I feel tired today. Back is stiff. Eyes are blurry. Fatigue racks my body.
At least today, I tried to nap and relax in the morning. Will, try to continue today.
My goal is to feel satisfied enough by the end of the end so when I enforce strict bedtime at 11PM, I will feel good about it.
Today I woke up feeling pretty awful from going to bed at 4AM last night.
I was feeling super overwhelmed with many many things in my life.
Today, I chose to wake up slowly, get to work slowly, and here are some of the mentalities that helped me:
I still feel a quite a bit of stress of the difficult conversations I’m anticipating, and the difficult tasks I have in front of me.
Unwelcome World
I feel sometimes
I am living in a world
Where every step is heavy
But the gravity only pulls on my heart
And the future feels unknown
Scary and not comfy
I feel overwhelmed and exhausted today. I want to finish a lot of things today but I feel overwhelmed thinking about it. Maybe it’s time to process more fears.
I have to finish my work today.
I feel it in the pit of my stomach, my chest this numbing roaring anxiety but also exhaustion and numbness in my head.
I feel like a failure. I’m panicking about not being able to get work done.
One thing that came up for me is that working really hard can help me sleep. All I need to do is fail at creating a package. All I need to complete the deliverable, it doesn’t matter if I do it in a shitty way.
Tony Robbins said to fall in love with your customer.
I want to see my customer succeed. I want to see them happy and thriving. I can make that happen.
I’m afraid to sleep. I’m afraid the day will pass me by.
Not being able to sleep means there is extra energy I have to use. I can use that energy to help my customer and myself. You don’t need to sleep until you feel that release.
I’m afraid I will play Valorant or do something else to cope. I’m afraid the day will pass me by. I’m afraid my addictions will drain me of energy.
Wanting to play Valorant is a sign for massage and addressing some of the physical issues I am experiencing.
My peace today was disrupted by work early. It is nice to have time to talk about strategic leadership things. I usually don’t have that much time during the week.
However, it’s not the type of morning that I aim to repeat.
I intend on reclaiming as much peace as I can in this 20 minute span.
I feel that respect is a really important need for me in work, and I feel that this need was not met at my previous job, it remains to be seen whether or not it is met enough in this job. I have my doubts to be sure.
Today, I woke up feeling much better, even though I went to bed a bit late. It’s because, on top of journaling, I also did cupping on my body to unblock anything that was blocked. Turned red on my chest, I guess a lot of blockages there specifically.
I feel with the level of stress this morning with no peace and no running I’m feeling surprisingly good.
I wonder how to push back on blatant hostility and disrespect in a way that I want to. I suppose some rage journaling should help and maybe my coaching mindset.
Today I want to focus on making a video on how to handle lack of respect in the workplace.
I don’t know how that is going to go but that’s what I want to do.
Perhaps I need to meditate on it some more.
Maybe finally watching another 20 minutes of the coaching call will be nice as well.
“Every man is a divinity in disguise, a god playing the fool.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
The last few weeks have been exhausting and emotionally draining. I came to Austin to find myself and focus on building myself up and I need to focus my energy on myself.
I need to focus on my physical and mental health and I intend to use my blog as a way to track my thoughts, struggles and progress.
Things I want to focus on:
Now the next piece is to break down every bit of resistance or difficulty in every aspect.
Personal development school courses
Love and connection: work with Jenny or someone else
Certainty: Timebox, skim through entire course to get understanding
Growth: Capture video blogs throughout to see progress
Massage and Posture
Certainty: Every morning and night, indulge in the sensations
Growth: Capture pictures to see progress
Dance
Certainty: Watch old lessons every morning, feel body
Uncertainty: Try to create something new
Love and connection: Share on social media or with friends
Growth: Create videos of progress
Food and nutrition
Certainty: Cook enough food in the morning to sustain throughout the day, cook food prep that will make it easy and fast, have ritual around eating food (no electronics)
Love and connection: Invite someone over for lunch, share on social media or friends
Sleep
Certainty: Start brushing teeth around 10 PM
Love and connection: write a core wound post before bed or a poem or do some art
I also want to focus on weekly health audits and setting up a really nice space to shoot videos and work and play games.
Today I wanted to look at the core wound of feeling like no one will truly understand me and or truly love me.
I was in the circle
Of kings they said
I didn’t want to be there
I was just too sad
But they opened up the space for me
To tell my story
Of how I fell in love with a girl
Who I felt others wouldn’t approve of
But I still loved
How I felt like things went wrong
But not because I broke them
But because life
Sometimes
Isn’t easy or simple
I cried
When I thought about it
Felt safe to feel it
Like the time when I was at the party
Solomon turned to me
And said
I know how that feels
And Tim asked me to
Channel it into the karaoke
My pain my loss
I feel that pain now
This morning I had a very slow start. Seems to be the same for a lot of days.
I really really focused on the idea that everything could be turned into an advantage. And today, I realized that the reason why I have slow starts is because my stomach burns, aches, and has gnawing empty pain. It is so bad, it is hard to focus and feel motivated to work.
The opportunity this morning is to devise some techniques to help with my stomach and be able to test it with the worst possible conditions. In other words, if the techniques work now, they will work anytime.
I tried this video first, and it was pretty helpful.
Then I tried this video which was helpful, but too boring to finish:
Finally, I tried drinking hot tea, which seemed to help some as well.’
And then, even though my stomach starting feeling better, I ran into another problem with avengance.
This problem was simple. Absolutely no motivation to do anything, being that I still felt tired and overwhelmed. Instead, I wanted to play games and watch tv shows.
I’m going to take the same approach here: use this as an opportunity to test out some new ideas with productivity.
So I have many many techniques in this area already, but I want to innovate further today in a different direction instead of meditation, letting go, focus, etc.
I want to look at why, even in my overwhelmed state, do I want to play Valorant and Fallout Shelter, and how I can fundamentally apply the same things to the things I want to do.
Things I Want To Do
Before I forget, here are some additional mindsets I can add the useful pile:
Main Reasons Why I Want to Play Valorant
Main Reasons Why I Want to Play Fallout Shelter
Why It Is difficult to get the same feeling with work?
What skills am I excited want to work on in terms of work?
What do I want to level up in terms of rank?
Who do I draw inspiration from?
How might I work off my team more?
How might I feel more in control of my work?
Using all this information, I want to develop a unit of work, called a “game” or “match” to simulate what I do in Valorant. In Valorant you play a match with a clear objective, and you warm up before the game, and take breaks after the game.
Game Structure
Warmup: 15 minutes
Use to do list, practice one skill at a time:
Main game: 45 minutes
Fights:
Capture questions and answers.
Level up in:
Result Calculation: