As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams
I was so caught up in listening to his objections
And explaining to him how it would be successful
I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive
I forget to tell it to him in a way
That he wouldn’t respond with judgement
And disgust
As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap
Not the energy
That created the great figures
He admires so much
I was standing in the morning
And jumped in place
When I heard her come down the stairs
She was going to catch me
Wasting time
She told me to do exercises
But I wanted to focus on my breathing
Stare into space
Feel my thoughts
I had to bring reasons
Like armor
To defend myself against her assault
Wash your clothes
Go outside and exercise
Take a nap
Or the screaming
Rejection comes next
Anger
Chaos
Danger
Like a time bomb
Set off by too many times
I didn’t give a reason to her
That I knew what I was doing
In my room writing this down
I await the assault
And brace myself with a list of explanations
Of why I’m up here
Intro goal:
It is important to talk about controversial issues because controversial issues are controversial because they are important issues. I have strong opinions and will say exactly what I mean and be very direct. I am not an expert on everything. I can be wrong and you can disagree with me. I might also change my mind, this is just what I believe right now.
Outro goal:
What came up for you during this video? What is your hot take? Add to the conversation in the comments sections below. I read everything.
There was a big journey I went down in terms of working on myself, becoming more mature and being able to live a free and meaningful life.
But I realized that they are all part of the same things and have different parts to play.
In a way, everything is about not abandoning yourself and taking care of yourself. You surround yourself with people who you can talk about what is on your mind truthfully and emotionally. They help you understand what you need. You are able to then give yourself what you need and walk down further along the path of understanding different parts of yourself that are in pain.
From processing emotions, we can truly love ourselves, and the people around us, and be present in the moment.
There is a sense that being with people who don’t accept us, don’t allow us to feel safe speaking our truth is self abandoment. In a way, even if someone meets some of our needs (for example is attractive enough to make us feel special), if we settle for someone who doesn’t love us or allow us to be ourselves, we are putting ourselves down.
Not allowing ourselves to meet our own needs (for example, asking for validation from others because we refuse to give it to ourselves) is self abandonment.
Refusing to look deeper, and shielding parts of ourselves from the world (for example, keeping a confident outward appearance when we feel anxious) is abandoning parts of ourselves and placing the outside world’s comfort above our own.
I’ve been seeking excitement in my life for some time now. The excitement of walking up to random people to ask for them to vote for my non-profit, jumping off something high for parkour, or talking to a pretty girl on the street.
All those things felt like they had an element of risk but felt extreemly freeing and rewarding.
I wanted to know how to get more of this in my life and I stumbled upon a way to bring it into the more mundane parts of life, and if I can bring it into the mundane, perhaps I can bring it everywhere.
I realized that this can be used in any area where I have the desire to act but feel too afraid and that this could be any type of fear, not just social fear. For example, I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety recently with feeling overwhelmed by things. For example, I feel overwhelmed at the thought of taking out the dishes, going to the gym, doing a duolingo test or playing an online chess match against a real person.
Using the formula that I developed with talking to women (but no longer use since I have a girlfriend), here are the steps:
These steps can bring a feeling of aliveness and control over life. I should know, I used it to write this very post and shoot the video below.
I feel the warmth in my skin
As if she is with me
Safe and soft
I love her
Because yesterday
She made me feel safe
She made me feel close
She made feel like she belonged to me
There are so many worries
So many challenges
Some caused by me
Some caused by her
And some caused by no one
Just by our circumstances
But when I feel her close
My heart feels like it wants to fly
And I feel
Warm
You can’t willingly choose to be with someone
For 308 days
And not love them
I feel unsure as to whether I want
To be with her
But I love her so much
I don’t think she knows
Because last time we spoke
I was all harsh and tired and angry
I cry every time I think about what she said
That she looked up airbnbs for me
That she was excited for me to visit her
I love the way she swings her feet when she is excited
I love the little snuffles she makes when she sleeps
I was afraid she had no empathy
But she always did for me
How sad she felt when I am sad
I wish I could hold her
Protect her from the world
It’s complicated because
I feel like maybe
I can’t be in a relationship now
That I need to be able to explore freely
See what else is out there
Why do I have to hurt my little sloth
For me to get what I want?
