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She Knows

Byjack
She Knows

That calling is very important to me

That I only ask when I really want to

That I’m tired and lonely

That it’s excruciating to see her having fun

With others

When she refuses to play with me

That is why she gives me vague answers

In hopes that she won’t disappoint me

She knows

The lengths

I’m willing to go to

To make it work

Maybe she just cannot give me

What I need

Or maybe

When she’s upset

She cannot see anything but the negative

Forgets all the happy times

Forget the fun we had

How well we work together

Before she stopped listening

The love we shared

Before the angry words

How much she wanted to reassure me

Before she was afraid

How much she liked being mine

Before she wanted to push me away

The nights when she doesn’t want me to get off the phone

And told me I was right

That we always understand each other better

Be more real

On a call

I need rest

A very long one

Away from all of this

So I know 

What is best

For me

Focus on what I want

For a moment

It takes strength

To get past all the mess

To true understanding

And to part of a relationship

That is secure and loving

It’s like pushing an elephant

My feet are dug in

The struggle goes on

And on

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3 AM In the Morning

Byjack

Early this morning I parted ways with a friend and a girl who I loved deeply. While everything is fresh, I want to write everything I loved and hated about her in order to deal with the heartbreak and to understand better what I want in a girlfriend.

What I loved:

  • She didn’t expect anything out of me, let me do whatever I wanted, allowed me to express how I felt
  • Was very intelligent fast learner
  • Was beautiful and soft and small
  • Always interested in my thoughts and ideas
  • Had a great sense of humor
  • Understood me, or at least tried to understand when I explained it to her
  • Validated a lot of my ability to read her mind, made me feel safe
  • Was comforting when I was feeling unwell or insecure
  • Was submissive and wanted me to dominate her
  • Had strong opinions and a deep internal landscape
  • Was reasonable in our conversations, could take feedback
  • Was needy and made me feel loved
  • Was extremely emotional and passionate

What I didn’t like:

  • Cold and distant, like to laugh sarcastically and say hurtful things when upset
  • Said she wasn’t very creative and didn’t try to come up with things to talk about
  • Played a sum loss game and would be in denial and extremely defensive
  • Liked being toxic to people when they did badly or were slightly annoying
  • Would give up extremely easily
  • Defiant and stubborn, inflexible
  • Poor memory for happy times when she’s upset, spirals
  • Didn’t like singing or dance
  • Didn’t like trying new food
  • Sometimes gaslighting and in denial when it threatened her ego
  • Was not interested in working on herself

Overall, I felt that my needs were getting met less and less because she would never deal with any trauma that came her way, choosing to avoid things instead. I felt that she stopped being so objective and instead was really unable to listen to the truth when it hurt her ego. However, I still love her very much and hope she will at least come back and want to be friends. I do feel some relief though to be able to focus on myself and explore dating in the city. I feel very alone without her. I hope she is doing ok and will see one day that I really did love her.

I’m Not Ashamed That I Loved Her

Byjack

She told me that I would have been ashamed to tell my family or my therapist. But it wasn’t true. It wasn’t true because I would have explained that I loved her.

I loved her when she told me that when I left she cried for so long she threw up. I knew then she must have seen something special in me just like I saw something special in her.

I loved her when she made me laugh and smile at the stupidest things. I loved her when we would banter back and forth with insults.

I loved her when she told me that I needed to tell her when I got to my hotel late in California because she was scared she would lose me.

I loved her when she sent me a playlist of songs, beautiful songs, handpicked by her.

I loved her when she tried. Even when I made her uncomfortable. Even when I was mad at her.

I loved her when she was tired and would open up about the things in her life that troubled her. Things about her family. Things about her life.

I loved her when she told me she read my blog every morning.

I loved her when I was needy. So annoyingly needy,  but she was nothing but caring and reassuring.

I loved her when she would ask me why I was ignoring her, if I was driving and couldn’t respond right away.

I loved her when I came back from a meeting and would find so many messages from her, like gifts waiting to be opened.

I loved her when we used to talk on the phone for hours, and it never felt longer than a few minutes.

