Protected: Workpost 3.6: Private Workpost Continued Conversation History

I’ve been feeling really out of sorts recently. Not going to bed at a reasonable time. Not brushing my teeth. Not eating well. And it all comes down to pressure. Pressure to post youtube videos. Pressure to perform at work. Pressure to rest my eyes. Pressure to do jiujitsu.

I feel beyond overwhelmed and turn to the only outlet I saw…gaming.

It’s almost as if my unconscious mind felt I really needed to meet my need to succeed and the fastest and easiest way with the lowest chance of failure is to win a game. Makes sense I guess.

In any case, I would like to return to a couple of core tenants.

1. Extreme focus to deal with the overwhelm. I only need to focus on one thing at a time.
2. Being there for myself. Asking myself every step of the day, what can I do to be there for myself.

In keeping with the tenant of focus, here are the priorities in order:

1. Health – let myself take care of myself
2. Getting work done for my job (to the degree where I feel comfortable)
3. Youtube

I’m really struggling to process some feelings right now.

1. I am working through the stressful emotions that come up when I see an attractive girl
2. I am working through overwhelmed and frustrated emotions with my current project for my AI consulting
3. I am working through fear and stress I feel working on my pipelines
4. I am working through feeling of fear and anxiety around money

Let’s work through them one by one.

Attractive girl

Guilt, shame, deep desire

Center of my chest, painful clenching

Stomach clenching

I am bad

I am defective

I am ugly

I am guilty

I am rejected

I won’t ever find beauty or be happy

What if the perfect one is out there

It’s not about the perfect person who meets all your needs. It’s the relationship that meets all of your needs.

Why do I place all my hopes and dreams on a person? Because I want to be happy and I’ve only felt that in shallow relationships. I like meeting people. I like the feeling of possibility in life of variety.

Can I meet those needs in a relationship? Can I find novelty and excitement in a relationship?

Why is desire such an important need for adventures for me? Just because I’m in a relationship, doesn’t mean I can’t be attractive. But I want to find someone attractive, then for them and me to do the little romantic dance. I worry when I’m in a relationship, that’s not possible anymore.

I think honestly the fear comes from lack of needs being met in the relationship. Specifically around safety, social needs, chemistry, and inspiration. I feel if I felt if I felt safe to talk openly about people that are attractive and my partner is secure enough in herself, I felt my social needs are met, I felt strong chemistry, and inspired I would not find others attractive.

I want to switch my mindset over from comparing and wanting to meet my needs via others, and focus more on the relationship. Looking elsewhere is giving up on the relationship and if I really want to look elsewhere, I want to first end the relationship.

I don’t want to neglect my needs anymore.

I want to first meet my needs myself, then in the relationship:

1. Safety – self acceptance and kindness
2. Social needs – be in touch with moment, who people really are
3. Chemistry – spending more time on self care, self massage
4. Inspiration – reminding myself of the greatness I am capable of, of the change I can create

For the relationship, I want to continue working through needs course.

I feel fear in my chest when I think about my relationship. I feel uncertainty.

No matter what happens I will find peace and happiness because of the way I engage with the world.

My little emotional processing toolkit for meeting my needs:

1. Radical acceptance, hold myself, be curious, somatic
2. Self love, massage
3. Be in the moment, see things how they are

Chemistry

The indescribable feeling

Like the beauty of the red in the roses

Unfurled

Cutting in the corners, filling then in

This feeling of a world around you

That you carry everywhere you go

Our worlds meet

The openness to connect with me

Ok, this raises so many questions it is time to move along

Project Frustration

I feel lost, overwhelmed, and misunderstood.

What if I fail? What if its all for nothing? I don’t know what to do. It feels like so much work.

I don’t know what to do to be effective. I feel the time is running out so fast.

I need to focus on the end goal. Ignore everything else, its just a bonus.

There are a couple of things I’m feeling into.

1. I wonder if I have prediabetes since I do not feel well after eating sugar. I feel a bit numb and my stomach doesn’t feel good. I feel it in my kidneys as well.
2. I really want to tackle my bloating and take it seriously. I was able to find way to tackle my knee issues, I should be able to tackle them too. My first thought is just to massage right below the belly button softly but for a long time, it tends to work and is very gentle.
3. I want to refocus on my businesses, maybe create some challenges around them now that I’m excited and motivated to work on them again.
4. I want to do what I set out in the last workpost, cleaning out my to-do list as cleanly as possible.

Ok here are some of the symptoms of prediabetes:

• Increased thirst – yes at night
• Frequent urination – nope
• Increased hunger – nope
• Fatigue – not really more than usual
• Blurred vision – nope
• Numbness or tingling in the hands or feet – nope, more on the back
• Unexplained weight loss – nope
• Dark spots on the skin – nope
• Skin tags – nope
• Slow healing of cuts and wounds – nope

So I probably don’t have prediabetes, just don’t respond well to glucose spikes or processed sugars.

In terms of bloating, I want to keep it simple, just doing very light circles right below my belly button really is causing me to feel like my gas is leaving. I want to make it a habit to do that when I’m feeling bloated.

Also, when I feel stressed, I want to focus on breathing. I want to charge my watch more often and use it to check my stress levels.

I’ll leave my business planning to dedicated blog posts, but overall, my next step is to improve my working tools and setup.