Every time I am afraid
I feel confused and helpless
I ask myself
What should I do?
My mom told me what I should do
My dad told me what I should do
But maybe I outgrow their voices in my head
Maybe they become possibilities
Of what I could do
Maybe what I needed from my mom and dad
When I was confused
Is the space to self soothe
A safe place to feel the confusion
So the path would become clear to me
Today is the day to make things up for myself.
Reminding myself of the mantra:
Today I want to establish the finances, goals, and structures of my businesses.
This means finishing the following things:
Here is how I want to divide it up:
UNIT ONE: Logistics
UNIT TWO: Longterm planning
UNIT THREE: Business planning
UNIT ONE: Logistics
UNIT TWO: Logistics
UNIT THREE: Business Planning
I kind of dropped the ball on these because I don’t know if I feel like challenging my core wounds, but I think I need to keep going for the 21 days at least. It is interesting because you are supposed to focus on one core wound. I don’t know which one I would focus on, but maybe if I just keep going there is one that I will want to focus on.
I was talking to a friend about how it is hard to work on yourself sometimes. What I told her is that it is sometimes scary to think about who you might change into, but I think there is another reason. Sometimes it is hard to work on yourself because in order to work on yourself you first need to look at yourself in the mirror and face who you are, and that isn’t easy to do.
I think a big core wound or belief is that there is something wrong with me, that no one will actually like me if they know who I really am, that I’m weak and creepy and unattractive.
Walking up to her out of the blue
On the streets of new york city
On the college campus
They both told me
I made their day
The next girl
Will think you are the one
She told me
And when I asked the girl
Lost in her own world
In a song she just found
Whether or not she thought I was attractive
She said yes
I felt she wanted to say more
But was too shy
I realized something about my structure today. I stopped making these posts. I lost my progress with going to sleep on time. I started feeling really overwhelmed and like I never had enough time to do anything, even though I have more time than ever.
What I realized that I love working. Intentional, driven, honest work. I don’t like the work where you have to ignore your feelings, your values, your morals, or your intelligence. But I love the work that is driven at improving yourself, being present, and making enough money to set you free.
I did an experiment when I stopped calling these posts “Profit in Peace” because that name comes from a program that isn’t mine, a program that had a similar premise to what I’m describing (making profit while being at peace emotionally), but it wasn’t actually about profit in peace, it was about selling things on Amazon.
So I’m trying out a new name for these posts. Workpost is my new name for my daily posts that use my blog as a working space for my ideas, businesses, personal development, and creative process.
Tired
Right now I feel tired
My stomach aches like the sour candy left on your teeth for too long
The bleariness drenching my head
Yet I seek
I seek for more
I dream of great profits
And when I wrote
Why I wanted them
“Life can be a magical place”
“And I want to live that life”
It is starting to make so much sense why I often write poems because they are such a good way to express where I am without resorting to logic.
Today I want to focus a bit on two things, AI Consulting and my art research and my art program.
For AI consulting, I want to tackle the first step of my plan which is to make a name for myself in AI.
My focus is primarily Linkedin, Facebook, and Twitter because those are probably the three main areas I will pull clients.
The aim of step one is to build up credibility amongst people that I may contact. It can be credibility with people who aren’t particularly savvy in technology so the content needs to be directed at my potential audience.
In a way, I would like the content to be a preview of what consulting will look like.
I have 10 days to do this step. Counting today that would be until the 27th of February.
Lets break it down further.
Goal: Be known, give preview of consulting
UNIT ONE (3 days): Bootstrap trial and error
UNIT TWO (3 days): Harden process
UNIT THREE (3 days): Pump out content like a machine
BONUS (1 day): Look for automation/outsourcing, try to make as low effort as possible
Switching gears to Art/Creative Coaching, the point of the first 4 months is to change the lives of my clients, and sort of start my group coaching program. I want to use this to increase my rates drastically. The end of this part will be June 18th.
