Similar Posts
Profit In Peace 18: Tired
Byjack
4 AM Again
It is 4 am again
But this time
I feel strange when I wake up
I feel happy when I read her messages
Then guilty
I am so tired
Her emotions are so attractive
My little sloth
Then I remind myself of the feeling
Of being trapped
Unable to leave
Into a life
Alone
Unhappy
Unheard
Anxious
I wonder if it’s her
Or me
That I feel so cold
Alone
I’m trying to understand the right thing to do
But as I write these words
I realize
That the right thing is to sit here
In my depression
Waiting patiently for the answers
To come to me
I Feel Sad
Because I love her
Her emotions like the ocean
I know her
Her little sloth fingers
And I still feel
It is over
I Can Be Brave
I feel overwhelmed
So many emotions
So tired
So much stuff to do
So little time
I tried to keep them down for now
But I realized
I don’t need to
I can work and cry
At the same time
Workpost 16: Risk and Challenge
Byjack
So I’m pretty frustrated because this is the second time I am writing this blog post. The first time I wrote this blog post, the post was bugging out and didn’t save properly.
Not too happy about that.
In the spirit of growth, I am going to let go of that blog post and focus on creating an entirely new one without losing the essence of what I wanted to say in the first one I wrote.
This morning I was feeling really stressed out and I was really enjoying my walk. I feel like this whole questions meditations thing has really worked out. I really like journaling at night, and walking during the day. Before when I was forcing myself to go outside because I felt like I had to, I kinda hated it. It was nice once I got outside, but before then it was pretty awful.
Now, since I know I’m going use the time to meditate on some of the questions I have in my heart, I feel really excited and motivated to go outside in the morning.
Here are the main things I was stressed out about this morning:
- My career, didn’t know where I was going next
- My medical bills, spent 8k on a new medical device, hundreds more for my GI doctor
- My financial issues, I spent 700 more than I made yesterday
- My coaching career, still not anywhere close to making enough money to be self sufficient
- I could move back home, but then I’m worried about having a place for my girlfriend to visit me
And through my amazing short 20 minute walk, here are the answers I got:
- Acknowledge that you are taking a huge risk by paying 1,700 per month on rent with very little income and building coaching business from 0
- Risk is not a bad thing, it is an incredible catalyst for growth
- Risk means, now is the time to shine. Focus on the few things that matter most
- Building an really strong foundation of health, a very strong structure for getting stuff done
- Changing the lives of my current coaching clients
- Work slowly towards my career in AI
- It’s ok to invest money in the medical bills because they directly help with my foundational health goal. Double down on the investment by focusing a lot on sleep and digestion.
- Let go of all other goals and distractions because now is go time. Just work on small projects or really gradual work.
Workpost 27: Business Inspiration
Byjack
- Start with what you love
- Learn how to do what you love doing better
- Find a partner to fill gaps within your execution
- Come up with simple execution plan
- Figure out where the revenue comes from
- Start with purpose, later you manage purpose not employees
- Delay gratification
- Culture has to be client centric
- Hacking luck is about persistence
- Taking risk increases luck
- How to deal with failure
- Don’t let things own you
- Do not let short term ego go (enjoy looking like a loser)
- Learn to embrace getting a D
- Take your time
- Don’t ask yourself what you will do when you grow up, ask yourself what problem you want to solve
- Write down in detail what person you are looking for in a cofounder
- Opposite of what you love to do
- Same moral code
- Post it everywhere
- Sell the sizzle, not the steak
- Build sales relationship
- Do they need you?
- Do you like them?
- Marketing is about experimenting and connecting with people over time
- Marketing is all about the process and the system
- Marketing is about having fun
- Write press release like its the actual story, do all the work for the journalist (high res photos)
- Lean into marketing for other brands you like and they can lead to brand sponsorship
Something I was thinking about in this video is how I love challenges, but I don’t like failures. But maybe the most important thing to do, or a really good outcome for a challenge is failure, and I can focus on failure if I want to. I think maybe a big part of failure, is unexpected outcomes. It isn’t important that you didn’t succeed at what you originally went for, but how you grew in the process of trying and discovering what unexpected things were on the other side.
