Rental Car Nightmares

Byjack

A couple of weeks ago, I rented a car at National car rental. My sister returned it for me, and I got a shock in my email a few weeks later.

I immediate assumed this had to be a scam, or some sort of mistake. But the more I read, the more that I could tell this was actually legit. They had the right time, the right place and right company. They were charging me for $1295.81 for damages to the vehicle.

Looking at this deeper I noticed that the line items were VERY extensive, replaces door parts and handles. According to them, the car was HEAVILY damaged.

Looking at the pictures, I could barely see any of the damages they were indicating. It almost felt like they were offloading the cost of wear and tear on me.

Obviously I was LIVID.

  • I knew that there were some small marks on the car when I picked it up, but I never took any pictures.
  • I knew that no damage whatsoever happened when I had the car. I didn’t think any of this damage was on the car when I picked it up, but the damage in the photos are so subtle its hard for me to be sure.
  • I had rental insurance specifically for this car, but didn’t want to file a claim for something I didn’t do.
  • My sister had someone walk around the car and CONFIRM it was ok before she returned it. They parked it, and who knows what happened after that.
  • National has a service for their “Emerald Isle” premium members where you can pick up and drop off a car without ever seeing someone.
    • This now seemed like a LIABILITY not a PERK since now I can’t get them to acknowledge damage on the car.
    • I’m a new member and if they were going to be f*cking sticklers about this whole thing, they should have EXPLAINED it to me. I would have got them to sign off on EVERY F*CKING SCRATCH BEFORE AND AFTER returning the car.

So I went to chase down this problem:

  1. I called National Support, and they told me that I needed to call their damage unit. I asked them to make a note on my case so I wouldn’t have to repeat myself.
  2. After I called their damage unit, they redirected me to someone else.
  3. After getting to another person, they redirected me to someone else.
  4. The last person seemed to know what they were talking about, but I had repeat myself because she could not access any of the notes that National Support wrote down.

The last woman who oversaw the appeals to the damages told me the following information:

  • Generally its better if you take photos beforehand, however, in situations where the “damage” is so small it is easy to miss, you can appeal and they will dismiss it. They consider it human error.
  • She told me that my “damages” were definitely small enough that someone might have missed it before (so it may not be caused by me).
  • She agreed to waive all of the fees.

So my lessons learned from this whole experience:

  1. Always get rental car insurance just in case.
  2. Take a video when you pick up the car to prove the condition of the car beforehand. (It’s gonna be me in the parking lot being like “hey this is me in the parking lot picking up this car at X time” so they have proof I didn’t take the video at some other place or time)
  3. Take a video of the car when you return it.
  4. If they try to charge you for something really small and not visible in your videos, appeal, and they will probably dismiss it.
  5. It’s good to be a mix of legitimately angry (I was furious) but polite at the same time (I apologized in advance telling them I was very upset but I knew it wasn’t their fault personally). As a result, they were helpful and resolved my issue quickly.

A day later I got an email.

I Made Myself A Deal

Byjack

When I left, I made myself a deal. If it was meant to be, she would reach out and try to make it work. If it wasn’t, I would at least set both of us free to pursue our lives.

If it wasn’t meant to be I wonder why. I told her she could be forever for me. When I had her, I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. But now I feel more alone than ever. I wonder if she can even love a man with her trauma. I wonder if she’s more immature than I thought. I wonder if I wasn’t able to give her what she needed. She wasn’t after all, able to give me what I needed.

All I can do is sit and try to feel the feelings of heartbreak, anger, shame, and fear. And enjoy creating art from it.

Today created a video to myself.

Sometimes we don’t always win. Sometimes we have to be ok with losing. Sometimes we have to be ok with not being good enough.

The Way Star Signs Might Work (A Theory)

Byjack

One of my good friends is obsessed with star signs and by proxy, I’ve gotten pretty into them as well. However, I’ve had my doubts. While it seems possible they actually tell you about what kind of person someone is (although I find it to be far less precise than systems like Myers Briggs and the Enneagram) one thing has always bothered me. Star signs make no logical sense.

How can the position of the sun and the moon determine your personality? Do all people who are born at the same time and place have the same personality? Where did they even come up with the correlations? Isn’t this based on mythology?

The first thing you should know about star signs is that everyone has multiple signs. The sign that most people focus on is the “sun” sign (basically the positioning of the sun when you are born) as it is supposed to be the dominant sign. However, there are signs for the positions of all the planets and the moon.

The three most “important” signs according to astrologers at the Sun, Moon, and Ascendant signs (in that order), and actually gave me this idea of why star signs are not completely bogus.

