Today I feel tired. Coming off of a early morning and a workout, watching a lot of Valorant, I’m in a position where I still feel a bit tired. I’m excited to update my blog, but I’m not so sure about the marketing call.

I really hope to make money off of my passion and find success in the AI space finally and I hope today’s session will help with that.

I feel strongly that I want to preserve boundaries with this coach because I feel he doesn’t respect boundaries for some reason.

I feel nervous and uncomfortable with the call. For some reason I feel he has a bit of a temper and is not good at listening.

But I can protect myself, I am his client and I have a bit of a temper too if it comes down to it.

I’ll take my time and be as clear and direct as possible with him.

My main issue is that I feel uncomfortable disagreeing with him. I feel unsafe. When processing it, I decided to be very clear about what he is saying and then say my views/opinions.

I’m having trouble getting work done today. I’m going to focus on the taoist productivity – work until I feel empty. Also, I want to leave the apartment to feel more productive.

My girlfriend is leaving soon and I want to focus on her and the relationship.

I have a pretty good work system set up, but I’m not sure how to balance work with time with her.

I think the answer is just to wake up early, plan out my day and do as much breakdown as I can, then work while she is next to me in the couch reading, and if not just work during the morning.

These days I feel a bit lethargic. It might just be because I’m recovering from 5ks and need more rest than normal. I also just feel a lot of pressure overall. I see these mornings as a way for me to slowly set up my house, set up my mental space as a good place to work.

I like to go through my to do list, my calendar, and work things out.

On thing that occurs to me when I’m thinking through my to do list is that I’m way to ambitious and unfocused. The point of the to do list is to brain dump and really find the most important high priority thing (using emotional priority not logical priority).

And before I even think about prioritizing, I want to get back to building my house – you are in my house, take risks, be ok with silence, take your time.

Today my main goal is to finish my business cards and website for my art coaching.

Another main system or habit I want to institute, if I miss a time block to do something on my calendar, I delete the event and add it back to my to do list.

I’m struggling with some extreme procrastination where I don’t want to work at all.

Let me try to process.

I feel like there is no point and I feel overwhelmed. I feel it in my chest, this invisible resistance.

I feel scared to shoot more videos, it brings up fear in my heart.

I guess anything I do I can break down into a process instead of doing everything all at once.

“This is gonna be harsh, but you aren’t a model”

“If you’re deadset on using yourself”

“I think you’re not adding very much by being in there”

“You seem robotic”

Anger, frustration, feeling misunderstood, feeling hurt.

I feel pain and cracks in my heart like cracked glass.

I don’t think my looks matter on an ad. I don’t even think being robotic matters. I think the message is what matters the most. Also, I feel I’m plenty relaxed and attractive for the ad to work.

Processing the emotions I feel that maybe different people value looks and appearance on different levels. I value the message because I know that definitely works. Others might value looks and performance more. Some people also might be turned off by my demeanor or my appearance, but that has more to do with them than me.

I also feel the difficulty processing how I feel about myself on camera.

I don’t feel the camera captures me in the best light. I see a lot of flaws.

I feel a clenching in my heart, neck, and stomach.

I feel too skinny and small, my face too pudgy and soft looking, my nose not enough definition.

Processing it further, I understand that I’m not done growing, everyday I can work to become healthier, stronger, and more attractive. Also, I accept the way I look in the camera like I accept my art. Instead of thinking of how other people look, I want to let myself look the way I want to look. Like letting the art be what it wants to be. There is something charming and right about how I look exactly as I am, imperfect me.

I want to live a full life, and worrying about how I look on camera is not what I want. I want to spend my time and energy building my business and I KNOW I can do that with videos of myself.

The next thing I want to process is how unproductive and lethargic I feel in my apartment. I don’t even want to get out of the apartment to work.

The first thing I noticed is that the apartment is a bit hot and the oxygen feels much thinner in here. I turned up the AC, put my standing desk up to standing and drank some cold water.

There is also an emotional part of this. I feel safe here. The outside world feels unsafe with unsafe people and lots of unsafe places.

It feels like a light buzzing numbing fear in my chest and stomach.

I feel like a good cleaning of the apartment can help.

Tidying and clearing out the mental baggage.

A great thing that standing desks allow for is pacing and I’m going to take advantage of that.

