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Workpost 3: Pleasant Uncertainty
Today I feel a bit like there is a lot of uncertainty. There is uncertainty with my coaching business and with my career as an AI consultant, but there are also lots of opportunities moving forward.
I want to strive to move forwards and not start to distract myself from the emotions via games and videos.
The first thing I want to tackle is sleep. That is my main priority today. I want to understand why I feel unfulfilled at night, like something wasn’t quite done.
My intuition tells me that I desire to create art. I don’t know why.
Perhaps my first step is to start working on art at 9:30 PM.
Before that I want to achieve something in Valorant, so I will need to do some gaming earlier in the day.
I also desire to work on myself more, I think it really helps to think about emotional development as work. When I think about it as vulnerability, it feels not productive. But when I think of it as emotional work, it takes on new meaning and purpose.
Ok so lets take a look at my two projects right now:
So for my AI Consulting plan, I want to stick to the plan, but the timeline has changed a bit.
I wanted this current goal (Be known, give preview of consulting) to finish by Feb 27th. That leaves 7 days to film, shoot, edit and get feedback.
UNIT ONE (ends 23rd): Shoot 3 videos
- Spend total of 3 hours per video (9 hours total)
UNIT TWO (ends 24th): Write 2 LinkedIn posts
- Spend total of 1.5 hrs per post (3 hrs total)
UNIT THREE (ends 26th): Get feedback, harden process
Looking at my goal for art coaching, I feel dissatisfied with my current structure on process for that. I feel I need to work on finding more ambitious and exciting goals at every step of the way (even if I have a lot of time to get there). I realized in order for the syllabus method to work, you need to have very ambitious exciting goal…then think about how to make it difficult to expect anything other than success.
So let’s revisit the master plan here.
Goal: Ramp up to an income of 8333 per month (100k per year) within one year
I want to choose a new goal…make 1500 per week in coaching.
I want to achieve this within the next 3 months.
UNIT ONE (1 month): Focus on my craft – become a coach I would hire for 1000 per month
- Create plans (10 days, ends March 2nd)
- Deeply understanding clients
- Creating extreme focus and presence in life and sessions
- Developing connections clients need
- Materials and exercises to create and track strategy
- Execute on plans (10 days, ends March 12th)
- Research and refinement (10 days, ends March 22nd)
- Interview other coaches
- Read books
- Further brainstorming
UNIT TWO (1 month): Build 100 hot leads – depends on having free stuff
- Random try posting (10 days, ends April 1st)
- Get feedback and do networking and outreach (10 days, ends April 11th)
- Turn warm leads into hot leads with offer (10 days, ends April 21st)
UNIT THREE (1 month): Meld and combine top level coaching with leads machine
- Talk about my clients achievements, use it to push their art (10 days, ends May 1st)
- Clients have voice on my platform to talk about concepts in my coaching (10 days, ends May 11th)
- Refine call for action to get warm leads to ask for my offer, then turn into hot leads (10 days, ends May 21st)
Okok, I finally have a good framework, but working on this framework makes me realize I really do need to work on free products in the meantime.
Goal: Create free products in 1 month
UNIT ONE (10 days, ends March 2nd): Complete research
- Transcribe and think, what is the million dollar problem or breakthrough?
