|

To A New Place

Byjack
To a New Place

I’m in a new place

And I feel lost

When I asked her why

She told me

It’s because I am coping with the emotions

By not feeling them

That my old life

Gave me a lot of my needs

And that it will take time

For me to find it again

I asked myself

In the men’s group

What I should do

And the answer

Was to be alone

In nature

And to be ok

With everything

Being a complete

Mess

Similar Posts

| |

Profit in Peace 12: Peace Disrupted

Byjack

My peace today was disrupted by work early. It is nice to have time to talk about strategic leadership things. I usually don’t have that much time during the week.

However, it’s not the type of morning that I aim to repeat.

I intend on reclaiming as much peace as I can in this 20 minute span.

I feel that respect is a really important need for me in work, and I feel that this need was not met at my previous job, it remains to be seen whether or not it is met enough in this job. I have my doubts to be sure.

Today, I woke up feeling much better, even though I went to bed a bit late. It’s because, on top of journaling, I also did cupping on my body to unblock anything that was blocked. Turned red on my chest, I guess a lot of blockages there specifically.

I feel with the level of stress this morning with no peace and no running I’m feeling surprisingly good.

I wonder how to push back on blatant hostility and disrespect in a way that I want to. I suppose some rage journaling should help and maybe my coaching mindset.

Today I want to focus on making a video on how to handle lack of respect in the workplace.

I don’t know how that is going to go but that’s what I want to do.

Perhaps I need to meditate on it some more.

Maybe finally watching another 20 minutes of the coaching call will be nice as well.

|

Valorant Poems

Byjack

Today I will be playing a lot of Valorant and hopefully processing a lot of the stress and feelings I have around Valorant through the use of poetry.

Pregame Stress

I’ve got knots in my stomach

What if it is another day

Of humiliation

That drop in my stomach

Feeling helpless

Like I’m worth nothing

I go down in rank

The more I play

What is wrong me

That I cannot get better

I hate this

Myself

Me

Hands Sweaty

On my keyboard

Heat on my face

Clenched stomach

It is no wonder

Valorant has such a big impact on me

I wish to let go of my fears

And remember the satisfaction of shooting

I starting to find it a challenge to write poetry because my mind always turns to thinking strategically and thinking in terms of sentanaces and bullet points. I’m going to roll with that. If that is how I feel, we are just going to write in sentences and bullet points.

I feel a bit tired like I’m walking through a haze. I’m scared to start a ranked game, and yet there is an eagerness to gain rr. Gold 1, what could go wrong? Yet I’m scared. HOW DID I GET TO GOLD 1? That’s unhead of. It gives me so much anxiety that I don’t know what is going on.

I want to remind myself of my main valorant tenants:

  1. Think of it as a 1v5
  2. Follow your feelings, peek when you are ready
  3. Keep wrist relaxed, use movement keys to aim

Some additional tenants:

  1. Find a space angle to hold, something that feels safe
  2. Peek expecting them there
  3. Notice things about aim, don’t try to change them, noticing is the pathway to the unconscious mind

Goddamn, this fucking omen can’t hit him while he’s moving . Why is Silver Movement so good?????

WHY IS THE RAZE HIDING IN THAT AREA? NO FUCKING COMMS? I hate this team. Why can I not hit shots.

I think I wasn’t aware of the danger I was in when clearing heaven. Maybe need more of that 1v5 mindset. Also, maybe need to notice where my shots are going. Scared but playing again. It is silvers I am with WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY KILLING ME. Counterstrafing, one tapping me??? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO?

THIS IS LIKE GOING BACK 2 FUCKING YEARS. I guess what I thought before is that I would never drop this low because I can beat them on gamesense alone.

I feel tired. Why are the braindead idiots getting more kills? I feel a bit better now. I adjusted and I was able to get a bunch of kills in the end. I guess its just about holding better angles.

I don’t like this bullshit bottom fragging. I feel so tired and awful and I feel hungry.

It is interesting that with these reflections I was able to drop 39 kills in one of my games.

|

Two Important Questions

Byjack

I was thinking about the concept of how Alex Hormzi approaches learning. The idea that you purpose things in a way expecting to fail at first, but you pursue them in such a way that you make it hard for you to fail. That the chances that you will fail is lower than the chances of success.

I was thinking about what made emotional or spiritual success. And that brought me to a few different ideas. They all centered around one thing, the relationship with oneself. I believe that the relationship that you have with yourself dictates the freedom and happiness you have in life. Some ways in which I am not a kind or loving friend or parent to myself are:

  • Thinking my needs are not important, especially if they make it less convenient for other people
  • Shaming myself and comparing myself to other people
  • Lashing out at myself when I’m not the best or successful
  • Yelling at myself for making mistakes
  • Putting on the pressure that if I’m not stressed I will not perform
  • Being disgusted by my weakness

What if I took this idea from Alex Hormzi? What if I accepted I am going to be a shit friend and parent to myself but I am going to ask myself what I need to do to make it harder to be unkind and unloving toward myself than it is to be kind and loving?

Well, what would the most loving parent do for me?

  1. Value my emotions and encourage me to explore them
  2. Hold me close when I’m upset or feeling weak and vulnerable
  3. I am the most important person in their life, they will drop everything if I need them
  4. Be interested in hearing about new adventures and failures and lessons
  5. Does not see me as a static person but as a sum of everything I’ve been, where I’m now, and where I’m headed
  6. Guide me when I’m feeling lost or need to defend myself

I want to know how I can make it impossible for me to not do that for myself.

