|

The Darkest Night

Byjack
The Darkest Night

Ice fills my heart

When I think of the darkest night

Darkness

Drunk confusion

Was it worth it

To take the soft girl

And break her soul

That night

Leave her

Exposed

Vignette on the bed like a polaroid

Did you grin and smile

Lamplight on your face

On the parking lot

Beer in hand

While your friends

Moved on to the next party

 

In this poem I’m letting myself feel and process feelings of deep shock, dissociation, anger, fear, visceral graphic-ness and endless night.

Similar Posts

|

Silence Speaks In Terrible Ways

Byjack
Silence Speaks In Terrible Ways

She told me she thought I wouldn’t notice

When she only replied to a handful of things

Of a series of long letters I wrote

How could I not notice

When I spend an hour

Pouring my heart out

Waiting every second of the day

For a response

She tells me she likes it when I write long letters

But I have grown wary of them

When I know

Most of it

Will never receive a response

She probably thinks that no response is better than a bad response

But silence is a response

It’s a blank check

For the deepest fears

And paranoia

Lurking in your brain

Letting your mind fill in the spaces

With explanations

For why the reason why the truth was too hard to say

|

The Bubble

Byjack
The Bubble

Our words to each other

Are poor feeble tools

Unwieldy, inefficient, inaccurate

Yet they built something

We fumbled yes

It’s part of our practice

And make me feel hope

That when we meet

We find ourselves

In a place where all else disappears

Except the two of us

Our minds

Our emotions

Mixing

Like water in a bowl

A place where words dissolve

Like mints

Into their true feelings

And our minds as one

Find a place

Outside space and time

|

Workpost 35: Naps

Byjack

I feel tired.

My body buzzing with pain in my stomach.

My eyes are sluggish.

Last night, I went to bed at 11, but fell asleep after 1AM.

I feel totally drained.

Maybe its time to go back to bed for a little.

So I wrote that at 8 in the morning. I just took a nap after cooking for the entire morning with delicious tea eggs and soup. Then I spent a few hours napping and now I feel much better.

I really think my productivity is so much worse when my health is worse.

More napping, meditation, and exercise in the future! Napping if I’m sleep deprived, meditation and exercise if I’m not.

Today, the aim I want to focus on is content creation. I want to finish my post, and workout and meditate for the rest of the day.

| |

Workplace 20: Basics

Byjack

I’ve been feeling quite down and unhappy recently.

I’ve decided after some meditation, journaling, and deep breathing that I want to focus back on the basics.

Here are the basics I already covered:

  1. Morning blog post and walk
  2. Nighttime journaling (most nights)
  3. 11-12 PM bedtime

Basics I want to further incorporate:

  1. Music and dance in the morning
  2. Deep breathing when I feel drawn to distract myself (indicates pain)
  3. Focus on creating delicious meals, taking time to enjoy eating and cooking

I’ve been processing the rejections in my previous post and I wanted to write a poem:

She Stared at Me

I remember the times when they just stared at me

As if they were surprised that I would even dare to ask

The girl in art history class

In the library

On the bus

That stare

Then that feeling I was reaching

For empty air

Something that didn’t exist

The feeling of people watching

Seeing me fail

Yet now I think about it

I was quite brave

I am a brave person

Willing to take the risk

I often didn’t believe in what I was doing

When I was trying to pick up girls

But now

With my career dreams

I do

Isn’t that worth a few stares?

Don’t I get the opportunity to shock

People out of their square lives

Square thoughts

Into my world?

I’m Afraid To Let Go

Byjack
I’m Afraid To Let Go

One day you will see
How you were so focused
On self-soothing
On finding your comfort alone
You forget that you ignored
A man who loved you
For a game
So trivial
You may lose interest in the next month
For you, it’s a question of winning
Of being right or wrong
But for me
It’s a question of love
I wonder
If I have so little self-respect
To spend so much time
Money
Effort
To cheer you up
Just for you to go back to the game
And put me second
Or perhaps this is what love is
And I should keep believing
That you just need
More time
To see
That you can let yourself
Need me

Core Beliefs 3

Byjack

Today I was talking to someone who thought that reprogramming your core beliefs and I’ve given this some thought.

  • It can be cringe if it isn’t genuine (forcing yourself to believe something that isn’t true)
  • It isn’t actually meant to be mindless affirmations but rather trying to get your mind to see a more balanced version of the truth. 
    • Ex: We are bad and our emotions do push other people away sometimes. But it’s not all the time. When you have a core wound, it’s something you are deeply afraid of and look for evidence for instead of looking at things clearly.
    • For example, if you believe you aren’t attractive, if ten people say you look good, and one person says you are ugly, you will believe the ten people are lying and the one person is telling the truth without being rational or logical about it. It doesn’t mean you aren’t ugly to some people, it just means it’s not as simple as you think it is.
    • If you successfully reprogram, you will take negative things less personally.
  • Reprogramming your subconscious means countering your habits of looking for evidence for the opposite of what you believe so you can see the fuller picture.
  • It can also be cringe if it is very surface level (mindlessness listing out five things)
  • Perhaps I want to take a more artistic approach and revisit different memories that contrasts against my core beliefs that takes me back to the feelings

Today I’ll do a little poem.

Zubats

It was nighttime in the art studios

Brandon’s smiling face

Shiny in the lights from above

He told me that the zubats were talking

And that he asked 

Jack or Michael

Jack of course

He told me that they said

Even though

They thought

I was a bit too arrogant