Vision Challenge 3: Big Improvements

Byjack

I just came back from standup paddleboarding and I feel really really good. Everything is clear and easy to see. I need to find a way to go and play on the water more.

I also was thinking about how if the eye is constantly in a state of contraction, we might need to do some sort of massage in order to help loosen and relax the ligaments and the muscles. I don’t know yet what kind of massage will work. All the current massages only target the areas around the eyes.

I wasn’t able to test my vision on my phone because it is out of battery but I tested on very small text on a book an the results are mindblowing.

12.5 cm to see clearly.

100/12.5 = -8 diopters

Vision Challenge 2: Making Things Easy

Byjack

So immediately after thinking about the eye challenge post I just wrote, I decided that I’m making things too difficult and over complicated.

I should keep things simple and increase my likelihood of success.

  • Don’t limit screentime, instead, increase outdoor time and sports
    • I love being on the water, go swimming and paddleboarding more
    • Take off glasses as much as possible when it would make things easier
  • Simple simple measurements for eyesight (see video below)
  • Try drawing stuff from really far away for breaks in between long computer sessions

Current approx eyesight:

about 6cm away from phone for clear vision

100/6 = -16.6 diopters

Vision Exam Challenge 1

Byjack

Today I booked at eye exam.

The date of the exam is Tuesday May 25th, which gives me about 6 days to prepare.

What I’m looking for this exam to do is to validate where I am visionwise and jumpstart my journey to better vision.

I’m going to be using the following ideas.

  • Feel the feelings
    • Don’t need to try to relax or try to tense, just notice the feelings and sensations
  • Feedback loop
    • Lots of vision tests to understand whether or not I’m improving or not
  • Analogies
    • Understand how vision works and try to strengthen and stretch where needed
    • Use the same knowledge from stretching a good posture here (muscles work in groups)

Understing the Eye

According to this article, it says:

“When you look at things that are far away, muscles in your eye relax and your lens looks like a slim disc.

When you look at things that are close, muscles in your eye contract and make your lens thicker.”

So the key is to relax right? Well, yes and no. Muscles always work in groups. If certain muscles are constantly too tense, then there are certain muscles that must be weak (since if one set of muscles never relaxes, the other set must always be weak).

After researching further, I found the muscle responsible for focusing the lens of the eye. It’s called the ciliary muscle and it looks like it doesn’t actually work in pairs but is like smooth muscle tissue of the stomach.

An interesting article is here and I signed up for the guys course to see what was up.

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I Wish I Could Hold Her

Byjack
I Wish I Could Hold Her

You can’t willingly choose to be with someone

For 308 days

And not love them

I feel unsure as to whether I want

To be with her

But I love her so much

I don’t think she knows

Because last time we spoke

I was all harsh and tired and angry

I cry every time I think about what she said

That she looked up airbnbs for me

That she was excited for me to visit her

I love the way she swings her feet when she is excited

I love the little snuffles she makes when she sleeps

I was afraid she had no empathy

But she always did for me

How sad she felt when I am sad

I wish I could hold her

Protect her from the world

It’s complicated because

I feel like maybe 

I can’t be in a relationship now

That I need to be able to explore freely

See what else is out there

Why do I have to hurt my little sloth

For me to get what I want?

I’m happy when she is happy

And I hurt when she hurts

I want to be her friend forever

To comfort her when she cries

To make her laugh and smile

To be there for her when no one else is

Taking Care of Myself

Byjack
Taking Care of Myself

It’s the hardest thing

The first instinct is to fix it

To figure out what would I need to do

To make it work

It’s hard to let that go, and take time for myself

To do the things that I need to do

I’m starting to figure out the mystery of why I lost motivation

And that clarity gives me hope

My first instinct would be to tell her

What was missing for me in the relationship

What I need for me to want this again

But maybe she doesn’t want to hear it

Maybe it’s too much for her already

And I know it is too soon anyway

I need to forgive myself

Be loving to myself

Sleep

Take care of myself

I Wish I Knew Why

Byjack

I Wish I Knew Why

Maybe it was the defiance

Or feeling like I couldn’t have a reasonable conversation

Maybe I was just tired of having a virtual relationship

Or just feeling like she had no drive

That everything was just too difficult with her

That she couldn’t connect with me on art, music, dance, and singing

Maybe none of that is true

And my exhaustion is making me depressed

And I think my unhappiness is because of her

I wish I knew

Because I just didn’t have the will to fight for us anymore

I half wanted her to say she didn’t want it anymore

I wish I had a reason for hurting a girl who was

So devoted to me

So kind and sweet

A girl who I still care so deeply for

It hurts

My eyes drip with sadness

I hope she’s going to be ok

I hope she finds happiness

I hope the deep pain within her

Heals

I feel sad

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I Don’t Want To Feel Her Feelings