The cofounder part is also really interesting in writing down what I want so I can recognize someone when I see them.
Sales relationships makes me think about reaching out with all my goals and involving people on a journey because that is the thing that interests me the most, it is the thing that I can connect with people on very easily and naturally.
Marketing is making me think that failure might also be about the story you can tell afterwards. The story is not about success, it is about the exciting hook and premise. Failure is one of the most interesting ends to a story, although it can be depressing.
Core Beliefs 3
Byjack
Today I was talking to someone who thought that reprogramming your core beliefs and I’ve given this some thought.
- It can be cringe if it isn’t genuine (forcing yourself to believe something that isn’t true)
- It isn’t actually meant to be mindless affirmations but rather trying to get your mind to see a more balanced version of the truth.
- Ex: We are bad and our emotions do push other people away sometimes. But it’s not all the time. When you have a core wound, it’s something you are deeply afraid of and look for evidence for instead of looking at things clearly.
- For example, if you believe you aren’t attractive, if ten people say you look good, and one person says you are ugly, you will believe the ten people are lying and the one person is telling the truth without being rational or logical about it. It doesn’t mean you aren’t ugly to some people, it just means it’s not as simple as you think it is.
- If you successfully reprogram, you will take negative things less personally.
- Reprogramming your subconscious means countering your habits of looking for evidence for the opposite of what you believe so you can see the fuller picture.
- It can also be cringe if it is very surface level (mindlessness listing out five things)
- Perhaps I want to take a more artistic approach and revisit different memories that contrasts against my core beliefs that takes me back to the feelings
Today I’ll do a little poem.
Zubats
It was nighttime in the art studios
Brandon’s smiling face
Shiny in the lights from above
He told me that the zubats were talking
And that he asked
Jack or Michael
Jack of course
He told me that they said
Even though
They thought
I was a bit too arrogant
Writing Prompt: Your Shadow
Byjack
Writing Prompt: What is a pet peeve and how does that relate to your shadow?
Today I was listening to a Youtube video about the Harry Potter houses and turned off the video because I could not listen to the voice of the YouTuber any longer. The way he was talking was so affected it felt like I was drowning in discomfort.
He would have an extra lingering syllable that would stick at the end of each word. Griffindorrra instead of Griffindor and thennnnna instead of then. I felt like his proclivities were clawing marks into my heart.
I was thinking to myself. I hate him so much, but I bet all the comments are people praising him and encouraging him to continue with this horribly affected speech. And then I thought, maybe some people actually like it. He did have a nice British accent.
I wondered why I couldn’t stand him.
I just felt this cloudiness this lack of clarity in speech and I despised that. The fakeness also made me feel uncomfortable. Do I judge myself for being fake or unclear? I don’t know but I suspect I do. To me, those two traits speak to the worst fate in the world, mediocrity.
Workpost 54: Fears
Byjack
I’m starting work on the new branding project but I’m feeling some fears:
- Fear of failure
- Fear of being misunderstood and not heard
- Fear of being seen as bad, lazy, unproductive, dumb
I feel trapped. Shoulders, fear in center of chest. I don’t know what to do to be seen as productive.
I feel overwhelmed. I feel out of control. Nerves vibing in my chest. Clenched stomach. I don’t know what will work.
I feel like a failure. Pain in my chest. I don’t know what I’m doing.
I’m imagining failing. I feel worthless. Head, chest, cold, numb tingling.
Grounding
I may not satisfy other people’s ideas of productivity, but I can satisfy what I see as productive. I can focus on my personal growth and the growth of my companies.
I don’t know what will work but I know what I can try.
I’m adventuring into new territory – that’s why I don’t know what I’m doing.
This gives me the opportunity to process the I’m unworthy wound.
Reframe
This is my opportunity to help other people grow in what they understand as productivity.
