I feel exhausted. My head feels numb. I feel hot and tired. My back aches.
My heart feels heavy. I feel angry at myself. So helpless. My mind in a fog.
My apartment is a mess. I just want to cry.
I can’t work. I just play games all day long. my eyes feel tired.
It’s 2 o’clock in the morning. All I want to do is eat and play video games. The pull is so strong in my heart like there is a strand of honey getting pulled.
I feel a numb panic deep in my chest. I’m afraid of failure. I’m scared I will disappoint myself and everyone around me. Pushing myself to make my business cards is only making me curl up even harder.
It was a long week. I’m exhausted. But the work just keeps coming.
I guess I can cancel tai chi tomorrow. Sleep in.
Tonight I can clean my apartment until I feel more peaceful.
I know I can use the gym as a way to process emotions, but I don’t use it.
I feel this pull, this overwhelm, like the honey being pulled, from my heart.
I’m capable of anything. Even rising from this challenge. This is important because as I get more successful, there will be days I feel exhausted, and in those moments, I need to find a way to find balance, to find peace.
I also want to learn to embrace failure. Failure is so scary to me. There is an image in my mind of my business cards being a complete disappointment and I feel a pit in my heart. A horrible amaturish website I’m not proud of and I can’t fix it.
Everyone starts somewhere. Everyone starts at the beginning. The people who are exceptional, who are savants are not people who started at the middle. They are people who enjoyed the beginning.
But how can I enjoy this? I feel so scared it won’t be good.
Makes me think of this video:
In this video, Jesse talks about how play allows us to feel pressure while still being able to learn.
That fun is the key to this.
But what is the key to fun? What would make this fun for me, regardless of the outcome, what would make designing and drawing fun for me?
What would make it an infinite game, not just a finite game focused on an end goal?
It’s true, the thought of designing business cards does not sound fun to me at all. It sounds like a slog. But maybe that’s because I’m worried about failing.
Ok, what if I tried to merge my painterly style with “woodcut” style prints. What if I created a new drawing technique that I could use to create cool stuff for friends and to sell as products?
That definitely sounds more like play to me.
So what about going to the gym, because I like it so much when I actually go, but I find it hard to go to begin with.
What if I saw it as supercharging myself – which it really is doing. Whether I go to lift weights or just to hang from the bar and stretch it really is building my body up to full potential. It might even solve my sleep problems.
And what about sleep, why do I not want to go to bed? Because if I go to bed, tomorrow, I wake up with tons of problems. Well maybe, that’s not a bad thing. Maybe before I go to bed, I fill my to do list with questions that I want to search out the answers to.
Here are the questions I have today, that if I knew the answers to I would rest easy:
What am I going to do about my art coaching and AI gaming companies?
Am I behind schedule and if so what do I do about it?
Should I extend the schedule?
Am I losing money?
How do I get out of my procrastination phase and get working?
What do I do about my art coaching website?
How do I get everything done in such a short period of time?
Should I start registering for fairs?
Should I pay someone to design the website for me?
How am I going to get the motivation to start drawing? How do I start drawing consistently?
How do I start going to the gym and working outsite the apartment consistently?
How will I start cooking again and cleaning up my apartment? Where will I find the time?
How will I prepare for the next week of work? How do I balance my other businesses?
When will I continue to work on my Javascript projects? What is the breakdown between AI work time and coaching work time.
It is funny because I said no today to the real Profit in Peace challenge today to say yes to my own personal challenge that I created for myself. Today he had a bunch of giveaways and gave away a product for $1 but I realized that it is going to take too much of my attention away. I don’t even want it for $1, maybe not even for free.
I’m very stressed today for all the stuff I have to do for work, I’m very proud of myself for finding a really awesome amazing transition from work to gaming last night and always having a good peaceful nighttime, it is what I always wanted and I finally got it.
Today I need to post my update for the knee challenge, already have it recorded, but need to post it.
I also need to kick off things for the French challenge. No idea how that is going to go.
Finally, the Profit in Peace challenge sparked something in me. I realized that I bought Alex Hormozi’s book $100 Million Leads which will be SUPER helpful in building my coaching practice…actually will help me in my overall career as well. I think there is some super valuable information in there.
On top of that, now that I’m thinking of it, I have some other really good books for business and sales and coaching, Sell Like Crazy by Sabri Subi and The Prosperous Coach by Steve Chandler.
Lots of interesting things going on. I feel like really much more in balance than I have been in a long time.
Routine-wise, I’m better than I’ve ever been. I have a routine working hours, good bedtime, great winddown time, and a great morning routine. I’m keeping up with the breathing and I love yous and it is going great.
I suppose that only thing that I want more of is more friends and interactions outside myself.
Perhaps it will help when I get more time in the morning. Today I will really try to do some work outside of my apartment even if it isn’t in the morning.
I’ve been sick in the past two days. Not a terrible sickness thankfully. I credit that to the copious quantities of water I consumed as well as the zinc I took and the lymph node massage to clear my stuff nose. I can’t smell anything, I feel tired, and my mind feels fuzzy but other than that I’m actually doing ok.
Earlier my throat was hurting and I woke up many times in the night, but overall I slept pretty good. I’ve been self-medicating a lot by playing games, and I want to stop. I did go for a walk this morning and workout, and I feel that helps.
I have a new structure I want to propose for my matches.
5 mins – pregame win conditions (set my win conditions for the match)
15 mins – warmup
40 mins – the match itself
postgame eval (see how close I am to my win conditions)
Match 1
Objectives: Go through todo list and work list for anything quick and get it done or make progress
Win conditions:
Speed: how quickly I make decisions and make progress (percentile)
Precision: how accurate my decisions are (percentile)
Ease: how rejuvenated and relaxed I feel (1-5)
Innovation: how creative and efficient “smart” my solutions are (percentile)
Post match review:
I went through the tasks pretty fast and I was left trying to find more work to do. I thought some tasks were super tedious and it makes sense why I didn’t want to do them. I did experience some stress from the sheer speed I was going at and some breaks might have been nice.
Speed: 65% percentile, fast but not crazy
Precision: 65% percentile, accurate but nothing crazy
Ease: 2 I honestly feel kinda tired, maybe no breaks
Innovation: 20% percentile, not really innovative at all
I haven’t figure out a way to do the process of downloading statements faster before I started. I didn’t think particularly much about the upwork post before I did it. One thing I learned is a little of prep might go a long way also, some breaks can help.