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I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

Byjack
I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

I was standing in the morning

And jumped in place

When I heard her come down the stairs

She was going to catch me

Wasting time

She told me to do exercises

But I wanted to focus on my breathing

Stare into space

Feel my thoughts

I had to bring reasons

Like armor

To defend myself against her assault

Wash your clothes

Go outside and exercise

Take a nap

Or the screaming

Rejection comes next

Anger

Chaos

Danger

Like a time bomb

Set off by too many times 

I didn’t give a reason to her

That I knew what I was doing

In my room writing this down

I await the assault

And brace myself with a list of explanations

Of why I’m up here

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Workpost 33: At the End of My Rope

Byjack

I feel pretty awful. I’ve lost focus in work. I feel overwhelmed and unhappy. Every day I stay up late at night. The only solace I find is in games. Everything that I wanted to do now feels like things I have to do.

I struggle to regain the mentality that I use for these workposts.

I guess I feel extremely tired and depressed.

There are a couple of things that filter through the haze that I’m feeling:

  1. I want to find a way to post on LinkedIn again. That is the one thing I want to work on achieving.
  2. This new idea in taichi, and breathwork. To receive what is coming instead of taking. To allow things to come to me. To receive breath instead of taking it. To receive emotions, purpose, and understanding, instead of creating it. I feel this is the essence of patience.
  3. To be curious. I want to do more IFS therapy, but I feel overwhelmed by it. Too much thinking about thinking that is too cerebral, non-intuitive, and downright frustrating. However, we can take the core concept of IFS – the concept of creativity. Ask how do I feel? What do I need? Why do I feel that way.

It’s not been all lost I suppose. There was something I worked through recently – two people that I am jealous of. One who went to Harvard and ended up starting a successful youtube channel, and another who worked on my software company before leaving and getting big on youtube for his music, and is now a famous musician.

In speaking with my friend Edgar about this I came up with the following concepts to remind myself in times of jealousy:

  1. How do I want to succeed my way? The issue with a lot of these people is that they got successful in things that I want to succeed in, but not in the way that I want to succeed. There is great value in succeed in the way I want to succeed.
  2. Hardship creates growth. Success isn’t the end goal, success just leads to creating more challenges for yourself to work through. The ones who go down the harder path to begin with will still succeed but will be more complete when they do.
  3. Is my goal to succeed a little in the short term? Or is the goal much bigger? This is the concept that if I want to gain one rank in Valorant, the outcome of a match matters (because my elo will be impacted directly). If my goal is to get to radiant (the highest rank), one loss in the scale of a huge journey is not significant.

Finally, I’ve put off doing a LinkedIn post for far too long.

Let’s tackle the steps:

  1. Answer a list of questions in a letter to my girlfriend.
  2. Come up with a research plan and timebox it.
  3. Timebox getting everything “on the canvas”, move very fast, get messy, take big risks, keep going until it coalesces into what the art wants to be
  4. Break to do other things, view work from different angles
  5. Put on strategic hat to finish

Questions to ask myself (step 1):

  1. What my vision for the ideal post?
  2. What am I worried about and feel uncomfortable by?
  3. What do I want to learn when creating this post?

Strategic Hat

  • See the work as something in itself, not just as a manifestation of my ideas
  • Put on creative hat, check: is there some feeling here, is there some beauty, fun?
  • Put on producer hat, check: if this was a work created by one of my clients, how would I promote it? If it was done by my brother?

*One Big Thing I Noticed*

It’s a lot easier for me to be motivated to workout than to work. Plan workout sessions for the entire day and bring work to do during those times. If no work gets done, I am still being productive and will be healthier, guaranteeing better work in the future.

