for years. You had better feel for them. Do some exercises. Have your character write a letter to you. The first draft is pure torture for me. I hate every second of it. I have a messy mind, and my writing is a process of cleaning up the mess, then slowly making a story. I will be able to show that to you.
I got a particularly nasty review once. It got to me, and I took my typewriter, and I held it over this arroyo. And I was going to throw it in. I thought I cannot do this anymore. And then this little voice went off in my head. Wait, you’re going to let this one review stop you from writing? That’s crazy! That’s one opinion. I enjoy finding and supporting new writers, and this is a chance for me to reach more of you.
I always ask myself, why would anyone write if they didn’t have to? I mean it’s so hard. So this is for all of you who feel that you have to.
I’m Judy Blume, and this is my Master Class.
Something really special about Danuta and unique about her personality, show don’t tell.
*Beeroll on books and images from life, maybe emotional points of interview
Some sort of intro to talk about what this is about (maybe introduction)
Something about how she gets started with creative process, or something about art or creativity.
Walk through the step by step creative process
*Images or animation if possible
Talk about a challenging emotional experience
Resolution if possible
Deeper philosophical point
End
UNIT THREE: Create plan for actual editing (currently thinking one short, one long) (10 min)
UNIT ONE: Gathering clips
UNIT TWO: Gathering broll
UNIT THREE: Compositing
Bonus time: shot list
Something really special about Danuta and unique about her personality, show don’t tell. Should be humorous and controversial.
Beeroll on books and images from life, maybe emotional points of interview
To kill the other
Some sort of intro to talk about what this is about (maybe introduction)
Something about how she gets started with creative process, or something about art or creativity.
Walk through the step by step creative process
Images of process
Talk about a challenging emotional experience with resolution if possible
Deeper philosophical point
Some sort of ending
Bonus time: animation thoughts
Trying out pencil 2d!
Postmatch Review:
Overall, this was very fun and rejuvenated my love for editing and video.
Energy rejuvenation – 4 I don’t feel 100% but my energy went up TONS since I started working
Confidence in solution – 2 I feel the plan is really solid but the timing seems a little tight to get all of this done
Creativity – 70th percentile, pretty good, not revolutionary. But I don’t think most people could do this.
Raw efficiency, work over energy – 80th percentile, I think most sessions and people can’t be this productive in 40 minutes that was actually insane.
Match 2: Video Editing
Goals: I want to be excited about this video edit, feel satisfied, while boosting my confidence in pushing out videos faster with less effort
Here are the metrics for scoring:
Excitement in the edit (1-5)
Satisfaction in the edit (1-5)
Efficiency (percentile)
Fun (1-5)
How ME it is (percentile)
My plan for my warmup is to hype myself up – play music, tell friends etc. + motivation.
Clean, write on my board.
UNIT ONE: Gathering clips (10 minutes)
Something really special about Danuta and unique about her personality, show don’t tell. Should be humorous and controversial.
Beeroll on books and images from life, maybe emotional points of interview
To kill the other
Some sort of intro to talk about what this is about (maybe introduction)
Something about how she gets started with creative process, or something about art or creativity.
Walk through the step by step creative process
Images of process
Talk about a challenging emotional experience with resolution if possible
Deeper philosophical point
Some sort of ending
UNIT TWO: Gathering broll
UNIT THREE: Compositing
Postmatch Review:
Excitement in the edit – 2 I’m not that thrilled about the cut so far
Satisfaction in the edit -1 I’m not all that satisfied in the edit
Efficiency (percentile) – 60% I’m better than average but a bit slow compared to experienced video editors
Fun (1-5) – 3 I had quite a lot of fun
How ME it is (percentile) – 15% not a lot of me in it so far
Match 3: Video Editing + MEified
Goals: I was right that the last match did not finish the process of editing. It was just too much. But I did make REALLY good progress. The only problem is, it’s not ME enough. This last challenge, I want to get the edit done, and I want to inject some Jack magic into it.
Metrics for scoring:
How ME is it (percentile)
Completeness & polish (percentile)
For my warmup, I’m going to watch a bunch of my videos.
Ok the warmup didn’t work, I’m gonna play some nice music and meditate. Me is goofy, profound, soft, and emotional.
UNIT ONE: Compostiting
UNIT TWO: MEify
UNIT THREE: Finalize
Postmatch Review: It ended up taking two hours. I’m tired now!
How ME is it – 65% it does feel real, and grounded but not as me as I could make it
Completeness & polish – 65% its actually not bad at all, could use some broll and animation