To Love and Lose Love 2

Byjack

I was feeling extraordinary pain in my heart because everywhere I look, everything from TV Shows to notification sounds reminded me so much of her, and I was hit by the realization I may NEVER talk or hear from her again. I may never laugh and smile at something she sent me. I may never be able to tell her something exciting from my life, may never joke around and have fun together.

It was so painful I did a “shamanic journey” meditation in order to connect with my feelings and try to grow from the deep excruciating pain that I feel from losing her. Here are the steps:

  1. Turn on shamanic drumming music
  2. Lay down and close your eyes
  3. Imagine a room in your mind’s eye
  4. Go down from the room into your heart
  5. Meet with the different parts of yourself and ask your questions

My internal landscape was all storm and hard edges. I asked, “How do I deal with this pain? How do I deal with the overwhelmingly painful feelings I feel whenever something reminds me of her? How do I even go on with my life?”

I received the answer: Many things in life I actually put on hold because she took up so much of my life. I can focus on those things. To name a few:

  • Singing – she hated that
  • Drawing – I was too busy with work and thinking about her to work on it
  • My business with my sister – Again too busy
  • Valorant – Too busy again
  • Making other friends – I didn’t care about anyone else

Then I was filled with despair. “What if I forget her? I loved her with all my heart and cherish so many happy memories that I’m not ready to let go of yet.”

I received the answer: There are still many, many things that remind me of her, and all of our happy memories. She will always be with me in a way. I can always turn to those things to remind me of her even if it is painful.

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Taking Care of Myself

Byjack
Taking Care of Myself

It’s the hardest thing

The first instinct is to fix it

To figure out what would I need to do

To make it work

It’s hard to let that go, and take time for myself

To do the things that I need to do

I’m starting to figure out the mystery of why I lost motivation

And that clarity gives me hope

My first instinct would be to tell her

What was missing for me in the relationship

What I need for me to want this again

But maybe she doesn’t want to hear it

Maybe it’s too much for her already

And I know it is too soon anyway

I need to forgive myself

Be loving to myself

Sleep

Take care of myself

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Valorant 38: Day 1 – Apas – 6/3/23

Byjack
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHsBpSit-kc&t=382s&ab_channel=valorantpromatches

I didn’t really know how to copy the apas style, but I noticed that he wide peeked a lot.

I also used the ideas earlier about hyping myself up and it seemed to work.

We didn’t win this game but I was incredibly aggressive and confident in my peeks. I entried with the classic and was not afraid to push very aggressively, buying my team space.

In this game I started feeling frustrated with my team and that I was starting to overheat and not aim as properly.

After running a deathmatch and focusing on taking a second to aim, and to fully face the enemy, looking for the kill, I had this game.

I felt this was by far the most successful, with aggressive peeking but also utilizing util and gamesense to the fullest.

My sense is that hyping myself up is probably the biggest strategy for me, with some additional adjustments afterwards for aim technique.

Figuring out the How To Video Type: Meditation Video

Byjack

I want to figure out how to make the how-to-video type.

The first video I want to make is how to meditate.

Who I’m making it for: A friend at work who asked me about it

Why it matters:

  • Meditation has many benefits:
    • Calmness
    • Clear mind
    • Faster thinking
    • More energy

    • Deeper breathing

When to do it:

  • Tired, overwhelmed, stressed, procrastinating, upset

What you need:

  • Quiet place
  • Ideally, place to lie down
  • A good soundtrack to focus on
  • At least 30 minutes for beginners, at least 5 minutes for advanced meditators

Fundamentals for mastery:

  • Let go of any plan
  • Be patient
  • Wait for the answers, the feelings, the thoughts come to you
  • Focus on the sounds or the sounds of your breathing if you start to feel uncomfortable or restless

Core Beliefs 1

Byjack

Today I got into an argument with someone who is very close to my heart. Thinking about the argument later makes me think about what is painful about the relationship in general and the core wounds that it brings up.

Core wounds are damaging beliefs that we have about ourselves that we repeatedly look for evidence for (and traumatize ourselves constantly with). 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy teaches us that core wounds can be reprogrammed by finding evidence to the contrary. Thais Gibson recommends doing this for at least 21 days for the new beliefs to set in.

This is day one for me.

Core Wound 1: I’m not good enough (attractive physically and personality-wise)

Evidence to the contrary (I am good enough):

  • A girl in college who was very beautiful who I liked blushed every time I talked to her and liked me back. She was mean to other guys who showed interest.
  • When I was being myself and feeling confident recently, lots of women from girls on the plane, on the trail, at rental properties all seemed really eager to talk to me and help me. I’ve been told I have really good energy.
  • A girl that I love told me she likes the way I look, likes my thin frame and my hands.
  • A girl in high school once had a crush on me after flirting with her once. I might have made an impression on her.
  • A girl who I met playing a mobile game with, added me on her Snapchat and would talk to me for hours, there must have been a reason.

This is a really strong core wound for me. I often compare myself to others and feel like I’m less attractive. I feel that no one really likes me.

Core Wound 2: My emotions are not good and push people away

Evidence to the contrary (My emotions are good and bring people closer):

  • A lot of my art tends to come from my emotions and feelings and lots of people like them
  • Because of my emotions, I tend to be more honest, open and empathetic in support groups
  • I tend to connect with a lot of women by emotions. It’s why I like to have girls as friends and a lot of girls like me.
  • Emotions make me experience things more deeply, like when I cry watching Moana.
  • My emotions help me read other people much better because I can feel what they are feeling.

I always feel, especially with some people, that my emotions are too much and push people away. I worry people like hard and cold unemotional guys since they are stronger and don’t need anything. I also sometimes want to be strong and dominant and I don’t know how to reconcile that with emotions.

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In The Wreckage

Byjack
In The Wreckage

As I sit in the wreckage of my life

The pieces, strewn about the floor around my feet

I wonder

Has she read my messages

Does she now know

That it was all a misunderstanding

And that only by leaving

Did I finally draw out the truth

That could have prevented everything

I wonder what will happen next

And how I can stand up again

When all I want to do

Is lie on the ground

Curled up

Like a hibernating bear

Waiting for the summer

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Dancing With Posture and Other Things to Try

Byjack

I just checked out this video from a channel my dance teacher recommended and it’s literally soo good.

Here are some of the concepts I’m taking from this:

  • I need to stand up much straighter and play with the levels more, instead of being hunched and looking at the floor.
  • I need to work on seeing where the movement goes, let the movement keep going, follow where it goes.
  • Start with the most comfortable posture, then develop from there.
  • I always am told to imagine the story but its hard for me, because I’m imagining MYSELF
  • I think what will work for me is imagining the world or space I’m IN (instead of visualizing myself, I visualize an imaginary box I’m in, imaginary walls).
  • I can also try visualizing the “gesture” of the move (kind of like a drawing gesture).

Nothing to add here. Exercises are AMAZING for musicality:

  1. Dance to music with your fingers
  2. Dance to music with very small movements
  3. Dance with full movements