Embrace people knowing what you are working on, practice being proud of your process (like emotional processing). -> Big trigger from dad being skeptical of my process and feeling like I need to justify
Big failure literally always leads to big growth and learning. Let’s chase failure. I shouldn’t feel guilty as failure is all on me.
Ok, that makes me realize a lot of this comes from my dad constantly being skeptical, not trusting me, and dismissing my process. I feel always I need to justify myself.
It leads to a very strong I am trapped wound. Shoulders compressed and pain in chest.
Also some I am misunderstood, I am a failure, I am not trusted.
I wonder if that’s how he was treated? I wonder if he has those wounds too.
To grow from it, it occurs to me that he needed an explanation, a justification, and was skeptical because of his own internalized judgement – not because there was something wrong with me.
His comparison of me with other people was all due to his own shame.
Demanding an explanation is from own lack of trust in himself, he can’t understand my trust in myself.
Additional processing:
I did some more processing later in the day. I felt super tired but I kept feeling pressure to work. I feel fear that if I don’t get a certain amount of work done, that I will be rejected.
My dad would say that I didn’t plan the day out well enough, I was not efficient enough, or that I need to work harder.
I felt that fear in my chest as a I am not good enough wound.
In reframing I came to the conclusion that even though my dad had no boundaries around the amount of energy he could put into work, doesn’t mean I cannot.
I choose to put boundaries around my work, and to stop working or move on when I feel I’ve given as much as I can give within the course of the day.
Profit In Peace 18: Tired
Byjack
4 AM Again
It is 4 am again
But this time
I feel strange when I wake up
I feel happy when I read her messages
Then guilty
I am so tired
Her emotions are so attractive
My little sloth
Then I remind myself of the feeling
Of being trapped
Unable to leave
Into a life
Alone
Unhappy
Unheard
Anxious
I wonder if it’s her
Or me
That I feel so cold
Alone
I’m trying to understand the right thing to do
But as I write these words
I realize
That the right thing is to sit here
In my depression
Waiting patiently for the answers
To come to me
I Feel Sad
Because I love her
Her emotions like the ocean
I know her
Her little sloth fingers
And I still feel
It is over
I Can Be Brave
I feel overwhelmed
So many emotions
So tired
So much stuff to do
So little time
I tried to keep them down for now
But I realized
I don’t need to
I can work and cry
At the same time
Workpost 16: Risk and Challenge
Byjack
So I’m pretty frustrated because this is the second time I am writing this blog post. The first time I wrote this blog post, the post was bugging out and didn’t save properly.
Not too happy about that.
In the spirit of growth, I am going to let go of that blog post and focus on creating an entirely new one without losing the essence of what I wanted to say in the first one I wrote.
This morning I was feeling really stressed out and I was really enjoying my walk. I feel like this whole questions meditations thing has really worked out. I really like journaling at night, and walking during the day. Before when I was forcing myself to go outside because I felt like I had to, I kinda hated it. It was nice once I got outside, but before then it was pretty awful.
Now, since I know I’m going use the time to meditate on some of the questions I have in my heart, I feel really excited and motivated to go outside in the morning.
Here are the main things I was stressed out about this morning:
- My career, didn’t know where I was going next
- My medical bills, spent 8k on a new medical device, hundreds more for my GI doctor
- My financial issues, I spent 700 more than I made yesterday
- My coaching career, still not anywhere close to making enough money to be self sufficient
- I could move back home, but then I’m worried about having a place for my girlfriend to visit me
And through my amazing short 20 minute walk, here are the answers I got:
- Acknowledge that you are taking a huge risk by paying 1,700 per month on rent with very little income and building coaching business from 0
- Risk is not a bad thing, it is an incredible catalyst for growth
- Risk means, now is the time to shine. Focus on the few things that matter most
- Building an really strong foundation of health, a very strong structure for getting stuff done
- Changing the lives of my current coaching clients
- Work slowly towards my career in AI
- It’s ok to invest money in the medical bills because they directly help with my foundational health goal. Double down on the investment by focusing a lot on sleep and digestion.
- Let go of all other goals and distractions because now is go time. Just work on small projects or really gradual work.
