Protected: Workpost 3.1: Private Workpost

Time is really running out in the first part of this challenge.

Perhaps it is time to actually create a challenge. I want to create separate challenges for art coaching and AI consulting (now AI gaming).

However, I think it’s ok to do both at first because the setup for each is pretty light work and can be done at the same time. In that case, I can include today.

Setup Challenge (4 days, Sep. 2nd – 6th)

UNIT ONE: Workspace cleanup (day 1)

1. Ideal workspace brainstorm
2. Action items
3. Execution

UNIT TWO: Processing pain + work (day 2-3)

1. Workday for art coaching
2. Workday for AI gaming
3. No work needed, only emotional processsing

UNIT THREE: Planning (day 4)

1. Design a challenge for art coaching (3 days)
2. Design a challenge for AI gaming (3 days)

These days I’m focused on increasing my leverage.

My intuition tells me that three things will unlock the money making potential that my abilities have.

1. Focus. I need to be ok with saying no to more things, focusing on one thing at a time. Lack of focus is creating overwhelm, which in turn costs me my productivity.
2. Fear of rejection. My fear of rejection holds me back from doing things that would instantly make me more money.
3. Youtube and content creation. This is a communication/art skill that has tremendously high leverage if I can figure it out.

Currently, I don’t have much time every day because I go for a run everyday and I am working on my vision and taking care of my health. That means I have perhaps 3 or 4 hours of good working time.

I originally was thinking about giving up or changing this practice I have so I’m less tired and can work more, but I’m actually gonna practice something different, which is saying no to more things.

Today I feel the need to process more emotions. I got some leads, but I’m afraid to call them. I don’t want to call them at all.

It feels boring, annoying, and painful.

I’m afraid if I call these people that I’m going to be sent to voicemail, or pressured to answer questions I don’t know the answer to. I’m afraid I will say something wrong that will mess it up, or that none of these leads are real.

I feel this burning numbing fear in center and left and right of my chest.

It feels like a plastic cage like a kids toy. It hurts like swallowing a hard candy that is a little too big.

Everyone I’m calling are just people like me.

But what if they don’t want to talk to me. What if they want me to leave them alone? Why do people sign up for things and then decide they don’t want to talk about them? What if I need to act excited and interested but I’m not?

The point is to vet these people, they might not want to work with you but you might not want to work with them on the same token.

UPDATE: I ended up calling and securing one meeting!

I’m really struggling to process some feelings right now.

1. I am working through the stressful emotions that come up when I see an attractive girl
2. I am working through overwhelmed and frustrated emotions with my current project for my AI consulting
3. I am working through fear and stress I feel working on my pipelines
4. I am working through feeling of fear and anxiety around money

Let’s work through them one by one.

Attractive girl

Guilt, shame, deep desire

Center of my chest, painful clenching

Stomach clenching

I am bad

I am defective

I am ugly

I am guilty

I am rejected

I won’t ever find beauty or be happy

What if the perfect one is out there

It’s not about the perfect person who meets all your needs. It’s the relationship that meets all of your needs.

Why do I place all my hopes and dreams on a person? Because I want to be happy and I’ve only felt that in shallow relationships. I like meeting people. I like the feeling of possibility in life of variety.

Can I meet those needs in a relationship? Can I find novelty and excitement in a relationship?

Why is desire such an important need for adventures for me? Just because I’m in a relationship, doesn’t mean I can’t be attractive. But I want to find someone attractive, then for them and me to do the little romantic dance. I worry when I’m in a relationship, that’s not possible anymore.

I think honestly the fear comes from lack of needs being met in the relationship. Specifically around safety, social needs, chemistry, and inspiration. I feel if I felt if I felt safe to talk openly about people that are attractive and my partner is secure enough in herself, I felt my social needs are met, I felt strong chemistry, and inspired I would not find others attractive.

I want to switch my mindset over from comparing and wanting to meet my needs via others, and focus more on the relationship. Looking elsewhere is giving up on the relationship and if I really want to look elsewhere, I want to first end the relationship.

I don’t want to neglect my needs anymore.

I want to first meet my needs myself, then in the relationship:

1. Safety – self acceptance and kindness
2. Social needs – be in touch with moment, who people really are
3. Chemistry – spending more time on self care, self massage
4. Inspiration – reminding myself of the greatness I am capable of, of the change I can create

For the relationship, I want to continue working through needs course.

I feel fear in my chest when I think about my relationship. I feel uncertainty.

No matter what happens I will find peace and happiness because of the way I engage with the world.

My little emotional processing toolkit for meeting my needs:

1. Radical acceptance, hold myself, be curious, somatic
2. Self love, massage
3. Be in the moment, see things how they are

Chemistry

The indescribable feeling

Like the beauty of the red in the roses

Unfurled

Cutting in the corners, filling then in

This feeling of a world around you

That you carry everywhere you go

Our worlds meet

The openness to connect with me

Ok, this raises so many questions it is time to move along

Project Frustration

I feel lost, overwhelmed, and misunderstood.

What if I fail? What if its all for nothing? I don’t know what to do. It feels like so much work.

I don’t know what to do to be effective. I feel the time is running out so fast.

I need to focus on the end goal. Ignore everything else, its just a bonus.