I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m feeling tired lonely and unmotivated.
Feeling into more my feelings, I feel exhausted. Probably need to just hang for a bit.
I went to go hang for a bit and I feel a little better. However, I still feel pretty tired.
One thing that I want to point out is that I at least slept much better last night than previous nights and was able to go to sleep around 1 am instead of 2 or 4.
One of the things that I’ve been struggling with is mewing. Just like last time, I think I don’t know what to do with my jaw. I’m thinking I will focus on keeping the tongue in the top of my mouth and a good posture and not worry about closing my jaw because that feels uncomfortable (and for some reason my mouth gets really dry).
I’m trying to get back into my coaching mindset:
You are in my house – this is a big one because I feel out of control of my life at the moment
Don’t be afraid to be silent
Take risks
Be patient
Well I got an artist interview in about 6 minutes, but after that, I want to go somewhere fun and write about the artist interviews as well as compile my notes.
Need to operate on a meditative state and trust strong intuition in order to reduce brain effort
Warmup felt a bit unfocused, maybe want to try specific thinking strategies, especially involving exercise
I have a bit of a headache now, but I don’t think it is because of the way I worked, I think it’s because of how tired I am, maybe need more rest + exercise, would like to try with a more exercise heavy strategy.
Felt like MUCH longer than an hour, felt like I have been working for 3 hours.
Result Calculation:
How much do I think this work is worth? I feel this work was worth maybe $200-$300. Rather tedious coding type work.
How difficult intellectually was this work from 1-10? Maybe a 7.
What percentile do I place this work in terms of innovation? 30% percentile
Gains in communication and charisma? A little since I am making the code more readable and clear.
Match 2
Reflections:
A lot less tension, with additional movement and breathing
Still trying to get my mind to cut through problems like a knife through butter, not sure how
Also felt like I was working for hours
Result Calculation:
How much do I think this work is worth? I feel this work was worth maybe $150-$200. Lots of grooming, project management, some architecture, some coding.
How difficult intellectually was this work from 1-10? About a 7. Maybe 8. Grueling but not that difficult.
What percentile do I place this work in terms of innovation? 40% percentile. Not that innovative but definitely clever and requires some knowledge and experience.
Gains in communication and charisma? Definitely helped make my flow much more clear. Will help with communication in the future.
Today I feel tired. My kidneys ache. They feel bloated and stagnated. My stomach feels slow. My head iches on the top. My eyes are dry. I feel burning inflammation up my back and spine. My skin is flaking on my face.
These past few days have felt exhausting, extremely stressful, and demoralizing. Last night, I asked myself the question, how do I get out of this.
I didn’t know the answer then, but my answer today during my walk was to take my stress seriously.
And just now, I had a realization that I have the systems developed to do extraordinary things. I just need to utilize them and follow their principals.
Systems in place:
Daily walk to ponder questions I am stressed about
Daily workpost to grow myself, plan for greatness
Clean space to deal with stress, clean place = clean mind
Meal prep strategy for healthy cheap meals with little stress – fridge containers, tacos, lettuce wraps
Whiteboards to write strategies
Off computer working systems (working while walking, running errands, working out, eating out)
Todo list strategy – focus on one thing at a time, prioritize
Clean after working hours to transition, decompress
Crawling to get cardio in small space
Walking backwards and tibialus for knee
Hanging for shoulders and posture
Working out after and before meals for better absorption, muscle growth, and recovery
Journaling to ask myself questions at night
Walking with no effort
I have absolutely everything I need to build a life where I can do almost anything I want, achieve anything I want.
Right now, I want to focus on two things: recovery and priming
Priming are stuff like cleaning, wiping off my whiteboards, clearing out tabs, filling markers, mealprep, todo list grooming
Recovery means lots of sleep, rest, hydration, and exercise. Specifically paying attention to anytime I want to game to see if I feel stressed or uncomfortable, taking a break when that happens.
