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I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

Byjack
I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

I was standing in the morning

And jumped in place

When I heard her come down the stairs

She was going to catch me

Wasting time

She told me to do exercises

But I wanted to focus on my breathing

Stare into space

Feel my thoughts

I had to bring reasons

Like armor

To defend myself against her assault

Wash your clothes

Go outside and exercise

Take a nap

Or the screaming

Rejection comes next

Anger

Chaos

Danger

Like a time bomb

Set off by too many times 

I didn’t give a reason to her

That I knew what I was doing

In my room writing this down

I await the assault

And brace myself with a list of explanations

Of why I’m up here

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I Made Myself A Deal

Byjack

When I left, I made myself a deal. If it was meant to be, she would reach out and try to make it work. If it wasn’t, I would at least set both of us free to pursue our lives.

If it wasn’t meant to be I wonder why. I told her she could be forever for me. When I had her, I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. But now I feel more alone than ever. I wonder if she can even love a man with her trauma. I wonder if she’s more immature than I thought. I wonder if I wasn’t able to give her what she needed. She wasn’t after all, able to give me what I needed.

All I can do is sit and try to feel the feelings of heartbreak, anger, shame, and fear. And enjoy creating art from it.

Today created a video to myself.

Sometimes we don’t always win. Sometimes we have to be ok with losing. Sometimes we have to be ok with not being good enough.

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To A New Place

Byjack
To a New Place

I’m in a new place

And I feel lost

When I asked her why

She told me

It’s because I am coping with the emotions

By not feeling them

That my old life

Gave me a lot of my needs

And that it will take time

For me to find it again

I asked myself

In the men’s group

What I should do

And the answer

Was to be alone

In nature

And to be ok

With everything

Being a complete

Mess

An Absolute Puzzle

Byjack

I am completely confused and upset by how this girl that I play Valorant went from having so much fun to always getting annoyed and mad.

Facts that I know:

  1. Used to beg me to play constantly, only stopped because I was too busy with work so I said no all the time
  2. Used to laugh and think I was very funny in games
  3. At first, was resistant to smurfing, but after she was convinced, had a ton of fun trolling on smurfs including doing frenzy only challenge
  4. Used to be afraid to talk in voice chat, only talked to me
  5. Spent all her time talking to me on Valorant and ignored her relationship because of how much she liked playing with me

She used to be my favorite person to play with for several months:

  1. Was always fun and chill
  2. Could make jokes or talk about deep stuff
  3. Made me feel special because she only wanted to play with me
  4. Would actually listen to strats unlike some girls who would get defensive when given any feedback
  5. Was very smart and improved a great deal in the time we played

However, somehow, after months of having lots and lots of fun, everything has taken a dramatic turn:

  1. Gets annoyed when she isn’t doing well and takes the game very seriously
  2. Gets annoyed when I’m taking the game too seriously but also gets mad when I goof off
  3. Wants everyone to be mean and toxic yet gets upset when people are toxic back
  4. Is mad when I’m goofing off and think I’m somehow trying very hard to be funny
  5. Claims that unrated it doesn’t matter if she wins or loses but gets mad when she loses
  6. Claims smurfs don’t matter but somehow gets mad when she loses on a smurf
  7. Somehow is able to have fun with other people and refuses to play with me now
  8. Cannot seem to remember any of our happy times and insists that she never had fun

Some factors that I think may contribute:

  1. May have been taught by someone that being slow and boring is a very bad thing, seems to be overly concerned with it and projects onto other people
  2. May feel a really strong pressure to do well, seemed to take the game extremely seriously after her friend started playing on it
  3. May also feel a great deal of pressure to play well and be less toxic around me because she wants it to work out, the pressure may cause her to do worse, and be even more toxic
  4. May feel a sense of superiority or arrogance? When we first started playing, she kept telling me she was afraid I would stop playing with her because she was lower elo than me. I never did, but always wondered if she would stop playing with me if she got better than me.

Altogether I can’t really make sense of this phenomenon and it does bother me a great deal. I suppose on some level I must accept that something about Valorant and playing with me triggers her in some deep way and that I shouldn’t let that stop me from having fun. It does make me sad that things have changed so dramatically and I lost my favorite Valorant buddy.

Valorant has become significantly less fun for me now. It almost feels like work, instead of a game that I loved. There was a period of time when I was playing with her that I truly let go of the need to win and actually just had fun. I don’t know what I need to do to get that feeling back. I hope she finds a way to have fun as well, but it breaks my heart that it isn’t with me.