It’s interesting. Being at the standing desk feels the same way as leaving the apartment feels. Less cozy and comfy. More open, free, unknown, and some low level buzz of anxiety.

It almost feels like morning vs night where night is full of comfort and imagination and mornings feel more energetic and open but devoid of magic.

It almost feels like emptiness. When emotionally processing that, I feel from space comes peace, comes inspiration.

After spending more time emotionally processing this, I have a couple idea of what I can use to reframe going outside, leaving, standing at my desk and going to the gym from empty to more meaningful:

1. My coaching mindset:
   • You’re in my house
   • Take risks
   • Be comfortable in silence
   • Take your time
2. Make the impossible possible
3. Taoist productivity
   • Focus on one thing only
   • Do it until you feel empty

One more thing today, I was confused on how to work with my blog and my to do list together as they sort of fill in the same needs. They both help me get structure and work through issues.

What I decided is that I’m going to use my to do list as a mental dump and use it to organize my thoughts. If any part of those parts, I want to work through in a workspace, I will combine the necessary elements together, cross them all out and transfer to my blog to work out.

I now have 3 forms of organization:

1. To do list – braindump and prioritization tool
2. Blog – workspace
3. Calendar – time planning tool, reminder for future tasks

Overlapping areas:

1. Takeaways from prioritization or working out prioritization can be a overlap of blog and to do list
2. Long terms tasks can be overlap from calendar and to do list
3. Calendar event and work can be overlap between blog and calendar
4. Large tasks can be overlap from to do list and blog

Current thoughts about order of operations:

1. Journaling in blog
2. To do list forming and prioritizaiton
3. Long tasks added to calendar
4. Add more to journal if needed
5. Follow to do list, clumping and converting to blog as needed

I’m feeling a lot of pressure for not making a huge amount of progress in finishing my funnels and progress in my businesses as a whole. I feel that I need to get much more productive in general and I’m not getting there currently in the working environments I’m in. I perhaps need to spend more time out of the apartment working out and in working spaces that help me focus.

I made a change today by going to one of those working spaces.

Let me process the emotions, then look at the dates strategically.

My tailbone and my neck are in tension and sore, probably from running a 5k yesterday.

I feel my heart is gripped in a vice when I think of the time running out.

I feel scared. I feel a bit of the trapped feeling as well.

I almost feel this hollowness in my heart. Almost the same feeling as feeling unloved and misunderstood.

I’m remembering what I felt last night:

• I need to focus on the end goal (for my art coaching its helping people who want to pursue this beautiful masterpiece and feel so alone on this journey)
• Those people need me, there is some urgency to get it done immediately
• I want to inspire my own artistic journey
• I just need to create and let the art be what it wants to be

I also saw this amazing video:

It makes me want to do YouTube again, but I feel overwhelmed.

Now that I think of it, it may be a better fit for my AI consulting business. That is a space that is likely very hot, gets a lot of clicks and views and I don’t have a clear idea or mission on what I want to do.

Now let’s look at timelines:

Art Coaching

Start: 7/12 | End: 9/12 | 63 days total

What needs to be done for the funnel:

Payment/banking systems
How much to pay myself vs save for taxes vs reinvest into business
Website
Business cards
Calendly
Client contracts
Mailing lists/CRM

AI Consulting

Start: 7/12 | End: 9/12 | 63 days total

What needs to be done for the funnel:

1. Payment/banking systems
2. How much to pay myself vs save for taxes vs reinvest into business
3. Website
4. Business cards
5. Calendly
6. Client contracts
7. Mailing lists/CRM
8. Branding
9. New contract for funnel

So we are day 26/63 meaning we are 41% through the period, we have 37 days left

I feel a lot of frustration and anger about not seeing any results with my ads.

I feel anger because:

• I worked so hard and intelligently compared to so many people, yet I didn’t really get any sort of results, not even site clicks
• I don’t understand why this is happening. I get it if people come to the website and don’t convert. I don’t get it that no one even goes to the website?
• I feel extremely angry that my client will take it as further evidence that they are correct (“you just need to be viral” “its not words and images that will get you there” “no one cares about your values” “people wont buy even if its free”)

I think the reasons why it’s failing is because the offer or the video is not good in some way. There must be something wrong with it.

Maybe its possible that the audience settings are not perfect either.

The reality is that my client has no idea what is going on and just wants us to succeed.

