I am completely confused and upset by how this girl that I play Valorant went from having so much fun to always getting annoyed and mad.
Facts that I know:
Used to beg me to play constantly, only stopped because I was too busy with work so I said no all the time
Used to laugh and think I was very funny in games
At first, was resistant to smurfing, but after she was convinced, had a ton of fun trolling on smurfs including doing frenzy only challenge
Used to be afraid to talk in voice chat, only talked to me
Spent all her time talking to me on Valorant and ignored her relationship because of how much she liked playing with me
She used to be my favorite person to play with for several months:
Was always fun and chill
Could make jokes or talk about deep stuff
Made me feel special because she only wanted to play with me
Would actually listen to strats unlike some girls who would get defensive when given any feedback
Was very smart and improved a great deal in the time we played
However, somehow, after months of having lots and lots of fun, everything has taken a dramatic turn:
Gets annoyed when she isn’t doing well and takes the game very seriously
Gets annoyed when I’m taking the game too seriously but also gets mad when I goof off
Wants everyone to be mean and toxic yet gets upset when people are toxic back
Is mad when I’m goofing off and think I’m somehow trying very hard to be funny
Claims that unrated it doesn’t matter if she wins or loses but gets mad when she loses
Claims smurfs don’t matter but somehow gets mad when she loses on a smurf
Somehow is able to have fun with other people and refuses to play with me now
Cannot seem to remember any of our happy times and insists that she never had fun
Some factors that I think may contribute:
May have been taught by someone that being slow and boring is a very bad thing, seems to be overly concerned with it and projects onto other people
May feel a really strong pressure to do well, seemed to take the game extremely seriously after her friend started playing on it
May also feel a great deal of pressure to play well and be less toxic around me because she wants it to work out, the pressure may cause her to do worse, and be even more toxic
May feel a sense of superiority or arrogance? When we first started playing, she kept telling me she was afraid I would stop playing with her because she was lower elo than me. I never did, but always wondered if she would stop playing with me if she got better than me.
Altogether I can’t really make sense of this phenomenon and it does bother me a great deal. I suppose on some level I must accept that something about Valorant and playing with me triggers her in some deep way and that I shouldn’t let that stop me from having fun. It does make me sad that things have changed so dramatically and I lost my favorite Valorant buddy.
Valorant has become significantly less fun for me now. It almost feels like work, instead of a game that I loved. There was a period of time when I was playing with her that I truly let go of the need to win and actually just had fun. I don’t know what I need to do to get that feeling back. I hope she finds a way to have fun as well, but it breaks my heart that it isn’t with me.
This is definitely one of the most difficult challenges I’ve undergone in a while.
I’ve tried a couple of things and I feel frustrated.
The Reaching for the Untouchable
The frustration
The reaching in my heart
Is getting to me
Reaching for the untouchable
I wonder if I will ever know
The doubt creeps
I seek to know
And when I rush there
There is still nothing
Frustration in my chest
Like a roar that wants to escape
But is trapped behind bars
I have created multiple messages to my girlfriend in French, multiple times I’ve tried to imitate. I feel like imitation is the key, but I grow tired of seeing no results. I feel tired and frustrated.
I feel angry and unhappy.
I suspect failure is such a hard thing for me to grasp. It is such a tough pill to swallow.
I saw a video with a lot of potential:
It is about learning jiujitsu really fast. But really it is about learning. He talks about many ideas in the video, ideas that I’ve myself considered. Ideas that I think are pretty profound and helpful:
Performance vs. growth
Train in the gym to fail – growth
Compete to win – performance
Form to leave form
Repetition until it is second nature
Turn something thought into something intuitive
Smaller circles
Reduce something from intuition to a conscious idea
Look for different ways to apply it
He mentions some really interesting sounding books:
The Art of Learning: An Inner Journey to Optimal Performance by Josh Waitzkin
The Will to Keep Winning by Daigo Umehara
Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment by George Leonard
Anyway, I feel if I were to embrace my fear of failure, I need to meditate on it, but also come up with a plan.
I first want to come up with the plan to train From to Leave Form…and be repetitive about the most common words in French, say them until they are second nature.
So what are the top most common 10 words in French:
Oui: Yes
Non: No
Merci: Thank you
Je: I
Tu/vous: You
Le/la/les: The
Un, une des: A, an, and some
Le/la/les: It, them
Et: And
Mais: But
Bonjour: A general greeting meaning “hello” or “good morning”
Au revoir: Goodbye
Salut: Hello
Amour: Love
Bonheur: Happiness
Chat: Cat
Chien: Dog
But these words are too basic. What about the top 10 most common phrases?
Bonjour: Means “hello” or “good morning”.
Merci: Means “thank you”.
S’il vous plaît: Means “please”.
Ça va?: Means “how are you?” .
Je ne sais pas: Means “I don’t know”.