- Collate results, come up with solutions
- Research competition
UNIT TWO (10 days, ends March 12th): Develop products
- Planning and gathering materials doing research
- Create products
UNIT THREE (10 days, ends March 22nd): Continue development
- Testing and creating more products
To Explore Love
Who She Is For Me
When I’m with her
I feel I can be so ugly
So weak
So bad
So hurtful
And yet I feel safe
Like I can stop checking
Her face for signs of anger
Stop feeling ashamed, worried
It surprises me how calm I feel
When my mask is off around her
Her acceptance like a balm for my soul
Her love can
Make her helpless
Like the most beautiful creature
So vulnerable
She would endure
Pain if it means my pleasure
I like to explore life
And uncover it’s discoveries
Now I can have someone to share them with
It’s like
She can hear music in my mind
Of imagination, of beautiful ideas, of glory
And she smiles at me
Like we have a joke only we know
When I am struck with pain
Like an animal looking for its home
I seek her warmth
And her love is like a blanket
I can snuggle deep within
Protected from the world
Sometimes, we are just laughing
She’s shining as brightly as a star
It’s like the kind fun
You only find
As a kid on a playground
When she is hurting
I want to take her pain
Spread it around
So I can see her smile again
She is strong-willed
And I’m grinning
When she leads me by the hand
And shows me the world
Through her eyes
And all I can think sometimes
Is how much I love her
I Was Wondering What Would Happen If
I feel open
Like a canvas ready for paint
No future
No expectations
No obligations
Only action
Or no action
I didn’t pick up the phone
Except for the time
When I really felt like it
When I open my mouth
My words are driven
By the moment
In the freedom
Of saying fuck it
I’ll do what I feel like
I dream at night
For a relaxed afternoon
Sipping tea
And beauty
Both sweet and ordinary
When when I’m done wondering
We pass on
With happy memories
Like the lasting sweetness
Of a candy
Melted in your mouth
These two poems are comparing the feelings I have for two things – the girl who I want to wait for, and the experience of dating around that I want to explore in the meantime. I was trying to reconcile them and understand how they can coexist.
Some thoughts:
- I used to think I had to be super upfront about not wanting anything serious when dating. I don’t think so anymore. I will only explain if asked by the girl or if there comes a time where I feel I need to explain it (she is getting too invested). Most girls don’t even care until they develop feelings since they have an abundance of men.
- I used to reach out to people even when I didn’t want to (usually because I felt guilt since I knew the girl liked me and I didn’t want to hurt her/lose her). I’m not gonna do that anymore. I’ll basically treat them like guy friends. If there is something I want to say, or do with them, I will reach out. Otherwise, I’ll say nothing, make no effort.
- I’m afraid that I will mess up the beautiful connection I have with the girl I am waiting for by dating. I decided to stop pushing down that fear. It is happening for a good reason. As soon as I feel scared, unsafe, or distracted I should just stop dating and refocus on her. I never went into this to replace her and I should keep her as my top priority.
- I worry about meeting women so attractive I will forget about the girl I am waiting for. Honestly, this might happen at first, but I think at the end of the day, personality matters much much more to me. I think I would only be distracted by looks because I haven’t dated before. As long as someone is attractive ENOUGH, if I love them, they will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
- Overall, I should worry less about hurting women since they aren’t like men (have only one or two women to talk to). They usually have lots of men and could care less if I stopped talking to them. I can still be compassionate without overcompensating (for my fear of being an asshole).
What Should I Do?
What Should I Do?
Every time I am afraid
I feel confused and helpless
I ask myself
What should I do?
My mom told me what I should do
My dad told me what I should do
But maybe I outgrow their voices in my head
Maybe they become possibilities
Of what I could do
Maybe what I needed from my mom and dad
When I was confused
Is the space to self soothe
A safe place to feel the confusion
So the path would become clear to me
I’m Not Ashamed That I Loved Her
She told me that I would have been ashamed to tell my family or my therapist. But it wasn’t true. It wasn’t true because I would have explained that I loved her.
I loved her when she told me that when I left she cried for so long she threw up. I knew then she must have seen something special in me just like I saw something special in her.
I loved her when she made me laugh and smile at the stupidest things. I loved her when we would banter back and forth with insults.
I loved her when she told me that I needed to tell her when I got to my hotel late in California because she was scared she would lose me.
I loved her when she sent me a playlist of songs, beautiful songs, handpicked by her.
I loved her when she tried. Even when I made her uncomfortable. Even when I was mad at her.
I loved her when she was tired and would open up about the things in her life that troubled her. Things about her family. Things about her life.
I loved her when she told me she read my blog every morning.
I loved her when I was needy. So annoyingly needy, but she was nothing but caring and reassuring.
I loved her when she would ask me why I was ignoring her, if I was driving and couldn’t respond right away.
