I’ve been feeling really out of sorts recently. Not going to bed at a reasonable time. Not brushing my teeth. Not eating well. And it all comes down to pressure. Pressure to post youtube videos. Pressure to perform at work. Pressure to rest my eyes. Pressure to do jiujitsu.
I feel beyond overwhelmed and turn to the only outlet I saw…gaming.
It’s almost as if my unconscious mind felt I really needed to meet my need to succeed and the fastest and easiest way with the lowest chance of failure is to win a game. Makes sense I guess.
In any case, I would like to return to a couple of core tenants.
Extreme focus to deal with the overwhelm. I only need to focus on one thing at a time.
Being there for myself. Asking myself every step of the day, what can I do to be there for myself.
In keeping with the tenant of focus, here are the priorities in order:
Health – let myself take care of myself
Getting work done for my job (to the degree where I feel comfortable)
I feel a lot of frustration and anger about not seeing any results with my ads.
I feel anger because:
I worked so hard and intelligently compared to so many people, yet I didn’t really get any sort of results, not even site clicks
I don’t understand why this is happening. I get it if people come to the website and don’t convert. I don’t get it that no one even goes to the website?
I feel extremely angry that my client will take it as further evidence that they are correct (“you just need to be viral” “its not words and images that will get you there” “no one cares about your values” “people wont buy even if its free”)
I think the reasons why it’s failing is because the offer or the video is not good in some way. There must be something wrong with it.
Maybe its possible that the audience settings are not perfect either.
The reality is that my client has no idea what is going on and just wants us to succeed.
He knows that I’ve been working super hard at this project and I’m sure he appreciates it.
He has certain biases that he wants to enact, but those will have to wait until after my period.
I feel frustration as aching in my chest cavity and stomach.
I am helpless wound coming up. I am overwhelmed. I feel hopeless. I feel undermotivated. I am lost.
I am tired.
I discovered some things yesterday. I realized that I was obsessed about getting the brand and vision correct, but my goals for my consulting project are actually much more simple:
Get experience in creating funnels/pipelines that are simple, effective, easy to maintain
Make my client’s company cooler and inspire the people within to do more
The brand and vision just serve as a tactical basis for getting the funnel right because having no vision leads to pretty shitty, unclear websites and ads and makes decision making much harder than it needs to be.
Another thing I recognize is that mission, vision, and values are all things that need to evolve and change as what I want becomes clearer and clearer.
Today I did a long breathwork meditation session after feeling extremely stressed out about three questions:
Should I sign up for jiujitsu again?
Should I do coaching again?
Should I continue therapy?
And all the worrying stressful sub questions:
What about the money for jiujitsu
Jiujitsu is so hard to get good at
People might not buy my coaching if I didn’t do something really big
Therapy costs so much money is it worth it?
And after the meditation, one thing was clear to me. The answer to everything: take everything so much less serious. Have fun!!!
If you have fun doing jiujitsu, sign up for it, go to classes when you feel like it. Have an amazing time doing work. If you love coaching, do it whether or not people believe that you are a good coach or not.
Enjoy yourself. Indulge yourself in boba while working. Take breaks to play on the piano, to draw.
P.S. I did sign up for jiujitsu, and I intend to have fun learning tons of new martial arts.
Today I feel tired. My kidneys ache. They feel bloated and stagnated. My stomach feels slow. My head iches on the top. My eyes are dry. I feel burning inflammation up my back and spine. My skin is flaking on my face.
These past few days have felt exhausting, extremely stressful, and demoralizing. Last night, I asked myself the question, how do I get out of this.
I didn’t know the answer then, but my answer today during my walk was to take my stress seriously.
And just now, I had a realization that I have the systems developed to do extraordinary things. I just need to utilize them and follow their principals.
Systems in place:
Daily walk to ponder questions I am stressed about
Daily workpost to grow myself, plan for greatness
Clean space to deal with stress, clean place = clean mind
Meal prep strategy for healthy cheap meals with little stress – fridge containers, tacos, lettuce wraps
Whiteboards to write strategies
Off computer working systems (working while walking, running errands, working out, eating out)
Todo list strategy – focus on one thing at a time, prioritize
Clean after working hours to transition, decompress
Crawling to get cardio in small space
Walking backwards and tibialus for knee
Hanging for shoulders and posture
Working out after and before meals for better absorption, muscle growth, and recovery
Journaling to ask myself questions at night
Walking with no effort
I have absolutely everything I need to build a life where I can do almost anything I want, achieve anything I want.
Right now, I want to focus on two things: recovery and priming
Priming are stuff like cleaning, wiping off my whiteboards, clearing out tabs, filling markers, mealprep, todo list grooming
Recovery means lots of sleep, rest, hydration, and exercise. Specifically paying attention to anytime I want to game to see if I feel stressed or uncomfortable, taking a break when that happens.
To top off this post, I want to attach something that I want to erase from my whiteboard, but want to save forever:
Reasons Why I’m Ready
I’ve developed very deep and powerful life theories (flow, connection) → these theories can give anyone direction in darkness, I forget them but they come back when I need them
When faced with pain I’ve always come out stronger (ACL) → pain is the greatest teacher
I’ve proven that I can complete hard challenges (knee, sova) → I can achieve the challenges I set my mind to
I can solve problems few people can solve (triage, nikola) → normal rules don’t apply
I’m deeply attuned to emotions (coaching, art, philosophy) → makes it much easier to connect with people
I used to walk up to girls on the street → Nothing is something I can’t handle. There is nothing that I can’t ask for
No matter how badly I fail there are people who still love me
The point is not to get there, be productive or succeed, the point is to find a meaningful problem, problems we want to solve → we will never have no problems but we can choose which problems we want to contend with
Happiness doesn’t come from acing the past but seizing the now → its never too late to be happyIt’s near too late to fix it with a degree in engineering and parents who don’t mess with me
I have lots of assets and saving and a degree in engineering and parents and a sister all with money saved
