As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams
I was so caught up in listening to his objections
And explaining to him how it would be successful
I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive
I forget to tell it to him in a way
That he wouldn’t respond with judgement
And disgust
As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap
Not the energy
That created the great figures
He admires so much
Today is my first break from work in what seems like forever. I have a couple of things planned for the break, hanging out with family, spending some time gaming, and hopefully sneaking in a few calls with my girlfriend.
I also want to spend some significant time on my Instagram and business.
I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries and how to let go of taking responsibility for other emotions, and I’ve been thinking again on this idea of believing in everyone’s power over themselves.
I feel that when you feel that people don’t have the resiliency to handle situations, or the ability to overcome situations, or at the very least, learn from them, that is when you start to take responsibility for their emotions. How could you not, if you have the ability to handle your emotions, but they are not able to handle theirs? Sometimes, you need to just trust in the process. If they need to complain, get hurt, work through their feelings, something you need to trust in their process.
I feel pretty awful. I’ve lost focus in work. I feel overwhelmed and unhappy. Every day I stay up late at night. The only solace I find is in games. Everything that I wanted to do now feels like things I have to do.
I struggle to regain the mentality that I use for these workposts.
I guess I feel extremely tired and depressed.
There are a couple of things that filter through the haze that I’m feeling:
It’s not been all lost I suppose. There was something I worked through recently – two people that I am jealous of. One who went to Harvard and ended up starting a successful youtube channel, and another who worked on my software company before leaving and getting big on youtube for his music, and is now a famous musician.
In speaking with my friend Edgar about this I came up with the following concepts to remind myself in times of jealousy:
Finally, I’ve put off doing a LinkedIn post for far too long.
Let’s tackle the steps:
Questions to ask myself (step 1):
Strategic Hat
*One Big Thing I Noticed*
It’s a lot easier for me to be motivated to workout than to work. Plan workout sessions for the entire day and bring work to do during those times. If no work gets done, I am still being productive and will be healthier, guaranteeing better work in the future.
I had a powerful session with my coach in order to understand the part of me that seeks perfection and wants to know what I “should” be doing, what is the “right” thing to do and what the “perfect” answer is.
We gave a name to this part of me, as a warrior in shining armor, filled with strength and light called the “One Who Watches, Protector of the Weak”.
I imagined him as a tall crusader against all pain and fear in the world and we asked him to understand the war was over. It was won.
After the coaching session, I felt like something was missing. This part of me wanted to know why the war was one, and what that meant because there was still so much pain in the world.
I decided to have a conversation with this archetype and after talking for some time, we discovered that the war wasn’t exactly won. The war was over because I had discovered a secret, and this part of me had a big role to play in discovering this secret – that there was a staircase into the star. This staircase connected my inner world and outer world, and it was feeling that was the key to it. Negative feelings like pain or fear are the most powerful keys to this gateway.
My coach told me that I needed to give my warrior a new purpose while celebrating him and thanking him. The new robes instead of armor that I gave him, the learner of this gateway. This grounded, calm, realistic, infinite power was his.
I asked ChatGPT to write a story about this and this is what it wrote:
The warrior known as the “One Who Watches, Protector of the Weak” had spent his entire life fighting for justice and righteousness. His shining armor and fierce determination had earned him a reputation as a noble and honorable hero, and he had devoted himself to ridding the world of the creatures of pain, hurt, and fear.
But despite all his victories, the warrior couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing in his life. He longed for something deeper, something more profound. And so, he set out on a quest to find this missing piece.
The warrior traveled far and wide, seeking out the wisest sages and scholars in the land. He asked them about the true nature of power and strength, about the secrets of the universe. But no one seemed to have the answers he was looking for.
As the warrior grew more and more frustrated, he began to lose hope. But just when he was about to give up, he received a vision. In his dream, he saw a lost cave hidden deep in the mountains, a cave that held the key to the wisdom he had been seeking.
