Workpost 59: Feeling frustrated

Byjack

I’m really struggling to process some feelings right now.

  1. I am working through the stressful emotions that come up when I see an attractive girl
  2. I am working through overwhelmed and frustrated emotions with my current project for my AI consulting
  3. I am working through fear and stress I feel working on my pipelines
  4. I am working through feeling of fear and anxiety around money

Let’s work through them one by one.

Attractive girl

Guilt, shame, deep desire

Center of my chest, painful clenching

Stomach clenching

I am bad

I am defective

I am ugly

I am guilty

I am rejected

I won’t ever find beauty or be happy

What if the perfect one is out there

It’s not about the perfect person who meets all your needs. It’s the relationship that meets all of your needs.

Why do I place all my hopes and dreams on a person? Because I want to be happy and I’ve only felt that in shallow relationships. I like meeting people. I like the feeling of possibility in life of variety.

Can I meet those needs in a relationship? Can I find novelty and excitement in a relationship?

Why is desire such an important need for adventures for me? Just because I’m in a relationship, doesn’t mean I can’t be attractive. But I want to find someone attractive, then for them and me to do the little romantic dance. I worry when I’m in a relationship, that’s not possible anymore.

I think honestly the fear comes from lack of needs being met in the relationship. Specifically around safety, social needs, chemistry, and inspiration. I feel if I felt if I felt safe to talk openly about people that are attractive and my partner is secure enough in herself, I felt my social needs are met, I felt strong chemistry, and inspired I would not find others attractive.

I want to switch my mindset over from comparing and wanting to meet my needs via others, and focus more on the relationship. Looking elsewhere is giving up on the relationship and if I really want to look elsewhere, I want to first end the relationship.

I don’t want to neglect my needs anymore.

I want to first meet my needs myself, then in the relationship:

  1. Safety – self acceptance and kindness
  2. Social needs – be in touch with moment, who people really are
  3. Chemistry – spending more time on self care, self massage
  4. Inspiration – reminding myself of the greatness I am capable of, of the change I can create

For the relationship, I want to continue working through needs course.

I feel fear in my chest when I think about my relationship. I feel uncertainty.

No matter what happens I will find peace and happiness because of the way I engage with the world.

My little emotional processing toolkit for meeting my needs:

  1. Radical acceptance, hold myself, be curious, somatic
  2. Self love, massage
  3. Be in the moment, see things how they are

Chemistry

The indescribable feeling

Like the beauty of the red in the roses

Unfurled

Cutting in the corners, filling then in

This feeling of a world around you

That you carry everywhere you go

Our worlds meet

The openness to connect with me

Ok, this raises so many questions it is time to move along

Project Frustration

I feel lost, overwhelmed, and misunderstood.

What if I fail? What if its all for nothing? I don’t know what to do. It feels like so much work.

I don’t know what to do to be effective. I feel the time is running out so fast.

I need to focus on the end goal. Ignore everything else, its just a bonus.

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Workpost 36: Satisfied

Byjack

I feel tired today. Back is stiff. Eyes are blurry. Fatigue racks my body.

At least today, I tried to nap and relax in the morning. Will, try to continue today.

My goal is to feel satisfied enough by the end of the end so when I enforce strict bedtime at 11PM, I will feel good about it.

Workpost 84: Focus

Byjack

I’ve been feeling really out of sorts recently. Not going to bed at a reasonable time. Not brushing my teeth. Not eating well. And it all comes down to pressure. Pressure to post youtube videos. Pressure to perform at work. Pressure to rest my eyes. Pressure to do jiujitsu.

I feel beyond overwhelmed and turn to the only outlet I saw…gaming.

It’s almost as if my unconscious mind felt I really needed to meet my need to succeed and the fastest and easiest way with the lowest chance of failure is to win a game. Makes sense I guess.

In any case, I would like to return to a couple of core tenants.

  1. Extreme focus to deal with the overwhelm. I only need to focus on one thing at a time.
  2. Being there for myself. Asking myself every step of the day, what can I do to be there for myself.

