I’m trying to clean as fast as I can
I wonder what feeling I’m running from
When I look at the art supplied filling the closet
That I slept in last night
I feel like I want to cry
My heart hurts
Is there a point to setting up
My own place
If I have no one to share it with
I miss
Feeling safe
Everything just feels
So empty
Just like me
Ice fills my heart
When I think of the darkest night
Darkness
Drunk confusion
Was it worth it
To take the soft girl
And break her soul
That night
Leave her
Exposed
Vignette on the bed like a polaroid
Did you grin and smile
Lamplight on your face
On the parking lot
Beer in hand
While your friends
Moved on to the next party
In this poem I’m letting myself feel and process feelings of deep shock, dissociation, anger, fear, visceral graphic-ness and endless night.
I wonder if her words had any weight
Like sturdy old fashioned railcars laden with
Golden promise
Or if they were as ephemeral and false
Like the carcass of a shattered plate
Once with pleasing curves
And a sureness
Like that of unspoken feelings
I wonder now
If I imagined it all
And the distance was an ocean
That I mistook
For a puddle
They say, that an oridinary penny
Dropped from the top of the empire state building
Will cut a hole through the concrete sidewalk below
The penny is in me now
Burning a hole
Through the bottom of my heart
These poems are about the fear that there was never a real connection, that I made it up in my own mind. I wonder if there was even the possibility of love, or if I was simply deluding myself.
I wonder what I wasn’t able to give her. Was I not attractive enough? Not fun enough? Did I not give her enough space?
I think about seeing her
I want it tomorrow
I want it in the next minute
In the next second
To feel the warmth of her smile
Hear her little laugh
And sometimes, I worry
It will never happen
That life will keep us apart
I know that there are certain problems that need to be solved
Problems don’t go away I told her
She avoids them anyway
Until they are about to ruin everything
I hate her for making me feel
There is no hope left
That she accuses me of just stressing her out
Lashes out at me angrily
I feel pain because I know
She loves me
And wants to make me happy
Maybe I was too hard on her
But can I take the pain
Of watching everything burn
Letting the problems stack up against us
She’s so sensitive
And beautiful
And soft and understanding
Perhaps, I can be strong enough
To feel the fear
That I will lose her
I often cope with feelings of fear by trying to solve problems and remove obstacles. It’s who I am. It is the hardest thing to just let something I want more than anything slip away. Maybe I’m too hard on people, on myself for trying to fix everything. Sometimes, you just have to enjoy where life is right now, and process your fear and just trust everything will work itself out.
I think I love her more now
I think about her
And I feel warm inside
But when I ask for the things I need
And they are met with derisive laughter
Blame
And defiance
I feel angry
That the girl
I knew was the one for me
Is gone
And left a girl who only knows about fairness
When a relationship isn’t about
Counting things
But about giving
Feeling safe
Listening
Talking on the phone
Holding hands
Being intimate
A relationship is about risk
Not about playing it safe
And my rage like a burning wildfire
Sweeps towards her friend
All that they broke together
And she takes the ruined pieces and proclaims
I am responsible
Dares to deny me
What I want
My love for her burns equally bright
And smells of rosewater
Whispered promises at night
The trust we created
How I imagine it feels to cuddle with her
Under the blankets
I miss her
Like a great big hole has opened in my chest
And I cannot close it
Because no matter how many times I ask
There is another thing
Another game
Another reason
Why she cannot call
I feel abandoned
And I don’t want to be alone
But I feel guilt when I talk to other women
I don’t want them
I only want her
If only
She would offer herself to me
Fully
Every time I read her words
My hatred for her grows darker and angrier
That I have no choice but to respect her
That she is significantly better
And I’m just jealous
She ruined this game for me I’m sure
It took me so long
To find the drive to learn
To explore
To have fun
Yet all the things I taught her
How to use smurfs
Trying out duelists
Buying on the second round
She realized makes sense
She isn’t even as toxic anymore
Yet she still thinks she’s better
Still thinks that hunting for kills
Wanting to put other people down
Is correct
It’s a poison
I can’t play the game anymore without it seeping in
Talking to her
Ruins me
Yet she is too bored to talk about anything else
Because all she respects
Are people who do well in the game
And are mean to everyone else
She cannot fathom
How little respect I have for those people
That I hate them more than anything
That I never wanted her to be like that
That what I truly respect
Is the love for learning
Passion for the game
Looking for new ways to explore and have fun
To take on the challenge
And rise up to it
To bring others with you
Now I am horribly upset
And I don’t know how to even recover
Life feels empty and all I feel is hatred
All I want to do is make her feel pain
Nothing I cared about in life matters to me anymore
Nothing seems fun
I hate everything
I wish
She was good at the game
Was passionate
Wanted to share it with me
Wanted to teach me
Wanted to work together with me in the game
Wanted to play together
Have fun
Explore together
But all she cares about
Is using it to put other people down
It’s funny
In the beginning
She made me love this game
More than anything
Now I hate it
It’s not the fact that I loved her
Or the fact she used to read my blog every morning
Or the sound of her pretty voice
Or her jokes
Her emotions
Her caring side
Her acceptance of everything about me, even the dark parts
Her deep love for me
Or her photographs
Not her neediness
Or her eagerness to please me
What makes me cry
Is thinking about
How I always thought
I would be the one
To take her
Away from all the pain and suffering in her life
Hold her in my arms every night
Give her a space to heal and blossom
I thought I would be the one
To save her
But I’m not
That
Makes me cry