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Drafting out My Disclaimer

Byjack

Intro goal:

  • Create a disclaimer for my hot takes channel
  • Make people understand why I’m doing what I’m doing
  • Make it ok for people to disagree and debate

It is important to talk about controversial issues because controversial issues are controversial because they are important issues. I have strong opinions and will say exactly what I mean and be very direct. I am not an expert on everything. I can be wrong and you can disagree with me. I might also change my mind, this is just what I believe right now.

Outro goal:

  • Get them thinking deeper
  • Get engagement

What came up for you during this video? What is your hot take? Add to the conversation in the comments sections below. I read everything.

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The Trifecta of Growth and Progression Down the Path of Truth

Byjack

There was a big journey I went down in terms of working on myself, becoming more mature and being able to live a free and meaningful life.

  • I started by thinking that you needed to meet your own needs
  • Then I thought you needed to be good at asking for your needs
  • And finally, I thought you needed to process traumas and emotions

But I realized that they are all part of the same things and have different parts to play.

In a way, everything is about not abandoning yourself and taking care of yourself. You surround yourself with people who you can talk about what is on your mind truthfully and emotionally. They help you understand what you need. You are able to then give yourself what you need and walk down further along the path of understanding different parts of yourself that are in pain.

From processing emotions, we can truly love ourselves, and the people around us, and be present in the moment.

There is a sense that being with people who don’t accept us, don’t allow us to feel safe speaking our truth is self abandoment. In a way, even if someone meets some of our needs (for example is attractive enough to make us feel special), if we settle for someone who doesn’t love us or allow us to be ourselves, we are putting ourselves down.

Not allowing ourselves to meet our own needs (for example, asking for validation from others because we refuse to give it to ourselves) is self abandonment.

Refusing to look deeper, and shielding parts of ourselves from the world (for example, keeping a confident outward appearance when we feel anxious) is abandoning parts of ourselves and placing the outside world’s comfort above our own.

Creating Excitement in Productivity

Byjack

I’ve been seeking excitement in my life for some time now. The excitement of walking up to random people to ask for them to vote for my non-profit, jumping off something high for parkour, or talking to a pretty girl on the street.

All those things felt like they had an element of risk but felt extreemly freeing and rewarding.

I wanted to know how to get more of this in my life and I stumbled upon a way to bring it into the more mundane parts of life, and if I can bring it into the mundane, perhaps I can bring it everywhere.

I realized that this can be used in any area where I have the desire to act but feel too afraid and that this could be any type of fear, not just social fear. For example, I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety recently with feeling overwhelmed by things. For example, I feel overwhelmed at the thought of taking out the dishes, going to the gym, doing a duolingo test or playing an online chess match against a real person.

Using the formula that I developed with talking to women (but no longer use since I have a girlfriend), here are the steps:

  1. Imagine that I am going for it, and that I can imagine myself doing so within the next few seconds
  2. Imagine the fullest extent of “going for it”, how would truly committing look like, how would feeling effortless and free look like
  3. Let the fear/excitement build up in your chest as you start to breathe
  4. Let the energy carry the action – you don’t have to act if it feels wrong, but let the energy flow through your breathing and let it move you
  5. Continue to breathe through the experience to stay connected to yourself

These steps can bring a feeling of aliveness and control over life. I should know, I used it to write this very post and shoot the video below.

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Warmth

Byjack
Warmth

I feel the warmth in my skin

As if she is with me

Safe and soft

I love her

Because yesterday

She made me feel safe

She made me feel close

She made feel like she belonged to me

There are so many worries

So many challenges

Some caused by me

Some caused by her

And some caused by no one

Just by our circumstances

But when I feel her close

My heart feels like it wants to fly

And I feel

Warm

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I Wish I Could Hold Her

Byjack
I Wish I Could Hold Her

You can’t willingly choose to be with someone

For 308 days

And not love them

I feel unsure as to whether I want

To be with her

But I love her so much

I don’t think she knows

Because last time we spoke

I was all harsh and tired and angry

I cry every time I think about what she said

That she looked up airbnbs for me

That she was excited for me to visit her

I love the way she swings her feet when she is excited

I love the little snuffles she makes when she sleeps

I was afraid she had no empathy

But she always did for me

How sad she felt when I am sad

I wish I could hold her

Protect her from the world

It’s complicated because

I feel like maybe 

I can’t be in a relationship now

That I need to be able to explore freely

See what else is out there

Why do I have to hurt my little sloth

For me to get what I want?

I’m happy when she is happy

And I hurt when she hurts

I want to be her friend forever

To comfort her when she cries

To make her laugh and smile

To be there for her when no one else is

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I Don’t Want To Feel Her Feelings