Workpost 27: Business Inspiration
Byjack
- Start with what you love
- Learn how to do what you love doing better
- Find a partner to fill gaps within your execution
- Come up with simple execution plan
- Figure out where the revenue comes from
- Start with purpose, later you manage purpose not employees
- Delay gratification
- Culture has to be client centric
- Hacking luck is about persistence
- Taking risk increases luck
- How to deal with failure
- Don’t let things own you
- Do not let short term ego go (enjoy looking like a loser)
- Learn to embrace getting a D
- Take your time
- Don’t ask yourself what you will do when you grow up, ask yourself what problem you want to solve
- Write down in detail what person you are looking for in a cofounder
- Opposite of what you love to do
- Same moral code
- Post it everywhere
- Sell the sizzle, not the steak
- Build sales relationship
- Do they need you?
- Do you like them?
- Marketing is about experimenting and connecting with people over time
- Marketing is all about the process and the system
- Marketing is about having fun
- Write press release like its the actual story, do all the work for the journalist (high res photos)
- Lean into marketing for other brands you like and they can lead to brand sponsorship
Something I was thinking about in this video is how I love challenges, but I don’t like failures. But maybe the most important thing to do, or a really good outcome for a challenge is failure, and I can focus on failure if I want to. I think maybe a big part of failure, is unexpected outcomes. It isn’t important that you didn’t succeed at what you originally went for, but how you grew in the process of trying and discovering what unexpected things were on the other side.
The cofounder part is also really interesting in writing down what I want so I can recognize someone when I see them.
Sales relationships makes me think about reaching out with all my goals and involving people on a journey because that is the thing that interests me the most, it is the thing that I can connect with people on very easily and naturally.
Marketing is making me think that failure might also be about the story you can tell afterwards. The story is not about success, it is about the exciting hook and premise. Failure is one of the most interesting ends to a story, although it can be depressing.
Core Beliefs 3
Byjack
Today I was talking to someone who thought that reprogramming your core beliefs and I’ve given this some thought.
- It can be cringe if it isn’t genuine (forcing yourself to believe something that isn’t true)
- It isn’t actually meant to be mindless affirmations but rather trying to get your mind to see a more balanced version of the truth.
- Ex: We are bad and our emotions do push other people away sometimes. But it’s not all the time. When you have a core wound, it’s something you are deeply afraid of and look for evidence for instead of looking at things clearly.
- For example, if you believe you aren’t attractive, if ten people say you look good, and one person says you are ugly, you will believe the ten people are lying and the one person is telling the truth without being rational or logical about it. It doesn’t mean you aren’t ugly to some people, it just means it’s not as simple as you think it is.
- If you successfully reprogram, you will take negative things less personally.
- Reprogramming your subconscious means countering your habits of looking for evidence for the opposite of what you believe so you can see the fuller picture.
- It can also be cringe if it is very surface level (mindlessness listing out five things)
- Perhaps I want to take a more artistic approach and revisit different memories that contrasts against my core beliefs that takes me back to the feelings
Today I’ll do a little poem.
Zubats
It was nighttime in the art studios
Brandon’s smiling face
Shiny in the lights from above
He told me that the zubats were talking
And that he asked
Jack or Michael
Jack of course
He told me that they said
Even though
They thought
I was a bit too arrogant
Writing Prompt: Your Shadow
Byjack
Writing Prompt: What is a pet peeve and how does that relate to your shadow?
Today I was listening to a Youtube video about the Harry Potter houses and turned off the video because I could not listen to the voice of the YouTuber any longer. The way he was talking was so affected it felt like I was drowning in discomfort.
He would have an extra lingering syllable that would stick at the end of each word. Griffindorrra instead of Griffindor and thennnnna instead of then. I felt like his proclivities were clawing marks into my heart.
I was thinking to myself. I hate him so much, but I bet all the comments are people praising him and encouraging him to continue with this horribly affected speech. And then I thought, maybe some people actually like it. He did have a nice British accent.
I wondered why I couldn’t stand him.
