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I Felt Relieved Sort Of

Byjack

I Felt Relieved Sort Of

When she didn’t want to talk about it

But it hurt

Like it always hurts

When I feel

This chasm

Between us

Her on one side

Telling me

I’m anorexic

Me trying to tell her

That we cannot control others

That we need to take responsibility for our emotions

It feels like abuse

Emotional abuse

The words that’s she says

I just realized

I never thought about that before

Because I am so used to my parents doing it

To me

To each other

I feel relieved

Sort of

Because I want to think about

Her soft skin

And her warm body

So sweet and kind

I don’t want to argue

And fight

Yet

I realized today

That doubt and comparison for me

Are the symptoms of repressed unhappiness

Maybe that’s obvious

I made a video about it once

About how comparison is about having a need that is not met

How we compare ourselves with others because we feel a lack

But I didn’t want to think about what that meant for us

That we aren’t compatible

I guess I don’t believe that is true

She feels right in the light of day

Like when you wake

From a bad dream

Yet

I am reassured

To know

My doubts are there too

In the light

Normal

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Profit in Peace 20: Boundaries

Byjack

I was thinking today about boundaries and needs, and how I’m starting to work on recognizing them. I’ll add a new one to the list:

  1. Honesty – truth is important
  2. Empathy – emotions are important
  3. Respect – it is important to be valued and value others
  4. Time – control over your time and space
  5. Possibility – belief anything is possible
  6. Health – lifestyle is important

Needs are interesting, because I think boundaries are used to protect needs. I’m not entirely sure whether or not these are needs or boundaries. I also don’t know if they are values. In doing a little more research it seems that some people would consider these values, not needs. Maybe I should switch up my terminology.

In any case, health is a value that I recently added to incorporate my dedication to sleep, digestion, and exercise all in the service of feeling happy, strong, and energetic (for the long run).

I also recently thought about possibility. The most often neglected of all my values/needs but I feel equally important. I realized recently that possibility is what drives solutions. Boundaries are important, but communicating them, enforcing them, often requires compromise and communication. And what helps with that is the feeling of possibility.

Recently, I was feeling resentful of my parents not wanting me to go to a social gathering with friends. I felt it was violating my boundary around health (mental health), empathy (where they would value my emotions) and honesty (I did not feel like I could be honest about any of this).

However, I didn’t know what to do because I respect their boundaries around health might be a bit different from mine. Being older and frailer, they were more worried about my health and their own. I know that I cannot protect them from getting sick, but I felt increasingly stressed.

The possibility value came into play when I thought about how anything is possible. I started to think about how I could meet my need for emotional health in different ways, for example, talking more to my friends and meeting more of them (in a more one on one setting) that would potentially reduce and control the risk to my parents. At the same time I still see possibilities in meeting up with my friends working out as possibility is always there.

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Workplace 20: Basics

Byjack

I’ve been feeling quite down and unhappy recently.

I’ve decided after some meditation, journaling, and deep breathing that I want to focus back on the basics.

Here are the basics I already covered:

  1. Morning blog post and walk
  2. Nighttime journaling (most nights)
  3. 11-12 PM bedtime

Basics I want to further incorporate:

  1. Music and dance in the morning
  2. Deep breathing when I feel drawn to distract myself (indicates pain)
  3. Focus on creating delicious meals, taking time to enjoy eating and cooking

I’ve been processing the rejections in my previous post and I wanted to write a poem:

She Stared at Me

I remember the times when they just stared at me

As if they were surprised that I would even dare to ask

The girl in art history class

In the library

On the bus

That stare

Then that feeling I was reaching

For empty air

Something that didn’t exist

The feeling of people watching

Seeing me fail

Yet now I think about it

I was quite brave

I am a brave person

Willing to take the risk

I often didn’t believe in what I was doing

When I was trying to pick up girls

But now

With my career dreams

I do

Isn’t that worth a few stares?

Don’t I get the opportunity to shock

People out of their square lives

Square thoughts

Into my world?

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The Bubble

Byjack
The Bubble

Our words to each other

Are poor feeble tools

Unwieldy, inefficient, inaccurate

Yet they built something

We fumbled yes

It’s part of our practice

And make me feel hope

That when we meet

We find ourselves

In a place where all else disappears

Except the two of us

Our minds

Our emotions

Mixing

Like water in a bowl

A place where words dissolve

Like mints

Into their true feelings

And our minds as one

Find a place

Outside space and time

Workpost 43: Resilience (17 Questions)

Byjack

My questions:

  1. How to find a good business partner?
  2. How to live an entrepreneur/unemployed life?
  3. How to approach taxes as an entrepreneur?
  4. How to approach risk?
  5. How to build a support system?
  6. How to handle rejection?
  7. How to approach financial risk in a smart way?
  8. How to rebuild from nothing?
  9. How to deal with people looking down on you?
  10. How to get hired/search for a job?
  11. How to turn off work?
  12. How to minimize work effort/stress/inefficiency?
  13. How to process awkwardness?
  14. What are different selling methods?
  15. How to sell in a way that I feel myself?
  16. How to gain from/work with/ benefit from the American system?
  17. How can I be more resilient?

