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Finding Myself
Byjack
Today I went for a walk. It was cold, but amazing otherwise, I felt happy.
I realized that I don’t feel like myself because I feel so lonely. I miss feeling safe with people that I trust, who understand me. I think about how I lost my art. My dreams, my worlds. And I think more about this artist part of me and I realize I also lost the romantic part of me.
There was always a softer side to me. It wasn’t always about attachment theory and working on myself. I don’t regret going down that path at all, but I feel sad for the Jack who was left behind. The Jack who cries when he listens to the story of two sisters stuck in a Chicago together and one feels she betrayed the other one because she left her alone to sleep in the same bed as the flight attendant: https://www.thisamericanlife.org/175/babysitting/act-two-17
Or Neistat’s story about his girlfriend Candice: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dALypGk3xbI
For me, even by telling the story, shows the depth of their love. They cared enough for these moments to be some of the most important in their life.
I think I always sought out a love story of my own. This is what I loved about college. So many opportunities for my love story to happen. This is why I wanted to learn daygaming, I just loved the idea of meeting someone on the street.
It’s why I liked the idea of dating my current girlfriend. Everything about it felt like a movie. Dating a girl on the other side of the world, and traveling to meet her in person. Finding my little sloth despite everything working against us.
I don’t want to forget the romantic in me. I want to be around people who see the magic like I do, and I feel safe around. People who allow me to get out of the fear and anxiety response long enough to feel more deeply. People who accept my story, who want to hear the truth, not what they want to hear. After all, a story about people being fake happy about everything is not a romantic one.
I think this is at least one part of the art that I’m missing. Art is one part exploring worlds, another part allowing you to feel deeply and effortlessly. Maybe another part is vulnerability, of pain.
This is what “high” art is missing. Feelings are lost behind academic musings. Worlds are exchanged for high philosophy. Pain is exchanged for numb confusion.
Profit In Peace 19: Taking Charge
Byjack
I’m angry. I feel trapped at home, at work, and in my relationship. I am tired and uncomfortable like I have no personal space. I am taking charge today.
I don’t know what that means, but right now it means, that for the first time since I came back to my parent’s house, I am doing my daily routine.
Nowhere To Go
My parents
Hovering
Watching
Judging
Like glue stuck to my arms
My girlfriend
A ball of frustration and negativity
That I feel anxiety in my core
Every time she pulls at me
My work a clash between
Two fighting parents
With me stuck in the middle
Where is the space for me?
I feel several realizations come to me when I write about these emotions. First, the technique of taking space. I feel all my oxygen, happiness, room, and sanity is taken away by others. I feel like I’m making myself smaller to give room to others. The first thing I want to do is to start taking up space, making demands, and making myself big.
The second thing that I feel is important (and might give me a clue as to how I can make myself big, and not huddle real small), is remembering my boundaries and needs:
- Time – I want to be in control of my time
- Honesty – I want to be honest with myself and others
- Empathy – I want to empathize and others to empathize with me
- Possibility – I want to believe anything is possible
- Respect – I want others to show respect for me and my abilities
This already gives me a clearer idea of what is happening here.
I definitely feel a lack of honesty, time, and sometimes respect and empathy at home. In fact, maybe possibility sometimes too. In my relationship I feel lack of honesty, empathy, possibility, and time (and sometimes respect). And at work, I feel a lack of respect, honesty, empathy, and time as well.
I also feel that in every scenario, the key is wanting everyone to like me to not feel uncomfortable.
I caused most of these boundary violations to happen, and that is empowering because I have the ability to change them,
One of the things I want to do instead of wanting everyone to be happy and wanting everyone to like me, is approach people with my same values.
For example, if I want to be honest with someone, empathize with them, show respect, but let go of trying to control how they feel. If I want to be respected more, I can do that with empathy and honesty and respect as well.
This is far more empowering and less stressful because I am in control of myself. I can change how I approach situations, but I cannot control others.
Sova Fanart 1: Class Unit 1 Day 1
Byjack
UNIT ONE: Sova Model Studies | Day 1 – Portrait
Since this unit was all about model studies, I went into a custom game and used the model as a reference for drawing sova portraits.
I started with this side view of Sova.
Then I did colors:
New rough sketch of Sova:
Followed by a more refined outline:
Then by a painting attempt:
Something wasn’t clicking. I still didn’t like the painting job. I decided to try again and learn from another tutorial on shading.
I tried to color again.
This time I felt something clicked with using large soft brushes and the lasso tool. I used the soft brushes to create nice gradients and the lasso tool for the clean edges. Looking closely at the painter I see that he also uses the smudge tool a lot.
Workpost 5: Panic Attack
Byjack
I was just on the border of a panic attack when I went to go exercise.
My Head Hurts
Eyes are swimming in a pain in the back of my head
Heart beating like its a race
And no matter how fast it beats
It isn’t fast enough
To catch up
With the work I want to do
After hanging for a little bit, I decided something. I need to go back to basics. As the level of work, my ambition, my organization go up…so have my stress levels. It is beginning hard to relax, hard to feel in the moment. It feels like I’m in an endless race with no chance to catch my breath.
So here are the basics:
- The planning I’m doing in these blog posts give me a huge edge in terms of direction and thought process in a huge number of goals at the same time. However, I now need to do the opposite. The basic I have in mind is this – focus on one thing at a time. Make a todo list. Create prioritization. Make it emotionally make sense (choose what emotionally feels important to focus on first, not logically). Clear all distractions and focus on one thing.
- Use the taoist approach to achieve fulfillment. Work until you feel empty.
- Use the coaching mindset…let the world come to you, have patience.
I also realized I did not work on the product research goal.
So here it is:
Goal: Create free products in 1 month | UNIT ONE: Complete research | Part 1 Transcribe and think, what is the million dollar problem or breakthrough?
- One interview per day
And I Didn’t Cry
Byjack
And I Didn’t Cry
It was on my run that I decided, I needed to leave
Dread in my heart
Peace in my head
And I didn’t cry
I told her shortly after
Fear in my head
Anxiety in my stomach
And I didn’t cry
I saw the message she sent me
Pain in my soul
Shame on skin
And I didn’t cry
Tonight I told a council of kings
Of a girl I loved
Too young
Too far
Too virtual
I told them I knew it was still special
I told them that I knew she gave up
I told them that I knew I had let go
That I cannot fix or change someone
Just because I need them
I knew it was the right thing to do
And finally
I cried
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Tonight was a transformative experience for me. I sobbed today like I haven’t in years. It’s as if the pain, the shame, and the fear were just holding everything back. When I let go, all I felt was sad. I felt relieved, at peace, but so sad I cried for a long time.