Some ideas come to mind:

  1. Create a meditative time to watch my own content (read my journals, watch my videos, listen to my recordings). It feels like 1,4 and especially 5. As a side effect, this can create GREAT opportunities for understanding what kinds of videos I can make.
  2. Write down and read my thoughts when I feel lost, scared, angry, ashamed or frustrated. Create a place to feel hurt. This can hit at 1,3, and 4, and maybe 6 if I write responses to things I write.
  3. Work on dance therapy especially the following elements: allowing the world to hold you, inward closing comfort, sensual movement and touch, outward releasing movement

I don’t know how to come up with a strategy on how to mix this in with my life yet but some of my ideas includes:

  • Using therapists as a safe space to practice
  • Using people who are close as a way to practice
  • Using camera off meetings as a way to practice
  • Using youtube videos and coaching as a way to practice
| | |

Workpost 4: Tired

Byjack

I feel really tired today. I am worried about my sleep cycle. At least I went to bed 30 minutes earlier than I did the night before at 1:30 AM. I really feel I need more sleep than that to be healthy.

I suppose I can commit to taking a nap today.

Something I was wondering, is if I put positive, confident people on a pedestal. I mean, they can’t be that great right? I like how calm I can feel around them, but I can get that anywhere. In fact, one of the ways that I want to develop myself as a coach is to live more by the coaching mindset (you’re in my house, be patient, take risks, be ok with silence). If I live by that mindset 24/7, not only will I get more clients, I will also feel more calm in everything that I do.

Ok now onto the projects:

Goal: Shoot 3 videos, spend 3 hours on each. I have 2 days to do this.

I think today this will be my primary focus.

The videos I want to choose are:

  1. Can AI be used to create a cure?
    1. Today I’m going to try to use AI to cure all diseases.
    2. How do cures work?
    3. What part of the process can AI help?
  2. What skills are still needed in the age of AI?
    1. AI can do everything, write essays, create art, open doors, and even create videos
    2. Where does that leave you?
    3. Today I’m going to figure out what humans still need to know in the age of AI
  3. How can AI be used to develop innovative products?
    1. Let’s say you got a product – reliable, affordable, but a little boring
    2. Today I’m going to use AI to develop an innovative product

Ok, so in doing this exercise I realize that I have to pivot. none of these ideas are going to take 3 hours to make. I need to choose something that is really really fast to make.

My new top 3:

  1. GPT Prompt: Ask AI to explain a really difficult concept to you on a 2nd grade level
    1. Do you want the be the world’s smartest man…or woman?
    2. Today I’m going to use AI to enhance my intelligence with one simple prompt
    3. Explain it to me like I’m in 2nd grade
  2. GPT Prompt: Take everything in your fridge and ask for recipes
    1. Can I cook like Gordon Ramsey with nothing in my fridge?
    2. Today I’m challenging myself to cook like a high dining chef using one simple prompt
    3. Give me a high-dining recipe
  3. GPT Prompt: Take a boardgame and invent new rules
    1. Monopoly is boring
    2. Let’s make it insane with one simple prompt
    3. Use the monopoly boardgame and make it more skill based

Ok time for Goal 2.

UNIT ONE: Focus on my craft – become a coach I would hire for 1000 per month | Day 1 Create plans

  • 1 hr of meditation every day
  • 1 hr of speaking to other people about this every day

Workpost 45: Showing Up

Byjack

Today I feel very exhausted and tired. I still feel struggles with going to jiujitsu and going to bed on time. I feel overwhelmed with where I’m going with my business.

Here are some of the things I learned over the past few days:

  1. I can combine the powerful techniques of connection theory and flow theory in the following way: first use connection theory to validate and understand my feelings, then use flow theory to somatically process it. I can then use connection theory to understand deeper, better and have a more grounded explanation.
  2. It isn’t about what you do, it is about how you show up
  3. It’s ok to not know where you are going, but aim your northstar and measure everything at it

Today here are the things I want to achomplish:

  • Complete the three tasks I created for myself
  • Have additional time to play Valorant before jiujitsu
  • Spend time after jiujitsu working on my businesses
  • Take a nap during the day to recover from tireness

| |

Workplace 20: Basics

Byjack

I’ve been feeling quite down and unhappy recently.

I’ve decided after some meditation, journaling, and deep breathing that I want to focus back on the basics.

Here are the basics I already covered:

  1. Morning blog post and walk
  2. Nighttime journaling (most nights)
  3. 11-12 PM bedtime

Basics I want to further incorporate:

  1. Music and dance in the morning
  2. Deep breathing when I feel drawn to distract myself (indicates pain)
  3. Focus on creating delicious meals, taking time to enjoy eating and cooking

I’ve been processing the rejections in my previous post and I wanted to write a poem:

She Stared at Me

I remember the times when they just stared at me

As if they were surprised that I would even dare to ask

The girl in art history class

In the library

On the bus

That stare

Then that feeling I was reaching

For empty air

Something that didn’t exist

The feeling of people watching

Seeing me fail

Yet now I think about it

I was quite brave

I am a brave person

Willing to take the risk

I often didn’t believe in what I was doing

When I was trying to pick up girls

But now

With my career dreams

I do

Isn’t that worth a few stares?

Don’t I get the opportunity to shock

People out of their square lives

Square thoughts

Into my world?