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The Darkest Night
The Darkest Night
Ice fills my heart
When I think of the darkest night
Darkness
Drunk confusion
Was it worth it
To take the soft girl
And break her soul
That night
Leave her
Exposed
Vignette on the bed like a polaroid
Did you grin and smile
Lamplight on your face
On the parking lot
Beer in hand
While your friends
Moved on to the next party
In this poem I’m letting myself feel and process feelings of deep shock, dissociation, anger, fear, visceral graphic-ness and endless night.
Thoughts From the Conference
It’s been a few days since I last wrote in this blog. I sometimes, I feel like I’m pushing a heavy bounder up the hill when I write. But I decided today I’m going to work through that and deliver something special. I remembered something that inspired me today. Writing isn’t about putting words together, it’s about clear thinking. And I love clear thinking.
Today, I was at the CLIO conference. CLIO is a software that law offices use.
During their keynote, author James Clear gave a speech about his bestselling book, Atomic Habits.



He said a lot of things I already knew like that fact that forming habits are about creating small triggers for bigger actions (like putting on your shoes is the habit for running) and that powerful habits that are about who you want to become instead of achieving goals.
However, there is one new thing that stuck me.
He said that your physical space determines how successful your habits are. Look at the spaces that you are in for most of the day and that will tell you a lot about what habits are.
I want to institute these new habits:
- Meditate more
- Journal every night
- Involve more people into my work
- Create more videos
And here is how I plan to implement them:
- Meditate
- Atomic habit: Put on my mask, lay down on my couch, and turn on shamanic drumming
- Changing my physical space: Place an eyemask next to my couch
- Journal
- Atomic habit: Write the date, and the words wins and worries
- Changing my physical space: Using pillow in my lap to write
- People
- Atomic habit: When I have a big project write down people’s name who I can ask for help
- Changing my physical space: Keep space clean enough for guests
- Videos
- Atomic habit: Set up the camera
- Changing physical space: Create multiple shoot locations in apartment
In other news, the CLIO conference was so good for business. Everyone was friendly, looking to network. We had so many good conversions and met a lot of potential customers and partners. Some thoughts:
- When people are at the top 1% of success, they tend to be far more relaxed and composed about success. They aren’t in a rush for a quick win. In that way, they may already be winning.
- A huge part of marketing, partnerships, and sales is about finding the right place to find the right people who want to work with you. Something I think about my coaching business is where might that be?
What She Saw In Me
What She Saw In Me
I saw a video today
About how we should love ourselves
For things
The people we love
Saw in us
She loved my appearance
Thought I was handsome
I’ll indulge in my appearance
Feel proud
Groom myself
She loved my intelligence
I’ll indulge in that
Try to decipher
The world’s problems
She loved me for my emotions
I’ll indulge in that
Seek to find emotion
In art
In myself
In other people
She loved me for my skill
I’ll indulge in that
Not being afraid
To take the game
To new levels
She loved my laugh
I’ll indulge in that
Surround me with humor
She loved me because she understood me
I’ll indulge in that
Confide in her
Confide in people who get me
She loved me because I needed her
I’ll indulge in that
Seek to be taken care of
To be cared for
We Played A Game
We Played A Game
The other day
We played a game
It had butterflies in it
My heart felt like a butterfly then
Light in my chest
Now it feels more like the stones
I picked off the ground
Heavy
And painful
As if I swallowed it
And it got stuck
Halfway down
We joked about her being a housewife
I would like that
To put everything that stresses her out
Safety away
And the only thing she would have to worry about
Is me
My desires
And the hunger I have
Like a fire
So ravenous, it threatens to take us both
We could take care of each other
Like in the game
But life isn’t a game
It’s not enough to just don’t starve
You have to forge your path through life
Create the road you walk on
I would be happy to be her home
Her comfort
If she could just find her way to me
In The Wreckage
In The Wreckage
As I sit in the wreckage of my life
The pieces, strewn about the floor around my feet
I wonder
Has she read my messages
Does she now know
That it was all a misunderstanding
And that only by leaving
Did I finally draw out the truth
That could have prevented everything
I wonder what will happen next
And how I can stand up again
When all I want to do
Is lie on the ground
Curled up
Like a hibernating bear
Waiting for the summer
Workpost 3: Pleasant Uncertainty
Today I feel a bit like there is a lot of uncertainty. There is uncertainty with my coaching business and with my career as an AI consultant, but there are also lots of opportunities moving forward.
I want to strive to move forwards and not start to distract myself from the emotions via games and videos.
The first thing I want to tackle is sleep. That is my main priority today. I want to understand why I feel unfulfilled at night, like something wasn’t quite done.
My intuition tells me that I desire to create art. I don’t know why.
Perhaps my first step is to start working on art at 9:30 PM.
Before that I want to achieve something in Valorant, so I will need to do some gaming earlier in the day.
I also desire to work on myself more, I think it really helps to think about emotional development as work. When I think about it as vulnerability, it feels not productive. But when I think of it as emotional work, it takes on new meaning and purpose.
Ok so lets take a look at my two projects right now:
So for my AI Consulting plan, I want to stick to the plan, but the timeline has changed a bit.
I wanted this current goal (Be known, give preview of consulting) to finish by Feb 27th. That leaves 7 days to film, shoot, edit and get feedback.
UNIT ONE (ends 23rd): Shoot 3 videos
- Spend total of 3 hours per video (9 hours total)
UNIT TWO (ends 24th): Write 2 LinkedIn posts
- Spend total of 1.5 hrs per post (3 hrs total)
UNIT THREE (ends 26th): Get feedback, harden process
Looking at my goal for art coaching, I feel dissatisfied with my current structure on process for that. I feel I need to work on finding more ambitious and exciting goals at every step of the way (even if I have a lot of time to get there). I realized in order for the syllabus method to work, you need to have very ambitious exciting goal…then think about how to make it difficult to expect anything other than success.
So let’s revisit the master plan here.
Goal: Ramp up to an income of 8333 per month (100k per year) within one year
I want to choose a new goal…make 1500 per week in coaching.
I want to achieve this within the next 3 months.
UNIT ONE (1 month): Focus on my craft – become a coach I would hire for 1000 per month
- Create plans (10 days, ends March 2nd)
- Deeply understanding clients
- Creating extreme focus and presence in life and sessions
- Developing connections clients need
- Materials and exercises to create and track strategy
- Execute on plans (10 days, ends March 12th)
- Research and refinement (10 days, ends March 22nd)
- Interview other coaches
- Read books
- Further brainstorming
UNIT TWO (1 month): Build 100 hot leads – depends on having free stuff
- Random try posting (10 days, ends April 1st)
- Get feedback and do networking and outreach (10 days, ends April 11th)
- Turn warm leads into hot leads with offer (10 days, ends April 21st)
UNIT THREE (1 month): Meld and combine top level coaching with leads machine
- Talk about my clients achievements, use it to push their art (10 days, ends May 1st)
- Clients have voice on my platform to talk about concepts in my coaching (10 days, ends May 11th)
- Refine call for action to get warm leads to ask for my offer, then turn into hot leads (10 days, ends May 21st)
Okok, I finally have a good framework, but working on this framework makes me realize I really do need to work on free products in the meantime.
Goal: Create free products in 1 month
UNIT ONE (10 days, ends March 2nd): Complete research
- Transcribe and think, what is the million dollar problem or breakthrough?
- Collate results, come up with solutions
- Research competition
UNIT TWO (10 days, ends March 12th): Develop products
- Planning and gathering materials doing research
- Create products
UNIT THREE (10 days, ends March 22nd): Continue development
- Testing and creating more products