Core Beliefs 1

Today I got into an argument with someone who is very close to my heart. Thinking about the argument later makes me think about what is painful about the relationship in general and the core wounds that it brings up.

Core wounds are damaging beliefs that we have about ourselves that we repeatedly look for evidence for (and traumatize ourselves constantly with). 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy teaches us that core wounds can be reprogrammed by finding evidence to the contrary. Thais Gibson recommends doing this for at least 21 days for the new beliefs to set in.

This is day one for me.

Core Wound 1: I’m not good enough (attractive physically and personality-wise)

Evidence to the contrary (I am good enough):

  • A girl in college who was very beautiful who I liked blushed every time I talked to her and liked me back. She was mean to other guys who showed interest.
  • When I was being myself and feeling confident recently, lots of women from girls on the plane, on the trail, at rental properties all seemed really eager to talk to me and help me. I’ve been told I have really good energy.
  • A girl that I love told me she likes the way I look, likes my thin frame and my hands.
  • A girl in high school once had a crush on me after flirting with her once. I might have made an impression on her.
  • A girl who I met playing a mobile game with, added me on her Snapchat and would talk to me for hours, there must have been a reason.

This is a really strong core wound for me. I often compare myself to others and feel like I’m less attractive. I feel that no one really likes me.

Core Wound 2: My emotions are not good and push people away

Evidence to the contrary (My emotions are good and bring people closer):

  • A lot of my art tends to come from my emotions and feelings and lots of people like them
  • Because of my emotions, I tend to be more honest, open and empathetic in support groups
  • I tend to connect with a lot of women by emotions. It’s why I like to have girls as friends and a lot of girls like me.
  • Emotions make me experience things more deeply, like when I cry watching Moana.
  • My emotions help me read other people much better because I can feel what they are feeling.

I always feel, especially with some people, that my emotions are too much and push people away. I worry people like hard and cold unemotional guys since they are stronger and don’t need anything. I also sometimes want to be strong and dominant and I don’t know how to reconcile that with emotions.

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She Knows

She Knows

That calling is very important to me

That I only ask when I really want to

That I’m tired and lonely

That it’s excruciating to see her having fun

With others

When she refuses to play with me

That is why she gives me vague answers

In hopes that she won’t disappoint me

She knows

The lengths

I’m willing to go to

To make it work

Maybe she just cannot give me

What I need

Or maybe

When she’s upset

She cannot see anything but the negative

Forgets all the happy times

Forget the fun we had

How well we work together

Before she stopped listening

The love we shared

Before the angry words

How much she wanted to reassure me

Before she was afraid

How much she liked being mine

Before she wanted to push me away

The nights when she doesn’t want me to get off the phone

And told me I was right

That we always understand each other better

Be more real

On a call

I need rest

A very long one

Away from all of this

So I know 

What is best

For me

Focus on what I want

For a moment

It takes strength

To get past all the mess

To true understanding

And to part of a relationship

That is secure and loving

It’s like pushing an elephant

My feet are dug in

The struggle goes on

And on

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Cleaning Furiously

Cleaning Furiously

I’m trying to clean as fast as I can

I wonder what feeling I’m running from

When I look at the art supplied filling the closet

That I slept in last night

I feel like I want to cry

My heart hurts

Is there a point to setting up

My own place

If I have no one to share it with

I miss

Feeling safe

Everything just feels

So empty

Just like me

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On The Shuttle

On the Shuttle

Today I got into a metal box
It’s not the kind you put into the ground
But the one that takes you from gate to gate
On the airplane filled tarmac
Except today I’m not leaving for a trip
It’s not a trip
It’s a move
And while it hasn’t quite hit me yet
Maybe I’m leaving a part of myself behind
Forever
Life though
Is always more gravel than dream
More grounded and real
Made up of experiences
Not places
Or cities
Austin
North Potomac
But I’ll miss them
Myself
My old comfortable life
That I snuggled in for so long
I’m afraid to grow up
Poke my head out from under the covers

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Valorant 14: Insane Warmup

My insane warmup strategy:

  • No sound (focus on clearing every single angle)
  • Good crosshair placement
  • Movement-based aiming

