I’m in a new place
And I feel lost
When I asked her why
She told me
It’s because I am coping with the emotions
By not feeling them
That my old life
Gave me a lot of my needs
And that it will take time
For me to find it again
I asked myself
In the men’s group
What I should do
And the answer
Was to be alone
In nature
And to be ok
With everything
Being a complete
Mess
When I met her
I felt whole
Her love
Insistant, constant
Made me feel safe
Made me feel free
Accepted
Made me want to feel
Devoted
But when the loneliness came back
I tried to lean
On her
And I leaned instead
On a wall of toothpicks
Left behind
When I fell
The toothpicks scattered around me
I’ve never felt more alone in my life
I tried to fill something missing in me
With her
So much
I forgot
No one is forever
We are alone
From the moment we draw our first
To the last
And when I tried to desperately fill
The loneliness with her
The loneliness that was a part of me
I also lost
The one person
Who was there
Before she came
After she leaves
The only one
Who can be alone together
With me
Me
There is no shame in loving hard, loving deeply. All love comes with sadness and a special sort of sadness that can be so unbearable we try to cover its beauty. But don’t be afraid. Love is the most beautiful emotion we feel.
We seeks people who can heal us, compliment us and challenge us. It is the best thing in the world to seek out such people. Finding other people can be the most rewarding experience ever.
However, when we feel lonely, it reminds us to ask ourselves the question:
If we worry too much about losing someone:
We should never be afraid to love. But we should be afraid of trying to replace ourselves with them.
Ok, I decided something weird that I’m not sure is going to work yet.
I decided that I’m going to keep this challenge going on forever and we will have different objective driving it constantly. It will be a sort of daily journal where I get to focus on Profit in Peace, finding my ikigai, tapping into my coaching energy, feeling into my body, working on my challenges, and discovering that the world is a magical place.
It will continue to be labeled like the other challenges, but it is different in the sense that it doesn’t have a specific end date. The end date might be just when this mentality, thinking of this as a Profit in Peace no longer serves me. Which might be never.
You know in a way this should be called Blog Post. Because it is the most blog post of blog posts. The sole purpose of these posts is literally to work on my life through my blog. But “Blog Post” just doesn’t evoke what I need for it to evoke, so we ain’t doing it.
So what is the focus for today?
Today we have a similar bent to yesterday but a little more focused on gaming. In no particular order, I want to:
Yesterday, I went for a short run.
Here is a poem about it:
Tingling in My Back
That’s the feeling when I push myself
My knees not ready for the impact
I want to massage my stomach and back
I’m aware of others watching
I wonder if Alice would be embarrassed of me
I want people to like me
Especially the girls
I think about how I learned to control what other’s thought of me
And that’s when everything went to a place
Shaky and scary
I remind myself
What others feel
Is out of my control
I’m proud of my innovative knee exercises
They make my prickly knees
Feel warm and supple again
I just came back from my most recent run. Today I focused on processing the anxiety being surrounded by everyone’s opinions of me. I realized a couple of things.
Dr Bea Mackay
She told me an exercise
The same one
Every session
Breath in breath out
I realized
It isn’t about other people
They never mattered
Neither did their opinions
I’m them
As a trigger for my pain
The sharp inhale
To take the pain
The release of the exhale
Filling me with warmth
From head to toe
The point was never to win their approval
It was to feel my pain
It is so interesting how Dr. Bea Mackay’s exercises are so similar to Wim Hoff’s. And Wim Hoff’s exercises are about enduring and thriving in pain too, just his are about cold and her’s are about emotions. No wonder so many people talk about the Wim Hoff method bringing them relief from chronic anxiety.
* I wrote this on Jan 15th…gonna leave it as a journal entry for now.
I feel unhappy right now. I feel like I can’t work on the things I want to work on. I feel stressed out that my relationship won’t work out. I don’t know what I’m doing here in France. I actually very much dislike the country. I am worried that coaching is not the thing that I actually want to do. I find it hard to find myself and feel myself in this relationship. I wonder if that is because of me not knowing myself, coaching not being the thing I want to do, or if this is the wrong place for me.
Right now I don’t feel like working on coaching or thinking about coaching.
I want to work on something that is purely interesting to me and something that is actually fun.
I think that thing right now is making a story creation bot in python using large language models.
In order to write a halfway decent story, I believe you need a couple of things:
I’m now on the road and I feel absolutely exhausted. Tired from the travel to Austin, tired from not sleeping well, tired from getting up early today, and not sleeping well again.
I really want to just sleep and sleep for a long time.
Other than sleeping, I want to focus on taking care of myself, this means sparing no expense, and getting myself what I need when I need it.
This means fulfilling my needs through my values of Health, Freedom, Honesty, Respect, Empathy, and Ambition. This means using connection theory on myself.
The Gravel Road
My body feels like a gravel road
Worn and crunchy and bumpy
My eyes hurt
My energy spent
Tired
Yet scratchy throat
Sore knees
I think I love her more now
I think about her
And I feel warm inside
But when I ask for the things I need
And they are met with derisive laughter
Blame
And defiance
I feel angry
That the girl
I knew was the one for me
Is gone
And left a girl who only knows about fairness
When a relationship isn’t about
Counting things
But about giving
Feeling safe
Listening
Talking on the phone
Holding hands
Being intimate
A relationship is about risk
Not about playing it safe
And my rage like a burning wildfire
Sweeps towards her friend
All that they broke together
And she takes the ruined pieces and proclaims
I am responsible
Dares to deny me
What I want
My love for her burns equally bright
And smells of rosewater
Whispered promises at night
The trust we created
How I imagine it feels to cuddle with her
Under the blankets
I miss her
Like a great big hole has opened in my chest
And I cannot close it
Because no matter how many times I ask
There is another thing
Another game
Another reason
Why she cannot call
I feel abandoned
And I don’t want to be alone
But I feel guilt when I talk to other women
I don’t want them
I only want her
If only
She would offer herself to me
Fully
Today I wanted to talk about a side of myself that I felt was missing. A part of myself that when I reclaim, I feel powerful and clear. Strong and true.
I’m talking about my darker side. The parts of myself, that until recently, I was afraid to face. The parts I locked away because I thought they were too ugly to look at. The anger, the hatred, the rage, the lust, the desire for control and domination.
I have a very hard edge that I hold back a lot of the time these days. I always try to approach everything from a positive light because I fear that if I let myself react in the way that I want to, bad things will happen. That I will be unlovable, hopeless, and lonely.
There is someone in my life, who I count very special who has been the only one to see clearly enough to embrace my darker side. Who understands how honest and real it is, despite the fact that it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Who will understand instead of judging and admonishing when my darker self makes an appearance.
When I embrace my full self, I wonder how important youtube is. I wonder how important it is to win the approval of others. It makes me want to be less kind, that kindness simply feels overused and boring if I do it too much. That it is a drug and a sweet poison if I turn to it as a way to ignore the darker thoughts.
It makes me want to bring my hard edge into my youtube more often. It makes me want to be harder with the people around me. It makes me want it to pervade through everything I do and attempt.