Every time I am afraid
I feel confused and helpless
I ask myself
What should I do?
My mom told me what I should do
My dad told me what I should do
But maybe I outgrow their voices in my head
Maybe they become possibilities
Of what I could do
Maybe what I needed from my mom and dad
When I was confused
Is the space to self soothe
A safe place to feel the confusion
So the path would become clear to me
Last night I tried to go to Judo Club for the first time but they were closed for Thanksgiving.
The thing that I wanted to understand the most is why I have this feeling every time I want to leave my house, that I don’t want to go. I always want to live a life of adventure but I’m beginning to suspect that is because I never leave.
So let me try to break it down. The thoughts that come to my head when I think about venturing out:
And these types of thoughts are also pervasive when I think about doing anything. Shopping, trying to make friends, or eating out. I don’t want to do anything.
I want someone that I know who is also game, but at the same time I don’t want to bring the wrong person who I don’t trust or feel safe around.
It does help to have my audiobook so at least when I drive I can get some escape into a cool and interesting world.
I think I feel very alone in this world. I think I now understand why I always push my gf to be more ambitious or wish that she was. It’s because then I would feel less alone.
But there is a good reason for going outside and experiencing life. I always want to feel anything is possible, to feel alive and connected to the world. To take risks and grow as a person. I suppose the counter to that is just feeling that the world feels too unsafe and like it will not understand me or give me what I need. At home, I have my games and friends and it feels nice and comforting.
Audiobooks are almost a way for me to self-soothe outside my house.
In a way, youtube and social media make sense too. It is like having a friend who you can tell things to when you feel alone outside filming or going on adventures.
I want to accept my loneliness. The first thing that comes to my mind is to turn my loneliness into art.
As I slowly process, I start to think about how I can slowly start branching out by staying in my apartment complex but leaving my actual apartment.
I understand why people find solace in religion. I really feel that I need a group of people who are seeking to do the same thing as me. To do things in life. To have the same values and philosophies. Not just share the same favorite TV shows. I have a friend who is Christian and I envy his options in having those deep connections. It just doesn’t feel right to me, because I don’t believe in that faith.
I am almost seeking spirituality.
That is an interesting statement. I’ve always felt that was the thing that was missing from my life. I have career success, success in money and even love. It is spirituality that I’ve never embraced because I felt nothing from a lot of the types of spirituality proposed to me.
Two more things occur to me now.
First, is that I recently borrowed a book called Man’s Search for Meaning By Viktor Frankl and I will read it. It is actually funny that this book was available for me to borrow at this time (I had to put it on hold since there were no available copies when I first checked) because it is supposed to be the best book for my EXACT problem. Spirituality. Meaning. Purpose. It was written by a Holocaust survivor.
The second thing that occurs to me is that I used to do a lot of work to change the world. It’s been a long time since I have done that sort of thing, but I think it really gave me something of what I need right now. I think that’s why I love coaching so much. It fills many needs, but one of the needs is for doing something that is changing the world for the better.
That’s it for now I suppose. I will go read that book now (or listen to it, since I got the audiobook version).
It is funny because I said no today to the real Profit in Peace challenge today to say yes to my own personal challenge that I created for myself. Today he had a bunch of giveaways and gave away a product for $1 but I realized that it is going to take too much of my attention away. I don’t even want it for $1, maybe not even for free.
I’m very stressed today for all the stuff I have to do for work, I’m very proud of myself for finding a really awesome amazing transition from work to gaming last night and always having a good peaceful nighttime, it is what I always wanted and I finally got it.
Today I need to post my update for the knee challenge, already have it recorded, but need to post it.
I also need to kick off things for the French challenge. No idea how that is going to go.
Finally, the Profit in Peace challenge sparked something in me. I realized that I bought Alex Hormozi’s book $100 Million Leads which will be SUPER helpful in building my coaching practice…actually will help me in my overall career as well. I think there is some super valuable information in there.
On top of that, now that I’m thinking of it, I have some other really good books for business and sales and coaching, Sell Like Crazy by Sabri Subi and The Prosperous Coach by Steve Chandler.
Lots of interesting things going on. I feel like really much more in balance than I have been in a long time.
Routine-wise, I’m better than I’ve ever been. I have a routine working hours, good bedtime, great winddown time, and a great morning routine. I’m keeping up with the breathing and I love yous and it is going great.
I suppose that only thing that I want more of is more friends and interactions outside myself.
Perhaps it will help when I get more time in the morning. Today I will really try to do some work outside of my apartment even if it isn’t in the morning.
I Only Felt That Way Once
In the tiktok video
She was aggressively stating “shoulds”
The enemy of “is”
But one stood out to me
If you fall in love, you’re partner is the most beautiful one in the world to you
But I only felt that once
I used to think that meant I was in love
But I wonder
Was that love
Or just the honeymoon phase when you see
All the things you want to see
Yet there was a magic there I miss
Of not feeling anxious for a single moment
And I wonder what it would be like to feel like that
Maybe I will feel it when I fully embrace the anxiety
Feeling of frustration
Of shame
I don’t know
I just feel
Doubt
I was standing in the morning
And jumped in place
When I heard her come down the stairs
She was going to catch me
Wasting time
She told me to do exercises
But I wanted to focus on my breathing
Stare into space
Feel my thoughts
I had to bring reasons
Like armor
To defend myself against her assault
Wash your clothes
Go outside and exercise
Take a nap
Or the screaming
Rejection comes next
Anger
Chaos
Danger
Like a time bomb
Set off by too many times
I didn’t give a reason to her
That I knew what I was doing
In my room writing this down
I await the assault
And brace myself with a list of explanations
Of why I’m up here
I’ve been feeling quite down and unhappy recently.
I’ve decided after some meditation, journaling, and deep breathing that I want to focus back on the basics.
Here are the basics I already covered:
Basics I want to further incorporate:
I’ve been processing the rejections in my previous post and I wanted to write a poem:
She Stared at Me
I remember the times when they just stared at me
As if they were surprised that I would even dare to ask
The girl in art history class
In the library
On the bus
That stare
Then that feeling I was reaching
For empty air
Something that didn’t exist
The feeling of people watching
Seeing me fail
Yet now I think about it
I was quite brave
I am a brave person
Willing to take the risk
I often didn’t believe in what I was doing
When I was trying to pick up girls
But now
With my career dreams
I do
Isn’t that worth a few stares?
Don’t I get the opportunity to shock
People out of their square lives
Square thoughts
Into my world?
I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m feeling tired lonely and unmotivated.
Feeling into more my feelings, I feel exhausted. Probably need to just hang for a bit.
I went to go hang for a bit and I feel a little better. However, I still feel pretty tired.
One thing that I want to point out is that I at least slept much better last night than previous nights and was able to go to sleep around 1 am instead of 2 or 4.
One of the things that I’ve been struggling with is mewing. Just like last time, I think I don’t know what to do with my jaw. I’m thinking I will focus on keeping the tongue in the top of my mouth and a good posture and not worry about closing my jaw because that feels uncomfortable (and for some reason my mouth gets really dry).
I’m trying to get back into my coaching mindset:
Well I got an artist interview in about 6 minutes, but after that, I want to go somewhere fun and write about the artist interviews as well as compile my notes.