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Like A Dried Pizza

Byjack

Like A Dried Pizza

There is a dried pizza on my table

The last piece that I didn’t eat yesterday

It’s dry and cold

I feel I know what the pizza feels like

Last night

I didn’t sleep

All night

Tossing turning

Hoping the audiobook was loud enough

To tune out my thoughts

I felt so sure

In my stomach

That this was the end of the road for us

She isn’t the right one for me

I don’t know how I knew

But I knew it was over

I asked her to reassure me

And I felt her warmth

Like a blanket for a shivering man

I love her so much

I think about how vulnerable she is with me

I know she’s ready to stay with me forever

You don’t meet someone like that every day

The sadness in me

For once isn’t about comparison

It isn’t about comparing her with someone else

It’s just telling me

I can’t be with her any longer

I can’t keep up this act

I feel tired

So tired of explaining myself

Of feeling misunderstood

Yet

I don’t know

Her devotion feels like the cure for all pain

What is a drop of discomfort

For a lifetime of love?

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I Only Felt That Way Once

Byjack

I Only Felt That Way Once

In the tiktok video

She was aggressively stating “shoulds”

The enemy of “is”

But one stood out to me

If you fall in love, you’re partner is the most beautiful one in the world to you

But I only felt that once

I used to think that meant I was in love

But I wonder

Was that love

Or just the honeymoon phase when you see

All the things you want to see

Yet there was a magic there I miss

Of not feeling anxious for a single moment

And I wonder what it would be like to feel like that

Maybe I will feel it when I fully embrace the anxiety

Feeling of frustration

Of shame

I don’t know

I just feel

Doubt

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Don’t Show Empathy

Byjack

Don’t Show Empathy

He told me

He looked matter a fact

Almost amused

He looked over to my boss

At least that’s what I was told

Because then they will try to negotiate for more

He said

My boss nodded slightly

I asked them how to do this with empathy

And they told me not to

They told me to use words

To make him feel good

As if I valued him

They didn’t know

I’m not scared of this conversation

But I did value him

I don’t need to pretend

But they are asking me to wait until the last minute to tell him

I talked to him today

And he looked at me

And I felt so caged

Unable to meet his eyes

Unable to be honest

They want to wait

To spring it on him all at once

As if this is something that needs to be done

With the fear of retribution in mind

My boss told me that it would be kindness to drag things on

But I didn’t sleep last night

So tired

Wound up tight

Like something is squeezing my heart shut

Like a hydraulic press

I wonder if it is worth

Being in a place

Where I feel this way

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Artistic Life Challenge

Byjack

I don’t really know much about what I want from this challenge yet just so as to say that there was a part of my life when I felt really connected to visual art. I used to draw all the time, I used to think about ideas for paintings and dream of illustrating children’s books and graphic novels.

A part of me is still excited by those things but for whatever reason, maybe it was going to a school without passionate artists, maybe it was pushing myself to be more logical and working in logical STEM fields for years, or maybe it was just a part of growing up – I lost touch with art somewhere along the way.

The challenge is simple but difficult to define. I will have succeeded if I feel that I am meeting my need to be creative and finding that joy, wonder, and creativity in my life again like I did when I was younger.

I will try to express the feelings through a poem:

Anything Was Possible

Anything was possible back then

And by anything I don’t mean that I ever dreamed of anything as boring as a seven-figure salery

I felt the worlds of magic at my fingertips

The rush and pull of sorcery

A great clash between good and evil

And a bond between friends, unwavering

Of great courage and great sacrifice

I think now

In what my younger self could have only described

As old age

30 years old is practically ancient

I know that the only way I can do this challenge

Is not through an arbitrary goal or metric

But rather it has to be a portal to another world

A graphic novel

Like I always wanted

Or an illustrated book

It doesn’t matter

Because it is the world that matters

The world that I can escape to

Like the little mouse hole my six year old self would crawl into

To read frog and toad books at the library

Perhaps this has all come full circle after all

Because 30 years old is precisely the age

My younger self would expect to be the time

When people stopped being readers

And started being writers

The creators of the worlds

Like the ones I used to like to escape to

When I was young

It’s actually both fantastic and sad that it took a poem for me to understand what my focus will be for my art challenge. I think I will rename this challenge. I wanted to find myself reinspired by art, and I forget how art inspired me in the first place – by entering and creating other worlds.

This will now be known as the “The Other World” challenge and I will dedicate a year to it.

One year to develop another world that I can dive into, be comforted by, and be lost in.

That means by October 9th, 2024 I will endeavor to have created a miracle. Shaped and molded a whole new universe out of words, images, and maybe even music.

