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To A New Place
To a New Place
I’m in a new place
And I feel lost
When I asked her why
She told me
It’s because I am coping with the emotions
By not feeling them
That my old life
Gave me a lot of my needs
And that it will take time
For me to find it again
I asked myself
In the men’s group
What I should do
And the answer
Was to be alone
In nature
And to be ok
With everything
Being a complete
Mess
Core Wounds 8
Today I wanted to look at the core wound of feeling like no one will truly understand me and or truly love me.
Sharing Circle
I was in the circle
Of kings they said
I didn’t want to be there
I was just too sad
But they opened up the space for me
To tell my story
Of how I fell in love with a girl
Who I felt others wouldn’t approve of
But I still loved
How I felt like things went wrong
But not because I broke them
But because life
Sometimes
Isn’t easy or simple
I cried
When I thought about it
Felt safe to feel it
Like the time when I was at the party
Solomon turned to me
And said
I know how that feels
And Tim asked me to
Channel it into the karaoke
My pain my loss
I feel that pain now
Five Things I Love About Women (That Has NOTHING To Do With Appearance)
I’m thinking about how women (while often are beautiful and sexy) are not valued for anything beyond their looks or given any affirmation.
For my entire life, I liked having girls as friends, companions, and coworkers because I like being around them (and it has nothing to do with appearance). Here 5 things I like:
- I really respect the intelligence and work ethic some women have. They are not arrogant or assume they know everything, which I feel makes someone even smarter since they are faster and better at learning from their mistakes and recognizing that someone is more knowledgable than them (some men are terrible at this to their own downfall).
- Women can be easier to connect to on an emotional level. I don’t have to pretend to be strong around women. I can talk about my childhood, when people make me angry, or make me feel embarrassed or sad.
- Some women love talking about relationships in an emotionally well-rounded way. I like to talk more about physical attraction or meeting specific criteria. I want to gush about someone I really like.
- Some women are really into aesthetics and art. Fashion and beauty isn’t a clinical “I gotta hit the gym to get big” kind of thing. It’s your personal taste and expression of yourself and your feelings.
- Some women can be extremely supportive. I like it when you have someone to vent to or recognize when something is making you uncomfortable.
There are many other things as well, women can be down to earth, or wild and adventurous. They can be welcoming and extroverted, or quiet and introspective. But overall, it just feels more balanced being with women. They understand my logic mixed with emotion and feeling. They aren’t as competitive and are more caring.
Here is me rambling about it for 13 minutes straight. Ramble ramble.
Letting the Chips Fall
Letting The Chips Fall
I think about seeing her
I want it tomorrow
I want it in the next minute
In the next second
To feel the warmth of her smile
Hear her little laugh
And sometimes, I worry
It will never happen
That life will keep us apart
I know that there are certain problems that need to be solved
Problems don’t go away I told her
She avoids them anyway
Until they are about to ruin everything
I hate her for making me feel
There is no hope left
That she accuses me of just stressing her out
Lashes out at me angrily
I feel pain because I know
She loves me
And wants to make me happy
Maybe I was too hard on her
But can I take the pain
Of watching everything burn
Letting the problems stack up against us
She’s so sensitive
And beautiful
And soft and understanding
Perhaps, I can be strong enough
To feel the fear
That I will lose her
I often cope with feelings of fear by trying to solve problems and remove obstacles. It’s who I am. It is the hardest thing to just let something I want more than anything slip away. Maybe I’m too hard on people, on myself for trying to fix everything. Sometimes, you just have to enjoy where life is right now, and process your fear and just trust everything will work itself out.
Workpost 31: On an Adventure
I feel like I’m on an adventure, even though I am only 40 minutes away from my apartment in Austin. I am in the city of Leander, northwest of Austin and I’m feeling a bit tired but excited about the solar eclipse today.
I’m in the library and I feel at home but also lonely. I think there is something about being in close proximity to books that remind me of my childhood and about daydreaming and reading about people’s lives and wanting to find close friends and conquer the world.
I feel lonely, and I wish it was easier to connect with others.
The library reminds me of elementary school when everything was pretty simple. If you wanted to be friends with people, you just became friends with them.
I’m feeling really tired because I didn’t go to bed very early last night. I also think the sleeping appliance and my sleep mask are not things I’m used to sleeping with so I don’t sleep as well with them.
I’m focusing on recentering on my house, and that anything is possible in my house.
Today there is a solar eclipse, and I’m excited for that. Maybe I will read a book really quick, then get some work done and drive over to watch the eclipse from this really cool park nearby.
Breaking Down What Racial Discrimination Really Is
I believe that racial discrimination exists primarily in today’s day and age in two forms:
- Attractiveness. We know attractiveness is partly biological, but it is also in large part cultural. White people are considered more attractive than other races. We also know “pretty privilege” exists and has a profound effect on how trustworthy, successful and smart someone is. We are biologically and socially hardwired to like attractive people.
- Social economics. We know that white people own most of the wealth. We also know wealth is generational and can give you a huge advantage in life.
Let’s just run through a few examples:
- Who has a better chance of being an actor? What about a tik tok star? An attractive person or an unattractive person?
- Who has a better chance of being a banker? Or a real estate agent? Someone who’s parents are investment bankers, or if their parents worked at Mcdonalds?
I believe that affirmative action and other tools to remove bias are not meant to “even the playing field” or create an “equality of outcome” (even distributions) but rather to counteract biases that may be counter to the correct action or truth. For example, hiring a more attractive person even though they are lazier, dumber and have less experience.
I do believe that race can be very complicated and there are many instances that are not being considered here. However, I feel that those cases are more niche and require more thinking as to the best solution, such as:
- Perceptions of blacks as more capable of crime.
- Women not succeeding as much because of childbearing.
Broadly it is clear to me that this has two main implications:
- Mainstream ideas about race discount the disadvantages of “ugly” low-income white people.
- Mainstream race theory overcompensates for perceived roadblocks of “attractive” wealthy minorities (as they are not only privileged but are often touted as the beacons of hope when they are benefitting from the same system that is currently creating bias).
The only two things I would support affirmative action for would be affirmation action for looks (I don’t know how this would be measured exactly) and for social economic status. I believe that affirmation action in these two areas would:
- Disproportionally benefit minorities as they are considered uglier and are often poorer
- It would call attention to bias that we have very often in our own lives, a bias that affects our ability to make clear and rational decisions
- We would see many competent and talented people who were formerly ignored, be brought to the top
Finally, I would say that all races and all people struggle with issues. There is little to no point in trying to make everyone happy. The main point is to somehow come up with a system where our biases have checks and balances that will guide us to making the most rational and clear decisions.
Being someone who has grown up a minority in America, there is a big wound racism creates within you, a feeling that there is something wrong with you. However, those wounds are opportunities to heal and become wiser, they are not something that everyone else needs to carefully tiptoe around (and be politically correct about). Wounds and pain are not bad things. We can show compassion without enabling people to not grow emotionally and not face their own demons.