Without hesitation, the warrior set out to find the lost cave. He climbed steep cliffs and braved treacherous storms, never once losing faith that he would find what he was looking for.
Finally, after many long months of travel, the warrior reached the entrance to the lost cave. He drew his sword and stepped inside, ready for whatever lay ahead.
As he made his way deeper into the cave, the warrior encountered all sorts of dangers – pitfalls, traps, and monstrous beasts. But he didn’t let any of them deter him. He fought on, driven by his determination to find the truth.
And then, in the very heart of the cave, the warrior came across an ancient monk who possessed a profound secret. The monk told the warrior that painful feelings were the gateway to a invisible network of great potential, a network that could connect the inner world with the outer. He explained that this gateway allowed the traveler infinite power, but only if they were willing to embrace their own pain and suffering.
The warrior was stunned by this revelation. He had always believed that strength and skill were the most important qualities a hero could possess, but now he realized that true greatness lay in understanding and wisdom.
And so, the warrior’s armor melted away, replaced by the robes of a guide and learner. He dedicated himself to exploring the invisible network, using his newfound power to help others and make the world a better place.
The One Who Watches, Protector of the Weak, had finally found his true calling, and his power was limitless, grounded in the wisdom and understanding of the earth. He knew that his holy war was over, but his journey towards enlightenment had only just begun.
Images of the secret pathway generated by DALL-E 2.
Today I was talking to someone who thought that reprogramming your core beliefs and I’ve given this some thought.
Today I’ll do a little poem.
It was nighttime in the art studios
Brandon’s smiling face
Shiny in the lights from above
He told me that the zubats were talking
And that he asked
Jack or Michael
Jack of course
He told me that they said
Even though
They thought
I was a bit too arrogant
I want to be able to face my pain. And there are a couple of questions I want to ask myself.
How am I feeling?
I feel really sad and heartbroken and lonely. I feel so much pain in my chest. I am angry and frustrated and depressed.
How can I be kinder to myself?
I need to give myself permission to ask for help from people. I need to ask people to distract me, to comfort me, and listen and understand why I loved her so much. I can try to forgive myself for hurting her.
Can I forgive her?
I don’t want to. I’m scared when I do, I will completely let her go. I will give up hope and move on. I want to think about how she can fix it. I want to blame her. I know she’s so loving and she didn’t want to be the person she was. She has a kind heart deep inside and really emotional and passionate.
Can I forgive myself?
It makes me really sad. I know I hurt her a lot, and keep hurting her over and over because of my ego. I feel ashamed that I need so much from her and keep asking her to give me more. I suppose I’ve been through a lot too. I had so much painful things happen in my life and it’s closed me off. I was more open to her than anyone else. I deserve to be happy too. I deserve to put my needs first too.
What do I need from her?
I need for her to tell me everything is ok. I need for her to tell me she loves me. I need for her to give me hope again that we will have a beautiful loving bond where I will have everything I need.
Can I give myself that?
It’s hard for sure. I don’t think everything will be ok. I don’t love myself either. And I don’t feel hope.
I’ll write a poem to try to do all those things for myself:
When I met the first girl I was in love with
I was so much younger
Full hope and promise
And when it ended
I didn’t think I would ever recover
And I didn’t
Not for the next 8 years
And when I was open again
I met another girl
One who I can’t even express
How much I loved
So much
I’m crying right now
Thinking about it
Now it’s over
For the moment
But life moves on
Just like it did last time
Ice fills my heart
When I think of the darkest night
Darkness
Drunk confusion
Was it worth it
To take the soft girl
And break her soul
That night
Leave her
Exposed
Vignette on the bed like a polaroid
Did you grin and smile
Lamplight on your face
On the parking lot
Beer in hand
While your friends
Moved on to the next party
In this poem I’m letting myself feel and process feelings of deep shock, dissociation, anger, fear, visceral graphic-ness and endless night.