I just felt this cloudiness this lack of clarity in speech and I despised that. The fakeness also made me feel uncomfortable. Do I judge myself for being fake or unclear? I don’t know but I suspect I do. To me, those two traits speak to the worst fate in the world, mediocrity.
Workpost 54: Fears
Byjack
I’m starting work on the new branding project but I’m feeling some fears:
- Fear of failure
- Fear of being misunderstood and not heard
- Fear of being seen as bad, lazy, unproductive, dumb
I feel trapped. Shoulders, fear in center of chest. I don’t know what to do to be seen as productive.
I feel overwhelmed. I feel out of control. Nerves vibing in my chest. Clenched stomach. I don’t know what will work.
I feel like a failure. Pain in my chest. I don’t know what I’m doing.
I’m imagining failing. I feel worthless. Head, chest, cold, numb tingling.
Grounding
I may not satisfy other people’s ideas of productivity, but I can satisfy what I see as productive. I can focus on my personal growth and the growth of my companies.
I don’t know what will work but I know what I can try.
I’m adventuring into new territory – that’s why I don’t know what I’m doing.
This gives me the opportunity to process the I’m unworthy wound.
Reframe
This is my opportunity to help other people grow in what they understand as productivity.
Embrace people knowing what you are working on, practice being proud of your process (like emotional processing). -> Big trigger from dad being skeptical of my process and feeling like I need to justify
Big failure literally always leads to big growth and learning. Let’s chase failure. I shouldn’t feel guilty as failure is all on me.
Ok, that makes me realize a lot of this comes from my dad constantly being skeptical, not trusting me, and dismissing my process. I feel always I need to justify myself.
It leads to a very strong I am trapped wound. Shoulders compressed and pain in chest.
Also some I am misunderstood, I am a failure, I am not trusted.
I wonder if that’s how he was treated? I wonder if he has those wounds too.
To grow from it, it occurs to me that he needed an explanation, a justification, and was skeptical because of his own internalized judgement – not because there was something wrong with me.
His comparison of me with other people was all due to his own shame.
Demanding an explanation is from own lack of trust in himself, he can’t understand my trust in myself.
Additional processing:
I did some more processing later in the day. I felt super tired but I kept feeling pressure to work. I feel fear that if I don’t get a certain amount of work done, that I will be rejected.
My dad would say that I didn’t plan the day out well enough, I was not efficient enough, or that I need to work harder.
I felt that fear in my chest as a I am not good enough wound.
In reframing I came to the conclusion that even though my dad had no boundaries around the amount of energy he could put into work, doesn’t mean I cannot.
I choose to put boundaries around my work, and to stop working or move on when I feel I’ve given as much as I can give within the course of the day.
Profit In Peace 18: Tired
Byjack
4 AM Again
It is 4 am again
But this time
I feel strange when I wake up
I feel happy when I read her messages
Then guilty
I am so tired
Her emotions are so attractive
My little sloth
Then I remind myself of the feeling
Of being trapped
Unable to leave
Into a life
Alone
Unhappy
Unheard
Anxious
I wonder if it’s her
Or me
That I feel so cold
Alone
I’m trying to understand the right thing to do
But as I write these words
I realize
That the right thing is to sit here
In my depression
Waiting patiently for the answers
To come to me
I Feel Sad
Because I love her
Her emotions like the ocean
I know her
Her little sloth fingers
And I still feel
It is over
I Can Be Brave
I feel overwhelmed
So many emotions
So tired
So much stuff to do
So little time
I tried to keep them down for now
But I realized
I don’t need to
I can work and cry
At the same time
Workpost 16: Risk and Challenge
Byjack
So I’m pretty frustrated because this is the second time I am writing this blog post. The first time I wrote this blog post, the post was bugging out and didn’t save properly.
Not too happy about that.
In the spirit of growth, I am going to let go of that blog post and focus on creating an entirely new one without losing the essence of what I wanted to say in the first one I wrote.