My intuitive answers to the questions:

How to find a good business partner?

  • Write down what the ideal business is like
  • Imagine all your favorite parts
  • Imagine all the parts you need help with
  • Write down your values
  • Think about where a person like this (values + good in the areas you are weak + interest in your business area) would like to do/hangs out
  • Ask close friends if they know someone like this

How to live an entrepreneur/unemployed life?

  • They are different questions
  • For the entrepreneur
    • Without a company, you need to build a company around you
    • Need to hire help/services to help automate different parts of life
  • For the unemployed
    • Now is the time to look for help
    • Look into government assistance, help from family and friends
  • To decide which one you are:
    • Unemployed when you no longer have ability to make money
    • If you have savings + some cashflow you are an entrepreneur
    • If you have no savings and negative cashflow, you are unemployed
    • You can be an entrepreneur and still work a job to increase your cashflow

How to approach taxes as an entrepreneur?

  • Find a CPA that has experience working with entrepreneurs

How to approach risk?

  • Risk is actually really simple
  • Risk value = probability of success x value of success
  • The higher the risk value, the more worth the risk, compare that with the resources the risk requires 

How to build a support system?

  • The easiest way are people who want to live in a similar world as you do
  • People who’s goals align with yours
  • The easiest way to ascertain this is just to ask people
  • You can also try to go to places that are included in your vision for what type of world you want to live in

How to handle rejection?

  • Repair the ways in which you rejected yourself

How to approach financial risk in a smart way?

  • Get good at estimating risk value and investment
  • If the risk value is $100,000, and the investment is $90,000 then the risk is likely worth it
  • If the risk value is $100,000 and the investment is $10,000 then the risk is definitely worth it

How to rebuild from nothing?

  • Know your strengths
  • Know what people want
  • Sell yourself

How to deal with people looking down on you?

  • Repair the ways other people have looked down on your in the past

How to get hired/search for a job?

  • Think about the jobs that will be easiest for you to get
  • Based on the interviews and discussions, adjust closer to what makes you happy

How to turn off work?

  • Create a viable plan for when pending work will be addressed
  • Write down the plan and execute when you are ready

How to minimize work effort/stress/inefficiency?

  • Focus on creating clarity at all times on what is expected and when
  • Set boundaries around respect and time
  • Make sure that the goals are specific and small enough to complete one at a time

How to process awkwardness?

  • Find reasons why awkwardness is a good thing

What are different selling methods?

  • Relationships sales – they like you
  • Technical sales – they like the technology
  • Pressure sales – they don’t want to say no
  • Trust sales – they trust you

How to sell in a way that I feel myself?

  • Trust sales + technical sales sounds most like me

How to gain from/work with/ benefit from the American system?

  • Sell to the rich
  • Hire people who are good at what they do
  • Outsource tedious stuff to other countries or AI

How can I be more resilient?

  • Spend time getting up when you fall
  • Specifically focus time and effort on healing from painful experiences
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Workpost 28: Taxes & Art Therapy

Byjack

Today I feel very tired but at least better rested than normal. I really want to finish my taxes today and I also want to experiment with art therapy and exercise to help get through the stress and effort of finishing.

My initial thoughts about art therapy is that it is all about reconnecting with your body…to do flow theory or follow what you feel. Art is about touching the forms with lines and paint, music is about creating sound, dance is about moving your body.

I’m doing more research. Here is a video that talks about using art to find a safe place:

Here is another video:

Current art therapy ideas:

  1. Express what you feel kinesthetically
    • Scribbling
    • Banging on the piano
    • Flow theory dance
    • Free writing
  2. Create a safe space, express what feels safe
    • Drawing
    • Writing
    • Music
  3. Repetitive motions
    • Shapes
    • Chords
    • Motions

But how does this translate to greater art creation? How does this create a world?

Thinking about this more, art creation is about the following:

  1. What you want to share with others
  2. What you find beautiful
  3. What you feel wonder about
  4. What stories you want to tell
  5. What is quirky, unique, and creative
  6. What worlds you want to live in and provide others

I have a couple ideas of how to transition from therapeutic art to art art:

  1. My therapy exercise (take a problem and solve it in the story by making the main character face a problem 10x more painful)
  2. Express what emotions you are feeling strongly
  3. Capture a memory
  4. Start with a characters
  5. Start with world
  6. Do a fanfic
  7. Daydream

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The Invitation From Life

Byjack

A few days ago, my coach asked me a powerful question. I don’t remember what it is but I came up with this poem.

the summer sun on the blue pool
smell of chlorine, flip flops on the concrete
the late nights in your city, lights on long streets
big dreams in a small classroom on a paper on the board
paint covering the canvases, dripping off the walls
life has always been waiting
for you to be recklessly, wildly, lovingly creative

This led to me deciding the most powerful question in this whole poem is “why has life always been waiting for you”?

I felt in many ways this is true. I live in a wonderfully creative city. I have a youtube channel, a coaching practice, a well-paying job with lots of free time. Life is waiting on me to make a move.