Byjack
I Don’t Want To Feel Her Feelings

Every time I read her words

My hatred for her grows darker and angrier

That I have no choice but to respect her

That she is significantly better

And I’m just jealous

She ruined this game for me I’m sure

It took me so long

To find the drive to learn

To explore

To have fun

Yet all the things I taught her

How to use smurfs

Trying out duelists

Buying on the second round

She realized makes sense

She isn’t even as toxic anymore

Yet she still thinks she’s better

Still thinks that hunting for kills

Wanting to put other people down

Is correct

It’s a poison

I can’t play the game anymore without it seeping in

Talking to her

Ruins me

Yet she is too bored to talk about anything else

Because all she respects

Are people who do well in the game

And are mean to everyone else

She cannot fathom

How little respect I have for those people

That I hate them more than anything

That I never wanted her to be like that

That what I truly respect

Is the love for learning

Passion for the game

Looking for new ways to explore and have fun

To take on the challenge

And rise up to it

To bring others with you

Now I am horribly upset

And I don’t know how to even recover

Life feels empty and all I feel is hatred

All I want to do is make her feel pain

Nothing I cared about in life matters to me anymore

Nothing seems fun

I hate everything

I wish

She was good at the game

Was passionate

Wanted to share it with me

Wanted to teach me

Wanted to work together with me in the game

Wanted to play together

Have fun

Explore together

But all she cares about

Is using it to put other people down

It’s funny

In the beginning

She made me love this game

More than anything

Now I hate it

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Misaligned

Byjack
Misaligned

It’s been bothering me

All day

All night

Nagging at me

This feeling I cannot place my finger on

Something 

Misaligned

The easiest way to see this

Is how much respect 

She has for her friend

Wealthy

Privileged

A liar

A cheater

Skips school

Steals for fun

Likes being toxic

Likes fighting people

“Winning” arguments

As if life is handing out prizes

For the most annoying waste of space

Yet somehow

These are not the traits she dislikes

But admires

She loves it when her friend buys her things

She also lies

Also likes to cheat

Also plays mind games

Skips school together

Is envious of the stealing

Tries to be even more toxic

Like fighting people too

She seems to respect her friend so much

A near high school dropout

She claims I won’t be able to handle her

That she will somehow break me emotionally

As if I don’t have years more experience

Intelligence

And self-awareness

And yet

Everything good in this world

That I love

Exploring the world

Learning about math and science

Reading books

Being kind and empathetic

Singing and dancing

Succeeding in school

Being smart and competent

Are all somehow undesirable

Somehow

Cringy

Boring

I don’t know

I’m confused

I don’t understand

What world she even lives in

How can I connect her world with mine

I still love her

And I have no idea

What to do next

It makes me feel

Confused

Afraid

Angry

Unhappy

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My Heart Is In the Back of My Throat

Byjack
My Heart Is In The Back of My Throat

And it hurts

Like fucking hell

When I think she says

I need autotune

And a backing track

That everyone who told me I was a good singer

Was probably being nice

Probably joking

And laughed when I told her that I try not to sing around girls I like

Because they always seem to like me afterward, and I don’t know if they actually like me

Or my singing

I’m livid

The subtext is clear

That I’m stupid or naive

Too wrapped up in my own head I can’t hear my own recordings properly

That I’m somehow terrible despite all evidence to the contrary

I can’t tell if she is tone deaf

Or just has such a low opinion of me, she assumes I’m bad

Or simply has an extremely high bar for singers

She can’t see any of the beauty that most people see

She doesn’t get that look

That I see in people’s eyes when I sing

That focus

Like I’ve completely captured their attention

She’s not like the mean girl in class

Who smiled at me and said hi for the first time after I sang

Or the blonde girl on the bench

Who started talking to me

After she heard me sing

She wasn’t all the people who told me that they wished they knew how to sing

She’s like the girl at work

Closed off

Sitting at her desk

Grumpy

Always with headphones on

Or my friend’s ex boyfriend

Who was probably jealous

He couldn’t sing

Because he thought I was annoying

Even though my friend thought I was cool

She tells me

There is only one person

Who she liked when they sang

A girl who was her old friend

I wonder why

She is able to see the beauty in her friend’s voice

But unable to even stop herself from shutting me out

When I sing

Because out of all the people

Who I wanted to share this beautiful thing with

The one I wanted to pour my heart out to

The one I wanted to look at me in that way

When I sang

Focused

Entranced

Like in a spell

Was her

And my heart is telling me

She will never get it

She will never hear my voice for what it is

The Perfectionist’s Life

Byjack

I was struggling really hard on making videos recently and struggling even harder to figure out what I’m doing with my life.

I know this is in large part to the enormous pressure that I put on myself in order to do well and it makes me very angry that my parents brought me up in such a way, a way in which I feel constantly paralyzed with the fear of anything less than perfection.

There are a few things that I found relief with:

MENTALITY 1: The focused mindset

Let everything else fall away but the feeling of what you are aiming at (whether it is to walk, to move, to express) and the sensations within your body. Feel the right time to strike, to act.

MENTALITY 2: The meditative mindset

Let everything fall away, most of all, your identity. Feel the universe around you and wait patiently for something to surface, let all conscious thoughts and solutioning to dissolve like sugar in water. Only sensations remain, and the vastness of space.

MENTALITY 3: The unchained mindset

Give yourself permission to do and think about everything and anything. Accept yourself for everything. Give yourself permission to do anything. Imagine that you’ve already done it and give yourself permission to do it.

In the end of the day, I realized that it’s not about what you do with you life. You can do anything. You can always change your mind. It’s more of a question of what you want to do right now if you can do anything that you want.