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Finding My Feet In Austin

Byjack
Finding My Feet In Austin

Today I’m walking around with Yad

And I feel anxious because I don’t know what will happen next

What should happen next

But as I move

As I talk to girls

To guys

I feel more and more

Like this is the adventure I was looking for

This is the freedom I’m looking for

I don’t know where this is going

I just need to be able to stay in my body

And have courage

I’m so scared

But I feel a little hope now

This poem is about feeling so lost all the time. Not wanting to meet anyone or talk to anyone, but feeling so incredibly isolated and lonely. I’m afraid of wasting time but I don’t know where to focus my energy. But right now I realize that I just need to have an adventure and make an effort to overcome my fear of getting close to people or showing them who I am.

It’s not important to make the right decision, more so that I am able to feel the feelings.

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Creating Excitement in Productivity

Byjack

I’ve been seeking excitement in my life for some time now. The excitement of walking up to random people to ask for them to vote for my non-profit, jumping off something high for parkour, or talking to a pretty girl on the street.

All those things felt like they had an element of risk but felt extreemly freeing and rewarding.

I wanted to know how to get more of this in my life and I stumbled upon a way to bring it into the more mundane parts of life, and if I can bring it into the mundane, perhaps I can bring it everywhere.

I realized that this can be used in any area where I have the desire to act but feel too afraid and that this could be any type of fear, not just social fear. For example, I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety recently with feeling overwhelmed by things. For example, I feel overwhelmed at the thought of taking out the dishes, going to the gym, doing a duolingo test or playing an online chess match against a real person.

Using the formula that I developed with talking to women (but no longer use since I have a girlfriend), here are the steps:

  1. Imagine that I am going for it, and that I can imagine myself doing so within the next few seconds
  2. Imagine the fullest extent of “going for it”, how would truly committing look like, how would feeling effortless and free look like
  3. Let the fear/excitement build up in your chest as you start to breathe
  4. Let the energy carry the action – you don’t have to act if it feels wrong, but let the energy flow through your breathing and let it move you
  5. Continue to breathe through the experience to stay connected to yourself

These steps can bring a feeling of aliveness and control over life. I should know, I used it to write this very post and shoot the video below.

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Stuck Between Two Worlds

Byjack
Stuck Between Two Worlds

She told me she got used to it

Being gone

But I don’t ever want her to be used to it

I want her to feel a pain deep in her chest

Like a part of her is missing

When I’m gone

That all she wants

Is to be whole again

I’d do anything to feel that love again

But I realize, that in order to make room for her love

I forgot some of my own

I forget the world where everyone tries to be kind

Where people push themselves to learn and succeed

Where facing your fears is exciting

Where nothing is impossible

And I wonder

If she has anything else to give me

But her love

And when that love is faint

I feel

Bored

 

It is sometimes a difficult thing to be in love. All you want is to be together all of the time but if you are moving at different speeds it can hurt so much. You worry if you want to move forward, you will be doing it alone. It’s hard to feel like the only way you can be with someone, is if you stay where they are. I think there is hope though. Relationships that aren’t in person will also struggle with connection. But I worry sometimes there is no hope. And that worry fills my heart with fear.

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Ugly Water

Byjack

Ugly Water

My little sloth talks about her ugly water

In a roaring ocean

Of fear and hatred

Roaring outside

Inside her little room

She stands by the room

Holding it closed

Always holding

As she feels the pressure of it

About to overwhelm everything

Leaking

Like the seeping of dread

She looks and

It was a mistake

Because she forgot to hold the door closed

A Willingness to Endure Pain

Byjack

It is extremely hard to be yourself all the time. There will always be things that you want to avoid, that you are afraid of. Specifically, things that you don’t like about yourself.

Control gives the illusion of happiness. The fear of loss of control is like all fear and uncomfortable feelings. It is not something that needs a solution or be avoided. You don’t solve the lack of control by being more controlling. You don’t solve fear by avoiding your fear.

Emotions are meant to be reacted to, and the solution is meant to come to you, not something to be forced into existence. The most healthy way to process painful emotions is through physicality, expression and meditation:

  • Physicality – punching, running, yelling, screaming, crying and sort of physical release
  • Expression – writing, talking, recording a video diary
  • Meditation – letting the emotions come and go

I used to write that you should follow what you feel. Sometimes, you don’t KNOW how you feel. That’s ok. Clarity is about patience. The patience to wait for the answers to come, to be able to sit in the pain for long enough to see the truth.

And at the end of the day, clarity will bring an understanding of not just how we feel, why we feel it, but what we truly want. That is truly being ourselves, following what we want in the moment. Embracing that is the key to true happiness, confidence, and feeling truly alive.

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I Felt Relieved Sort Of

Byjack

I Felt Relieved Sort Of

When she didn’t want to talk about it

But it hurt

Like it always hurts

When I feel

This chasm

Between us

Her on one side

Telling me

I’m anorexic

Me trying to tell her

That we cannot control others

That we need to take responsibility for our emotions

It feels like abuse

Emotional abuse

The words that’s she says

I just realized

I never thought about that before

Because I am so used to my parents doing it

To me

To each other

I feel relieved

Sort of

Because I want to think about

Her soft skin

And her warm body

So sweet and kind

I don’t want to argue

And fight

Yet

I realized today

That doubt and comparison for me

Are the symptoms of repressed unhappiness

Maybe that’s obvious

I made a video about it once

About how comparison is about having a need that is not met

How we compare ourselves with others because we feel a lack

But I didn’t want to think about what that meant for us

That we aren’t compatible

I guess I don’t believe that is true

She feels right in the light of day

Like when you wake

From a bad dream

Yet

I am reassured

To know

My doubts are there too

In the light

Normal

Writing Prompt: Your Shadow

Byjack

Writing Prompt: What is a pet peeve and how does that relate to your shadow?

Today I was listening to a Youtube video about the Harry Potter houses and turned off the video because I could not listen to the voice of the YouTuber any longer. The way he was talking was so affected it felt like I was drowning in discomfort.

He would have an extra lingering syllable that would stick at the end of each word. Griffindorrra instead of Griffindor and thennnnna instead of then. I felt like his proclivities were clawing marks into my heart.

I was thinking to myself. I hate him so much, but I bet all the comments are people praising him and encouraging him to continue with this horribly affected speech. And then I thought, maybe some people actually like it. He did have a nice British accent.

I wondered why I couldn’t stand him.

I just felt this cloudiness this lack of clarity in speech and I despised that. The fakeness also made me feel uncomfortable. Do I judge myself for being fake or unclear? I don’t know but I suspect I do. To me, those two traits speak to the worst fate in the world, mediocrity.