I loved her when I came back from a meeting and would find so many messages from her, like gifts waiting to be opened.
I loved her when we used to talk on the phone for hours, and it never felt longer than a few minutes.
I loved her intelligence, her passion, her humor, her taste in music, her compassion and warmth, her emotions, her feminine side. She understood everything I said to her. Whether it was a dumb joke or my life philosophy. She had a deep emotional intelligence. She knew when she was avoiding the truth and what the truth was. She was immature at times. She gave up easily. She was self-destructive. She preferred to avoid her problems instead of dealing with them. She liked distractions. She was vindictive when she was angry. She liked to cry. She was embarrassed easily. I loved her for all of that.
She tells me now everything was a lie. What a beautiful lie to love.
Profit in Peace 12: Peace Disrupted
My peace today was disrupted by work early. It is nice to have time to talk about strategic leadership things. I usually don’t have that much time during the week.
However, it’s not the type of morning that I aim to repeat.
I intend on reclaiming as much peace as I can in this 20 minute span.
I feel that respect is a really important need for me in work, and I feel that this need was not met at my previous job, it remains to be seen whether or not it is met enough in this job. I have my doubts to be sure.
Today, I woke up feeling much better, even though I went to bed a bit late. It’s because, on top of journaling, I also did cupping on my body to unblock anything that was blocked. Turned red on my chest, I guess a lot of blockages there specifically.
I feel with the level of stress this morning with no peace and no running I’m feeling surprisingly good.
I wonder how to push back on blatant hostility and disrespect in a way that I want to. I suppose some rage journaling should help and maybe my coaching mindset.
Today I want to focus on making a video on how to handle lack of respect in the workplace.
I don’t know how that is going to go but that’s what I want to do.
Perhaps I need to meditate on it some more.
Maybe finally watching another 20 minutes of the coaching call will be nice as well.
Workpost 18: Addicted
I’ve been playing pokemon go so much recently. I’ve made a lot of progress in the game, but I really worry that I’m getting addicted because of how stressed out I am right now.
I stressed out about my relationship and about my career path moving forward. I want to make sure that work does not take over my life and that it stays aligned to what I want to do moving forward.
Every time I feel stressed, I reach for the pokemon go. Holy shit, I am addicted.
I feel very tired, but no longer sick. That is a good thing at least.
I’m going to walk around the airport. And this time, instead of catching pokemon, I am going to meditate and think.
On the plane I meditated on some of my issues and I came to a big realization. The first step to feeling or processing any pain is to notice and name the pain that exists. I spend so much time avoiding thinking about painful emotions or experiences, avoiding thinking about how things hurt me it makes it hard to face the pain at all since I’m not taking the first step,
I want to focus on doing that more now as the first step to processing more emotions.
Workpost 3: Pleasant Uncertainty
Today I feel a bit like there is a lot of uncertainty. There is uncertainty with my coaching business and with my career as an AI consultant, but there are also lots of opportunities moving forward.
I want to strive to move forwards and not start to distract myself from the emotions via games and videos.
The first thing I want to tackle is sleep. That is my main priority today. I want to understand why I feel unfulfilled at night, like something wasn’t quite done.
My intuition tells me that I desire to create art. I don’t know why.
Perhaps my first step is to start working on art at 9:30 PM.
Before that I want to achieve something in Valorant, so I will need to do some gaming earlier in the day.
I also desire to work on myself more, I think it really helps to think about emotional development as work. When I think about it as vulnerability, it feels not productive. But when I think of it as emotional work, it takes on new meaning and purpose.
Ok so lets take a look at my two projects right now:
So for my AI Consulting plan, I want to stick to the plan, but the timeline has changed a bit.
I wanted this current goal (Be known, give preview of consulting) to finish by Feb 27th. That leaves 7 days to film, shoot, edit and get feedback.
