Our words to each other
Are poor feeble tools
Unwieldy, inefficient, inaccurate
Yet they built something
We fumbled yes
It’s part of our practice
And make me feel hope
That when we meet
We find ourselves
In a place where all else disappears
Except the two of us
Our minds
Our emotions
Mixing
Like water in a bowl
A place where words dissolve
Like mints
Into their true feelings
And our minds as one
Find a place
Outside space and time
Today I want to write a short post because I want to strike a better balance today between work and indulgence, between freedom and routine.
Yesterday I did have fun, but my need for productivity left me feeling stressed because I didn’t get much done. At the same time, I want to fully enjoy what I did yesterday which was play and watch a lot of Valorant.
If I’m able to do that, go outside and be more active, as well as go to sleep at a good nice, I’ll be pretty happy.
Right now, I feel like shit cuz I went to bed at 1am but that’s ok…I needed to unwind a bit!
So this is going to be a short post because I’m gonna get started with work right away. I want to get enough work done, that I can start trying out this working while walking outside and going to the gym and working on art.
I did this yesterday for a very little time and it was absolutely awesome. I drove to go get food and while I was walking I was asking chatgpt about a coding problem I had and thinking about it.
It felt really good. Productive, free, and fun! Now I need to take that code, implement it, make it work so I can be active again and solve the next piece of the puzzle.
Ok, I decided something weird that I’m not sure is going to work yet.
I decided that I’m going to keep this challenge going on forever and we will have different objective driving it constantly. It will be a sort of daily journal where I get to focus on Profit in Peace, finding my ikigai, tapping into my coaching energy, feeling into my body, working on my challenges, and discovering that the world is a magical place.
It will continue to be labeled like the other challenges, but it is different in the sense that it doesn’t have a specific end date. The end date might be just when this mentality, thinking of this as a Profit in Peace no longer serves me. Which might be never.
You know in a way this should be called Blog Post. Because it is the most blog post of blog posts. The sole purpose of these posts is literally to work on my life through my blog. But “Blog Post” just doesn’t evoke what I need for it to evoke, so we ain’t doing it.
So what is the focus for today?
Today we have a similar bent to yesterday but a little more focused on gaming. In no particular order, I want to:
Yesterday, I went for a short run.
Here is a poem about it:
Tingling in My Back
That’s the feeling when I push myself
My knees not ready for the impact
I want to massage my stomach and back
I’m aware of others watching
I wonder if Alice would be embarrassed of me
I want people to like me
Especially the girls
I think about how I learned to control what other’s thought of me
And that’s when everything went to a place
Shaky and scary
I remind myself
What others feel
Is out of my control
I’m proud of my innovative knee exercises
They make my prickly knees
Feel warm and supple again
I just came back from my most recent run. Today I focused on processing the anxiety being surrounded by everyone’s opinions of me. I realized a couple of things.
Dr Bea Mackay
She told me an exercise
The same one
Every session
Breath in breath out
I realized
It isn’t about other people
They never mattered
Neither did their opinions
I’m them
As a trigger for my pain
The sharp inhale
To take the pain
The release of the exhale
Filling me with warmth
From head to toe
The point was never to win their approval
It was to feel my pain
It is so interesting how Dr. Bea Mackay’s exercises are so similar to Wim Hoff’s. And Wim Hoff’s exercises are about enduring and thriving in pain too, just his are about cold and her’s are about emotions. No wonder so many people talk about the Wim Hoff method bringing them relief from chronic anxiety.
I was just on the border of a panic attack when I went to go exercise.
My Head Hurts
Eyes are swimming in a pain in the back of my head
Heart beating like its a race
And no matter how fast it beats
It isn’t fast enough
To catch up
With the work I want to do
After hanging for a little bit, I decided something. I need to go back to basics. As the level of work, my ambition, my organization go up…so have my stress levels. It is beginning hard to relax, hard to feel in the moment. It feels like I’m in an endless race with no chance to catch my breath.
So here are the basics:
I also realized I did not work on the product research goal.
So here it is:
Goal: Create free products in 1 month | UNIT ONE: Complete research | Part 1 Transcribe and think, what is the million dollar problem or breakthrough?
Ugly Water
My little sloth talks about her ugly water
In a roaring ocean
Of fear and hatred
Roaring outside
Inside her little room
She stands by the room
Holding it closed
Always holding
As she feels the pressure of it
About to overwhelm everything
Leaking
Like the seeping of dread
She looks and
It was a mistake
Because she forgot to hold the door closed
I was doing some deep journaling in the form of questions and answers, where I would ask all the questions I have, feel deep in my heart what answer is coming to me, and then asking more questions about those answers.
For example, I will ask myself, what do I do about the anxiety with art? The answer that I feel come up intuitively is to create art which then poses the question, what do I do with art? Then I have the answer, use art to create richness in your life.
I was doing this exercise because I realized at this point in my life, I am so confused on what will happen next and what direction I want to go for my coaching, my career, and my relationship that the best way to serve myself is to get some clarity about what I am feeling and what I want. The faster you make decisions, the faster you progress. I felt that having clarity would make it much easier to make faster decisions.
I had quite a few revelations from this exercise I wanted to note down a few of the most important ones:
One more note I wanted to make…I had a new idea with coaching a few days ago. I always wanted to create video clips of my coaching in order to show social media, but I was thinking recently, I can create clips that can be used to share something a package that can be used to motivate my clients (clips of songs created during the session, major breakthroughs etc.)
I wonder if her words had any weight
Like sturdy old fashioned railcars laden with
Golden promise
Or if they were as ephemeral and false
Like the carcass of a shattered plate
Once with pleasing curves
And a sureness
Like that of unspoken feelings
I wonder now
If I imagined it all
And the distance was an ocean
That I mistook
For a puddle
They say, that an oridinary penny
Dropped from the top of the empire state building
Will cut a hole through the concrete sidewalk below
The penny is in me now
Burning a hole
Through the bottom of my heart
These poems are about the fear that there was never a real connection, that I made it up in my own mind. I wonder if there was even the possibility of love, or if I was simply deluding myself.
I wonder what I wasn’t able to give her. Was I not attractive enough? Not fun enough? Did I not give her enough space?