The Sun, for example, is dependant on the month of the year you are born, the moon the time of the month, and the Ascendant the time of day and location of your birth.

What first got me thinking was that it occurred to me that the personality attributed to each sun sign seemed to match the general climate and weather of the months the signs were connected to. For example, Capricorns are people born between December 22nd and January 20th the coldest times of the year for many places. Capricorns are incidentally known for being cold, calculating, and driven by a need to succeed. Taurus, known to be easygoing and mild are born April 20 – May 20 the most warm and mild times of the year. Leos are known for their fiery passion and confidence are born between July 23 – August 22, the hottest times of the year. 

I asked before how everyone born at the same time in the same place had the same personality – perhaps they DO in some small part. Perhaps the climate and the time of day and month, the location on the planet have a profound effect on who we become and what we like because it determines the environment we are born in.

It is not inconceivable to me, for example, that babies born in winter may grow up to be harder colder, and more driven people (as a large generalization). And it’s not inconceivable that people born with the same Ascendant sign (with the same time and place of birth) might share a thing or two in common.

Even more beautiful is the thought that just as the position of the sun affects us with our seasons, perhaps the position of ALL the stars and planets affect us in some way – even if the effects are unseen and mysterious. Perhaps we are more a people of the stars than we know. I know I’d love to believe that.

To Love and Lose Love 2

Byjack

I was feeling extraordinary pain in my heart because everywhere I look, everything from TV Shows to notification sounds reminded me so much of her, and I was hit by the realization I may NEVER talk or hear from her again. I may never laugh and smile at something she sent me. I may never be able to tell her something exciting from my life, may never joke around and have fun together.

It was so painful I did a “shamanic journey” meditation in order to connect with my feelings and try to grow from the deep excruciating pain that I feel from losing her. Here are the steps:

  1. Turn on shamanic drumming music
  2. Lay down and close your eyes
  3. Imagine a room in your mind’s eye
  4. Go down from the room into your heart
  5. Meet with the different parts of yourself and ask your questions

My internal landscape was all storm and hard edges. I asked, “How do I deal with this pain? How do I deal with the overwhelmingly painful feelings I feel whenever something reminds me of her? How do I even go on with my life?”

I received the answer: Many things in life I actually put on hold because she took up so much of my life. I can focus on those things. To name a few:

  • Singing – she hated that
  • Drawing – I was too busy with work and thinking about her to work on it
  • My business with my sister – Again too busy
  • Valorant – Too busy again
  • Making other friends – I didn’t care about anyone else

Then I was filled with despair. “What if I forget her? I loved her with all my heart and cherish so many happy memories that I’m not ready to let go of yet.”

I received the answer: There are still many, many things that remind me of her, and all of our happy memories. She will always be with me in a way. I can always turn to those things to remind me of her even if it is painful.

To Love and Lose Love

Byjack

A dear friend of mine who I was deeply in love with just cut ties with me. And I’m surprisingly calm.

Part of it is because I don’t think there is much left unsaid or anything I really regret about the whole friendship/relationship we had. I loved so many things about her. The way she made jokes, the sound of her voice, the patience and love she showed me at my worst. I will never forget that and I think she’s changed my life in ways she probably doesn’t even know.

I only wish she felt safe enough, trusted me enough, to tell me about how she truly felt. The worries, the emotions, the anger she was going through, I wish she trusted me enough to be open about it – so I could be as loving as she was for me and be closer today for it. In the end, she gave up on me – just like I had almost given up on her earlier in the friendship.

There are two things that still make me feel like someone is ripping apart my heart with a fork:

  • The fear that I wasn’t ever really special to her. That maybe she will turn around and say and do all of the things she said and did for me to the next person down the line. Maybe she has already found that next person. Maybe that is why she left. This hurts me somewhere so deep it’s hard for me to face fully.
  • The hope that she will come back. Hope is pure torture. I’m afraid it will drive me mad if I dwell on it too long.

There are more steps of grief, more growing I will need to do. But this is how I feel right now.

Deep Reflections Late At Night

Byjack

I was in a men’s support group tonight and I was mulling over some of the recent discoveries I had:

  • I realized that the right person in your life will be someone who will accept everything about you. Someone who isn’t like that may just not be right for you.
  • I usually walk away at the first sign I feel someone doesn’t understand me. I learned not to give up so quickly if it’s someone I love. If they care about you, they will try to understand. It may take some time, but they will. 
  • I realized I have a very deep-seated hatred of women that is shoved down so deep I didn’t know it existed. I feel this has affected my life in profound ways and I want to explore this deeper and understand why.
  • I realized that the way I work myself to death isn’t healthy and I need to find a better way.