UNIT ONE (ends 23rd): Shoot 3 videos
- Spend total of 3 hours per video (9 hours total)
UNIT TWO (ends 24th): Write 2 LinkedIn posts
- Spend total of 1.5 hrs per post (3 hrs total)
UNIT THREE (ends 26th): Get feedback, harden process
Looking at my goal for art coaching, I feel dissatisfied with my current structure on process for that. I feel I need to work on finding more ambitious and exciting goals at every step of the way (even if I have a lot of time to get there). I realized in order for the syllabus method to work, you need to have very ambitious exciting goal…then think about how to make it difficult to expect anything other than success.
So let’s revisit the master plan here.
Goal: Ramp up to an income of 8333 per month (100k per year) within one year
I want to choose a new goal…make 1500 per week in coaching.
I want to achieve this within the next 3 months.
UNIT ONE (1 month): Focus on my craft – become a coach I would hire for 1000 per month
- Create plans (10 days, ends March 2nd)
- Deeply understanding clients
- Creating extreme focus and presence in life and sessions
- Developing connections clients need
- Materials and exercises to create and track strategy
- Execute on plans (10 days, ends March 12th)
- Research and refinement (10 days, ends March 22nd)
- Interview other coaches
- Read books
- Further brainstorming
UNIT TWO (1 month): Build 100 hot leads – depends on having free stuff
- Random try posting (10 days, ends April 1st)
- Get feedback and do networking and outreach (10 days, ends April 11th)
- Turn warm leads into hot leads with offer (10 days, ends April 21st)
UNIT THREE (1 month): Meld and combine top level coaching with leads machine
- Talk about my clients achievements, use it to push their art (10 days, ends May 1st)
- Clients have voice on my platform to talk about concepts in my coaching (10 days, ends May 11th)
- Refine call for action to get warm leads to ask for my offer, then turn into hot leads (10 days, ends May 21st)
Okok, I finally have a good framework, but working on this framework makes me realize I really do need to work on free products in the meantime.
Goal: Create free products in 1 month
UNIT ONE (10 days, ends March 2nd): Complete research
- Transcribe and think, what is the million dollar problem or breakthrough?
- Collate results, come up with solutions
- Research competition
UNIT TWO (10 days, ends March 12th): Develop products
- Planning and gathering materials doing research
- Create products
UNIT THREE (10 days, ends March 22nd): Continue development
- Testing and creating more products
To Explore Love
Who She Is For Me
When I’m with her
I feel I can be so ugly
So weak
So bad
So hurtful
And yet I feel safe
Like I can stop checking
Her face for signs of anger
Stop feeling ashamed, worried
It surprises me how calm I feel
When my mask is off around her
Her acceptance like a balm for my soul
Her love can
Make her helpless
Like the most beautiful creature
So vulnerable
She would endure
Pain if it means my pleasure
I like to explore life
And uncover it’s discoveries
Now I can have someone to share them with
It’s like
She can hear music in my mind
Of imagination, of beautiful ideas, of glory
And she smiles at me
Like we have a joke only we know
When I am struck with pain
Like an animal looking for its home
I seek her warmth
And her love is like a blanket
I can snuggle deep within
Protected from the world
Sometimes, we are just laughing
She’s shining as brightly as a star
It’s like the kind fun
You only find
As a kid on a playground
When she is hurting
I want to take her pain
Spread it around
So I can see her smile again
She is strong-willed
And I’m grinning
When she leads me by the hand
And shows me the world
Through her eyes
And all I can think sometimes
Is how much I love her
I Was Wondering What Would Happen If
I feel open
Like a canvas ready for paint
No future
No expectations
No obligations
Only action
Or no action
I didn’t pick up the phone
Except for the time
When I really felt like it
When I open my mouth
My words are driven
By the moment
In the freedom
Of saying fuck it
I’ll do what I feel like
I dream at night
For a relaxed afternoon
Sipping tea
And beauty
Both sweet and ordinary
When when I’m done wondering
We pass on
With happy memories
Like the lasting sweetness
Of a candy
Melted in your mouth
These two poems are comparing the feelings I have for two things – the girl who I want to wait for, and the experience of dating around that I want to explore in the meantime. I was trying to reconcile them and understand how they can coexist.
Some thoughts:
- I used to think I had to be super upfront about not wanting anything serious when dating. I don’t think so anymore. I will only explain if asked by the girl or if there comes a time where I feel I need to explain it (she is getting too invested). Most girls don’t even care until they develop feelings since they have an abundance of men.
- I used to reach out to people even when I didn’t want to (usually because I felt guilt since I knew the girl liked me and I didn’t want to hurt her/lose her). I’m not gonna do that anymore. I’ll basically treat them like guy friends. If there is something I want to say, or do with them, I will reach out. Otherwise, I’ll say nothing, make no effort.
- I’m afraid that I will mess up the beautiful connection I have with the girl I am waiting for by dating. I decided to stop pushing down that fear. It is happening for a good reason. As soon as I feel scared, unsafe, or distracted I should just stop dating and refocus on her. I never went into this to replace her and I should keep her as my top priority.
- I worry about meeting women so attractive I will forget about the girl I am waiting for. Honestly, this might happen at first, but I think at the end of the day, personality matters much much more to me. I think I would only be distracted by looks because I haven’t dated before. As long as someone is attractive ENOUGH, if I love them, they will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
- Overall, I should worry less about hurting women since they aren’t like men (have only one or two women to talk to). They usually have lots of men and could care less if I stopped talking to them. I can still be compassionate without overcompensating (for my fear of being an asshole).
What Should I Do?
What Should I Do?
Every time I am afraid
I feel confused and helpless
I ask myself
What should I do?
My mom told me what I should do
My dad told me what I should do
But maybe I outgrow their voices in my head
Maybe they become possibilities
Of what I could do
Maybe what I needed from my mom and dad
When I was confused
Is the space to self soothe
A safe place to feel the confusion
So the path would become clear to me
I’m Not Ashamed That I Loved Her
She told me that I would have been ashamed to tell my family or my therapist. But it wasn’t true. It wasn’t true because I would have explained that I loved her.
I loved her when she told me that when I left she cried for so long she threw up. I knew then she must have seen something special in me just like I saw something special in her.
I loved her when she made me laugh and smile at the stupidest things. I loved her when we would banter back and forth with insults.
I loved her when she told me that I needed to tell her when I got to my hotel late in California because she was scared she would lose me.
I loved her when she sent me a playlist of songs, beautiful songs, handpicked by her.
I loved her when she tried. Even when I made her uncomfortable. Even when I was mad at her.
I loved her when she was tired and would open up about the things in her life that troubled her. Things about her family. Things about her life.
I loved her when she told me she read my blog every morning.
I loved her when I was needy. So annoyingly needy, but she was nothing but caring and reassuring.
I loved her when she would ask me why I was ignoring her, if I was driving and couldn’t respond right away.
I loved her when I came back from a meeting and would find so many messages from her, like gifts waiting to be opened.
I loved her when we used to talk on the phone for hours, and it never felt longer than a few minutes.
I loved her intelligence, her passion, her humor, her taste in music, her compassion and warmth, her emotions, her feminine side. She understood everything I said to her. Whether it was a dumb joke or my life philosophy. She had a deep emotional intelligence. She knew when she was avoiding the truth and what the truth was. She was immature at times. She gave up easily. She was self-destructive. She preferred to avoid her problems instead of dealing with them. She liked distractions. She was vindictive when she was angry. She liked to cry. She was embarrassed easily. I loved her for all of that.
She tells me now everything was a lie. What a beautiful lie to love.
Profit in Peace 12: Peace Disrupted
My peace today was disrupted by work early. It is nice to have time to talk about strategic leadership things. I usually don’t have that much time during the week.
However, it’s not the type of morning that I aim to repeat.
I intend on reclaiming as much peace as I can in this 20 minute span.
I feel that respect is a really important need for me in work, and I feel that this need was not met at my previous job, it remains to be seen whether or not it is met enough in this job. I have my doubts to be sure.
Today, I woke up feeling much better, even though I went to bed a bit late. It’s because, on top of journaling, I also did cupping on my body to unblock anything that was blocked. Turned red on my chest, I guess a lot of blockages there specifically.