I’m happy when she is happy
And I hurt when she hurts
I want to be her friend forever
To comfort her when she cries
To make her laugh and smile
To be there for her when no one else is
Every time I read her words
My hatred for her grows darker and angrier
That I have no choice but to respect her
That she is significantly better
And I’m just jealous
She ruined this game for me I’m sure
It took me so long
To find the drive to learn
To explore
To have fun
Yet all the things I taught her
How to use smurfs
Trying out duelists
Buying on the second round
She realized makes sense
She isn’t even as toxic anymore
Yet she still thinks she’s better
Still thinks that hunting for kills
Wanting to put other people down
Is correct
It’s a poison
I can’t play the game anymore without it seeping in
Talking to her
Ruins me
Yet she is too bored to talk about anything else
Because all she respects
Are people who do well in the game
And are mean to everyone else
She cannot fathom
How little respect I have for those people
That I hate them more than anything
That I never wanted her to be like that
That what I truly respect
Is the love for learning
Passion for the game
Looking for new ways to explore and have fun
To take on the challenge
And rise up to it
To bring others with you
Now I am horribly upset
And I don’t know how to even recover
Life feels empty and all I feel is hatred
All I want to do is make her feel pain
Nothing I cared about in life matters to me anymore
Nothing seems fun
I hate everything
I wish
She was good at the game
Was passionate
Wanted to share it with me
Wanted to teach me
Wanted to work together with me in the game
Wanted to play together
Have fun
Explore together
But all she cares about
Is using it to put other people down
It’s funny
In the beginning
She made me love this game
More than anything
Now I hate it
It’s been bothering me
All day
All night
Nagging at me
This feeling I cannot place my finger on
Something
Misaligned
The easiest way to see this
Is how much respect
She has for her friend
Wealthy
Privileged
A liar
A cheater
Skips school
Steals for fun
Likes being toxic
Likes fighting people
“Winning” arguments
As if life is handing out prizes
For the most annoying waste of space
Yet somehow
These are not the traits she dislikes
But admires
She loves it when her friend buys her things
She also lies
Also likes to cheat
Also plays mind games
Skips school together
Is envious of the stealing
Tries to be even more toxic
Like fighting people too
She seems to respect her friend so much
A near high school dropout
She claims I won’t be able to handle her
That she will somehow break me emotionally
As if I don’t have years more experience
Intelligence
And self-awareness
And yet
Everything good in this world
That I love
Exploring the world
Learning about math and science
Reading books
Being kind and empathetic
Singing and dancing
Succeeding in school
Being smart and competent
Are all somehow undesirable
Somehow
Cringy
Boring
I don’t know
I’m confused
I don’t understand
What world she even lives in
How can I connect her world with mine
I still love her
And I have no idea
What to do next
It makes me feel
Confused
Afraid
Angry
Unhappy
And it hurts
Like fucking hell
When I think she says
I need autotune
And a backing track
That everyone who told me I was a good singer
Was probably being nice
Probably joking
And laughed when I told her that I try not to sing around girls I like
Because they always seem to like me afterward, and I don’t know if they actually like me
Or my singing
I’m livid
The subtext is clear
That I’m stupid or naive
Too wrapped up in my own head I can’t hear my own recordings properly
That I’m somehow terrible despite all evidence to the contrary
I can’t tell if she is tone deaf
Or just has such a low opinion of me, she assumes I’m bad
Or simply has an extremely high bar for singers
She can’t see any of the beauty that most people see
She doesn’t get that look
That I see in people’s eyes when I sing
That focus
Like I’ve completely captured their attention
She’s not like the mean girl in class
Who smiled at me and said hi for the first time after I sang
Or the blonde girl on the bench
Who started talking to me
After she heard me sing
She wasn’t all the people who told me that they wished they knew how to sing
She’s like the girl at work
Closed off
Sitting at her desk
Grumpy
Always with headphones on
Or my friend’s ex boyfriend
Who was probably jealous
He couldn’t sing
Because he thought I was annoying
Even though my friend thought I was cool
She tells me
There is only one person
Who she liked when they sang
A girl who was her old friend
I wonder why
She is able to see the beauty in her friend’s voice
But unable to even stop herself from shutting me out
When I sing
Because out of all the people
Who I wanted to share this beautiful thing with
The one I wanted to pour my heart out to
The one I wanted to look at me in that way
When I sang
Focused
Entranced
Like in a spell
Was her
And my heart is telling me
She will never get it
She will never hear my voice for what it is