In keeping with the tenant of focus, here are the priorities in order:

  1. Health – let myself take care of myself
  2. Getting work done for my job (to the degree where I feel comfortable)
  3. Youtube

Workpost 81: Making Money

Byjack

I’ve finally gotten my business cards done! I’m pretty happy about that.

The main thing to do next is to make some money today.

I was to focus primarily on making fast money, at least 300 today.

Other than that, I want to think about my next step in my plan – which is making videos.

Finally, I think my final potential goal for today is to call some active retired individual retreats and see if I can teach a class there.

Matches: Let’s Go Again

Byjack

I have a new structure I want to propose for my matches.

  • 5 mins – pregame win conditions (set my win conditions for the match)
  • 15 mins – warmup
  • 40 mins – the match itself
  • postgame eval (see how close I am to my win conditions)

Match 1

Objectives: Go through todo list and work list for anything quick and get it done or make progress

Win conditions:

  1. Speed: how quickly I make decisions and make progress (percentile)
  2. Precision: how accurate my decisions are (percentile)
  3. Ease: how rejuvenated and relaxed I feel (1-5)
  4. Innovation: how creative and efficient “smart” my solutions are (percentile)

Post match review:

I went through the tasks pretty fast and I was left trying to find more work to do. I thought some tasks were super tedious and it makes sense why I didn’t want to do them. I did experience some stress from the sheer speed I was going at and some breaks might have been nice.

  1. Speed: 65% percentile, fast but not crazy
  2. Precision: 65% percentile, accurate but nothing crazy
  3. Ease: 2 I honestly feel kinda tired, maybe no breaks
  4. Innovation: 20% percentile, not really innovative at all

I haven’t figure out a way to do the process of downloading statements faster before I started. I didn’t think particularly much about the upwork post before I did it. One thing I learned is a little of prep might go a long way also, some breaks can help.

UNIT ONE: Workspace cleanup (day 1)

Byjack
AI GamingArt Coaching
Ideal PlaceQuiet with cool game posters that give me inspirationSomewhere warm and comfy and inviting. Traveling, in the library, Craft, or Sa-Ten
Ideal ToolsMultiple monitors, clear file structure, keyboard, notebookSketchbook, drawing tablet on laptop and phone, clear file structure
Ideal WarmupMinigame, blog post, writing ideas in notebookInktober prompts, art instagram posts, blog post working out some sketch ideas

To-do list

  1. Decide on clear file structure for AI gaming
    • Github
    • Jupyter notebooks
    • Python code
    • Project documents
  2. Designate a coding notebook
  3. Think about alternative coding spots or ways to optimize effectiveness at home
  4. Connect tablet with laptop and phone
  5. Decide a clear structure for both branding sketches and other sketches
  6. Designate sketching notebook

Results

  1. Decided to start with Google Collab and branch out from there
  2. There aren’t any really good coding notebooks, will buy a new one eventually will use bad one for now
  3. Not sure
  4. Done
  5. Done
  6. Done
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Workpost 31: On an Adventure

Byjack

I feel like I’m on an adventure, even though I am only 40 minutes away from my apartment in Austin. I am in the city of Leander, northwest of Austin and I’m feeling a bit tired but excited about the solar eclipse today.

I’m in the library and I feel at home but also lonely. I think there is something about being in close proximity to books that remind me of my childhood and about daydreaming and reading about people’s lives and wanting to find close friends and conquer the world.

I feel lonely, and I wish it was easier to connect with others.

The library reminds me of elementary school when everything was pretty simple. If you wanted to be friends with people, you just became friends with them.

I’m feeling really tired because I didn’t go to bed very early last night. I also think the sleeping appliance and my sleep mask are not things I’m used to sleeping with so I don’t sleep as well with them.

I’m focusing on recentering on my house, and that anything is possible in my house.

Today there is a solar eclipse, and I’m excited for that. Maybe I will read a book really quick, then get some work done and drive over to watch the eclipse from this really cool park nearby.