I feel with the level of stress this morning with no peace and no running I’m feeling surprisingly good.
I wonder how to push back on blatant hostility and disrespect in a way that I want to. I suppose some rage journaling should help and maybe my coaching mindset.
Today I want to focus on making a video on how to handle lack of respect in the workplace.
I don’t know how that is going to go but that’s what I want to do.
Perhaps I need to meditate on it some more.
Maybe finally watching another 20 minutes of the coaching call will be nice as well.
Workpost 18: Addicted
I’ve been playing pokemon go so much recently. I’ve made a lot of progress in the game, but I really worry that I’m getting addicted because of how stressed out I am right now.
I stressed out about my relationship and about my career path moving forward. I want to make sure that work does not take over my life and that it stays aligned to what I want to do moving forward.
Every time I feel stressed, I reach for the pokemon go. Holy shit, I am addicted.
I feel very tired, but no longer sick. That is a good thing at least.
I’m going to walk around the airport. And this time, instead of catching pokemon, I am going to meditate and think.
On the plane I meditated on some of my issues and I came to a big realization. The first step to feeling or processing any pain is to notice and name the pain that exists. I spend so much time avoiding thinking about painful emotions or experiences, avoiding thinking about how things hurt me it makes it hard to face the pain at all since I’m not taking the first step,
I want to focus on doing that more now as the first step to processing more emotions.
Workpost 3: Pleasant Uncertainty
Today I feel a bit like there is a lot of uncertainty. There is uncertainty with my coaching business and with my career as an AI consultant, but there are also lots of opportunities moving forward.
I want to strive to move forwards and not start to distract myself from the emotions via games and videos.
The first thing I want to tackle is sleep. That is my main priority today. I want to understand why I feel unfulfilled at night, like something wasn’t quite done.
My intuition tells me that I desire to create art. I don’t know why.
Perhaps my first step is to start working on art at 9:30 PM.
Before that I want to achieve something in Valorant, so I will need to do some gaming earlier in the day.
I also desire to work on myself more, I think it really helps to think about emotional development as work. When I think about it as vulnerability, it feels not productive. But when I think of it as emotional work, it takes on new meaning and purpose.
Ok so lets take a look at my two projects right now:
So for my AI Consulting plan, I want to stick to the plan, but the timeline has changed a bit.
I wanted this current goal (Be known, give preview of consulting) to finish by Feb 27th. That leaves 7 days to film, shoot, edit and get feedback.
UNIT ONE (ends 23rd): Shoot 3 videos
- Spend total of 3 hours per video (9 hours total)
UNIT TWO (ends 24th): Write 2 LinkedIn posts
- Spend total of 1.5 hrs per post (3 hrs total)
UNIT THREE (ends 26th): Get feedback, harden process
Looking at my goal for art coaching, I feel dissatisfied with my current structure on process for that. I feel I need to work on finding more ambitious and exciting goals at every step of the way (even if I have a lot of time to get there). I realized in order for the syllabus method to work, you need to have very ambitious exciting goal…then think about how to make it difficult to expect anything other than success.
So let’s revisit the master plan here.
Goal: Ramp up to an income of 8333 per month (100k per year) within one year
I want to choose a new goal…make 1500 per week in coaching.
I want to achieve this within the next 3 months.
UNIT ONE (1 month): Focus on my craft – become a coach I would hire for 1000 per month
- Create plans (10 days, ends March 2nd)
- Deeply understanding clients
- Creating extreme focus and presence in life and sessions
- Developing connections clients need
- Materials and exercises to create and track strategy
- Execute on plans (10 days, ends March 12th)
- Research and refinement (10 days, ends March 22nd)
- Interview other coaches
- Read books
- Further brainstorming
UNIT TWO (1 month): Build 100 hot leads – depends on having free stuff
- Random try posting (10 days, ends April 1st)
- Get feedback and do networking and outreach (10 days, ends April 11th)
- Turn warm leads into hot leads with offer (10 days, ends April 21st)
UNIT THREE (1 month): Meld and combine top level coaching with leads machine
- Talk about my clients achievements, use it to push their art (10 days, ends May 1st)
- Clients have voice on my platform to talk about concepts in my coaching (10 days, ends May 11th)
- Refine call for action to get warm leads to ask for my offer, then turn into hot leads (10 days, ends May 21st)
Okok, I finally have a good framework, but working on this framework makes me realize I really do need to work on free products in the meantime.