He knows that I’ve been working super hard at this project and I’m sure he appreciates it.

He has certain biases that he wants to enact, but those will have to wait until after my period.

I’m really struggling to process some feelings right now.

1. I am working through the stressful emotions that come up when I see an attractive girl
2. I am working through overwhelmed and frustrated emotions with my current project for my AI consulting
3. I am working through fear and stress I feel working on my pipelines
4. I am working through feeling of fear and anxiety around money

Let’s work through them one by one.

Attractive girl

Guilt, shame, deep desire

Center of my chest, painful clenching

Stomach clenching

I am bad

I am defective

I am ugly

I am guilty

I am rejected

I won’t ever find beauty or be happy

What if the perfect one is out there

It’s not about the perfect person who meets all your needs. It’s the relationship that meets all of your needs.

Why do I place all my hopes and dreams on a person? Because I want to be happy and I’ve only felt that in shallow relationships. I like meeting people. I like the feeling of possibility in life of variety.

Can I meet those needs in a relationship? Can I find novelty and excitement in a relationship?

Why is desire such an important need for adventures for me? Just because I’m in a relationship, doesn’t mean I can’t be attractive. But I want to find someone attractive, then for them and me to do the little romantic dance. I worry when I’m in a relationship, that’s not possible anymore.

I think honestly the fear comes from lack of needs being met in the relationship. Specifically around safety, social needs, chemistry, and inspiration. I feel if I felt if I felt safe to talk openly about people that are attractive and my partner is secure enough in herself, I felt my social needs are met, I felt strong chemistry, and inspired I would not find others attractive.

I want to switch my mindset over from comparing and wanting to meet my needs via others, and focus more on the relationship. Looking elsewhere is giving up on the relationship and if I really want to look elsewhere, I want to first end the relationship.

I don’t want to neglect my needs anymore.

I want to first meet my needs myself, then in the relationship:

1. Safety – self acceptance and kindness
2. Social needs – be in touch with moment, who people really are
3. Chemistry – spending more time on self care, self massage
4. Inspiration – reminding myself of the greatness I am capable of, of the change I can create

For the relationship, I want to continue working through needs course.

I feel fear in my chest when I think about my relationship. I feel uncertainty.

No matter what happens I will find peace and happiness because of the way I engage with the world.

My little emotional processing toolkit for meeting my needs:

1. Radical acceptance, hold myself, be curious, somatic
2. Self love, massage
3. Be in the moment, see things how they are

Chemistry

The indescribable feeling

Like the beauty of the red in the roses

Unfurled

Cutting in the corners, filling then in

This feeling of a world around you

That you carry everywhere you go

Our worlds meet

The openness to connect with me

Ok, this raises so many questions it is time to move along

Project Frustration

I feel lost, overwhelmed, and misunderstood.

What if I fail? What if its all for nothing? I don’t know what to do. It feels like so much work.

I don’t know what to do to be effective. I feel the time is running out so fast.

I need to focus on the end goal. Ignore everything else, its just a bonus.

Recently I’ve been feeling immense pressure with the sensation that I’m somehow running out of time.

I feel a lot of frustration and anger in my chest.

I feel like I have no time anymore to work on the projects, and making progress in my own WordPress. I feel burning rage and frustration in my chest and stomach.

It might be the I am out of control wound.

I’m really angry at myself for procrastinating and not being able to get anything done.

Today I did come up with a really cool idea for an AI benchmark for:

1. Creative writing
2. Problem solving
3. Research
4. Contracts

I also feel overwhelmed. I feel like there is so much work to do, I don’t know where to start. I am overwhelmed. I am not able to deal with it.

I have a lot of projects I’m working on and it is scary to feel that I don’t know how to handle that.

I feel pressure because there are all difficult challenges that are important to me.

I failed big at succeeding in them…I’m so proud of myself!

This is a good thing. To fail big is to learn big.

The lessons are slowly being revealed.

The first question is…what did I need when I was in the overwhelmed state?

Well, I needed to feel the feelings, to be ok with just processing first.

After feeling the feelings to the fullest, what I need next is to find the courage in myself to face the challenge. To remember that I’m capable of anything.

And after feeling embracing the challenge, thinking tactically how I want to face it, and specifically, what small steps I want to take.

I want to take everything that I know as a small task and add it to my todolist. We will start there.