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Workpost 13: Inspired
Byjack
I feel tired. And yet I feel so inspired.
I ran with the ideas last night, of dance and music and I can say I feel extremely sad. Something about how much I miss this part of me. I feel sad about the weight I’ve been carrying around for so long. I feel sad because sadness acknowledges the pain in the world without shying away from it.
I watched this video last night:
I remember in art there is no right or wrong way to go about something. Just like in life. I feel we forget that a lot.
For some reason, I feel the desire to write stories. Here is a space for some freewriting:
A shark was washed onto the shore. That was the day when I asked my next door neighbor Amy to marry me. We were both 12 at the time. Amy was a quiet sort of girl, not shy, just took a while to think about things before she talked. When she did, she didn’t say much.
She looked at me up and down as if she was trying to size me up.
“So what do you say Amy?”
I wonder if this is how the shark felt. He was already dead when he was on shore, but his eyes seemed to look at you as if to say…well? What’s up?
“I don’t know,” Amy finally responded. Her fingers figeting.
“You don’t know?”
“Yea.”
“That’s ok!” I said. I was 12 and I felt invincible…
I feel sad because of how much of this I repressed within my self.
In terms of work, I feel I’ve done the experiment and I can officially say to myself, working on too many things at the same time does not work towards my strengths. I think I need to focus on one focus every day. If I get to a second one, then that’s good. Also, I can have many low effort progress toward every goal, but it can’t be the main focus.
In doing one main thing, I might be able to go to bed much sooner which is something of great concern to me.
Core Wounds 9
Byjack
I kind of dropped the ball on these because I don’t know if I feel like challenging my core wounds, but I think I need to keep going for the 21 days at least. It is interesting because you are supposed to focus on one core wound. I don’t know which one I would focus on, but maybe if I just keep going there is one that I will want to focus on.
I was talking to a friend about how it is hard to work on yourself sometimes. What I told her is that it is sometimes scary to think about who you might change into, but I think there is another reason. Sometimes it is hard to work on yourself because in order to work on yourself you first need to look at yourself in the mirror and face who you are, and that isn’t easy to do.
I think a big core wound or belief is that there is something wrong with me, that no one will actually like me if they know who I really am, that I’m weak and creepy and unattractive.
She Said I Made Her Day
Walking up to her out of the blue
On the streets of new york city
On the college campus
They both told me
I made their day
The next girl
Will think you are the one
She told me
And when I asked the girl
Lost in her own world
In a song she just found
Whether or not she thought I was attractive
She said yes
I felt she wanted to say more
But was too shy
Always And Forever
Byjack
Always and Forever
She told me that this was probably our last fight
But if that were true
If one fight was able to erase
All we built together
The world would make no sense
I think
We are meant to fight
A hundred more times
A thousand more times
We are meant to fight each other for the rest of our lives
Until we don’t need to fight anymore
And maybe it’s only then
We might separate
Because
Every time we fight
It feels like the end of the world
But really
It always brings us closer together
Always makes us stronger
I just wish
I was able to be there for her
When we are fighting
To comfort her
Tell her everything was going to be alright
To give her strength to get through it
Workpost 15: Meditation
Byjack
Last night I went to bed on time, got into my bedroom about 11PM and went to bed at midnight.
However, I woke up feeling abysmal, tired and my stomach was hurting. I feel that I ate a big dinner to close to bedtime. Also, maybe I’m just catching up on sleep.
This morning, as with many mornings, I did not want to go for a walk, but I did anyway. I realized that if I go for a walk because I “have to” then I feel undermotivated. But if I go for a walk to “meditate” and think, it actually is quite enjoyable and feels needed as I feel pretty shitty and need some time. I also makes it easy to not reach for my phone because I obviously don’t want a phone disturbing my quiet thoughtful meditation.
I also realized my morning singing and dance are part of my meditation and that I want to set an alarm so that I know when I need to look at my phone.
Today in terms of work, I don’t really know what to focus on. Perhaps I will finish up more things related to work so I can have fewer things on my plate and be able to focus on my two goals around AI and Art Coaching.
The Bubble
Byjack
The Bubble
Our words to each other
Are poor feeble tools
Unwieldy, inefficient, inaccurate
Yet they built something
We fumbled yes
It’s part of our practice
And make me feel hope
That when we meet
We find ourselves
In a place where all else disappears
Except the two of us
Our minds
Our emotions
Mixing
Like water in a bowl
A place where words dissolve
Like mints
Into their true feelings
And our minds as one
Find a place
Outside space and time
Letting the Chips Fall
Byjack
Letting The Chips Fall
I think about seeing her
I want it tomorrow
I want it in the next minute
In the next second
To feel the warmth of her smile
Hear her little laugh
And sometimes, I worry
It will never happen
That life will keep us apart
I know that there are certain problems that need to be solved
Problems don’t go away I told her
She avoids them anyway
Until they are about to ruin everything
I hate her for making me feel
There is no hope left
That she accuses me of just stressing her out
Lashes out at me angrily
I feel pain because I know
She loves me
And wants to make me happy
Maybe I was too hard on her
But can I take the pain
Of watching everything burn
Letting the problems stack up against us
She’s so sensitive
And beautiful
And soft and understanding
Perhaps, I can be strong enough
To feel the fear
That I will lose her
I often cope with feelings of fear by trying to solve problems and remove obstacles. It’s who I am. It is the hardest thing to just let something I want more than anything slip away. Maybe I’m too hard on people, on myself for trying to fix everything. Sometimes, you just have to enjoy where life is right now, and process your fear and just trust everything will work itself out.