Every time I am afraid
I feel confused and helpless
I ask myself
What should I do?
My mom told me what I should do
My dad told me what I should do
But maybe I outgrow their voices in my head
Maybe they become possibilities
Of what I could do
Maybe what I needed from my mom and dad
When I was confused
Is the space to self soothe
A safe place to feel the confusion
So the path would become clear to me
I’m scared
That you will like him
More than you ever liked me
That he will see your beauty want to win you over
Just like how I felt
When I first heard your voice
In a way,
I’m glad that I feel the anger and desperation
That it makes me feel the passion again
Want you to be mine
But I remember another time
When I felt like I was left behind for someone better
That I felt not good enough
And I wonder if you would like someone new
Like the first bite of an apple
Before the taste grows boring in your mouth
Sometimes I’m confused
Whether I’m pushing or pulling
Like the dream I had about you sitting next to me on a train
Your curls framing your face
So warm
Even with the beautiful view outside
I only had eyes for you
And the morning when I wondered what it would be like
To treat dating like another adventure
A new face every day
A new smile
Do you ever wonder the same?
Have you already felt so?
Did you wonder today?
When forget to ask me
If I still felt sick
This poem is about the painful feeling of desperation and jealousy when you are not always the center of someone’s world. Beyond the feeling is the passion you feel when you remember how desirable someone is.
I had a slower start to the day. I started the day on my phone, waking up a bit early because my new retainer is bothering me when I sleep.
I watched some Valorant, talked to my girlfriend, and now I have a flight in about 3 hours. I want to leave in about 2 hours. I still have to take out the trash, eat up some more food and load the dishwasher.
I did a bit of a workout and I found out a couple of things that help with regaining energy, and gathering chi:
Anyway goals for today. Just relax! I want to get all the chores sorted out and just spend the rest of my time relaxing.
I feel the warmth in my skin
As if she is with me
Safe and soft
I love her
Because yesterday
She made me feel safe
She made me feel close
She made feel like she belonged to me
There are so many worries
So many challenges
Some caused by me
Some caused by her
And some caused by no one
Just by our circumstances
But when I feel her close
My heart feels like it wants to fly
And I feel
Warm
I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m feeling tired lonely and unmotivated.
Feeling into more my feelings, I feel exhausted. Probably need to just hang for a bit.
I went to go hang for a bit and I feel a little better. However, I still feel pretty tired.
One thing that I want to point out is that I at least slept much better last night than previous nights and was able to go to sleep around 1 am instead of 2 or 4.
One of the things that I’ve been struggling with is mewing. Just like last time, I think I don’t know what to do with my jaw. I’m thinking I will focus on keeping the tongue in the top of my mouth and a good posture and not worry about closing my jaw because that feels uncomfortable (and for some reason my mouth gets really dry).
I’m trying to get back into my coaching mindset:
Well I got an artist interview in about 6 minutes, but after that, I want to go somewhere fun and write about the artist interviews as well as compile my notes.
Ok, it has been three days and every single day this week, my peace has been disrupted. Things are blowing up at work yet again and I don’t have the space and time that I need to think and introspect and work on my own things.
A couple of big wins:
So today’s challenge is not about working to further my coaching practice in any way, to work on reviewing VODs or editing my Instagram page or Instagram videos. It is simply about how to transform the chaos and stress that dominate the middle of my day and transform it into peace.
I have the French challenge coming up, and I want to be able to reliably work on that without being pulled all sorts of directions.
A little of introspection and meditation about it reveals to me that the reason why I’m so stressed is because I’m trying to control things that are out of my control. However, I feel the need to control things because I feel that there are many things threatening my boundaries.
The key maybe to have strong clear boundaries and needs, and to work on communicating them and to let go of controlling everything else.
Boundaries & Needs:
What I would like to do today, is before going into any meeting, remind myself of these boundaries and needs and ask myself, what is out of my control, what is within my control.
It’s not the fact that I loved her
Or the fact she used to read my blog every morning
Or the sound of her pretty voice
Or her jokes
Her emotions
Her caring side
Her acceptance of everything about me, even the dark parts
Her deep love for me
Or her photographs
Not her neediness
Or her eagerness to please me
What makes me cry
Is thinking about
How I always thought
I would be the one
To take her
Away from all the pain and suffering in her life
Hold her in my arms every night
Give her a space to heal and blossom
I thought I would be the one
To save her
But I’m not
That
Makes me cry