Workpost 43: Resilience (17 Questions)

Byjack

My questions:

  1. How to find a good business partner?
  2. How to live an entrepreneur/unemployed life?
  3. How to approach taxes as an entrepreneur?
  4. How to approach risk?
  5. How to build a support system?
  6. How to handle rejection?
  7. How to approach financial risk in a smart way?
  8. How to rebuild from nothing?
  9. How to deal with people looking down on you?
  10. How to get hired/search for a job?
  11. How to turn off work?
  12. How to minimize work effort/stress/inefficiency?
  13. How to process awkwardness?
  14. What are different selling methods?
  15. How to sell in a way that I feel myself?
  16. How to gain from/work with/ benefit from the American system?
  17. How can I be more resilient?

My intuitive answers to the questions:

How to find a good business partner?

  • Write down what the ideal business is like
  • Imagine all your favorite parts
  • Imagine all the parts you need help with
  • Write down your values
  • Think about where a person like this (values + good in the areas you are weak + interest in your business area) would like to do/hangs out
  • Ask close friends if they know someone like this

How to live an entrepreneur/unemployed life?

  • They are different questions
  • For the entrepreneur
    • Without a company, you need to build a company around you
    • Need to hire help/services to help automate different parts of life
  • For the unemployed
    • Now is the time to look for help
    • Look into government assistance, help from family and friends
  • To decide which one you are:
    • Unemployed when you no longer have ability to make money
    • If you have savings + some cashflow you are an entrepreneur
    • If you have no savings and negative cashflow, you are unemployed
    • You can be an entrepreneur and still work a job to increase your cashflow

How to approach taxes as an entrepreneur?

  • Find a CPA that has experience working with entrepreneurs

How to approach risk?

  • Risk is actually really simple
  • Risk value = probability of success x value of success
  • The higher the risk value, the more worth the risk, compare that with the resources the risk requires 

How to build a support system?

  • The easiest way are people who want to live in a similar world as you do
  • People who’s goals align with yours
  • The easiest way to ascertain this is just to ask people
  • You can also try to go to places that are included in your vision for what type of world you want to live in

How to handle rejection?

  • Repair the ways in which you rejected yourself

How to approach financial risk in a smart way?

  • Get good at estimating risk value and investment
  • If the risk value is $100,000, and the investment is $90,000 then the risk is likely worth it
  • If the risk value is $100,000 and the investment is $10,000 then the risk is definitely worth it

How to rebuild from nothing?

  • Know your strengths
  • Know what people want
  • Sell yourself

How to deal with people looking down on you?

  • Repair the ways other people have looked down on your in the past

How to get hired/search for a job?

  • Think about the jobs that will be easiest for you to get
  • Based on the interviews and discussions, adjust closer to what makes you happy

How to turn off work?

  • Create a viable plan for when pending work will be addressed
  • Write down the plan and execute when you are ready

How to minimize work effort/stress/inefficiency?

  • Focus on creating clarity at all times on what is expected and when
  • Set boundaries around respect and time
  • Make sure that the goals are specific and small enough to complete one at a time

How to process awkwardness?

  • Find reasons why awkwardness is a good thing

What are different selling methods?

  • Relationships sales – they like you
  • Technical sales – they like the technology
  • Pressure sales – they don’t want to say no
  • Trust sales – they trust you

How to sell in a way that I feel myself?

  • Trust sales + technical sales sounds most like me

How to gain from/work with/ benefit from the American system?

  • Sell to the rich
  • Hire people who are good at what they do
  • Outsource tedious stuff to other countries or AI

How can I be more resilient?

  • Spend time getting up when you fall
  • Specifically focus time and effort on healing from painful experiences
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Knee Challenge: Looking Ahead

Byjack

I completed my knee challenge in terms of going hiking in Zion national park. I felt like I succeeded in a big way but still have a long way to go in terms of getting where I need to go.

What is next for me? I know in the long term, I want to be very physically active. I want to be able to practice martial arts, do a little parkour and gymnastics. I know it will take a lot of effort and time to get there and it feels quite overwhelming for me.

I’m going to set a few large goals and then look at some of the very short term goals getting there.