Goal: Create free products in 1 month
UNIT ONE (10 days, ends March 2nd): Complete research
- Transcribe and think, what is the million dollar problem or breakthrough?
- Collate results, come up with solutions
- Research competition
UNIT TWO (10 days, ends March 12th): Develop products
- Planning and gathering materials doing research
- Create products
UNIT THREE (10 days, ends March 22nd): Continue development
- Testing and creating more products
To Explore Love
Who She Is For Me
When I’m with her
I feel I can be so ugly
So weak
So bad
So hurtful
And yet I feel safe
Like I can stop checking
Her face for signs of anger
Stop feeling ashamed, worried
It surprises me how calm I feel
When my mask is off around her
Her acceptance like a balm for my soul
Her love can
Make her helpless
Like the most beautiful creature
So vulnerable
She would endure
Pain if it means my pleasure
I like to explore life
And uncover it’s discoveries
Now I can have someone to share them with
It’s like
She can hear music in my mind
Of imagination, of beautiful ideas, of glory
And she smiles at me
Like we have a joke only we know
When I am struck with pain
Like an animal looking for its home
I seek her warmth
And her love is like a blanket
I can snuggle deep within
Protected from the world
Sometimes, we are just laughing
She’s shining as brightly as a star
It’s like the kind fun
You only find
As a kid on a playground
When she is hurting
I want to take her pain
Spread it around
So I can see her smile again
She is strong-willed
And I’m grinning
When she leads me by the hand
And shows me the world
Through her eyes
And all I can think sometimes
Is how much I love her
I Was Wondering What Would Happen If
I feel open
Like a canvas ready for paint
No future
No expectations
No obligations
Only action
Or no action
I didn’t pick up the phone
Except for the time
When I really felt like it
When I open my mouth
My words are driven
By the moment
In the freedom
Of saying fuck it
I’ll do what I feel like
I dream at night
For a relaxed afternoon
Sipping tea
And beauty
Both sweet and ordinary
When when I’m done wondering
We pass on
With happy memories
Like the lasting sweetness
Of a candy
Melted in your mouth
These two poems are comparing the feelings I have for two things – the girl who I want to wait for, and the experience of dating around that I want to explore in the meantime. I was trying to reconcile them and understand how they can coexist.
Some thoughts:
- I used to think I had to be super upfront about not wanting anything serious when dating. I don’t think so anymore. I will only explain if asked by the girl or if there comes a time where I feel I need to explain it (she is getting too invested). Most girls don’t even care until they develop feelings since they have an abundance of men.
- I used to reach out to people even when I didn’t want to (usually because I felt guilt since I knew the girl liked me and I didn’t want to hurt her/lose her). I’m not gonna do that anymore. I’ll basically treat them like guy friends. If there is something I want to say, or do with them, I will reach out. Otherwise, I’ll say nothing, make no effort.
- I’m afraid that I will mess up the beautiful connection I have with the girl I am waiting for by dating. I decided to stop pushing down that fear. It is happening for a good reason. As soon as I feel scared, unsafe, or distracted I should just stop dating and refocus on her. I never went into this to replace her and I should keep her as my top priority.
- I worry about meeting women so attractive I will forget about the girl I am waiting for. Honestly, this might happen at first, but I think at the end of the day, personality matters much much more to me. I think I would only be distracted by looks because I haven’t dated before. As long as someone is attractive ENOUGH, if I love them, they will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
- Overall, I should worry less about hurting women since they aren’t like men (have only one or two women to talk to). They usually have lots of men and could care less if I stopped talking to them. I can still be compassionate without overcompensating (for my fear of being an asshole).
What Should I Do?
What Should I Do?