Goal: Change the lives of my clients via one on one, group coaching and any other methods available to me
UNIT ONE (1 month): Take risks, experiment
UNIT TWO (1 month): Reflect on coaching sessions, meditate, innovate
UNIT THREE (1 month): Take big risks with group coaching
BONUS (1 month): Document journeys, testimonials
I haven’t quite figured out the structure for advancing in coaching. It was extremely difficult to come up with things for UNIT ONE and those aren’t even steps and subunits, they are just ideas I can try. I think it is because coaching is such an intuitive thing for me. It is hard to structure it. What I feel I almost need is another coach. Maybe I will build my bot for that and utilize Dan.
Every time I read her words
My hatred for her grows darker and angrier
That I have no choice but to respect her
That she is significantly better
And I’m just jealous
She ruined this game for me I’m sure
It took me so long
To find the drive to learn
To explore
To have fun
Yet all the things I taught her
How to use smurfs
Trying out duelists
Buying on the second round
She realized makes sense
She isn’t even as toxic anymore
Yet she still thinks she’s better
Still thinks that hunting for kills
Wanting to put other people down
Is correct
It’s a poison
I can’t play the game anymore without it seeping in
Talking to her
Ruins me
Yet she is too bored to talk about anything else
Because all she respects
Are people who do well in the game
And are mean to everyone else
She cannot fathom
How little respect I have for those people
That I hate them more than anything
That I never wanted her to be like that
That what I truly respect
Is the love for learning
Passion for the game
Looking for new ways to explore and have fun
To take on the challenge
And rise up to it
To bring others with you
Now I am horribly upset
And I don’t know how to even recover
Life feels empty and all I feel is hatred
All I want to do is make her feel pain
Nothing I cared about in life matters to me anymore
Nothing seems fun
I hate everything
I wish
She was good at the game
Was passionate
Wanted to share it with me
Wanted to teach me
Wanted to work together with me in the game
Wanted to play together
Have fun
Explore together
But all she cares about
Is using it to put other people down
It’s funny
In the beginning
She made me love this game
More than anything
Now I hate it
I had a dream she messaged me
All caps and smiling letters
Like old times
When I was a boy
My friend showed me a bush
Full of moths
He grabbed one and showed me the dust that came off its wings
I wondered
If the moth
Like me
Felt something missing
Besides the poem, I also came up with a HUGE epiphany that suddenly makes everything clear. I realized that the main reason I’m so upset is that something that I thought was a friendship was much closer to a relationship than I would admit. The cycle I’m dealing with is less of a troubled friendship but rather a single>relationship>breakup>single cycle instead.
In order to move on, I need to start thinking like someone who is single who is getting over a breakup. It’s a bit embarrassing we weren’t actually in a relationship, but who cares about stupid commitments and labels. The feelings I had were far beyond friendship and the fact that they were reciprocated made it something more.
This also gives me insight into how I behave in a relationship, I’ll break it up into two categories, single mindset and relationship mindset.
Everything makes sense now – the feeling that I have to “find myself” and get time alone was basically my understanding (at the time) of reconnecting with my single person mindset, asking her to “pull me back” was my plea at asking her to go back to our pseudo-relationship. I had a strong feeling that I needed to just process my loss of what we had instead of trying to “fix” things and now I know why. We are basically not on the same page anymore and any semblance of a relationship is gone. In fact, it’s been slipping away for some time now.
Once I am able to fully process this “breakup” I can fully reconnect as a single person.
Side thought: I think I’m probably a monogamist from this experience. I can only hold strong feelings for one person at a time.
It’s not the fact that I loved her
Or the fact she used to read my blog every morning
Or the sound of her pretty voice
Or her jokes
Her emotions
Her caring side
Her acceptance of everything about me, even the dark parts
Her deep love for me
Or her photographs
Not her neediness
Or her eagerness to please me
What makes me cry
Is thinking about
How I always thought
I would be the one
To take her
Away from all the pain and suffering in her life
Hold her in my arms every night
Give her a space to heal and blossom
I thought I would be the one
To save her
But I’m not
That
Makes me cry