I chose to explore the last realization – how I approach work. Through the discussion and coaching, I realized the following:

  • I feel deep shame for asking for help because I feel like this means I’m not good enough and disorganized.
  • I think of everything in terms of lone wolfing everything  – when in fact I work on a team. The work I do benefits the company I work for, my colleagues and my customers (as I believe in the product).
    • There is no shame in asking for help.
    • In the past, when I used to troubleshoot customer issues, I would work until 4 am in the morning and not feel like it is work because I know who it is for, and how  I am helping them (I felt good about it).

I resolve going forward, that every time I get overwhelmed and feel the urge to procrastinate I’ll do the following:

    1. Ask myself who I am helping
      • Myself for the money and experience I will gain
      • My family, and friends because of the money and time, and experience I can share with them if I succeed at my work
      • My colleagues for how my work will benefit their lives and careers
      • My customers for whom my work will transform their businesses and their personal careers.
    2. Focus on doing the work to help them (not just to get it done).
      • I will never forget the story of the teacher who said the moment that teaching transformed for them was the moment that they stopped trying to teach, and focused on helping their students learn. This feels like that moment to me.

I need to be kinder to myself. To enjoy my life when I’m tired and my body is hurting. I should eat out, take breaks, watch tv. There is no shame in asking for help. I’m on a team. Most of all, I should focus on how my work will help others not just myself.

|

Dancing With Posture and Other Things to Try

Byjack

I just checked out this video from a channel my dance teacher recommended and it’s literally soo good.

Here are some of the concepts I’m taking from this:

  • I need to stand up much straighter and play with the levels more, instead of being hunched and looking at the floor.
  • I need to work on seeing where the movement goes, let the movement keep going, follow where it goes.
  • Start with the most comfortable posture, then develop from there.
  • I always am told to imagine the story but its hard for me, because I’m imagining MYSELF
  • I think what will work for me is imagining the world or space I’m IN (instead of visualizing myself, I visualize an imaginary box I’m in, imaginary walls).
  • I can also try visualizing the “gesture” of the move (kind of like a drawing gesture).

Nothing to add here. Exercises are AMAZING for musicality:

  1. Dance to music with your fingers
  2. Dance to music with very small movements
  3. Dance with full movements
|

From New York to Austin: Dance Practice

Byjack

I found some cool walls in NYC and decided to do some footwork practice

  • Like it switching footwork and rhythm
  • Could work on integrating body movement more, play with isolation and connected movement
  • Could work on integrating elements like the spin more seamlessly
  • Practice without music is nice cuz you make your own beat!

Then I practiced in a store window on the street. You can see a guy in blue recording me in the background!

  • Great isolation
  • Need to work connection area around the hips (feel like the movement ends)

Next, I flew to Austin, Texas. I found this cool industrial area where they had not developed anything yet.

  • It’s really nice to play with the movement
  • I need to work on moving my whole body together then isolating
  • Specifically need to connect and incorporate the hips more

Then my sister and I were at a club and I practiced some dancing.

  • Felt self-conscious in the club, could have slowed down and played with the movement more
  • People in Austin are crazy…why is that girl stealing my spotlight??? LOL.
  • Really like the waving and smoother movements. Would have liked to see that lower down with the legs and hips instead of strict footwork.
  • Dancing to music is hard, need to feel it out.

Why I Loathe Feminists

Byjack

Today I was arguing with a friend about the popular streamer Pokimane, and I was getting really really angry. I wanted to know why. 

I realized recently that the reason why I hate her is because she represents everything I detest and loathe about women, feminism, and society. 

While I’ve always been sympathetic to women and women’s struggles growing up – I was always close to my sister (who is a year and a half older and very close) and has always felt closer to women as a whole growing up (I did a lot of art and often had mostly friends that were girls), when I grew older things changed. I still can appreciate the struggles that women face in terms of objectification by society and trying to find a place within male-dominated positions in society (such as the C-suite, IT, and sales) but my view on feminism has shifted from strong positive feelings to mixed feelings and sometimes outright hatred.