This morning I was feeling really stressed out and I was really enjoying my walk. I feel like this whole questions meditations thing has really worked out. I really like journaling at night, and walking during the day. Before when I was forcing myself to go outside because I felt like I had to, I kinda hated it. It was nice once I got outside, but before then it was pretty awful.
Now, since I know I’m going use the time to meditate on some of the questions I have in my heart, I feel really excited and motivated to go outside in the morning.
Here are the main things I was stressed out about this morning:
- My career, didn’t know where I was going next
- My medical bills, spent 8k on a new medical device, hundreds more for my GI doctor
- My financial issues, I spent 700 more than I made yesterday
- My coaching career, still not anywhere close to making enough money to be self sufficient
- I could move back home, but then I’m worried about having a place for my girlfriend to visit me
And through my amazing short 20 minute walk, here are the answers I got:
- Acknowledge that you are taking a huge risk by paying 1,700 per month on rent with very little income and building coaching business from 0
- Risk is not a bad thing, it is an incredible catalyst for growth
- Risk means, now is the time to shine. Focus on the few things that matter most
- Building an really strong foundation of health, a very strong structure for getting stuff done
- Changing the lives of my current coaching clients
- Work slowly towards my career in AI
- It’s ok to invest money in the medical bills because they directly help with my foundational health goal. Double down on the investment by focusing a lot on sleep and digestion.
- Let go of all other goals and distractions because now is go time. Just work on small projects or really gradual work.
Workpost 27: Business Inspiration
Byjack
- Start with what you love
- Learn how to do what you love doing better
- Find a partner to fill gaps within your execution
- Come up with simple execution plan
- Figure out where the revenue comes from
- Start with purpose, later you manage purpose not employees
- Delay gratification
- Culture has to be client centric
- Hacking luck is about persistence
- Taking risk increases luck
- How to deal with failure
- Don’t let things own you
- Do not let short term ego go (enjoy looking like a loser)
- Learn to embrace getting a D
- Take your time
- Don’t ask yourself what you will do when you grow up, ask yourself what problem you want to solve
- Write down in detail what person you are looking for in a cofounder
- Opposite of what you love to do
- Same moral code
- Post it everywhere
- Sell the sizzle, not the steak
- Build sales relationship
- Do they need you?
- Do you like them?
- Marketing is about experimenting and connecting with people over time
- Marketing is all about the process and the system
- Marketing is about having fun
- Write press release like its the actual story, do all the work for the journalist (high res photos)
- Lean into marketing for other brands you like and they can lead to brand sponsorship
Something I was thinking about in this video is how I love challenges, but I don’t like failures. But maybe the most important thing to do, or a really good outcome for a challenge is failure, and I can focus on failure if I want to. I think maybe a big part of failure, is unexpected outcomes. It isn’t important that you didn’t succeed at what you originally went for, but how you grew in the process of trying and discovering what unexpected things were on the other side.
The cofounder part is also really interesting in writing down what I want so I can recognize someone when I see them.
Sales relationships makes me think about reaching out with all my goals and involving people on a journey because that is the thing that interests me the most, it is the thing that I can connect with people on very easily and naturally.
Marketing is making me think that failure might also be about the story you can tell afterwards. The story is not about success, it is about the exciting hook and premise. Failure is one of the most interesting ends to a story, although it can be depressing.
Core Beliefs 3
Byjack
Today I was talking to someone who thought that reprogramming your core beliefs and I’ve given this some thought.
- It can be cringe if it isn’t genuine (forcing yourself to believe something that isn’t true)
- It isn’t actually meant to be mindless affirmations but rather trying to get your mind to see a more balanced version of the truth.
- Ex: We are bad and our emotions do push other people away sometimes. But it’s not all the time. When you have a core wound, it’s something you are deeply afraid of and look for evidence for instead of looking at things clearly.
- For example, if you believe you aren’t attractive, if ten people say you look good, and one person says you are ugly, you will believe the ten people are lying and the one person is telling the truth without being rational or logical about it. It doesn’t mean you aren’t ugly to some people, it just means it’s not as simple as you think it is.