I loved her intelligence, her passion, her humor, her taste in music, her compassion and warmth, her emotions, her feminine side. She understood everything I said to her. Whether it was a dumb joke or my life philosophy. She had a deep emotional intelligence. She knew when she was avoiding the truth and what the truth was. She was immature at times. She gave up easily. She was self-destructive. She preferred to avoid her problems instead of dealing with them. She liked distractions. She was vindictive when she was angry. She liked to cry. She was embarrassed easily. I loved her for all of that.

 

She tells me now everything was a lie. What a beautiful lie to love.

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Love and Hate

Byjack
Love and Hate

Sometimes I hate her so much

I want to break everything in my house

Smash it to pieces

Hit her so hard

I can feel some sort of relief

In my heart

So angry

That she refuses to give me

The girl I’m so in love with

Instead

She makes herself hard to love

She thinks she is taking back control

That this is what confident people do

That she will somehow stop the pain

If she ruins everything first

She’s afraid

That she will disappoint me

She doesn’t know

That she was enough

That even in my anger

All I wanted

Was to get her back

That I love her

And I chose her for a reason

She doesn’t know

All her pushing me away

Makes me so angry

Makes me so sad

Scared

Tired

Tired of being forced to ask myself again

If she is worth it

Tired of feeling doubt

When I already know

That she is the one

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What She Saw In Me

Byjack
What She Saw In Me

I saw a video today

About how we should love ourselves

For things

The people we love

Saw in us

She loved my appearance

Thought I was handsome

I’ll indulge in my appearance

Feel proud

Groom myself

She loved my intelligence

I’ll indulge in that

Try to decipher

The world’s problems

She loved me for my emotions

I’ll indulge in that

Seek to find emotion

In art

In myself

In other people

She loved me for my skill

I’ll indulge in that

Not being afraid

To take the game

To new levels

She loved my laugh

I’ll indulge in that

Surround me with humor

She loved me because she understood me

I’ll indulge in that

Confide in her

Confide in people who get me

She loved me because I needed her

I’ll indulge in that

Seek to be taken care of

To be cared for

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The Cavern Inside My Heart

Byjack
The Cavern Inside My Heart

I think I love her more now

I think about her

And I feel warm inside

But when I ask for the things I need

And they are met with derisive laughter

Blame

And defiance

I feel angry

That the girl

I knew was the one for me

Is gone

And left a girl who only knows about fairness

When a relationship isn’t about

Counting things

But about giving

Feeling safe

Listening

Talking on the phone

Holding hands

Being intimate

A relationship is about risk

Not about playing it safe

And my rage like a burning wildfire

Sweeps towards her friend

All that they broke together

And she takes the ruined pieces and proclaims

I am responsible

Dares to deny me

What I want

My love for her burns equally bright

And smells of rosewater

Whispered promises at night

The trust we created

How I imagine it feels to cuddle with her

Under the blankets

I miss her

Like a great big hole has opened in my chest

And I cannot close it

Because no matter how many times I ask

There is another thing

Another game

Another reason

Why she cannot call

I feel abandoned

And I don’t want to be alone

But I feel guilt when I talk to other women

I don’t want them

I only want her

If only

She would offer herself to me

Fully

All That Matters Is Now

Byjack

I just made a little discovery about the nature of “should” and regret. What should I do, what should I have done, what is the perfect next move. They are interesting ideas but they can sometimes limit our understanding of the truth.

It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, or what will happen in the future, only how we feel about them now.

That is why everything is about processing feelings and even the permission exercise processes feelings about the future. Nothing matters but now.

It doesn’t even make sense to think about the future and the past because all we can control is the now.

Because nothing matters but the moment, we can process the past, we can process the future, and make our decision from where we are on how to feel the present. We can make decisions from the vantage point of now. We can do things now. We can feel now.

All that Matters is Now

I was scared of the past

Scared of what I might find

I was scared of the future

Scared of what I might do

But the place where I stand right now

With all the things that brought me to this moment

And all the paths that move on from here

Is all that matters

There is nothing I should do

There is only feeling what is

Only discovering

Acting

Understanding

Waiting