The way I see it, feminism is the reason for the following experiences I’ve had in my life:

  • Seeing all myself and other male colleagues who were above average intelligence struggle to find employment after college while all the women I knew had offers through the wazoo (even when they were average). What is even more interesting about this is that I work in a STEM field (I suspect recruiters try to hire an even number of men and women, but since women are so rare, they are in higher demand).
  • Learning that the “wage” gap between men and women was about 1 cent to the dollar when correcting for the same years of experience (women naturally have less when they have kids) even though they most common statistic cited is 18 cents to the dollar.
  • Getting constantly ignored and rejected in the dating scene without a hint of empathy from women (who seemed to have no idea the privilege that they had in this respect).
  • Literally felt afraid to ask women out because of experiences that made me feel like a woman might accuse me of harassment (nothing happened, but it’s a constant fear most men share after Me Too went from exposing some serial harassers to just talking about guys women think are “creepy”).
  • Seeing many women in my career perform average or below average claim that their work is not appreciated that they suspect discrimination is the reason that they are not promoted or raised.

It’s ok for women to reject men. It’s ok for women to want equality and to question why they were not promoted. It’s ok for women to point out times when they feel harassed and uncomfortable. Also, it is a valid concern that women have to choose between being a mother and being successful in their careers.

However, I hate the fact that feminists simply don’t understand or don’t care how hard it is for men. They support toxic women and toxic behavior as if women are always right. They often condone dismissing and invalidating problems that men face today. Men never talk about this because we feel like complaining is weakness and we should just “man up”. 

Here are the types of things I hear women say:

“Oh, so you were afraid that it would be seen as harassment? Just don’t harass you’ll be fine.” (Are you fucking kidding me? I know many great women but are you literally suggesting every single woman has perfect morals? Why even have innocent until proven guilty? What if she misread something?)

“Are you SURE she is actually mediocre? Maybe it’s just your bias?” (Yes I fucking know, they aren’t able to get the same work done at the same quality).

“Suck it up, everyone gets rejected.” (Have you ever considered that it is waaay MORE rejections than you can imagine? How about a bit of empathy?)

“It’s men’s turn to get discriminated against.” (So we are taking turns now? Should we resume discrimination against women again in a few years for payback?)

“He’s disgusting and creepy.” (Ok some men are…but sometimes this is just used as a way for women to justify hurting the feelings of someone they cannot be bothered to empathize with).

Men surely have many advantages and privileges in society, but so do women, just in different areas. As Jordan Peterson says (yes I know he’s a bit extreme but he’s the only one speaking the truth sometimes), men are much more likely to be lonely, depressed (commit suicide), unemployed, and go to prison. Women have lower expectations to perform than men (although this can backfire into mansplaining as people assume women know less) and have a much bigger selection when it comes to dating. Also, if they are attractive, they can get away with almost anything. You name it – being boring, rude, incompetent, even immoral.

I highly suspect that MOST women, if they lived a day in a man’s life would find it is significantly harder (despite gaining a number of privileges). They would realize how so many “nice” people are so much meaner when you are a man, that no slack is given to you or your feelings (crying will only get you laughed at), and that women can be extremely cruel and manipulative to men.

This brings me back to Pokimane. I don’t know her well enough to say for sure, but she strikes me as someone who gets away with fake and toxic behavior because she is famous, attractive, and a woman. And I fucking hate it.

Recently she announced getting to Immortal in Valorant on her own and lashed out against people who said she was boosted (got a rank via help from other people). 

Looking at the gameplay (below) she herself uploaded to Youtube, it’s very clear she is boosted. BY A LOT.

What I see:

  • Gold level utility usage (ok placement, uses util a lot)
  • Silver/Gold Aim (good crosshair placement)
  • Iron/Bronze Movement (absolutely no jiggling, strafe shooting, or creative movement)
  • Bronze Gamesense (horrible decision making, passable map awareness)

In other words, Pokimane is AT MOST platinum (which 2 whole ranks away from Immortal). Her skill level is honestly closer to Silver or Gold in my opinion.

However, people are still defending her, calling her critic “haters”. Some people even use misogyny to explain why people think she is boosted. This boggles my mind and makes me furious.

Why? Why not just hold her accountable? Why isn’t SHE just honest and try actually climb to Immortal?

When will people stop using feminism as an excuse to praise women who are dishonest and incompetent? When will they realize the tremendous privilege someone like Pokimane holds as a young attractive woman?

How to Be Good At Anything

Byjack

There is a realization I have recently been coming to slowly and it’s transforming my life.

It is weird because I’ve known this for a long time – I used to say that in order to master something, you need to focus on what feels uncomfortable (not on what is easy).

I don’t know what the new part of the realization is, but something has changed.

My new mentality is to always focus on what is unknown. For things that are logical (like the selling process) logically figure it out. For things that are artistic, form a vision and idea and feel it out.