Parlez-vous anglais?: Means “Do you speak English?” .
Bienvenue: Means “welcome”.
Madame/Monsieur/Mademoiselle: Means “Mrs.”, “Mr.”, or “Miss”.
Anchante enchante: Means “nice to meet you”.
Sava: Means “how are you”.
C’est simple comme bonjour: Means “it’s simple as hello”.
Et patati et patata: Means “and so on”.
En avoir ras-le-bol: Means “to have had enough”.
Tu m’étonnes: Means “tell me something I don’t know”.
Ok that is a little better, but what about the most common French verbs?
Aller Means “to go” and is also used to describe the near future tense. Avoir Means “to have” and is used to express possession, relationships, physical and mental states, and many other contexts. Être Means “to be” and indicates the action or state of being. Pouvoir Means “can” or “to be able to”. It’s an irregular verb like prendre or faire, belonging to the third group. Savoir Used to indicate knowledge or understanding. It can also be used in many idiomatic expressions, such as “savoir-faire” (know-how). Mettre Means “to put” but can also be used for dropping someone off somewhere, laying the table, taking time to do something, laying a carpet. Prendre Means “to take”, including “to travel” on particular forms of transport. It is also used for having meals. Venir Means “to come”, and it can be easily used to conjugate the recent past or convey the idea that you have just done something recently. Vouloir Often translated as to want and to wish in English, as its main usage is to express desires and wishes.
I want to read more about verbs in French but it is too late and I need to go to bed.
I just checked out this video from a channel my dance teacher recommended and it’s literally soo good.
Here are some of the concepts I’m taking from this:
I need to stand up much straighter and play with the levels more, instead of being hunched and looking at the floor.
I need to work on seeing where the movement goes, let the movement keep going, follow where it goes.
Start with the most comfortable posture, then develop from there.
I always am told to imagine the story but its hard for me, because I’m imagining MYSELF
I think what will work for me is imagining the world or space I’m IN (instead of visualizing myself, I visualize an imaginary box I’m in, imaginary walls).
I can also try visualizing the “gesture” of the move (kind of like a drawing gesture).
Nothing to add here. Exercises are AMAZING for musicality:
My sister and I have this joke about the empress. According to a tarrot reading, my sister needs to rely more on her “inner empress”. What does this mean? Well apparently the emperor card stands for searching out and controlling the world, while the empress waits for the world to come to her.
This actually is in line with a thought process I had myself about being yourself.
Feeling free to be yourself = happiness. Feeling like you cannot be yourself is the root of ALL unhappiness. But how to be yourself is another very difficult story.
One way is a method I like to call, “Letting the empress take the wheel”.
I have no idea how I’m going to do this today but I’m going to try. I feel so shitty about myself right now. Maybe I’ll add another core belief.
Core Wound 1: I’m not good enough (attractive physically and personality-wise)
Evidence to the contrary (I am good enough):
Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I think I look quite handsome
With online dating when I took better photos, a lot of girls liked me
When I was in college, I once hit on a girl who won a beauty pageant and she gave me her number, we flirted really hard for a few days but ended when her dad found out
When I was in art class, one of my friends told me that when he asked a bunch of girls in our class whether they would choose me or this guy called Michael, they all chose me (and said the choice was obvious) even though Michael was taller (and better looking in my opinion).
A really beautiful girl in college in my art class who I liked at first invited me to her apartment for dinner when we were flirting.
Core Wound 2: My emotions are not good and push people away
Evidence to the contrary (My emotions are good and bring people closer):
Once I was mad at my mom and I wanted to stay mad at her, but instead, I told her I was sorry and that I didn’t mean it. She told me that she knew I didn’t mean it and it was so sad and sweet. Usually, my mom is really hard and unwilling to show emotion.
I cried for the first time in a very long time recently and it helped me move on from a major heartbreak. It also brought all the men in my support group closer to me.
Being vulnerable and showing my emotions is what got me into the longest-running relationship I have ever been in. Even if it has issues, the emotions really made us close.
When I complained about being upset to my friend in my art class, she seemed to feel closer to me when she comforted me
Another friend in art class told me I was able to read her emotions very strongly. I felt so much sadness from her, I changed the subject before I would start to cry.
A co-worker from work once started crying when she opened up to me about how she didn’t seem to be able to get it right with her relationships. She is usually very emotionless but I think she opened up to me because of how accepting I am of emotions.
Core Wound 3: I am a bad person (it is my fault that I hurt people)
Evidence to the contrary (I am a good person, and it’s not always my fault people get hurt):
I’m always looking to mentor new people at my work who seem to be having trouble
I found a new career path that makes sense for someone who is lost and I really care about
I always try to give up my seat on a bus for someone who is old or injured
I’m trying to make a difference with the environment at my workplace
I stayed around to help my grandmother get to the hospital and offered to give my parents thousands of dollars to help pay for her medical costs