Results: 1st place deathmatch sheriff only, breeze

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We Played A Game

We Played A Game

The other day

We played a game

It had butterflies in it

My heart felt like a butterfly then

Light in my chest

Now it feels more like the stones

I picked off the ground

Heavy

And painful

As if I swallowed it

And it got stuck

Halfway down

We joked about her being a housewife

I would like that

To put everything that stresses her out

Safety away

And the only thing she would have to worry about

Is me

My desires

And the hunger I have

Like a fire

So ravenous, it threatens to take us both

We could take care of each other

Like in the game

But life isn’t a game

It’s not enough to just don’t starve

You have to forge your path through life

Create the road you walk on

I would be happy to be her home

Her comfort

If she could just find her way to me

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Letting the Chips Fall

Letting The Chips Fall

I think about seeing her

I want it tomorrow

I want it in the next minute

In the next second

To feel the warmth of her smile

Hear her little laugh

And sometimes, I worry

It will never happen

That life will keep us apart

I know that there are certain problems that need to be solved

Problems don’t go away I told her

She avoids them anyway

Until they are about to ruin everything

I hate her for making me feel

There is no hope left

That she accuses me of just stressing her out

Lashes out at me angrily

I feel pain because I know

She loves me

And wants to make me happy

Maybe I was too hard on her

But can I take the pain

Of watching everything burn

Letting the problems stack up against us

She’s so sensitive

And beautiful

And soft and understanding

Perhaps, I can be strong enough

To feel the fear

That I will lose her

I often cope with feelings of fear by trying to solve problems and remove obstacles. It’s who I am. It is the hardest thing to just let something I want more than anything slip away. Maybe I’m too hard on people, on myself for trying to fix everything. Sometimes, you just have to enjoy where life is right now, and process your fear and just trust everything will work itself out.

A Willingness to Endure Pain

It is extremely hard to be yourself all the time. There will always be things that you want to avoid, that you are afraid of. Specifically, things that you don’t like about yourself.

Control gives the illusion of happiness. The fear of loss of control is like all fear and uncomfortable feelings. It is not something that needs a solution or be avoided. You don’t solve the lack of control by being more controlling. You don’t solve fear by avoiding your fear.

Emotions are meant to be reacted to, and the solution is meant to come to you, not something to be forced into existence. The most healthy way to process painful emotions is through physicality, expression and meditation:

  • Physicality – punching, running, yelling, screaming, crying and sort of physical release
  • Expression – writing, talking, recording a video diary
  • Meditation – letting the emotions come and go

I used to write that you should follow what you feel. Sometimes, you don’t KNOW how you feel. That’s ok. Clarity is about patience. The patience to wait for the answers to come, to be able to sit in the pain for long enough to see the truth.

And at the end of the day, clarity will bring an understanding of not just how we feel, why we feel it, but what we truly want. That is truly being ourselves, following what we want in the moment. Embracing that is the key to true happiness, confidence, and feeling truly alive.

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Valorant 13: Advice From My Brother

Today I had a strategy session with my brother who is almost at the rank I want to be (Plat) about major mindset shifts I need to do to get out of Bronze and Silver.

Here are the main areas we came up with:

  1. Learn to play off of contact better: 
    • Swing when you see teammates swinging
    • If you see someone holding, pre-aim and get ready to trade
  2. Crosshair placement and preaiming
    • Holding for wide swing vs close
  3. Methodical clearing
  4. Ability usage
    • Have gameplan for ability usage for the beginning of every attack and defending round
  5. Map awareness
    1. Look at minimap more

My Darker Side

Today I wanted to talk about a side of myself that I felt was missing. A part of myself that when I reclaim, I feel powerful and clear. Strong and true.

I’m talking about my darker side. The parts of myself, that until recently, I was afraid to face. The parts I locked away because I thought they were too ugly to look at. The anger, the hatred, the rage, the lust, the desire for control and domination.

I have a very hard edge that I hold back a lot of the time these days. I always try to approach everything from a positive light because I fear that if I let myself react in the way that I want to, bad things will happen. That I will be unlovable, hopeless, and lonely.

There is someone in my life, who I count very special who has been the only one to see clearly enough to embrace my darker side. Who understands how honest and real it is, despite the fact that it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. Who will understand instead of judging and admonishing when my darker self makes an appearance.

When I embrace my full self, I wonder how important youtube is. I wonder how important it is to win the approval of others. It makes me want to be less kind, that kindness simply feels overused and boring if I do it too much. That it is a drug and a sweet poison if I turn to it as a way to ignore the darker thoughts.

It makes me want to bring my hard edge into my youtube more often. It makes me want to be harder with the people around me. It makes me want it to pervade through everything I do and attempt.