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And I Didn’t Cry

Byjack
And I Didn’t Cry

It was on my run that I decided, I needed to leave

Dread in my heart

Peace in my head

And I didn’t cry

I told her shortly after

Fear in my head

Anxiety in my stomach

And I didn’t cry

I saw the message she sent me

Pain in my soul

Shame on skin

And I didn’t cry

Tonight I told a council of kings

Of a girl I loved

Too young

Too far

Too virtual

I told them I knew it was still special

I told them that I knew she gave up

I told them that I knew I had let go

That I cannot fix or change someone

Just because I need them

I knew it was the right thing to do

And finally

I cried

 

Tonight was a transformative experience for me. I sobbed today like I haven’t in years. It’s as if the pain, the shame, and the fear were just holding everything back. When I let go, all I felt was sad. I felt relieved, at peace, but so sad I cried for a long time.

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Always And Forever

Byjack
Always and Forever

She told me that this was probably our last fight

But if that were true

If one fight was able to erase

All we built together

The world would make no sense

I think

We are meant to fight

A hundred more times

A thousand more times

We are meant to fight each other for the rest of our lives

Until we don’t need to fight anymore

And maybe it’s only then

We might separate

Because

Every time we fight

It feels like the end of the world

But really

It always brings us closer together

Always makes us stronger

I just wish

I was able to be there for her

When we are fighting

To comfort her

Tell her everything was going to be alright

To give her strength to get through it

Workpost 17: Sick

Byjack

I’ve been sick in the past two days. Not a terrible sickness thankfully. I credit that to the copious quantities of water I consumed as well as the zinc I took and the lymph node massage to clear my stuff nose. I can’t smell anything, I feel tired, and my mind feels fuzzy but other than that I’m actually doing ok.

Earlier my throat was hurting and I woke up many times in the night, but overall I slept pretty good. I’ve been self-medicating a lot by playing games, and I want to stop. I did go for a walk this morning and workout, and I feel that helps.

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Workpost 28: Taxes & Art Therapy

Byjack

Today I feel very tired but at least better rested than normal. I really want to finish my taxes today and I also want to experiment with art therapy and exercise to help get through the stress and effort of finishing.

My initial thoughts about art therapy is that it is all about reconnecting with your body…to do flow theory or follow what you feel. Art is about touching the forms with lines and paint, music is about creating sound, dance is about moving your body.

I’m doing more research. Here is a video that talks about using art to find a safe place:

Here is another video:

Current art therapy ideas:

  1. Express what you feel kinesthetically
    • Scribbling
    • Banging on the piano
    • Flow theory dance
    • Free writing
  2. Create a safe space, express what feels safe
    • Drawing
    • Writing
    • Music
  3. Repetitive motions
    • Shapes
    • Chords
    • Motions

But how does this translate to greater art creation? How does this create a world?

Thinking about this more, art creation is about the following:

  1. What you want to share with others
  2. What you find beautiful
  3. What you feel wonder about
  4. What stories you want to tell
  5. What is quirky, unique, and creative
  6. What worlds you want to live in and provide others

I have a couple ideas of how to transition from therapeutic art to art art:

  1. My therapy exercise (take a problem and solve it in the story by making the main character face a problem 10x more painful)
  2. Express what emotions you are feeling strongly
  3. Capture a memory
  4. Start with a characters
  5. Start with world
  6. Do a fanfic
  7. Daydream

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The Trifecta of Growth and Progression Down the Path of Truth

Byjack

There was a big journey I went down in terms of working on myself, becoming more mature and being able to live a free and meaningful life.

  • I started by thinking that you needed to meet your own needs
  • Then I thought you needed to be good at asking for your needs
  • And finally, I thought you needed to process traumas and emotions

But I realized that they are all part of the same things and have different parts to play.

In a way, everything is about not abandoning yourself and taking care of yourself. You surround yourself with people who you can talk about what is on your mind truthfully and emotionally. They help you understand what you need. You are able to then give yourself what you need and walk down further along the path of understanding different parts of yourself that are in pain.

From processing emotions, we can truly love ourselves, and the people around us, and be present in the moment.

There is a sense that being with people who don’t accept us, don’t allow us to feel safe speaking our truth is self abandoment. In a way, even if someone meets some of our needs (for example is attractive enough to make us feel special), if we settle for someone who doesn’t love us or allow us to be ourselves, we are putting ourselves down.

Not allowing ourselves to meet our own needs (for example, asking for validation from others because we refuse to give it to ourselves) is self abandonment.

Refusing to look deeper, and shielding parts of ourselves from the world (for example, keeping a confident outward appearance when we feel anxious) is abandoning parts of ourselves and placing the outside world’s comfort above our own.

Workpost 41: Enjoy Yourself

Byjack

Today I did a long breathwork meditation session after feeling extremely stressed out about three questions:

  1. Should I sign up for jiujitsu again?
  2. Should I do coaching again?
  3. Should I continue therapy?

And all the worrying stressful sub questions:

  1. What about the money for jiujitsu
  2. Jiujitsu is so hard to get good at
  3. People might not buy my coaching if I didn’t do something really big
  4. Therapy costs so much money is it worth it?

And after the meditation, one thing was clear to me. The answer to everything: take everything so much less serious. Have fun!!!

If you have fun doing jiujitsu, sign up for it, go to classes when you feel like it. Have an amazing time doing work. If you love coaching, do it whether or not people believe that you are a good coach or not.

Enjoy yourself. Indulge yourself in boba while working. Take breaks to play on the piano, to draw.

P.S. I did sign up for jiujitsu, and I intend to have fun learning tons of new martial arts.

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I Only Felt That Way Once

Byjack

I Only Felt That Way Once

In the tiktok video

She was aggressively stating “shoulds”

The enemy of “is”

But one stood out to me

If you fall in love, you’re partner is the most beautiful one in the world to you

But I only felt that once

I used to think that meant I was in love

But I wonder

Was that love

Or just the honeymoon phase when you see

All the things you want to see

Yet there was a magic there I miss

Of not feeling anxious for a single moment

And I wonder what it would be like to feel like that

Maybe I will feel it when I fully embrace the anxiety

Feeling of frustration

Of shame

I don’t know

I just feel

Doubt