Every time I am afraid
I feel confused and helpless
I ask myself
What should I do?
My mom told me what I should do
My dad told me what I should do
But maybe I outgrow their voices in my head
Maybe they become possibilities
Of what I could do
Maybe what I needed from my mom and dad
When I was confused
Is the space to self soothe
A safe place to feel the confusion
So the path would become clear to me
I’m Not Ashamed That I Loved Her
She told me that I would have been ashamed to tell my family or my therapist. But it wasn’t true. It wasn’t true because I would have explained that I loved her.
I loved her when she told me that when I left she cried for so long she threw up. I knew then she must have seen something special in me just like I saw something special in her.
I loved her when she made me laugh and smile at the stupidest things. I loved her when we would banter back and forth with insults.
I loved her when she told me that I needed to tell her when I got to my hotel late in California because she was scared she would lose me.
I loved her when she sent me a playlist of songs, beautiful songs, handpicked by her.
I loved her when she tried. Even when I made her uncomfortable. Even when I was mad at her.
I loved her when she was tired and would open up about the things in her life that troubled her. Things about her family. Things about her life.
I loved her when she told me she read my blog every morning.
I loved her when I was needy. So annoyingly needy, but she was nothing but caring and reassuring.
I loved her when she would ask me why I was ignoring her, if I was driving and couldn’t respond right away.
I loved her when I came back from a meeting and would find so many messages from her, like gifts waiting to be opened.
I loved her when we used to talk on the phone for hours, and it never felt longer than a few minutes.
I loved her intelligence, her passion, her humor, her taste in music, her compassion and warmth, her emotions, her feminine side. She understood everything I said to her. Whether it was a dumb joke or my life philosophy. She had a deep emotional intelligence. She knew when she was avoiding the truth and what the truth was. She was immature at times. She gave up easily. She was self-destructive. She preferred to avoid her problems instead of dealing with them. She liked distractions. She was vindictive when she was angry. She liked to cry. She was embarrassed easily. I loved her for all of that.
She tells me now everything was a lie. What a beautiful lie to love.
Profit in Peace 12: Peace Disrupted
My peace today was disrupted by work early. It is nice to have time to talk about strategic leadership things. I usually don’t have that much time during the week.
However, it’s not the type of morning that I aim to repeat.
I intend on reclaiming as much peace as I can in this 20 minute span.
I feel that respect is a really important need for me in work, and I feel that this need was not met at my previous job, it remains to be seen whether or not it is met enough in this job. I have my doubts to be sure.
Today, I woke up feeling much better, even though I went to bed a bit late. It’s because, on top of journaling, I also did cupping on my body to unblock anything that was blocked. Turned red on my chest, I guess a lot of blockages there specifically.
I feel with the level of stress this morning with no peace and no running I’m feeling surprisingly good.
I wonder how to push back on blatant hostility and disrespect in a way that I want to. I suppose some rage journaling should help and maybe my coaching mindset.
Today I want to focus on making a video on how to handle lack of respect in the workplace.
I don’t know how that is going to go but that’s what I want to do.
Perhaps I need to meditate on it some more.
Maybe finally watching another 20 minutes of the coaching call will be nice as well.
Workpost 18: Addicted
I’ve been playing pokemon go so much recently. I’ve made a lot of progress in the game, but I really worry that I’m getting addicted because of how stressed out I am right now.
I stressed out about my relationship and about my career path moving forward. I want to make sure that work does not take over my life and that it stays aligned to what I want to do moving forward.
Every time I feel stressed, I reach for the pokemon go. Holy shit, I am addicted.
I feel very tired, but no longer sick. That is a good thing at least.
I’m going to walk around the airport. And this time, instead of catching pokemon, I am going to meditate and think.
On the plane I meditated on some of my issues and I came to a big realization. The first step to feeling or processing any pain is to notice and name the pain that exists. I spend so much time avoiding thinking about painful emotions or experiences, avoiding thinking about how things hurt me it makes it hard to face the pain at all since I’m not taking the first step,
I want to focus on doing that more now as the first step to processing more emotions.