Byjack
I Don’t Want To Feel Her Feelings

Every time I read her words

My hatred for her grows darker and angrier

That I have no choice but to respect her

That she is significantly better

And I’m just jealous

She ruined this game for me I’m sure

It took me so long

To find the drive to learn

To explore

To have fun

Yet all the things I taught her

How to use smurfs

Trying out duelists

Buying on the second round

She realized makes sense

She isn’t even as toxic anymore

Yet she still thinks she’s better

Still thinks that hunting for kills

Wanting to put other people down

Is correct

It’s a poison

I can’t play the game anymore without it seeping in

Talking to her

Ruins me

Yet she is too bored to talk about anything else

Because all she respects

Are people who do well in the game

And are mean to everyone else

She cannot fathom

How little respect I have for those people

That I hate them more than anything

That I never wanted her to be like that

That what I truly respect

Is the love for learning

Passion for the game

Looking for new ways to explore and have fun

To take on the challenge

And rise up to it

To bring others with you

Now I am horribly upset

And I don’t know how to even recover

Life feels empty and all I feel is hatred

All I want to do is make her feel pain

Nothing I cared about in life matters to me anymore

Nothing seems fun

I hate everything

I wish

She was good at the game

Was passionate

Wanted to share it with me

Wanted to teach me

Wanted to work together with me in the game

Wanted to play together

Have fun

Explore together

But all she cares about

Is using it to put other people down

It’s funny

In the beginning

She made me love this game

More than anything

Now I hate it

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Misaligned

Byjack
Misaligned

It’s been bothering me

All day

All night

Nagging at me

This feeling I cannot place my finger on

Something 

Misaligned

The easiest way to see this

Is how much respect 

She has for her friend

Wealthy

Privileged

A liar

A cheater

Skips school

Steals for fun

Likes being toxic

Likes fighting people

“Winning” arguments

As if life is handing out prizes

For the most annoying waste of space

Yet somehow

These are not the traits she dislikes

But admires

She loves it when her friend buys her things

She also lies

Also likes to cheat

Also plays mind games

Skips school together

Is envious of the stealing

Tries to be even more toxic

Like fighting people too

She seems to respect her friend so much

A near high school dropout

She claims I won’t be able to handle her

That she will somehow break me emotionally

As if I don’t have years more experience

Intelligence

And self-awareness

And yet

Everything good in this world

That I love

Exploring the world

Learning about math and science

Reading books

Being kind and empathetic

Singing and dancing

Succeeding in school

Being smart and competent

Are all somehow undesirable

Somehow

Cringy

Boring

I don’t know

I’m confused

I don’t understand

What world she even lives in

How can I connect her world with mine

I still love her

And I have no idea

What to do next

It makes me feel

Confused

Afraid

Angry

Unhappy

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My Heart Is In the Back of My Throat

Byjack
My Heart Is In The Back of My Throat

And it hurts

Like fucking hell

When I think she says

I need autotune

And a backing track

That everyone who told me I was a good singer

Was probably being nice

Probably joking

And laughed when I told her that I try not to sing around girls I like

Because they always seem to like me afterward, and I don’t know if they actually like me

Or my singing

I’m livid

The subtext is clear

That I’m stupid or naive

Too wrapped up in my own head I can’t hear my own recordings properly

That I’m somehow terrible despite all evidence to the contrary

I can’t tell if she is tone deaf

Or just has such a low opinion of me, she assumes I’m bad

Or simply has an extremely high bar for singers

She can’t see any of the beauty that most people see

She doesn’t get that look

That I see in people’s eyes when I sing

That focus

Like I’ve completely captured their attention

She’s not like the mean girl in class

Who smiled at me and said hi for the first time after I sang

Or the blonde girl on the bench

Who started talking to me

After she heard me sing

She wasn’t all the people who told me that they wished they knew how to sing

She’s like the girl at work

Closed off

Sitting at her desk

Grumpy

Always with headphones on

Or my friend’s ex boyfriend

Who was probably jealous

He couldn’t sing

Because he thought I was annoying

Even though my friend thought I was cool

She tells me

There is only one person

Who she liked when they sang

A girl who was her old friend

I wonder why

She is able to see the beauty in her friend’s voice

But unable to even stop herself from shutting me out

When I sing

Because out of all the people

Who I wanted to share this beautiful thing with

The one I wanted to pour my heart out to

The one I wanted to look at me in that way

When I sang

Focused

Entranced

Like in a spell

Was her

And my heart is telling me

She will never get it

She will never hear my voice for what it is

Talking To Myself

Byjack

I want to be able to face my pain. And there are a couple of questions I want to ask myself.

How am I feeling?

I feel really sad and heartbroken and lonely. I feel so much pain in my chest. I am angry and frustrated and depressed.

How can I be kinder to myself?

I need to give myself permission to ask for help from people. I need to ask people to distract me, to comfort me, and listen and understand why I loved her so much. I can try to forgive myself for hurting her.

Can I forgive her?

I don’t want to. I’m scared when I do, I will completely let her go. I will give up hope and move on. I want to think about how she can fix it. I want to blame her. I know she’s so loving and she didn’t want to be the person she was. She has a kind heart deep inside and really emotional and passionate.

Can I forgive myself?

It makes me really sad. I know I hurt her a lot, and keep hurting her over and over because of my ego. I feel ashamed that I need so much from her and keep asking her to give me more. I suppose I’ve been through a lot too. I had so much painful things happen in my life and it’s closed me off. I was more open to her than anyone else. I deserve to be happy too. I deserve to put my needs first too.

What do I need from her?

I need for her to tell me everything is ok. I need for her to tell me she loves me. I need for her to give me hope again that we will have a beautiful loving bond where I will have everything I need.

Can I give myself that?

It’s hard for sure. I don’t think everything will be ok. I don’t love myself either. And I don’t feel hope.

 

I’ll write a poem to try to do all those things for myself:

Love Again

When I met the first girl I was in love with

I was so much younger

Full hope and promise

And when it ended

I didn’t think I would ever recover

And I didn’t

Not for the next 8 years

And when I was open again

I met another girl

One who I can’t even express

How much I loved

So much

I’m crying right now

Thinking about it

Now it’s over

For the moment

But life moves on

Just like it did last time

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What Makes Me Cry

Byjack
What Makes Me Cry

It’s not the fact that I loved her

Or the fact she used to read my blog every morning

Or the sound of her pretty voice

Or her jokes

Her emotions

Her caring side

Her acceptance of everything about me, even the dark parts

Her deep love for me

Or her photographs

Not her neediness

Or her eagerness to please me

What makes me cry

Is thinking about

How I always thought

I would be the one

To take her

Away from all the pain and suffering in her life

Hold her in my arms every night

Give her a space to heal and blossom

I thought I would be the one

To save her

But I’m not

That

Makes me cry