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On The Shuttle

Byjack
On the Shuttle

Today I got into a metal box
It’s not the kind you put into the ground
But the one that takes you from gate to gate
On the airplane filled tarmac
Except today I’m not leaving for a trip
It’s not a trip
It’s a move
And while it hasn’t quite hit me yet
Maybe I’m leaving a part of myself behind
Forever
Life though
Is always more gravel than dream
More grounded and real
Made up of experiences
Not places
Or cities
Austin
North Potomac
But I’ll miss them
Myself
My old comfortable life
That I snuggled in for so long
I’m afraid to grow up
Poke my head out from under the covers

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The Cavern Inside My Heart

Byjack
The Cavern Inside My Heart

I think I love her more now

I think about her

And I feel warm inside

But when I ask for the things I need

And they are met with derisive laughter

Blame

And defiance

I feel angry

That the girl

I knew was the one for me

Is gone

And left a girl who only knows about fairness

When a relationship isn’t about

Counting things

But about giving

Feeling safe

Listening

Talking on the phone

Holding hands

Being intimate

A relationship is about risk

Not about playing it safe

And my rage like a burning wildfire

Sweeps towards her friend

All that they broke together

And she takes the ruined pieces and proclaims

I am responsible

Dares to deny me

What I want

My love for her burns equally bright

And smells of rosewater

Whispered promises at night

The trust we created

How I imagine it feels to cuddle with her

Under the blankets

I miss her

Like a great big hole has opened in my chest

And I cannot close it

Because no matter how many times I ask

There is another thing

Another game

Another reason

Why she cannot call

I feel abandoned

And I don’t want to be alone

But I feel guilt when I talk to other women

I don’t want them

I only want her

If only

She would offer herself to me

Fully

Workpost 43: Resilience (17 Questions)

Byjack

My questions:

  1. How to find a good business partner?
  2. How to live an entrepreneur/unemployed life?
  3. How to approach taxes as an entrepreneur?
  4. How to approach risk?
  5. How to build a support system?
  6. How to handle rejection?
  7. How to approach financial risk in a smart way?
  8. How to rebuild from nothing?
  9. How to deal with people looking down on you?
  10. How to get hired/search for a job?
  11. How to turn off work?
  12. How to minimize work effort/stress/inefficiency?
  13. How to process awkwardness?
  14. What are different selling methods?
  15. How to sell in a way that I feel myself?
  16. How to gain from/work with/ benefit from the American system?
  17. How can I be more resilient?

My intuitive answers to the questions:

How to find a good business partner?

  • Write down what the ideal business is like
  • Imagine all your favorite parts
  • Imagine all the parts you need help with
  • Write down your values
  • Think about where a person like this (values + good in the areas you are weak + interest in your business area) would like to do/hangs out
  • Ask close friends if they know someone like this

How to live an entrepreneur/unemployed life?

  • They are different questions
  • For the entrepreneur
    • Without a company, you need to build a company around you
    • Need to hire help/services to help automate different parts of life
  • For the unemployed
    • Now is the time to look for help
    • Look into government assistance, help from family and friends
  • To decide which one you are:
    • Unemployed when you no longer have ability to make money
    • If you have savings + some cashflow you are an entrepreneur
    • If you have no savings and negative cashflow, you are unemployed
    • You can be an entrepreneur and still work a job to increase your cashflow

How to approach taxes as an entrepreneur?

  • Find a CPA that has experience working with entrepreneurs

How to approach risk?

  • Risk is actually really simple
  • Risk value = probability of success x value of success
  • The higher the risk value, the more worth the risk, compare that with the resources the risk requires 

How to build a support system?

  • The easiest way are people who want to live in a similar world as you do
  • People who’s goals align with yours
  • The easiest way to ascertain this is just to ask people
  • You can also try to go to places that are included in your vision for what type of world you want to live in

How to handle rejection?

  • Repair the ways in which you rejected yourself

How to approach financial risk in a smart way?

  • Get good at estimating risk value and investment
  • If the risk value is $100,000, and the investment is $90,000 then the risk is likely worth it
  • If the risk value is $100,000 and the investment is $10,000 then the risk is definitely worth it

How to rebuild from nothing?

  • Know your strengths
  • Know what people want
  • Sell yourself

How to deal with people looking down on you?

  • Repair the ways other people have looked down on your in the past

How to get hired/search for a job?

  • Think about the jobs that will be easiest for you to get
  • Based on the interviews and discussions, adjust closer to what makes you happy

How to turn off work?

  • Create a viable plan for when pending work will be addressed
  • Write down the plan and execute when you are ready

How to minimize work effort/stress/inefficiency?

  • Focus on creating clarity at all times on what is expected and when
  • Set boundaries around respect and time
  • Make sure that the goals are specific and small enough to complete one at a time

How to process awkwardness?

  • Find reasons why awkwardness is a good thing

What are different selling methods?

  • Relationships sales – they like you
  • Technical sales – they like the technology
  • Pressure sales – they don’t want to say no
  • Trust sales – they trust you

How to sell in a way that I feel myself?

  • Trust sales + technical sales sounds most like me

How to gain from/work with/ benefit from the American system?

  • Sell to the rich
  • Hire people who are good at what they do
  • Outsource tedious stuff to other countries or AI

How can I be more resilient?

  • Spend time getting up when you fall
  • Specifically focus time and effort on healing from painful experiences

On Vlogging In Public

Byjack

Yesterday I was vlogging a guy \asked me if I was a YouTuber, and he asked me all these questions like what my channel was about and how many subscribers I had.