I’m excited because I thought this challenge was going to be like the rest of them, so difficult and challenging. I thought it was going to be about doing Inktober and drawing for an art competition. I realize now that those goals are meaningless to me, and using them as goals, made me feel directionless in art.

This feels more true to my love for art. I remember crying to my girlfriend today about a beautiful book I read when I was young, called the Power of Un. It was a world that I fell into, just like all the others. It was all these worlds that made me feel excited for life. And it is the absence of these worlds that have left me feeling like some part of me was lost and never quite found.

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Knee Challenge: Looking Ahead

Byjack

I completed my knee challenge in terms of going hiking in Zion national park. I felt like I succeeded in a big way but still have a long way to go in terms of getting where I need to go.

What is next for me? I know in the long term, I want to be very physically active. I want to be able to practice martial arts, do a little parkour and gymnastics. I know it will take a lot of effort and time to get there and it feels quite overwhelming for me.

I’m going to set a few large goals and then look at some of the very short term goals getting there.

2 year goal – the ability to practice martial arts, parkour gymnastics and skiing. My goal isn’t to go too hard in any of these areas, just to be able to do them safely.

1 year goal – to get back to preinjury levels

1 month goal – be able to sleep, walk, stand and light exercise with zero discomfort. I will call this goal little freedom.

I don’t really know what the next step in my process is. It feels too soon to set a schedule yet.

I just want to slowly rest and explore for now.

My feelings are that challenge videos make for really good productivity but I need to slow down sometimes and feel the feelings.

Maybe I will write a poem:

Creaky Knees

When I bend my knee

It feels like I’m grinding

Hinges made of old stone

Like the kind in movies

That open secret magical passages

And grate against themselves

I say that I want to be able to do martial arts again

But the truth is

I don’t know what I want

I am afraid to dream again

Of a world where I can be active

I’m so used to being scared

Of clutching my knee close

So as not to hurt it

I feel like I’m too old to have these dreams anymore

Of flying

Like I did when I wanted to learn parkour

Everything scares me

I feel that

I need to understand this part of myself first

Listen to what it wants to say

“Everything is a danger”

It tells me

The protector of my knee

Of my body

It feels safe to not move at all

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The Invitation From Life

Byjack

A few days ago, my coach asked me a powerful question. I don’t remember what it is but I came up with this poem.

the summer sun on the blue pool
smell of chlorine, flip flops on the concrete
the late nights in your city, lights on long streets
big dreams in a small classroom on a paper on the board
paint covering the canvases, dripping off the walls
life has always been waiting
for you to be recklessly, wildly, lovingly creative

This led to me deciding the most powerful question in this whole poem is “why has life always been waiting for you”?

I felt in many ways this is true. I live in a wonderfully creative city. I have a youtube channel, a coaching practice, a well-paying job with lots of free time. Life is waiting on me to make a move.

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What Should I Do?

Byjack
What Should I Do?

Every time I am afraid

I feel confused and helpless

I ask myself

What should I do?

My mom told me what I should do

My dad told me what I should do

But maybe I outgrow their voices in my head

Maybe they become possibilities

Of what I could do

Maybe what I needed from my mom and dad

When I was confused

Is the space to self soothe

A safe place to feel the confusion

So the path would become clear to me

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My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard

Byjack
My Father Tells Me It’s Going to Be Hard

As I sit on the chair and explain to him my life dreams

I was so caught up in listening to his objections

And explaining to him how it would be successful

I forgot to tell him that this is what makes me feel alive

I forget to tell it to him in a way

That he wouldn’t respond with judgement

And disgust

As if one’s purpose was something flimsy and cheap

Not the energy

That created the great figures

He admires so much

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I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

Byjack
I’m Not Allowed to Waste Time

I was standing in the morning

And jumped in place

When I heard her come down the stairs

She was going to catch me

Wasting time

She told me to do exercises

But I wanted to focus on my breathing

Stare into space

Feel my thoughts

I had to bring reasons

Like armor

To defend myself against her assault

Wash your clothes

Go outside and exercise

Take a nap

Or the screaming

Rejection comes next

Anger

Chaos

Danger

Like a time bomb

Set off by too many times 

I didn’t give a reason to her

That I knew what I was doing

In my room writing this down

I await the assault

And brace myself with a list of explanations

Of why I’m up here

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Warmth

Byjack
Warmth

I feel the warmth in my skin

As if she is with me

Safe and soft

I love her

Because yesterday

She made me feel safe

She made me feel close

She made feel like she belonged to me

There are so many worries

So many challenges

Some caused by me

Some caused by her

And some caused by no one

Just by our circumstances

But when I feel her close

My heart feels like it wants to fly

And I feel

Warm