Core Beliefs 4

Byjack

Today I will write a poem about the core beliefs on emotions pushing other people away and the I am bad core belief.

I Told My Mom I Was Sorry

I was feeling defensive

She made me feel

Uncomfortable

Like the stress she felt

Was being put on me

I lashed out accordingly

Hours later, I felt regret

I didn’t think it was her fault

She didn’t even fight back as hard

As she usually does

I wanted to be cold

And hard

But instead, I felt my emotions

And told her

I was sorry

That I didn’t mean anything I said

My mom is not good at apologizing

She finds it uncomfortable

But she looked at me

And told me

I know

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Writing Prompt: Comfort Item

Byjack

Prompt: What is a comfort item you enjoy? Why?

I love my couch. It is white but that is just a custom cover I bought for it. The cover cost me a pretty penny, about one hundred and fifty dollars. My dad said it wasn’t worth it. My couch wasn’t always mine. I bought it on Facebook Marketplace for about two hundred fifty dollars. It expands to be a queen-sized bed.

I love it because it always can give me a safe place to sleep when I’m spending late nights on my computer. It’s a nice place to meditate. I have more memories of sleeping on my couch than on my bed. The white cover is a bit scratchy but I like the feeling of it on my skin. It feels a bit like the canvases for my paintings before I put paint on them. Underneath the off-white cover is hiding a beautiful deep blue. I like thinking about how its still pristine under the cover.

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Workpost 28: Taxes & Art Therapy

Byjack

Today I feel very tired but at least better rested than normal. I really want to finish my taxes today and I also want to experiment with art therapy and exercise to help get through the stress and effort of finishing.

My initial thoughts about art therapy is that it is all about reconnecting with your body…to do flow theory or follow what you feel. Art is about touching the forms with lines and paint, music is about creating sound, dance is about moving your body.

I’m doing more research. Here is a video that talks about using art to find a safe place:

Here is another video:

Current art therapy ideas:

  1. Express what you feel kinesthetically
    • Scribbling
    • Banging on the piano
    • Flow theory dance
    • Free writing
  2. Create a safe space, express what feels safe
    • Drawing
    • Writing
    • Music
  3. Repetitive motions
    • Shapes
    • Chords
    • Motions

But how does this translate to greater art creation? How does this create a world?

Thinking about this more, art creation is about the following:

  1. What you want to share with others
  2. What you find beautiful
  3. What you feel wonder about
  4. What stories you want to tell
  5. What is quirky, unique, and creative
  6. What worlds you want to live in and provide others

I have a couple ideas of how to transition from therapeutic art to art art:

  1. My therapy exercise (take a problem and solve it in the story by making the main character face a problem 10x more painful)
  2. Express what emotions you are feeling strongly
  3. Capture a memory
  4. Start with a characters
  5. Start with world
  6. Do a fanfic
  7. Daydream

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Warm Days In The Middle of December

Byjack
Warm Days In the Middle of December

I run on the worn pavement

And it’s warm

So warm it feels like balmy spring

Not the middle of December

It makes wonder

How the fuel in the car

So hot

Can make our world burning up

Those plane flights to those wonderful places

Are the poison that fills the air

A girl who

You want to be with

Likes to hurt other people

For fun

December is sure

A strange month

And all the wonderful paradoxes

Won’t let me get out of my damn head

About it all

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To A New Place

Byjack
To a New Place

I’m in a new place

And I feel lost

When I asked her why

She told me

It’s because I am coping with the emotions

By not feeling them

That my old life

Gave me a lot of my needs

And that it will take time

For me to find it again

I asked myself

In the men’s group

What I should do

And the answer

Was to be alone

In nature

And to be ok

With everything

Being a complete

Mess

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I Only Felt That Way Once

Byjack

I Only Felt That Way Once

In the tiktok video

She was aggressively stating “shoulds”

The enemy of “is”

But one stood out to me

If you fall in love, you’re partner is the most beautiful one in the world to you

But I only felt that once

I used to think that meant I was in love

But I wonder

Was that love

Or just the honeymoon phase when you see

All the things you want to see

Yet there was a magic there I miss

Of not feeling anxious for a single moment

And I wonder what it would be like to feel like that

Maybe I will feel it when I fully embrace the anxiety

Feeling of frustration

Of shame

I don’t know

I just feel

Doubt

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She Knows

Byjack
She Knows

That calling is very important to me

That I only ask when I really want to

That I’m tired and lonely

That it’s excruciating to see her having fun

With others

When she refuses to play with me

That is why she gives me vague answers

In hopes that she won’t disappoint me

She knows

The lengths

I’m willing to go to

To make it work

Maybe she just cannot give me

What I need

Or maybe

When she’s upset

She cannot see anything but the negative

Forgets all the happy times

Forget the fun we had

How well we work together

Before she stopped listening

The love we shared

Before the angry words

How much she wanted to reassure me

Before she was afraid

How much she liked being mine

Before she wanted to push me away

The nights when she doesn’t want me to get off the phone

And told me I was right

That we always understand each other better

Be more real

On a call

I need rest

A very long one

Away from all of this

So I know 

What is best

For me

Focus on what I want

For a moment

It takes strength

To get past all the mess

To true understanding

And to part of a relationship

That is secure and loving

It’s like pushing an elephant

My feet are dug in

The struggle goes on

And on