2 year goal – the ability to practice martial arts, parkour gymnastics and skiing. My goal isn’t to go too hard in any of these areas, just to be able to do them safely.

1 year goal – to get back to preinjury levels

1 month goal – be able to sleep, walk, stand and light exercise with zero discomfort. I will call this goal little freedom.

I don’t really know what the next step in my process is. It feels too soon to set a schedule yet.

I just want to slowly rest and explore for now.

My feelings are that challenge videos make for really good productivity but I need to slow down sometimes and feel the feelings.

Maybe I will write a poem:

Creaky Knees

When I bend my knee

It feels like I’m grinding

Hinges made of old stone

Like the kind in movies

That open secret magical passages

And grate against themselves

I say that I want to be able to do martial arts again

But the truth is

I don’t know what I want

I am afraid to dream again

Of a world where I can be active

I’m so used to being scared

Of clutching my knee close

So as not to hurt it

I feel like I’m too old to have these dreams anymore

Of flying

Like I did when I wanted to learn parkour

Everything scares me

I feel that

I need to understand this part of myself first

Listen to what it wants to say

“Everything is a danger”

It tells me

The protector of my knee

Of my body

It feels safe to not move at all

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Workspace 22: Relax

Byjack

I had a slower start to the day. I started the day on my phone, waking up a bit early because my new retainer is bothering me when I sleep.

I watched some Valorant, talked to my girlfriend, and now I have a flight in about 3 hours. I want to leave in about 2 hours. I still have to take out the trash, eat up some more food and load the dishwasher.

I did a bit of a workout and I found out a couple of things that help with regaining energy, and gathering chi:

  1. Butt-clenched breathing: sounds a bit weird but it works. Lie down, clench the sphincter muscle (what you use to hold in poop) breath in. Then relax and breathe out. Repeat.
  2. Tummy circles: put the left hand over your stomach, then your right hand over that. Make circles over your stomach in the clockwise direction. Do it lightly. Then put your hands in the same area in your back and repeat.
  3. Extremity exercises: this can be any exercise that works your extremities. For example, doing a dead hang and focusing on clenching really hard with your hands but leaving everything else relaxed, or doing heel raises with the tips of your toes super engaged with everything else relaxed.
  4. Meditation: lie down close your eyes and walk down a staircase while counting to 10. Imagine the smell of wet stone, always puts me in a meditative state really quick for some reason.

Anyway goals for today. Just relax! I want to get all the chores sorted out and just spend the rest of my time relaxing.

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My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard

Byjack
My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard

As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams

I was so caught up in listening to his objections

And explaining to him how it would be successful

I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive

I forget to tell it to him in a way

That he wouldn’t respond with judgement

And disgust

As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap

Not the energy

That created the great figures

He admires so much

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Profit in Peace 13: Peace Disrupted Again

Byjack

My peace is disrupted, again. Today I have to get up even earlier and start preparation for work even earlier because I have to travel, and get on the plane for an early morning flight.

I am frustrated because of the complete stinginess in the finances, I have a lot of stress in terms of asking for a better setup such as traveling the day beforehand.

As a result, I didn’t sleep very well (if at all), and now feel tired and stressed.

I have a couple of things working in favor today though:

  • Because I woke up at 4:30 for a flight that boards at 6:40, I do have some nice free time in the morning where I can spend on myself and reconnecting with myself
  • I get to do my favorite thing of sleeping on the plane

Howling Winds in My Heart

I feel the howling winds

In my heart

The internal blizzard

Unforgiving

Being buried my a mountain

Of worry

The pain of the winds

In my ears

Today I did this. I felt much better afterwards, especially after the breaths. Those are really important as I discovered with the Bea Mackay and Wim Hoff methods. Saying the “I Love You” felt strange, especially since I’ve been feeling that I don’t like my face recently, just thinking I gained too much weight, but saying them I think I did feel the anxiety go away and I feel much more at peace, less stressed about work and everything.

In fact, I feel like going back to sleep.