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Sad At The Party

Byjack
Sad At The Party

I was sad at the party today

So sad, two people asked me what was wrong

It’s only because of you

That I was even willing to tell them

To let them in

I stayed until midnight

Then went to another party

Because I didn’t want to face myself alone

Face my pain, my heartbreak

How is it

That two people who love each other so much

Can’t give each other what they need

I know I did the right thing

That I set us both free from our prisons

Me from my torture, her from her cage

I gave us a way out

But I hope that way

Doesn’t lead away from each other

Forever

My friends told me that this will help me learn

That I will find someone new

But I don’t want anyone else

Even though we were not working

I only want her

Sometimes, when I feel clear

That we really did have something special

That it was real love, it just didn’t work

I feel a little peace

Before the pain comes washing back

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Valorant 12: The Movement Gun

Byjack

I realized recently that having really insane movement is better for certain types of guns. Specifically the phantom.

I tested this theory today, by playing phantom and I think the results speak for themselves.

A couple of notes:

  • The Vandal will require a different mindset to play (the catch them on the crosshair, holding angles type of mindest)
  • Movement is really good but need to peek tighter angles still

Overall, I need to pick the weapon best suiting my mood and the map. Vandal for slower smoother headshots, phantom for more energetic aggressive plays.

I’m Afraid To Let Go

Byjack
I’m Afraid To Let Go

One day you will see
How you were so focused
On self-soothing
On finding your comfort alone
You forget that you ignored
A man who loved you
For a game
So trivial
You may lose interest in the next month
For you, it’s a question of winning
Of being right or wrong
But for me
It’s a question of love
I wonder
If I have so little self-respect
To spend so much time
Money
Effort
To cheer you up
Just for you to go back to the game
And put me second
Or perhaps this is what love is
And I should keep believing
That you just need
More time
To see
That you can let yourself
Need me

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Stuck Between Two Worlds

Byjack
Stuck Between Two Worlds

She told me she got used to it

Being gone

But I don’t ever want her to be used to it

I want her to feel a pain deep in her chest

Like a part of her is missing

When I’m gone

That all she wants

Is to be whole again

I’d do anything to feel that love again

But I realize, that in order to make room for her love

I forgot some of my own

I forget the world where everyone tries to be kind

Where people push themselves to learn and succeed

Where facing your fears is exciting

Where nothing is impossible

And I wonder

If she has anything else to give me

But her love

And when that love is faint

I feel

Bored

 

It is sometimes a difficult thing to be in love. All you want is to be together all of the time but if you are moving at different speeds it can hurt so much. You worry if you want to move forward, you will be doing it alone. It’s hard to feel like the only way you can be with someone, is if you stay where they are. I think there is hope though. Relationships that aren’t in person will also struggle with connection. But I worry sometimes there is no hope. And that worry fills my heart with fear.

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Valorant 9: The Last Bullet

Byjack

I just warmed up with a pistol spike rush then tried to do a little exercise I call – the last bullet.

Immediate benefits:

  • Warms up hand with all the spraying, next time should use to control spray pattern
  • Spray warns enemies for harder fights
  • Need to focus on switching weapons
  • Need to often wait for them to enter your crosshair
  • Started to feel the movement-based aiming a little more for some reason

I tried it again today with AMAZING results (no recording though). This really helps you take your time in a nice way. The easiest way to start is to try to “catch” them on your crosshair when you enter. Then you progress to “catching” people on my crosshair.

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Valorant 11: Getting Back From Being Washed

Byjack

I’m doing REALLY badly with Valorant. Some observations:

Good Things
  • Movement is actually REALLY good
  • Aim is not bad
  • Gamesense OK
What I Need To Work On
  • Stop having the bad habit of moving TOWARDS the enemy. Try to keep strafing. More so in game, but also in deathmatch.
  • Movement is good, but move in the way to isolate angles, don’t try to peek too hard.
  • When aiming, need to have a smoother crosshair, don’t let the movement throw off crosshair
  • Need to work more on “catching the kills” and timing
    • Catching kills is mostly trying to hold angles, need to feel the swing (either wide or close)
    • Need to feel the timing of how soon and quickly to peek back out after missing
    • Use movement to adjust aim
    • Spray through and feel out the preaim (feel out where they are)
  • Can improve movement by using the crouch/crouch peek more often

Overall, I think I’m not doing as badly as I think I am. Just need to slow down the frantic movement to have steadier crosshair movement. I need to hold angles more, and only peak when I feel like I can snap onto a head (catching the aim).

Like in my aiming exercise, I should only hold angles, until the aim comes alive for me.

The biggest downfall I see multiple times is using movement to get closer when I can just hold the angle from far away. My aim is actually really good, just don’t give it any room to shine.

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What She Saw In Me

Byjack
What She Saw In Me

I saw a video today

About how we should love ourselves

For things

The people we love

Saw in us

She loved my appearance

Thought I was handsome

I’ll indulge in my appearance

Feel proud

Groom myself

She loved my intelligence

I’ll indulge in that

Try to decipher

The world’s problems

She loved me for my emotions

I’ll indulge in that

Seek to find emotion

In art

In myself

In other people

She loved me for my skill

I’ll indulge in that

Not being afraid

To take the game

To new levels

She loved my laugh

I’ll indulge in that

Surround me with humor

She loved me because she understood me

I’ll indulge in that

Confide in her

Confide in people who get me

She loved me because I needed her

I’ll indulge in that

Seek to be taken care of

To be cared for

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The Beauty of Eternal Loneliness

Byjack
The Beauty of Eternal Loneliness

When I met her

I felt whole

Her love

Insistant, constant

Made me feel safe

Made me feel free

Accepted

Made me want to feel

Devoted

But when the loneliness came back

I tried to lean

On her

And I leaned instead

On a wall of toothpicks

Left behind

When I fell

The toothpicks scattered around me

I’ve never felt more alone in my life

I tried to fill something missing in me

With her

So much

I forgot

No one is forever

We are alone

From the moment we draw our first

To the last

And when I tried to desperately fill

The loneliness with her

The loneliness that was a part of me

I also lost

The one person

Who was there

Before she came

After she leaves

The only one

Who can be alone together

With me

Me

 

There is no shame in loving hard, loving deeply. All love comes with sadness and a special sort of sadness that can be so unbearable we try to cover its beauty. But don’t be afraid. Love is the most beautiful emotion we feel. 

We seeks people who can heal us, compliment us and challenge us. It is the best thing in the world to seek out such people. Finding other people can be the most rewarding experience ever.

However, when we feel lonely, it reminds us to ask ourselves the question:

  • How do I feel? Let the answer come to you.
  • What would make you happy? What if you gave yourself permission to fail?

If we worry too much about losing someone:

  • We feel the feelings
  • A reminder that we are always alone
  • We let our frustration out in a way that feels good (running, hitting something)
  • Creating art that feels good
  • Focus on the present, that is all that exists

We should never be afraid to love. But we should be afraid of trying to replace ourselves with them.

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The Darkest Night

Byjack
The Darkest Night

Ice fills my heart

When I think of the darkest night

Darkness

Drunk confusion

Was it worth it

To take the soft girl

And break her soul

That night

Leave her

Exposed

Vignette on the bed like a polaroid

Did you grin and smile

Lamplight on your face

On the parking lot

Beer in hand

While your friends

Moved on to the next party

 

In this poem I’m letting myself feel and process feelings of deep shock, dissociation, anger, fear, visceral graphic-ness and endless night.