I felt REALLY self-conscious because I AM a YouTuber, but not a famous or successful one and I feel like I’m disappointing people when I tell them that I have three hundred subs. I realized a few things when I felt the feelings of shame:

  • People LOVE the idea of youtube, you don’t need to be big for people to be excited about it. Sure some people will judge you but I think most people like the idea that you are trying to succeed and are probably curious enough to look me up and subscribe. In fact, isn’t that what I want? People who are legitimately interested in my journey subscribing to me?
  • I’m always REALLY self-conscious when people stare at me when I’m vlogging and I always try to solve the problem by either NOT vlogging or trying to ignore the embarrassment. I realized that there is a third better option. Any time I’m feeling embarrassed, I should just feel the feelings until the right path becomes clear to me. Usually, I feel so uncomfortable I will do ANYTHING to avoid the feeling, but I should just embrace it as I should do in any uncomfortable situation.

 

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To Explore Love

Byjack
Who She Is For Me

When I’m with her

I feel I can be so ugly

So weak

So bad

So hurtful

And yet I feel safe

Like I can stop checking

Her face for signs of anger

Stop feeling ashamed, worried

It surprises me how calm I feel

When my mask is off around her

Her acceptance like a balm for my soul

Her love can

Make her helpless

Like the most beautiful creature

So vulnerable

She would endure

Pain if it means my pleasure

I like to explore life

And uncover it’s discoveries

Now I can have someone to share them with

It’s like

She can hear music in my mind

Of imagination, of beautiful ideas, of glory

And she smiles at me

Like we have a joke only we know

When I am struck with pain

Like an animal looking for its home

I seek her warmth

And her love is like a blanket

I can snuggle deep within

Protected from the world

Sometimes, we are just laughing

She’s shining as brightly as a star

It’s like the kind fun

You only find

As a kid on a playground

When she is hurting

I want to take her pain

Spread it around

So I can see her smile again

She is strong-willed

And I’m grinning

When she leads me by the hand

And shows me the world

Through her eyes

And all I can think sometimes

Is how much I love her

I Was Wondering What Would Happen If

I feel open

Like a canvas ready for paint

No future

No expectations

No obligations

Only action

Or no action

I didn’t pick up the phone

Except for the time

When I really felt like it

When I open my mouth

My words are driven

By the moment

In the freedom

Of saying fuck it

I’ll do what I feel like

I dream at night

For a relaxed afternoon

Sipping tea

And beauty

Both sweet and ordinary

When when I’m done wondering

We pass on

With happy memories

Like the lasting sweetness

Of a candy

Melted in your mouth

These two poems are comparing the feelings I have for two things – the girl who I want to wait for, and the experience of dating around that I want to explore in the meantime. I was trying to reconcile them and understand how they can coexist.

Some thoughts:

  • I used to think I had to be super upfront about not wanting anything serious when dating. I don’t think so anymore. I will only explain if asked by the girl or if there comes a time where I feel I need to explain it (she is getting too invested). Most girls don’t even care until they develop feelings since they have an abundance of men.
  • I used to reach out to people even when I didn’t want to (usually because I felt guilt since I knew the girl liked me and I didn’t want to hurt her/lose her). I’m not gonna do that anymore. I’ll basically treat them like guy friends. If there is something I want to say, or do with them, I will reach out. Otherwise, I’ll say nothing, make no effort.
  • I’m afraid that I will mess up the beautiful connection I have with the girl I am waiting for by dating. I decided to stop pushing down that fear. It is happening for a good reason. As soon as I feel scared, unsafe, or distracted I should just stop dating and refocus on her. I never went into this to replace her and I should keep her as my top priority.
  • I worry about meeting women so attractive I will forget about the girl I am waiting for. Honestly, this might happen at first, but I think at the end of the day, personality matters much much more to me. I think I would only be distracted by looks because I haven’t dated before. As long as someone is attractive ENOUGH, if I love them, they will be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
  • Overall, I should worry less about hurting women since they aren’t like men (have only one or two women to talk to). They usually have lots of men and could care less if I stopped talking to them. I can still be compassionate without overcompensating (for my fear of being an asshole).

To the People I Love

Byjack

Today I came up with a realization. I was sitting on the couch just tired of dating, tired of trying.

And I realized that I shouldn’t think of dating as just a chore that I have to do, something that is tied to an end goal. Dating and making yourself vulnerable, trying to go outside of your comfort zone makes helps you confront the deepest parts of yourself. Your insecurities, your fears. Dating will make me a better person. But it’s not just dating.

This is also true for many other things in life. For starting a business, a Youtube channel. Going to the clubs at night. Anything.

I wrote this post with one friend in particular in mind. She is someone really special who I love on multiple levels. And whether or not I ever date her, or if we will just be two people who love each other platonically, I know one thing for sure. I love her because she has accepted me and loved me for everything she knows about me, not just the shiny good parts everyone likes to see. I want to be the kind of person who is able to support her, just like she has supported me. In every way, I can. Emotionally, financially, and strategically.

But it’s not just her. I want to use my love for everyone that I love in my life as motivation. Motivation to pursue what I want despite the fear in my heart that I will fail. To be me, even when I am afraid of being rejected. To be so successful and have learned to embrace my emotions so deeply I can support them in ways they cannot fathom.

XOXOXOXO

To the future!