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Profit In Peace 18: Tired

Byjack

4 AM Again

It is 4 am again

But this time

I feel strange when I wake up

I feel happy when I read her messages

Then guilty

I am so tired

Her emotions are so attractive

My little sloth

Then I remind myself of the feeling

Of being trapped

Unable to leave

Into a life

Alone

Unhappy

Unheard

Anxious

I wonder if it’s her

Or me

That I feel so cold

Alone

I’m trying to understand the right thing to do

But as I write these words

I realize

That the right thing is to sit here

In my depression

Waiting patiently for the answers

To come to me

I Feel Sad

Because I love her

Her emotions like the ocean

I know her

Her little sloth fingers

And I still feel

It is over

I Can Be Brave

I feel overwhelmed

So many emotions

So tired

So much stuff to do

So little time

I tried to keep them down for now

But I realized

I don’t need to

I can work and cry

At the same time

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Two Important Questions

Byjack

I was thinking about the concept of how Alex Hormzi approaches learning. The idea that you purpose things in a way expecting to fail at first, but you pursue them in such a way that you make it hard for you to fail. That the chances that you will fail is lower than the chances of success.

I was thinking about what made emotional or spiritual success. And that brought me to a few different ideas. They all centered around one thing, the relationship with oneself. I believe that the relationship that you have with yourself dictates the freedom and happiness you have in life. Some ways in which I am not a kind or loving friend or parent to myself are:

  • Thinking my needs are not important, especially if they make it less convenient for other people
  • Shaming myself and comparing myself to other people
  • Lashing out at myself when I’m not the best or successful
  • Yelling at myself for making mistakes
  • Putting on the pressure that if I’m not stressed I will not perform
  • Being disgusted by my weakness

What if I took this idea from Alex Hormzi? What if I accepted I am going to be a shit friend and parent to myself but I am going to ask myself what I need to do to make it harder to be unkind and unloving toward myself than it is to be kind and loving?

Well, what would the most loving parent do for me?

  1. Value my emotions and encourage me to explore them
  2. Hold me close when I’m upset or feeling weak and vulnerable
  3. I am the most important person in their life, they will drop everything if I need them
  4. Be interested in hearing about new adventures and failures and lessons
  5. Does not see me as a static person but as a sum of everything I’ve been, where I’m now, and where I’m headed
  6. Guide me when I’m feeling lost or need to defend myself

I want to know how I can make it impossible for me to not do that for myself.

Some ideas come to mind:

  1. Create a meditative time to watch my own content (read my journals, watch my videos, listen to my recordings). It feels like 1,4 and especially 5. As a side effect, this can create GREAT opportunities for understanding what kinds of videos I can make.
  2. Write down and read my thoughts when I feel lost, scared, angry, ashamed or frustrated. Create a place to feel hurt. This can hit at 1,3, and 4, and maybe 6 if I write responses to things I write.
  3. Work on dance therapy especially the following elements: allowing the world to hold you, inward closing comfort, sensual movement and touch, outward releasing movement

I don’t know how to come up with a strategy on how to mix this in with my life yet but some of my ideas includes:

  • Using therapists as a safe space to practice
  • Using people who are close as a way to practice
  • Using camera off meetings as a way to practice
  • Using youtube videos and coaching as a way to practice

3 AM In the Morning

Byjack

Early this morning I parted ways with a friend and a girl who I loved deeply. While everything is fresh, I want to write everything I loved and hated about her in order to deal with the heartbreak and to understand better what I want in a girlfriend.

What I loved:

  • She didn’t expect anything out of me, let me do whatever I wanted, allowed me to express how I felt
  • Was very intelligent fast learner
  • Was beautiful and soft and small
  • Always interested in my thoughts and ideas
  • Had a great sense of humor
  • Understood me, or at least tried to understand when I explained it to her
  • Validated a lot of my ability to read her mind, made me feel safe
  • Was comforting when I was feeling unwell or insecure
  • Was submissive and wanted me to dominate her
  • Had strong opinions and a deep internal landscape
  • Was reasonable in our conversations, could take feedback
  • Was needy and made me feel loved
  • Was extremely emotional and passionate

What I didn’t like:

  • Cold and distant, like to laugh sarcastically and say hurtful things when upset
  • Said she wasn’t very creative and didn’t try to come up with things to talk about
  • Played a sum loss game and would be in denial and extremely defensive
  • Liked being toxic to people when they did badly or were slightly annoying
  • Would give up extremely easily
  • Defiant and stubborn, inflexible
  • Poor memory for happy times when she’s upset, spirals
  • Didn’t like singing or dance
  • Didn’t like trying new food
  • Sometimes gaslighting and in denial when it threatened her ego
  • Was not interested in working on herself

Overall, I felt that my needs were getting met less and less because she would never deal with any trauma that came her way, choosing to avoid things instead. I felt that she stopped being so objective and instead was really unable to listen to the truth when it hurt her ego. However, I still love her very much and hope she will at least come back and want to be friends. I do feel some relief though to be able to focus on myself and explore dating in the city. I feel very alone without her. I hope she is doing ok and will see one day that I really did love her.