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What Makes Me Cry

Byjack
What Makes Me Cry

It’s not the fact that I loved her

Or the fact she used to read my blog every morning

Or the sound of her pretty voice

Or her jokes

Her emotions

Her caring side

Her acceptance of everything about me, even the dark parts

Her deep love for me

Or her photographs

Not her neediness

Or her eagerness to please me

What makes me cry

Is thinking about

How I always thought

I would be the one

To take her

Away from all the pain and suffering in her life

Hold her in my arms every night

Give her a space to heal and blossom

I thought I would be the one

To save her

But I’m not

That

Makes me cry

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My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard

Byjack
My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard

As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams

I was so caught up in listening to his objections

And explaining to him how it would be successful

I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive

I forget to tell it to him in a way

That he wouldn’t respond with judgement

And disgust

As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap

Not the energy

That created the great figures

He admires so much

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Workpost 34: Refocusing

Byjack

My eyes hurt. I feel tired. My face is numb and buzzing. I feel heat and buzzing up my back. I feel like I pulled an all niter when I haven’t.

Today is the time when we learn how to be successful while taking care of ourself.

This is the challenge that is brought before us today.

I’m going to be drinking lots and lots of water.

I plan on practicing some tai chi.

I want to focus my attention on the very specific work that I need to do, and just relax afterwards.

By relaxing I mean, refuse to look at my todolist until I feel desire to. Go to the gym, drink water, do art therapy.

P.S. One note I want to make is that I remembered the point of these posts, to help do the hard work to achieve what I want, to be the person I want to be. The stepping stones to greatness.

Today I Search for the Simple Answers

I walk the way of water

Of scribbles on a paper

A simple job well done

The path isn’t clear for the weary

To find your place home

I search for my slice of Eden

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We Played A Game

Byjack
We Played A Game

The other day

We played a game

It had butterflies in it

My heart felt like a butterfly then

Light in my chest

Now it feels more like the stones

I picked off the ground

Heavy

And painful

As if I swallowed it

And it got stuck

Halfway down

We joked about her being a housewife

I would like that

To put everything that stresses her out

Safety away

And the only thing she would have to worry about

Is me

My desires

And the hunger I have

Like a fire

So ravenous, it threatens to take us both

We could take care of each other

Like in the game

But life isn’t a game

It’s not enough to just don’t starve

You have to forge your path through life

Create the road you walk on

I would be happy to be her home

Her comfort

If she could just find her way to me

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On The Shuttle

Byjack
On the Shuttle

Today I got into a metal box
It’s not the kind you put into the ground
But the one that takes you from gate to gate
On the airplane filled tarmac
Except today I’m not leaving for a trip
It’s not a trip
It’s a move
And while it hasn’t quite hit me yet
Maybe I’m leaving a part of myself behind
Forever
Life though
Is always more gravel than dream
More grounded and real
Made up of experiences
Not places
Or cities
Austin
North Potomac
But I’ll miss them
Myself
My old comfortable life
That I snuggled in for so long
I’m afraid to grow up
Poke my head out from under the covers

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Additional Thoughts on Affirmative Action and Personal Decision Making

Byjack

The types of biases:

1. Cognitive Dissonance

2. Spotlight Effect

3. Anchoring Effect

4. The Halo Effect

5. Gambler’s Fallacy

6. Contrast Effect

7. Confirmation Bias

8. Baader-Meinhoff Phenomenon

9. Zeigarnik Effect

10. Paradox of Choice

More biases:

11. Survivorship Bias

12. Self Serving Bias

13. Fundamental Attribution Error

14. Hindsight Bias

15. Availability Bias

16. Availability Cascade

17. Sunk Cost Fallacy

18. Framing Effect

19. Clustering Illusion

20. Exponential Growth

21. Barnum Effect

Ideas for these biases:

  • Create a selection process (for college, group or job)
  • Use for cold hard thinking areas (stocks)
  • Use in logic games (Valorant, Chess)
  • Take advantage of bias to do careful marketing
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Finding My Feet In Austin

Byjack
Finding My Feet In Austin

Today I’m walking around with Yad

And I feel anxious because I don’t know what will happen next

What should happen next

But as I move

As I talk to girls

To guys

I feel more and more

Like this is the adventure I was looking for

This is the freedom I’m looking for

I don’t know where this is going

I just need to be able to stay in my body

And have courage

I’m so scared

But I feel a little hope now

This poem is about feeling so lost all the time. Not wanting to meet anyone or talk to anyone, but feeling so incredibly isolated and lonely. I’m afraid of wasting time but I don’t know where to focus my energy. But right now I realize that I just need to have an adventure and make an effort to overcome my fear of getting close to people or showing them who I am.

It’s not important to make the right decision, more so that I am able to feel the feelings.