To top off this post, I want to attach something that I want to erase from my whiteboard, but want to save forever:
Reasons Why I’m Ready
I’ve developed very deep and powerful life theories (flow, connection) → these theories can give anyone direction in darkness, I forget them but they come back when I need them
When faced with pain I’ve always come out stronger (ACL) → pain is the greatest teacher
I’ve proven that I can complete hard challenges (knee, sova) → I can achieve the challenges I set my mind to
I can solve problems few people can solve (triage, nikola) → normal rules don’t apply
I’m deeply attuned to emotions (coaching, art, philosophy) → makes it much easier to connect with people
I used to walk up to girls on the street → Nothing is something I can’t handle. There is nothing that I can’t ask for
No matter how badly I fail there are people who still love me
The point is not to get there, be productive or succeed, the point is to find a meaningful problem, problems we want to solve → we will never have no problems but we can choose which problems we want to contend with
Happiness doesn’t come from acing the past but seizing the now → its never too late to be happyIt’s near too late to fix it with a degree in engineering and parents who don’t mess with me
I have lots of assets and saving and a degree in engineering and parents and a sister all with money saved
I have no idea how I’m going to do this today but I’m going to try. I feel so shitty about myself right now. Maybe I’ll add another core belief.
Core Wound 1: I’m not good enough (attractive physically and personality-wise)
Evidence to the contrary (I am good enough):
Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I think I look quite handsome
With online dating when I took better photos, a lot of girls liked me
When I was in college, I once hit on a girl who won a beauty pageant and she gave me her number, we flirted really hard for a few days but ended when her dad found out
When I was in art class, one of my friends told me that when he asked a bunch of girls in our class whether they would choose me or this guy called Michael, they all chose me (and said the choice was obvious) even though Michael was taller (and better looking in my opinion).
A really beautiful girl in college in my art class who I liked at first invited me to her apartment for dinner when we were flirting.
Core Wound 2: My emotions are not good and push people away
Evidence to the contrary (My emotions are good and bring people closer):
Once I was mad at my mom and I wanted to stay mad at her, but instead, I told her I was sorry and that I didn’t mean it. She told me that she knew I didn’t mean it and it was so sad and sweet. Usually, my mom is really hard and unwilling to show emotion.
I cried for the first time in a very long time recently and it helped me move on from a major heartbreak. It also brought all the men in my support group closer to me.
Being vulnerable and showing my emotions is what got me into the longest-running relationship I have ever been in. Even if it has issues, the emotions really made us close.
When I complained about being upset to my friend in my art class, she seemed to feel closer to me when she comforted me
Another friend in art class told me I was able to read her emotions very strongly. I felt so much sadness from her, I changed the subject before I would start to cry.
A co-worker from work once started crying when she opened up to me about how she didn’t seem to be able to get it right with her relationships. She is usually very emotionless but I think she opened up to me because of how accepting I am of emotions.
Core Wound 3: I am a bad person (it is my fault that I hurt people)
Evidence to the contrary (I am a good person, and it’s not always my fault people get hurt):
I’m always looking to mentor new people at my work who seem to be having trouble
I found a new career path that makes sense for someone who is lost and I really care about
I always try to give up my seat on a bus for someone who is old or injured
I’m trying to make a difference with the environment at my workplace
I stayed around to help my grandmother get to the hospital and offered to give my parents thousands of dollars to help pay for her medical costs
I don’t know exactly if this is a core wound, but I strongly believe that I am responsible for people’s emotions and that I am a bad person.
In order to process this (a rebalance my emotions), I am going to focus on a time when I hurt someone and focus on the part right before it so I can remember that there is a good reason for doing what I did and perhaps have a little more compassion for myself.
Yesterday I was vlogging a guy \asked me if I was a YouTuber, and he asked me all these questions like what my channel was about and how many subscribers I had.
I felt REALLY self-conscious because I AM a YouTuber, but not a famous or successful one and I feel like I’m disappointing people when I tell them that I have three hundred subs. I realized a few things when I felt the feelings of shame:
People LOVE the idea of youtube, you don’t need to be big for people to be excited about it. Sure some people will judge you but I think most people like the idea that you are trying to succeed and are probably curious enough to look me up and subscribe. In fact, isn’t that what I want? People who are legitimately interested in my journey subscribing to me?
I’m always REALLY self-conscious when people stare at me when I’m vlogging and I always try to solve the problem by either NOT vlogging or trying to ignore the embarrassment. I realized that there is a third better option. Any time I’m feeling embarrassed, I should just feel the feelings until the right path becomes clear to me. Usually, I feel so uncomfortable I will do ANYTHING to avoid the feeling, but I should just embrace it as I should do in any uncomfortable situation.
