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On The Shuttle

Byjack
On the Shuttle

Today I got into a metal box
It’s not the kind you put into the ground
But the one that takes you from gate to gate
On the airplane filled tarmac
Except today I’m not leaving for a trip
It’s not a trip
It’s a move
And while it hasn’t quite hit me yet
Maybe I’m leaving a part of myself behind
Forever
Life though
Is always more gravel than dream
More grounded and real
Made up of experiences
Not places
Or cities
Austin
North Potomac
But I’ll miss them
Myself
My old comfortable life
That I snuggled in for so long
I’m afraid to grow up
Poke my head out from under the covers

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Core Wounds 9

Byjack

I kind of dropped the ball on these because I don’t know if I feel like challenging my core wounds, but I think I need to keep going for the 21 days at least. It is interesting because you are supposed to focus on one core wound. I don’t know which one I would focus on, but maybe if I just keep going there is one that I will want to focus on.

I was talking to a friend about how it is hard to work on yourself sometimes. What I told her is that it is sometimes scary to think about who you might change into, but I think there is another reason. Sometimes it is hard to work on yourself because in order to work on yourself you first need to look at yourself in the mirror and face who you are, and that isn’t easy to do.

I think a big core wound or belief is that there is something wrong with me, that no one will actually like me if they know who I really am, that I’m weak and creepy and unattractive.

She Said I Made Her Day

Walking up to her out of the blue

On the streets of new york city

On the college campus

They both told me

I made their day

The next girl

Will think you are the one

She told me

And when I asked the girl

Lost in her own world

In a song she just found

Whether or not she thought I was attractive

She said yes

I felt she wanted to say more

But was too shy

Core Beliefs 3

Byjack

Today I was talking to someone who thought that reprogramming your core beliefs and I’ve given this some thought.

  • It can be cringe if it isn’t genuine (forcing yourself to believe something that isn’t true)
  • It isn’t actually meant to be mindless affirmations but rather trying to get your mind to see a more balanced version of the truth. 
    • Ex: We are bad and our emotions do push other people away sometimes. But it’s not all the time. When you have a core wound, it’s something you are deeply afraid of and look for evidence for instead of looking at things clearly.
    • For example, if you believe you aren’t attractive, if ten people say you look good, and one person says you are ugly, you will believe the ten people are lying and the one person is telling the truth without being rational or logical about it. It doesn’t mean you aren’t ugly to some people, it just means it’s not as simple as you think it is.
    • If you successfully reprogram, you will take negative things less personally.
  • Reprogramming your subconscious means countering your habits of looking for evidence for the opposite of what you believe so you can see the fuller picture.
  • It can also be cringe if it is very surface level (mindlessness listing out five things)
  • Perhaps I want to take a more artistic approach and revisit different memories that contrasts against my core beliefs that takes me back to the feelings

Today I’ll do a little poem.

Zubats

It was nighttime in the art studios

Brandon’s smiling face

Shiny in the lights from above

He told me that the zubats were talking

And that he asked 

Jack or Michael

Jack of course

He told me that they said

Even though

They thought

I was a bit too arrogant

Workpost 40: Refinement of the Game

Byjack

Today I made some definite progress. Even though I have the exact same feeling of lack of motivation, no interest in working. Wanting to just play games, I felt significantly better, having done spleen chi exercises both before bed and after waking up in the morning. As a result I started working 3 hours earlier than yesterday.

Today, I want to improve upon and refine on the game that I created for myself yesterday.

Firstly, in my walking meditation this morning, some wisdom came to me.

Relaxed > Easy > Fast

This was the wisdom first introduced to me in the book, Born to Run where the author talks about how you run completely relaxed first. Then you make your running more smooth, more efficient. If you are able to make it efficient and relaxed, you WILL be fast.

This is the same thing in Valorant. In your warmups you aren’t instantly trying to one tap everyone. You aren’t trying to do it fast. If you do, you probably are going too fast and the warmup won’t work.

You want to start slow (or even in the Miyagi technique, don’t even follow through with a shot, just track the target). As it becomes easy for you to hit headtaps, then you start to gradually speed up.

I want to implement this in my warmups. First, start off doing intense workout with the aim of expansion. Then focus on some brainteasers (Miyagi, completely relaxed). After a few minutes of that, work on to do list, trying to make my relaxed thinking more efficient and clean. Finally, at the tail end of the warmup, try to go fast. My thoughts are:

  • 5 min physical warmup
  • 2 min brainteasers
  • 5 min todolist
  • 3 min buffer

Then for the actual match, I would like to break it up more often with some deep breathing every 5 minutes, like I do with Valorant between rounds.