- If you successfully reprogram, you will take negative things less personally.
- Reprogramming your subconscious means countering your habits of looking for evidence for the opposite of what you believe so you can see the fuller picture.
- It can also be cringe if it is very surface level (mindlessness listing out five things)
- Perhaps I want to take a more artistic approach and revisit different memories that contrasts against my core beliefs that takes me back to the feelings
Today I’ll do a little poem.
Zubats
It was nighttime in the art studios
Brandon’s smiling face
Shiny in the lights from above
He told me that the zubats were talking
And that he asked
Jack or Michael
Jack of course
He told me that they said
Even though
They thought
I was a bit too arrogant
Writing Prompt: Your Shadow
Byjack
Writing Prompt: What is a pet peeve and how does that relate to your shadow?
Today I was listening to a Youtube video about the Harry Potter houses and turned off the video because I could not listen to the voice of the YouTuber any longer. The way he was talking was so affected it felt like I was drowning in discomfort.
He would have an extra lingering syllable that would stick at the end of each word. Griffindorrra instead of Griffindor and thennnnna instead of then. I felt like his proclivities were clawing marks into my heart.
I was thinking to myself. I hate him so much, but I bet all the comments are people praising him and encouraging him to continue with this horribly affected speech. And then I thought, maybe some people actually like it. He did have a nice British accent.
I wondered why I couldn’t stand him.
I just felt this cloudiness this lack of clarity in speech and I despised that. The fakeness also made me feel uncomfortable. Do I judge myself for being fake or unclear? I don’t know but I suspect I do. To me, those two traits speak to the worst fate in the world, mediocrity.
Workpost 54: Fears
Byjack
I’m starting work on the new branding project but I’m feeling some fears:
- Fear of failure
- Fear of being misunderstood and not heard
- Fear of being seen as bad, lazy, unproductive, dumb
I feel trapped. Shoulders, fear in center of chest. I don’t know what to do to be seen as productive.
I feel overwhelmed. I feel out of control. Nerves vibing in my chest. Clenched stomach. I don’t know what will work.
I feel like a failure. Pain in my chest. I don’t know what I’m doing.
I’m imagining failing. I feel worthless. Head, chest, cold, numb tingling.
Grounding
I may not satisfy other people’s ideas of productivity, but I can satisfy what I see as productive. I can focus on my personal growth and the growth of my companies.
I don’t know what will work but I know what I can try.
I’m adventuring into new territory – that’s why I don’t know what I’m doing.
This gives me the opportunity to process the I’m unworthy wound.
Reframe
This is my opportunity to help other people grow in what they understand as productivity.
Embrace people knowing what you are working on, practice being proud of your process (like emotional processing). -> Big trigger from dad being skeptical of my process and feeling like I need to justify
Big failure literally always leads to big growth and learning. Let’s chase failure. I shouldn’t feel guilty as failure is all on me.
Ok, that makes me realize a lot of this comes from my dad constantly being skeptical, not trusting me, and dismissing my process. I feel always I need to justify myself.
It leads to a very strong I am trapped wound. Shoulders compressed and pain in chest.
Also some I am misunderstood, I am a failure, I am not trusted.
I wonder if that’s how he was treated? I wonder if he has those wounds too.
To grow from it, it occurs to me that he needed an explanation, a justification, and was skeptical because of his own internalized judgement – not because there was something wrong with me.
His comparison of me with other people was all due to his own shame.
Demanding an explanation is from own lack of trust in himself, he can’t understand my trust in myself.
Additional processing:
I did some more processing later in the day. I felt super tired but I kept feeling pressure to work. I feel fear that if I don’t get a certain amount of work done, that I will be rejected.
My dad would say that I didn’t plan the day out well enough, I was not efficient enough, or that I need to work harder.
I felt that fear in my chest as a I am not good enough wound.
In reframing I came to the conclusion that even though my dad had no boundaries around the amount of energy he could put into work, doesn’t mean I cannot.
I choose to put boundaries around my work, and to stop working or move on when I feel I’ve given as much as I can give within the course of the day.