|

I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

Byjack
I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

I was standing in the morning

And jumped in place

When I heard her come down the stairs

She was going to catch me

Wasting time

She told me to do exercises

But I wanted to focus on my breathing

Stare into space

Feel my thoughts

I had to bring reasons

Like armor

To defend myself against her assault

Wash your clothes

Go outside and exercise

Take a nap

Or the screaming

Rejection comes next

Anger

Chaos

Danger

Like a time bomb

Set off by too many times 

I didn’t give a reason to her

That I knew what I was doing

In my room writing this down

I await the assault

And brace myself with a list of explanations

Of why I’m up here

Similar Posts

|

Warmth

Byjack
Warmth

I feel the warmth in my skin

As if she is with me

Safe and soft

I love her

Because yesterday

She made me feel safe

She made me feel close

She made feel like she belonged to me

There are so many worries

So many challenges

Some caused by me

Some caused by her

And some caused by no one

Just by our circumstances

But when I feel her close

My heart feels like it wants to fly

And I feel

Warm

|

Snuggles

Byjack

Snuggles

I snuggle next to my little sloth

Her bright eyes shining at me

Laughter across her face

I feel the soft warmth of her

All around me when I kiss her cheek

She smells good

It’s nice to be held in her arms

Workspace 47: Goals for Today

Byjack
  1. Come up with my strategy for door-to-door sales*
  2. Finish website for coaching*
  3. Work on personal development and my relationship
  4. Work on my left knee
  5. Research who to hire for viral video*
  6. Research conferences for art coaching
  7. Come up with an approach for AI consulting company*
  8. Fix DBA paperwork*
  9. Figure out financial strategy for businesses*

Final selection:

  1. Come up with an approach for AI consulting company
  2. Figure out financial strategy for businesses
  3. Come up with my strategy for door-to-door sales
|

Workspace 21: Be the Underdog

Byjack

I’ve been thinking more about rejection and working through some of my thoughts with it.

I want people to validate me to feel confident being myself. But validation and confidence are completely different.

Confidence is all about being ok with not getting other’s approval and validation, being ok with not being the strongest, the smartest, the most attractive. I want to find a way to let go of seeking approval from everyone. That is seriously holding me back.

The first thing I realized is that I need to be clear about what I value outside of approval.

I love solving difficult problems. I love learning, growing, and improving myself. I love creating. I love meeting new people and connecting with those people on a deep level. I love consuming art and music, writing and dance.

Being rejected doesn’t stop me from pursuing those things. In fact, people who reject me might realize my path is one they admire and want to follow.

The second thing I realized is that I can use rejection as motivation. It’s just a challenge to my ego. It makes me stronger.

I don’t want anything handed to me. The hero has the slay the dragon. I want to be the underdog, and I strive for greatness.

I’m Not Ashamed That I Loved Her

Byjack

She told me that I would have been ashamed to tell my family or my therapist. But it wasn’t true. It wasn’t true because I would have explained that I loved her.

I loved her when she told me that when I left she cried for so long she threw up. I knew then she must have seen something special in me just like I saw something special in her.

I loved her when she made me laugh and smile at the stupidest things. I loved her when we would banter back and forth with insults.

I loved her when she told me that I needed to tell her when I got to my hotel late in California because she was scared she would lose me.

I loved her when she sent me a playlist of songs, beautiful songs, handpicked by her.

I loved her when she tried. Even when I made her uncomfortable. Even when I was mad at her.

I loved her when she was tired and would open up about the things in her life that troubled her. Things about her family. Things about her life.

I loved her when she told me she read my blog every morning.

I loved her when I was needy. So annoyingly needy,  but she was nothing but caring and reassuring.

I loved her when she would ask me why I was ignoring her, if I was driving and couldn’t respond right away.

I loved her when I came back from a meeting and would find so many messages from her, like gifts waiting to be opened.

I loved her when we used to talk on the phone for hours, and it never felt longer than a few minutes.

I loved her intelligence, her passion, her humor, her taste in music, her compassion and warmth, her emotions, her feminine side. She understood everything I said to her. Whether it was a dumb joke or my life philosophy. She had a deep emotional intelligence. She knew when she was avoiding the truth and what the truth was. She was immature at times. She gave up easily. She was self-destructive. She preferred to avoid her problems instead of dealing with them. She liked distractions. She was vindictive when she was angry. She liked to cry. She was embarrassed easily. I loved her for all of that.

 

She tells me now everything was a lie. What a beautiful lie to love.

Workpost 10: Shortpost

Byjack

Today I want to write a short post because I want to strike a better balance today between work and indulgence, between freedom and routine.

Yesterday I did have fun, but my need for productivity left me feeling stressed because I didn’t get much done. At the same time, I want to fully enjoy what I did yesterday which was play and watch a lot of Valorant.

If I’m able to do that, go outside and be more active, as well as go to sleep at a good nice, I’ll be pretty happy.

Right now, I feel like shit cuz I went to bed at 1am but that’s ok…I needed to unwind a bit!

So this is going to be a short post because I’m gonna get started with work right away. I want to get enough work done, that I can start trying out this working while walking outside and going to the gym and working on art.

I did this yesterday for a very little time and it was absolutely awesome. I drove to go get food and while I was walking I was asking chatgpt about a coding problem I had and thinking about it.

It felt really good. Productive, free, and fun! Now I need to take that code, implement it, make it work so I can be active again and solve the next piece of the puzzle.