Thoughts From the Conference

Byjack

It’s been a few days since I last wrote in this blog. I sometimes, I feel like I’m pushing a heavy bounder up the hill when I write. But I decided today I’m going to work through that and deliver something special. I remembered something that inspired me today. Writing isn’t about putting words together, it’s about clear thinking. And I love clear thinking.

Today, I was at the CLIO conference. CLIO is a software that law offices use.

During their keynote, author James Clear gave a speech about his bestselling book, Atomic Habits.

Clear on how to remove bad habits.
Clear on how to form new habits.

He said a lot of things I already knew like that fact that forming habits are about creating small triggers for bigger actions (like putting on your shoes is the habit for running) and that powerful habits that are about who you want to become instead of achieving goals.

However, there is one new thing that stuck me.

He said that your physical space determines how successful your habits are. Look at the spaces that you are in for most of the day and that will tell you a lot about what habits are.

I want to institute these new habits:

  1. Meditate more
  2. Journal every night
  3. Involve more people into my work
  4. Create more videos

And here is how I plan to implement them:

  1. Meditate
    • Atomic habit: Put on my mask, lay down on my couch, and turn on shamanic drumming
    • Changing my physical space: Place an eyemask next to my couch
  2. Journal
    • Atomic habit: Write the date, and the words wins and worries
    • Changing my physical space: Using pillow in my lap to write
  3. People
    • Atomic habit: When I have a big project write down people’s name who I can ask for help
    • Changing my physical space: Keep space clean enough for guests
  4. Videos
    • Atomic habit: Set up the camera
    • Changing physical space: Create multiple shoot locations in apartment

In other news, the CLIO conference was so good for business. Everyone was friendly, looking to network. We had so many good conversions and met a lot of potential customers and partners. Some thoughts:

  1. When people are at the top 1% of success, they tend to be far more relaxed and composed about success. They aren’t in a rush for a quick win. In that way, they may already be winning.
  2. A huge part of marketing, partnerships, and sales is about finding the right place to find the right people who want to work with you. Something I think about my coaching business is where might that be?

Profit in Peace 23: Values Update

Byjack

I have an update in my values.

It’s been interesting see how my values used to feel really unclear back in this post and recently got much more clear in this post, but now I feel even more clear.

Knowing your values is so important because it helps you set boundaries. When you don’t know your values it is hard to know when someone is crossing a boundary and if they are, what boundary they are crossing.

Here is the new list:

  • Honesty (push people who don’t accept you away, pull people who do, closer)
  • Empathy/Emotion (everyone is going through struggles, be present for people’s emotions without taking responsibility)
  • Freedom (used to call this time and space)
  • Ambition/Possibility/Dreaming
  • Respect (value others, others value you)
  • Health

Deep Reflections Late At Night

Byjack

I was in a men’s support group tonight and I was mulling over some of the recent discoveries I had:

  • I realized that the right person in your life will be someone who will accept everything about you. Someone who isn’t like that may just not be right for you.
  • I usually walk away at the first sign I feel someone doesn’t understand me. I learned not to give up so quickly if it’s someone I love. If they care about you, they will try to understand. It may take some time, but they will. 
  • I realized I have a very deep-seated hatred of women that is shoved down so deep I didn’t know it existed. I feel this has affected my life in profound ways and I want to explore this deeper and understand why.
  • I realized that the way I work myself to death isn’t healthy and I need to find a better way.

I chose to explore the last realization – how I approach work. Through the discussion and coaching, I realized the following:

  • I feel deep shame for asking for help because I feel like this means I’m not good enough and disorganized.
  • I think of everything in terms of lone wolfing everything  – when in fact I work on a team. The work I do benefits the company I work for, my colleagues and my customers (as I believe in the product).
    • There is no shame in asking for help.
    • In the past, when I used to troubleshoot customer issues, I would work until 4 am in the morning and not feel like it is work because I know who it is for, and how  I am helping them (I felt good about it).

I resolve going forward, that every time I get overwhelmed and feel the urge to procrastinate I’ll do the following:

    1. Ask myself who I am helping
      • Myself for the money and experience I will gain
      • My family, and friends because of the money and time, and experience I can share with them if I succeed at my work
      • My colleagues for how my work will benefit their lives and careers
      • My customers for whom my work will transform their businesses and their personal careers.
    2. Focus on doing the work to help them (not just to get it done).
      • I will never forget the story of the teacher who said the moment that teaching transformed for them was the moment that they stopped trying to teach, and focused on helping their students learn. This feels like that moment to me.

I need to be kinder to myself. To enjoy my life when I’m tired and my body is hurting. I should eat out, take breaks, watch tv. There is no shame in asking for help. I’m on a team. Most of all, I should focus on how my work will help others not just myself.