As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams
I was so caught up in listening to his objections
And explaining to him how it would be successful
I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive
I forget to tell it to him in a way
That he wouldn’t respond with judgement
And disgust
As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap
Not the energy
That created the great figures
He admires so much
I’ve been sick in the past two days. Not a terrible sickness thankfully. I credit that to the copious quantities of water I consumed as well as the zinc I took and the lymph node massage to clear my stuff nose. I can’t smell anything, I feel tired, and my mind feels fuzzy but other than that I’m actually doing ok.
Earlier my throat was hurting and I woke up many times in the night, but overall I slept pretty good. I’ve been self-medicating a lot by playing games, and I want to stop. I did go for a walk this morning and workout, and I feel that helps.
I’m scared
That you will like him
More than you ever liked me
That he will see your beauty want to win you over
Just like how I felt
When I first heard your voice
In a way,
I’m glad that I feel the anger and desperation
That it makes me feel the passion again
Want you to be mine
But I remember another time
When I felt like I was left behind for someone better
That I felt not good enough
And I wonder if you would like someone new
Like the first bite of an apple
Before the taste grows boring in your mouth
Sometimes I’m confused
Whether I’m pushing or pulling
Like the dream I had about you sitting next to me on a train
Your curls framing your face
So warm
Even with the beautiful view outside
I only had eyes for you
And the morning when I wondered what it would be like
To treat dating like another adventure
A new face every day
A new smile
Do you ever wonder the same?
Have you already felt so?
Did you wonder today?
When forget to ask me
If I still felt sick
This poem is about the painful feeling of desperation and jealousy when you are not always the center of someone’s world. Beyond the feeling is the passion you feel when you remember how desirable someone is.
A couple of weeks ago, I rented a car at National car rental. My sister returned it for me, and I got a shock in my email a few weeks later.
I immediate assumed this had to be a scam, or some sort of mistake. But the more I read, the more that I could tell this was actually legit. They had the right time, the right place and right company. They were charging me for $1295.81 for damages to the vehicle.
Looking at this deeper I noticed that the line items were VERY extensive, replaces door parts and handles. According to them, the car was HEAVILY damaged.
Looking at the pictures, I could barely see any of the damages they were indicating. It almost felt like they were offloading the cost of wear and tear on me.
Obviously I was LIVID.
So I went to chase down this problem:
The last woman who oversaw the appeals to the damages told me the following information:
So my lessons learned from this whole experience:
A day later I got an email.
Today is my first break from work in what seems like forever. I have a couple of things planned for the break, hanging out with family, spending some time gaming, and hopefully sneaking in a few calls with my girlfriend.
I also want to spend some significant time on my Instagram and business.
I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries and how to let go of taking responsibility for other emotions, and I’ve been thinking again on this idea of believing in everyone’s power over themselves.
I feel that when you feel that people don’t have the resiliency to handle situations, or the ability to overcome situations, or at the very least, learn from them, that is when you start to take responsibility for their emotions. How could you not, if you have the ability to handle your emotions, but they are not able to handle theirs? Sometimes, you need to just trust in the process. If they need to complain, get hurt, work through their feelings, something you need to trust in their process.
Every time I read her words
My hatred for her grows darker and angrier
That I have no choice but to respect her
That she is significantly better
And I’m just jealous
She ruined this game for me I’m sure
It took me so long
To find the drive to learn
To explore
To have fun
Yet all the things I taught her
How to use smurfs
Trying out duelists
Buying on the second round
She realized makes sense
She isn’t even as toxic anymore
Yet she still thinks she’s better
Still thinks that hunting for kills
Wanting to put other people down
Is correct
It’s a poison
I can’t play the game anymore without it seeping in
Talking to her
Ruins me
Yet she is too bored to talk about anything else
Because all she respects
Are people who do well in the game
And are mean to everyone else
She cannot fathom
How little respect I have for those people
That I hate them more than anything
That I never wanted her to be like that
That what I truly respect
Is the love for learning
Passion for the game
Looking for new ways to explore and have fun
To take on the challenge
And rise up to it
To bring others with you
Now I am horribly upset
And I don’t know how to even recover
Life feels empty and all I feel is hatred
All I want to do is make her feel pain
Nothing I cared about in life matters to me anymore
Nothing seems fun
I hate everything
I wish
She was good at the game
Was passionate
Wanted to share it with me
Wanted to teach me
Wanted to work together with me in the game
Wanted to play together
Have fun
Explore together
But all she cares about
Is using it to put other people down
It’s funny
In the beginning
She made me love this game
More than anything
Now I hate it
Last night I went to bed on time, got into my bedroom about 11PM and went to bed at midnight.
However, I woke up feeling abysmal, tired and my stomach was hurting. I feel that I ate a big dinner to close to bedtime. Also, maybe I’m just catching up on sleep.
This morning, as with many mornings, I did not want to go for a walk, but I did anyway. I realized that if I go for a walk because I “have to” then I feel undermotivated. But if I go for a walk to “meditate” and think, it actually is quite enjoyable and feels needed as I feel pretty shitty and need some time. I also makes it easy to not reach for my phone because I obviously don’t want a phone disturbing my quiet thoughtful meditation.
I also realized my morning singing and dance are part of my meditation and that I want to set an alarm so that I know when I need to look at my phone.
Today in terms of work, I don’t really know what to focus on. Perhaps I will finish up more things related to work so I can have fewer things on my plate and be able to focus on my two goals around AI and Art Coaching.